Twin Rockets Are A Go, Baby!

Funny, how that worked out...

2011-09-15T12:05:00.002-05:00

This year, musically, has been one that has made me just sit back and say, "Well. DNA didn't expect that."

It started with DNA getting connected with a great group of guys, BB Gun, D-Tronic, and the Jester, and forming the band the Crestview Kings. In this band, DNA is referred to as Big Daddy. We are a cover band. We are good. We play lots of songs. On an average night, we will play for about four hours. So far, we have been paid on average more per show than DNA made at the height of his career when he played out regularly.

There is this conceit among musicians who play in "original" bands, that being a creator of music is somehow more important, or perhaps, more prestigious, than being an interpreter of someone else's composition. DNA held this view for many years. The "art" that we created from our own inspiration was somehow better than music we imitated from another artist's creativity.

A few years ago, DNA came to the realization that as important as the creative process is for writing music, so too is the interpretive process for playing music. In some cases, the interpretive process is more important. Both processes are creative, exacting, demanding, and require talent to produce an end result which people will appreciate.

Even though DNA knows this is true, he still couldn't stop saying things to his friends like, "Yeah, I'm in a new band. No, it's just a cover band." Qualifying the descriptor for the band ("Just" a cover band) speaks to the conceit of its worth, a valuation which is hard to extinguish.

Having now spent several months working as hard as DNA has ever worked to learn a huge repertoire of songs, paying careful attention to the details which turn those songs into labors of love and not just perfunctory recitations, has reinforced the strength of DNA's convictions. It doesn't matter whether it's DNA's intellectual property or not, when we play it, it is OUR SONG. If DNA doesn't give the rendition of the song that kind of respect, the performance won't work. If DNA doesn't feel the intricacy of the work, as if he wrote it, then the end result is no better than any of the thousands of other roadhouse musicians you could listen to. Not that there is anything wrong with them. In fact, those that care for their craft share DNA's perspective.

So, DNA is in a kick ass cover band called the Crestview Kings. We play out pretty regularly. Check it out.

RILLY BIG SHEW....

2011-06-18T10:14:00.002-05:00

Last DNA and the gang ran through the set. It sounded good. We are looking forward to expletiving the expletive out of the Hangar 9 tonight.

NEW DNA SHOW!!!!

2011-06-04T16:19:00.005-05:00

The DNA Vibrators are playing the HANGAR 9 in Carbondale on June 18th. Our line-up is as follows: Mr. Kamikaze on drums, Hand of God on guitar, D-tronic on synthesizers, and the DNA Vibrator on bass. It will kickass.

A lot of musical happenings this Christmas

2010-12-23T00:15:00.004-06:00

Well. The Ph.D. means DNA doesn't get to write very much for himself anymore. This has been the longest DNA has went without posting to this blog since the blog began. DNA doesn't have time for more than a recap. Here's the recap:

The band code-named MPC is still alive. Chris sent me some great drum tracks. DNA has yet to find the time to do something with them, but he will....

The DNA Vibrators have recruited Gone Brian Vaughan, the H.O.G, Mr. Kamikaze, and Carleto to join him for a show up at the Hangar in May or June.

CRANK will be playing the 4th of July weekend at the Hangar and also at the infamous party at Craig and Bert's.

DNA has found some wonderful local musicians to play covers with in the Metropolis area. So far, we have one set down. These guys are good, and DNA is enjoying himself.

Also, DNA got a new bass, a Fernandes Tremor Deluxe, which sounds pretty good, and is a really pretty blue color.

DNA couldn't ask for more stuff happening musically. Seriously. He needs to stop some of this shit. Jeez.

The IM3 Recordings

2010-10-06T19:45:00.002-05:00

Without further ado, here are the IM3 recordings from the Bill Hartley Memorial:

That One Jam

Cockroach

Hot Babes On Scooters

Automaton

IM3

Unplanned Improv

Yet Another Descending Riff

This was pretty raw, but pretty fun. Hope you dig it.

The Reconstitution of IM3

2010-09-06T22:06:00.003-05:00

When H.O.G. asked if DNA was planning on attending the Bill Hartley Memorial, of course he said yes. When he asked if DNA might want to play some IM3 songs, well, DNA was hoping it wasn't too presumptuous to hope to play. So, it worked out. No practice, no group preparation, but what happened, whether it was aesthetically pleasing or not, was perfect.

Bill Hartley Memorial

2010-09-05T21:04:00.002-05:00

DNA was honored to be able to play with Taz and the H.O.G. at the memorial. It was touching. Pictures and video will follow.

Pictures and a Movie....

2010-07-10T13:52:00.004-05:00

Here are some pictures from the show, courtesy of Patrick Houdek.

Dr. Kick Ass is supplying some video of the event. Until then, let me link you to a page on facebook with the video on it: This House

On Saturday, the world changed....

2010-07-05T17:25:00.004-05:00

...after the DNA Vibrators played a kick ass set out at Craig and Bert's 4th of July party. We started with the new song, "This House," and did about every song we had hoped to complete. We didn't know we were going to play until last week, we didn't practice, and our drummer, Dr. Kick Ass, and the H.O.G. had not played some of these songs ever before. The last time the three of us had played together was several years ago, as part of CRANK, at another Craig and Bert 4th of July.

As DNA commented on facebook, "Holy Crap. Jesus and the Buddha were in the audience tonight, and gave each other high fives after we played "Plate Tectonic King." We finished with a rendition of the song "Big Black Cadillac" and as we strummed the last chord, Jesus smiled, and a big black Cadillac appeared. This is why DNA is a Christian, cuz Bud...dha approves, but Jesus DELIVERS!"

Before the show, DNA had posted this: "If, at 7 pm this evening, something feels weird to you, its because The DNA Vibrators were playing and they changed the tilt of the axis of the earth from the power of their ROCK! Sorry about that. We'll be booking a show somewhere in the Indian Ocean to reverse that effect next month."

If you haven't had the chance to check, the earth's axis did change slightly on Saturday night, and DNA's friend Toney Stirewalt had a wish granted at the exact same moment. Here is his synchronous moment, also from facebook: "So, earlier, I'm watching Sneakers on cable. A 1992 movie with Robert Redford. About 30 or 40 minutes into the movie, I need to get away and help prepare dinner. I was a little bit interested in the movie, so I pressed pause on the remote. I don't have a DVR or tivo or anyting, the pause button doesn't do any...thing, normally. Later, after dinner, I go to netflix and request the movie to stream to my TV via my WII. The movie is already fast-forwarded to the spot I left off. That seems weird to me. Netflix knew where I hit pause on my comcast system. Does comcast own netflix? Does that pause button on my remote actually work? Is there another link I am missing? Is there always a missing link?"

To which DNA responded: "Interesting. Did you press pause out of habit, like you would if you had the movie on DVD or VCR, or were you pressing it while wishing you could pause the live broadcast? Wishes are very powerful things, you know.

It seems to DNA like that would be a lot of data that comcast or Netflix has to track on each one of its potential customers, on the off chance that they stop watching a movie and rented it later. Perhaps it was on a channel that Netflix quietly owns, and does track. Or perhaps you get your internet through comcast, and comcast and Netflix does have some kind of agreement worked about certain content. Or, maybe you rented it from Netflix one time before, and had to stop at that exact same spot and they restarted you from where you left off the last time.

Or, the wish thing. Perception makes up about 100% of our reality (maybe more), so DNA is not discounting the fact that you willed a connection between the two into existence."

The Reverend couldn't attend the party, and DNA has quit trying to corral Mr. Kamikaze into an appearance at this infamous shindig.

Here's DNA's "all is right with the world" moment from the show: While DNA was singing the lyrics to "The Future Is Rosie," (one of the lines being, "when you want time to slow down it moves too fast, and when you wanted it to fly, everything was standing by")at the exact time that DNA said, "fly," a biting fly landed on his ear and bit him, and while DNA continued to sing and play, and flail about wildly to hit the fly, it proceeded to zip away and bite DNA's other ear too! After the song was done, DNA said, "The fly on my ear while I was singing the word "fly" is one of the few examples of Nature's sense of humor at work. Natural irony. Lightning bolt!" Alas, a lightning bolt did not strike, but electricity was in the air all night long.

IT IS ALIVE!!!!

2010-06-30T21:31:00.002-05:00

DNA crawled out of the grave. DNA met Dr. Kick Ass and the H.O.G. in the cemetery. They were each in the process of removing clumps of dirt and matted hair from their worm-eaten eyes. In other words, they looked about the same as the last time they all played together.

THIS SATURDAY, at Craig and Bert's infamous 4th of July bash, the DNA Vibrators return to muck things up with their own brand of zombie rock. You may never see this particular incarnation again. Which may be a good thing.....

The Latest....

2010-06-03T17:46:00.003-05:00

Here is the latest song DNA has been working on.

This House

Also, as Craig and Bert's infamous 4th of July party draws near, forces are at work which might bring together the DNA Vibrators for a performance.....

Catch As Catch Can....

2010-05-30T23:27:00.002-05:00

DNA has spent a few late nights after work getting drums and some bass lines down for some new material. Actually, at this point, it is old material. Most of this is stuff DNA wrote a few years ago, with only one or two pieces of the very newest stuff elbowing its way to the front. Althought summer classes start soon for DNA, he thinks he still has a window of opportunity....

New Song, Old Bastard....

2010-05-13T22:09:00.002-05:00

DNA has been hard at work doing work, so has not had time to regularly update the blog. As an exercise for one of his Ph.D. classes, he wrote this song:

I Got A Heavy Load

It's a song about cognitive architecture, and since DNA hadn't finished one in awhile, he is glad to post one about anything. Yes, DNA is getting tired of admitting that he is slowing down. However, in the small break between classes from the spring to the summer, he intends to be pretty busy with several new tracks.

In related music news, DNA's son took first superior on his saxophone piece in state last week. Also, DNA got himself (well, really, his little children) a nice keyboard to mess around on at home. It has already proven itself to be a great teaching tool for all of us.

DNA does intend to get back to fun part of blogging about the Carbondale music scene, but it will have to wait at least a week or two longer. Yeah, DNA knows, you are breathless in anticipation....

Jogging DNA's Musical Memory...

2010-04-19T18:32:00.006-05:00

DNA talked with Derek [of MPC fame] for awhile, and Derek asked DNA if he remembered when we had actually played together, a long time ago. When Chris, Derek and DNA first talked about playing together, we opined wistfully how despite our shared time in Carbondale, we had not played together before.

Today, Derek said that wasn't correct, that the three of us had performed together on stage. DNA thought for awhile, and could kind of logically narrow down the opportunities, (it was at a hootenanny? he vaguely guessed) but couldn't come up with the specific example. Derek asked if DNA remembered the Booby's show in 1991 in which Satan's Monster Truck played most of the Nightsoil Coolies' setlist. That DNA did recall. Then, he opened up the memory jar a little further. Derek asked, "Do you remember how towards the end, you all invited everybody to come up and play percussion, which you had strewn about the stage?"

DNA remembered that. "Well," Derek continued, "I was a couple of years younger than Chris, and he snuck me in to the beer garden to watch you guys play. And then, when you invited people to come up and play, Chris grabbed some percussion, and I kind of mumbled along to the lyrics."

Derek recounted how for him, this was his first introduction to the Carbondale "scene," and that he felt self-conscious when he was up there belting out something on the mike because there were tons of people in the bar who were singing along to our songs [a kick-ass feeling worth pursuing, for those of you who wonder why musicians live the shabby way they do] and he didn't know any of the words to our songs. He said he thought that people must have been thinking, "Who is this kid, and why doesn't he know these songs?"

DNA reassured Derek that half the time, Gone Brian Vaughan wasn't singing the correct lyrics to the songs he wrote, either, so nobody probably noticed. Then, after a moment, DNA felt old. While DNA had already watched one band train come and go, while he was a grizzled old vet of the scene, Derek had not yet his dreams smashed out of him by this twisted mistress we all love, Rock and Roll.

That show, at Booby's Beer Garden [RIP Booby's died in 2009] DNA narrowed down to one of these two events:

OR

DNA will leave it to Derek to say for sure. What DNA does remember is a couple of hundred people all shoved into a tiny space, in between two long brick and mortar buildings. Booby's Beer Garden was basically a fairly intimate outdoor space to have a beer or two with friends that three or four nights a week got turned into a sardine can with live music. Sound was generally terrible, considering you were in a concrete box, and when we played, we were constantly getting complaints to turn it down. At midnight, the only other people who were near Booby's were the winos behind the train station, which should give you an indication of how fucking loud it really was there. If we could intrude on the deleriums tremens those old bastards were in the throes of, well, we had to be reality-altering loud.

Someone told me that there were over 500 people in the beer garden. Capacity is about 75. The bar ran out of glasses for serving patrons. We made a boatload of cash that night, so our take corresponded to the number of people who were there.

DNA had his big rig, an 18 cab with a 4x10 cab through a Trace Elliott pre-amp and a 2400 watt power amp. When he picked the opening bass riff to "Booby's" [not written specifically for the occasion, but obviously apropo] he could feel the hair on the back of his legs pulse at about 41 hz, the frequency of low "E," which the riff plopped back down to regularly. The bass and drums pounded off the walls on either long side of the beer garden, and although we were too loud, that was the only way to play the beer garden and not get drowned in echo. Besides risking our hearing, we risked being something other than a knock--off of our former band selves. DNA wore a shirt with a picture of the Coolies on it which read, "The Nightsoil Coolies," and on the back, "are DEAD." Sometimes when you take a risk, you are rewarded, and we were, with a hootenanny of epic proportions, which lead, apparently, to this mystical convergence of Chris, Derek, and DNA.

Derek and DNA continued to talk, and Derek said that as his first experience in the music scene, he thought "this is how it is: hundreds of people, everybody singing your songs, wall to wall noise, wild excesses, genuine drunken happiness." Sorry about that. At the other end of the bookshelf, was the show we did in Bloomington on the day before Christmas Eve, [who the FUCK books a show on day before Christmas Eve?] in which there were only three people in the bar besides us. One was the bartender, one was the sound guy, and one was this wino who wandered in off the street because it was about negative seven outside, and the bartender couldn't turn him away without violating some kind of good samaritan law. Before we played, the bartender, who realized she was going to lose her shirt tonight anyway (figuratively, at least) just on the guarantee we had for playing, decided to screw it all and got out the Goldschläger and between us we downed the bottle. Then, we got up, played some crap crappily, and DNA ended one set with a rousing rendition of "Jesus will be comin' round the mountain when Mary comes," or something equally sacrilegious as that. All DNA knows is that after he sang some drunken parody of a folk song, Gone Brian Vaughan simply left the stage, saying, "No, DNA, that was not cool."

What links these two extremes? Winos. There is probably a lesson there.

An Easter Story....

2010-04-13T21:10:00.006-05:00

One day, not long ago, the Aimones
Annie Mr. Kamikaze
The Kids...
came down to visit DNA and family down in Metropolis. They had an Easter egg hunt. They ate lots of good food. They grilled out, and expressed appropriate awe over the huge HDTV in the living room. The next day, we all drove up to Mt. Vernon, or as we say, Mud Vermin, and met the Rodgers, Smiths, and Mayors crowd.

While we hung out, ate too much, and generally made unruly messes of ourselves at the local Fairfield Inn, around about 2 in the morning, Mr. Kamikaze and Big Mike and DNA ended up in one of the rooms, and Mr. Kamikaze rekindled an old idea we had to form a band, with just DNA and Mr. Kamikaze playing, and Big Mike in an easy chair screaming at people. All the songs we would play were covers, slowed way, way down. Molly, Big Mike's daughter, showed off her Audacity skills and let us listen to samples of songs like "Anna" by Trio, or "Stigmata" by Ministry at less than half speed. That night, we assembled a set list, and it seems pretty clear that we are going to play out sometime soon.

The moral of the Easter Story: Get DNA and Mr. Kamikaze drunk enough late enough on Easter weekend and they become willing to resurrect anything.

Huge Events in the DNA Constellation....

2010-04-13T20:53:00.001-05:00

The new Carbondale supergroup featuring Chris McAtee, Derek Cook,and the DNA Vibrator has arrived, and they are known as MPC. Model car enthusiasts, MPC originally formed to make plastic injection mold models of kick ass cars. Now MPC makes kick ass rock and roll.

Rregarding the Carbondale Music Scene....

2010-03-18T12:59:00.003-05:00

Well, it's nice to get written up in the big leagues. And here is a link to the best of the national resources for local music scenes, Maximum Rock and Roll:

Carbondale Scene Report

Very cool, huh? Now, DNA will overlook the fact that he wasn't mentioned in the article. Sure, DNA has only played out twice in the past several years, but really, what more does the city want from DNA? If DNA has to play yearly to make Maximum R&R's radar, then he will have to live without the notoriety he deserves. In this respect, DNA is like West Nile virus in southern Illinois: always present, just not "sexy" enough like the H1N1 or MRSA to grab the headlines. But, still, killing all the while....

Snowstorms, Chicago, and Rosati's Pizza

2010-02-28T20:20:00.003-06:00

Rosati's Pizza

On a recent business trip, DNA had to go to Chicago. As per his hellish ritual, he would drive for hours, do a presentation, and then drive for hours again to stay with his friend, Mr. Kamikaze and his family. After the event, a freak snowstorm blew up in the burbs and would have stranded DNA somewhere on I-270 unless he found a place to stay for the night. DNA had to abandon one element of the ritual, and called Mr. Kamikaze and told him to prepare to be disappointed, cuz DNA couldn't make it. The vague outline of a Hampton Inn glowed behind the white obscurity, and once DNA was settled, he performed the last rite of the ritual: Call a local pizza joint, and prepare to judge their product. If it is deemed worthy, then legend has it, that Jesus will visit their pizza joint in the guise of a beggar and if he is treated with kindness, then you can rub his belly and get three wishes.

So, DNA called a promising looking pizza place, Rosati's Pizza. The picture above is not a picture of the pizza DNA ordered, but it is from a Rosati's Pizza. DNA ordered a cheese and sausage pizza. On the LaRoma's Pizza Nirvana Quotient (LPNQ) Rosati's rated about an 81%, which is not bad. DNA should not have ordered the sausage, because he thought the sausage was just a little too much, and he imagines that if the sausage had not been there, Rosati's plain cheese would have rated about a 92% on the LPNQ. So, if Jesus does hang out by your dumpsters later this month, Rosati's guys, remember, rub his belly. An 81% might get you a wish or two (but probably not three).

A Quick Update

2010-02-28T20:07:00.002-06:00

There are many things that DNA wants to weigh in on, but he has to limit himself to just some musical news. First, DNA is still climbing the local Reverbnation charts. Click on the reverbnation player on the sidebar to listen to the latest stuff DNA has posted.

Next, both Jason and the Scorchers and Stace England and the Salt Kings have released new albums. You would have to be dead not to like them. Check Stace England out at

Stace England's website

and check out Jason at

Jason and the Scorchers' website.

Alright, since last DNA posted, a few musical happenings have stirred. First, it is possible that CRANK will rise again this year. If so, then it is equally possible that the DNA Vibrators will play out too, and will be joined by Silver Spring Monkeys, the Reverend's new band. You can check his demos out at

the Silver Springs Monkeys facebook page.

Next, DNA has been in contact with Derek from several terrific Carbondale bands, and with Chris, also with a great Carbondale pedigree, who now lives in Minneapolis, and it looks like the wheels are going to turn on a new band, with an as-of-yet defined musical idiom.

Lastly, after reconnecting on facebook with my friend Jim, DNA had the chance to talk about an old Coolies' show, which he still has. He is burning it on CD for me, which means in short order, DNA will be digitally remastering it and putting it up on this here website for your listening pleasure or disgust, depending.

You'll have to catch me back later for pithy political, music scene, and religious bloviation. DNA is in the middle of a demanding semester for his Ph.D. in Kick-Assology.

Long Overdue.

2010-01-29T22:03:00.003-06:00

DNA has graciously accepted that he will never be a world famous musician. He sells some records, does what he likes, keeps a good job and stable family life. For a long time, even until recently, the musical goal was to make good records, entertain people, maybe even make a few bucks, and have a lot of fun doing it. The goal has changed. DNA no longer cares if he makes a plug nickel from any of his music. It's still for sale, don't get DNA wrong, but starting today, the first installment of free DNA music, a CD called The Hole Truth, will be available to download for free, for ever. It collects all of DNA's first two releases, "Twin Rockets Are A Go, Baby!" and "Unnatural Selection." Over the next few weeks, or months, or really, when DNA gets to it, he will put up everything on the website for you to have.

FEAR Is The Mind Killer....

2010-01-18T18:25:00.004-06:00

Sure. But DNA is still afraid of what this nation will become if its course is charted by religious zealots in the clothes of conservative politicians. In the past, we had the likes of Jimmy Carter, religious conservative, social reformer; Ronald Reagen, social conservative, religiously tolerant; Bill Clinton, socially liberal, and compared to his immediate peers, actually fiscally conservative, religiously questionable; George Bush, socially conservative, but fiscally out of control, religiously very conservative; and Obama, socially liberal, fiscally liberal, religously tolerant. In other words, not one of them were purely conservative across three axes: social mores, religious views, and fiscal policy.

If we get someone who is socially conservative, religiously conservative, and fiscally conservative, what we should get is someone who cuts military spending and funds socially responsible, religiously guided aid for those among us who are less fortunate, but unfortunately, what we will get is someone who will gut social programs, ramp up military action across the globe, and justify it all in the name of God.

So, when the good people of Massachusetts go to the polls tomorrow, and either the democratically controlled congress maintains its control, or a very conservative republican will become a wedge which will truly make our current president ineffective(regardless of what you think now of Obama, I think things would be so much worse in country right now without some of the things he helped make happen). If DNA felt that the addition of a republican would do anything to make congress more effective, then he would be supporting this guy. DNA thinks that republicans will be trumpeting the "end" of the Obama presidency if the guy wins however, and will be even less inclined to actually work with the majority in power right now.

DNA is really looking into New Zealand. New Zealand still has that "new liberty" smell about it, and considers things like free speech, freedom of expression, independent thought, the separation of church and state, the separation of powers, a free press, and the independence of the judiciary more like the rights of its citizenry instead of annoyances to work around.

I have taken to posting these two quotes on almost all political conversations I have had lately:

"It is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country." Hermann Goering, 50 years ago, talking about how Nazis grew to power.

Sinclair Lewis, first American novelist to receive the Nobel Prize in literature, feared the kinds of tactics we see everyday on Fox News would one day take hold in America. He wrote, in 1935, "When fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying the cross."

Jesus would have been the first to disavow a national identity; historians will tell you that the roots of almost all major conflicts over the last several centuries are nationalism and religious fervor. Jesus would have been the first to disavow a symbol like a cross or a book in place of living a christ-like life. Yet bible-thumping, flag waving "patriots" are going to ram a definitively un-Jesus-like way of life down our country's gullet. Sinclair Lewis was right, and DNA is sad for it. If indeed, folks like Pat Robertson and his ilk grow to exercise real political power, then we will march down a road toward becoming the thing we hate....a radicalized religious theocracy. As DNA has stated before, he believes this is actually the agenda of many on the far right. They are attempting to bring about the apocalypse, because they know they will ascend to heaven and leave the rest of us behind. If for no other reason than that, even those on the right-hand side of the road should think twice before trying to establish a conservative religious party in power. Our days as a country that values liberty will surely be numbered. And that number will be 666.

Reverbnation.....Has Been Dominated.....

2010-01-15T21:56:00.004-06:00

DNA is currently #4 on the local charts with the song, "Here Again." If you want to see DNA's ego get bigger, log on to Reverbnation and become a fan. If you do, DNA will give you something special.....

It's a New Year, Charlie Brown

2010-01-03T12:44:00.005-06:00

DNA has been busy over the last month. In his geekier alter ego, he spent part of December arranging and preparing for a marathon game of future apocalypse d20 gaming with a module he wrote for an old game called Systems Failure. Prep included reading, writing, and printing materials, and painting figures for the game. Painting is a hobby DNA enjoys but usually doesn't have time to do.

Also, DNA has been hastily preparing a grant at his real job. It is coming down to the wire, and that means DNA has spent little additional time on the internet doing the fun stuff.

Briefly, here are the highlights of 2009 for DNA, and his New Year's Resolutions:

Played bass in the local production of Little Shop of Horrors. Very fun.

Wrote a new song in honor of DNA's 25 year class reunion:Here Again

Did great in his Ph.D. classes, and is starting a research project with the possibility of publication.

Watched his kids grow up a little bit more, had two of the kids break their arms, suffered through the full blown teenage angst of his son, and watched it develop in his daughters.

Took a cool mini-vacation this summer!

Got some cool games, got one of my basses fixed, and as a Christmas present to ourselves got a big screen HDTV.

RESOLUTIONS:

Lose some weight. (Want to lose 10 lbs of ugly fat fast? Cut off your head! Thanks, Don Rickles.)

Record some more music. Now that the Reverend is recording on Garageband too, DNA thinks it is just a matter of time before he tries to get the Hand of God to play for him.

Win the grant DNA is writing to start a program of supports for students with high functioning autism and Asperger's syndrome at SIUC.

Do great in his upcoming classes.

Write some more about racism, sexism, gender, politics, religion, intolerance, and God. Oh, and music. DNA should write a little bit about music on his music blog.

The Large Hadron Collider Is Some Funny Shit...

2009-12-08T21:46:00.003-06:00

So, if you don't know about it, take a moment to follow this link to a terrific story and images of the LHC, or Large Hadron Collider. Go ahead, DNA will wait.

Now those are some pretty awesome pictures, really, and they just put DNA in the mood to laugh. It's hard to believe that we can wield such forces, yet can't learn not bomb the shit out of each other. With appropriate amounts of sarcasm and humor (read just enough to qualify for no copyright infringement on the images since DNA is using them in an artistic, comedic way), DNA presents

The LHC Funnies

Yes, DNA is a science geek.

DNA Can't Leave the Political Gamesmanship Alone....

2009-12-01T20:54:00.006-06:00

DNA's cousin Dave sends him stuff to make him smile, particularly stuff that rips on Obama. DNA has made a vow that he would respond to all of these pieces of propaganda in kind. So, when he received an email ripping into Obama's "Accomplishments" over his first six months, DNA decided that he had to add his own rebuttal. So, here is

Obama's Accomplishments....
Compared to Bush's Enduring Legacy....

1. Obama: Offended the Queen of England.
Bush: Creeped out the Chancellor of Germany with an impromptu shoulder rub.

2. Obama: Bowed to the King of Saudi Arabia.
Bush: Kissed the King of Saudi Arabia on at least two cheeks.

3. Obama: Praised the Marxist Daniel Ortega.
Bush: Praised Pakistan's President Musharraf as a partner in the war on terror (Musharraf fully supported nuclear proliferator Abdul Khan, and for years, participated in "war games" pitting Pakistan against the U.S. in a nuclear showdown)

4. Obama: Kissed Socialist Hugo Chavez on the cheek.
Bush: Recently kissed a Saudi prince on the lips (4/09---not as an official of the U.S. government---just for fun).

5. Obama: Endorsed the Socialist Evo Morales of Bolivia.
Bush: Endorsed Vladimir Putin, who is Evo times 10. Putin sent him a birthday telegram this year, no b.s.

6. Obama: Sided with Hugo Chavez and Communist Fidel Castro against Honduras. (DNA couldn't let this one go: Are you telling me that you slam Obama for respecting the constitutional authority of the Honduran government? Or just because an asshole like Chavez actually happens to be right in this case, that we must automatically oppose him? That is the height of stupidity).
Bush: Created a "coalition of the willing" against Iraq including the Marshall Islands, Palau, Micronesia, and the Solomons. Although Costa Rica was originally part of the coalition, they decided they couldn't hang with us. Don't forget Poland!

7. Obama: Announced we would meet with Iranians with no pre-conditions while they're building their nuclear weapons.
Bush: Met with Pakistan with no pre-conditions while their scientists were handing out nuclear technology like tic tacs.

8. Obama: Gave away billions to AIG also without pre-conditions.
Bush: Actually, check the clock. Bush and his Wall Street cronies gave away those billions to companies too big too fail. Nice how that worked out.

9. Obama: Expanded the bailouts.
Bush: Engineered the single largest swing in the history of the world from surplus at the end of the Clinton years to debt at the end of his presidency.

10. Obama: Insulted everyone who has ever loved a Special Olympian. (Again, DNA can't not comment. He made an off-the-cuff remark about his bad bowling game improving. It's not an insult to everyone who has ever loved a special Olympian. Jeez, DNA thought the Democrats were sensitive whiners!)
Bush: Is a special Olympian. See, DNA couldn't resist. Okay, here's a serious one. Bush: When asked about how many innocent civilians have died in Iraq, he paused, and said offhand, "Oh, I don't know. Probably 30,000." As of 2007, independent reports suggest that number is closer to 150,000. Independent reports indicate that close to 5 MILLION children are orphaned in Iraq. That is truly an insult to the human dignity of humans everywhere.

11. Obama: Doubled our national debt.
Bush: Through "supplementals," hid the total amount of debt he accrued. To be fair, about a trillion of the Obama debt was in direct response to a financial crisis that was brought about by unregulated speculation courtesy of the previous 8 years....

12. Obama: Announced the termination of our new missile defense system the day after North Korea launched an ICBM.
Bush: This one is too good: Announced the termination of the U.S. Soviet anti-ballistic missile treaty so he can concoct a missile defense system to defend against terrorists by parking the system next to Russia!

13. Obama: Released information on U.S. intelligence gathering despite urgings of his own CIA director and the prior four CIA directors.
Bush: His administration knowingly committed treason by releasing the name of an active U.S. intelligence agent as a retaliatory strike against her husband. An aide to the VP gets hung out to dry with a slap on the wrist, and the sentence was commuted by the President. The VP was mad that the aide was not pardoned. The same VP later said that the VP is not part of the executive branch.

14. Obama: Accepted without comment that five of his cabinet members cheated on their taxes and two other nominees withdrew after they couldn't take the heat.
Bush: The list of people who are in jail, who were censured, or who were implicated in federal crimes close to Bush was large when he was in office, and is growing larger.

15. Obama: Appointed a Homeland Security Chief who identified military veterans and abortion opponents as "dangers to the nation." (She was concerned about the far right wing extremists who have already made more death threats on our current president than Bush had in his entire career).
Bush: Appointed Michael "Brownie" Brown the director of FEMA in charge of Hurricane Katrina. Brown had a long history of administrative experience as the head of the International Arabian Horse Association. Apparently Bush meant "Crony," not "Brownie."

16. Obama: Ordered that the word "terrorism" no longer be used and instead refers to such acts as "man made disasters." (Right. DNA thinks he has heard him say terrorism, as late as say, TODAY!)
Bush: Coined several new euphemisms. Prisoners of war became "enemy combatants," and "harsh interrogation techniques," language for which do not exist in any treaty or legal document, he called "alternate procedures." It used to be called torture when it was done against us. In the Bush Administration, lies were called "lapses in pre-war intelligence." "Special rendition" became another way to say kidnapping. "The Patriot Act" turned into another way to say, "Illegally spying on our own citizens."

17. Obama: Circled the globe to publicly apologize for America's world leadership.
Bush: Spent most of the last eight years burning up every bit of political good will we had built as a nation since World War II. He engaged with the rest of the world like we were the world's kings. You might call that our due, but I call it living down to every arrogant American stereotype there is. DNA is not an America basher. Bush could have easily lived up to our noble aspirations instead, like he did in response to the AIDS crisis in Africa. He just chose not to most of the time. Americans have much to be proud of in the world, but if we act like we don't have anything to apologize for when we do wrong, or that it is somehow a weakness to apologize, then we would be acting every bit like the arrogant assholes we have shown ourselves to be from time to time.

18. Obama: Told the Mexican president that the violence in their country was because of us.
Bush: In 2005, signed the "Security and Prosperity Partnership" agreement with Canada and Mexico, a very quiet effort to slowly erase our north and south borders to encourage a "North American Union." Nutty, huh, but true.

19. Obama: Politicized the census by moving it into the White House from the Department of Commerce.
Bush: Politicized and federalized states' rights issues regarding the governance of each states' citizens by enacting laws like the "Defense of Marriage Act." I have never understood how conservatives proclaim to be against big government meddling in our lives, but have no problems legislating their morality and religion on someone else.

20. Obama: Appointed as Attorney General the man who orchestrated the forced removal and expulsion to Cuba of a 9-year-old whose mother died trying to bring him to freedom in the United States.
Bush: Appointed one Attorney General who was so offended to look at a statue of the bared breast of Lady Justice that he ordered a curtain be placed over it; appointed another attorney general who orchestrated widespread political crony-ism in the department of justice, removed prosecutors who did not tow the ideological line, and probably broke the law while doing it. This was the same attorney general who lacked the courage to testify to his own participation in the drafting of the memos which allowed our country, MY country, to torture prisoners, making us no better in our methods than the evil we stand against.

21. Obama: Salutes as heroes three Navy SEALS who took down three terrorists who threatened one American life and the next day announces members of the Bush Administration may stand trial for "torturing" three 9/11 terrorists by pouring water up their noses.
Bush: Salutes the brave hero Pat Tillman, all the while his administration was aware that he was killed by friendly fire in Afghanistan, and then continued to praise him while they covered up the event, and resisted multiple inquiries by the family into the truth. Only when a congressional hearing was convened, was some indication that our current military leader, Stanley McChrystal, was well aware Tillman was killed by friendly fire when he ordered the Silver Star for Tillman. Glad he's the primary military advisor in Afghanistan to the prez.

22. Obama: Low altitude photo shoot of Air Force One over New York City that frightened thousands of New Yorkers.
Bush: Continued his vacation on his ranch and then did a fly over of New Orleans while tens of thousands were displaced, and lived a third world horror while water trucks and busses idled two states away.

The original message had 27 points, but DNA hopes he has made his. DNA could go on, but he thnks you get the idea. DNA has yet to really touch upon the more egregious errors our previous leader made. But in the entire time that DNA endured his fairly poor leadership, DNA never once thought, "I should purposely undermine his policies. I hope he fails." But DNA has heard this now for several months from those who oppose our current president. Consider over the past hundred years the major advances in human rights in our country. These were not championed by conservatives. Consider the the major advances in consumer protection that we take for granted. Not championed by conservatives. Consider the very programs that conservatives are now rallying around as being attacked by Democrats: Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid. All programs created by liberals, all programs that have worked over the decades to truly promote a sense of American social unity. None of these programs were endorsed by conservatives when they were enacted. Now we have a new health care debate. Who opposes it? The same groups who have without fail opposed other social changes which we now consider practically a sacred endowment of our people. Perhaps the health care legislation isn't as bad as some conservatives make it out to be........

Or maybe DNA is wrong. Either way, we all die in 2012, according to the Mayans.

Pass it around, unless you're not a proud, independent thinking American.....

Why Didn't DNA Hear This Before?

2009-11-25T10:25:00.006-06:00

DNA has liked the artist Toni Basil for a long time. If you listened to music in the 1980's, then you couldn't help but be beaten over the head by the song "Mickey," by her.

She was made annoying by radio and MTV overplay, but "Mickey," a cover of an earlier British song by the group Racer, called "Kitty," was more subversive than we could have guessed, since we were so young and innocent back then. Toni Basil was cool to DNA because of her street and film cred, (since the 1960's) and her relationship artistically and personally with DEVO. There weren't many women who were spudboys, ever, but she was. DEVO personnel played on her first album and penned three of the songs she sang, including "You Gotta Problem," "Be Stiff," and "Space Girls." She was in a B-movie slasher called "Slaughterhouse Rock" which featured several songs by DEVO.

No, don't thank DNA yet for this trip down memory lane. She gets so much cooler. The other day, DNA was listening to the song, "Mickey" again in an 80's playlist, and discovered what he always, subconsciously, knew was there. So, you have just heard the song, if you played the youtube link, and DNA presents the lyrics below:

Mickey, by Mike Chapmann and Nicky Chinn, adapted by Toni Basil

Oh Mickey, you're so fine
You're so fine, you blow my mind, hey Mickey, hey Mickey
Oh Mickey, you're so fine
You're so fine, you blow my mind, hey Mickey, hey Mickey
Oh Mickey, you're so fine
You're so fine, you blow my mind, hey Mickey...

Hey Mickey
You've been around all night and that's a little long
You think you've got the right but I think you've got it wrong
Why can't we say goodnight? So you can take me home, Mickey

Cause when you say you will, it always means you won't
You're givin' me the chills, baby, please baby don't
Every night you still leave me all alone, Mickey

Oh Mickey, what a pity, you don't understand
You take me by the heart when you take me by the hand
Oh Mickey, you're so pretty, can't you understand
It's guys like you, Mickey
Ooh what you do Mickey, do Mickey
Don't break my heart, Mickey

Hey Mickey
Now when you take me by the... who's... ever gonna know
Every time you move I let a little more show
There's something you can use, so don't say no, Mickey

So come on and give it to me anyway you can
Anyway you want to do it, I'll take it like a man
Oh please baby, please don't leave me in this jam Mickey

Refrain1:
Oh Mickey, what a pity, you don't understand
You take me by the heart when you take me by the hand
Oh Mickey, you're so pretty, can't you understand
It's guys like you, Mickey
Ooh what you do Mickey, do Mickey
Don't break my heart, Mickey

The song doesn't get interesting until the last verse. Remember, this song was originally about "Kitty," and if you just let your mind wander down double entendre lane where rock and roll lives, you understand what the song was about. So here is the last verse again, reading between the lines with DNA.

Hey Mickey
Now when you take me by the... who's... ever gonna know
DNA humbly submits that when she says take me, she means biblically.
Every time you move I let a little more show
There's something you can use, so don't say no, Mickey ......A rubber! She's telling the dork to use a rubber and he'll get laid! Notice in the video as she says this, she brings her hands together and prays that he will slip a jimmy hat on.

So come on and give it to me anyway you can Okay, are you ready?
Anyway you want to do it, I'll take it like a man If you were having sex, and she says she'll take it like a man, just what does that mean? Ass fucking. She's talking about weapons of ass destruction. How else do you take it like a man, sexually, if you are referring to getting fucked? Like a man? In the ass. Also, notice in the video, she does the one-person make out move here, in which her arms wrap around herself and go over her body.
Oh please baby, please don't leave me in this jam Mickey Or, Don't be a douchebag, ya litte bitch, it's my turn to ride the baloney pony.

The more DNA listens to it, the more he is convinced that Toni Basil converted the irony of a song about Kitty, and made it a song about the boy being hesitant to engage sexually, and then spelled out just how open she would be to anything he wanted to do. In other words, the cheerleaders in the video, and a generation of girls grew up singing and dancing to a song about getting F'd in the A.

This is why Toni Basil is cool. Subvert, subtlely. DNA's hat is off to you.

Happy Thanksgiving, What Are You Getting Me For Christmas?

2009-11-25T09:51:00.003-06:00

When your rude-ass monkey-in-law asks that, turn the other cheek. And the rest of your body, and walk away. Pick up your Thanksgiving dish you brought, and give thanks that you got the hell out of there. Then, on your way home, stop by your local Media Whore big box outlet and reward yourself for suffering the ignorant around you by doing a couple of things. First, go buy The Family, by Jeff Sharlet. It will scare and sicken you, and put the spotlight on religion this holiday season, which should put you in the proper mood. Afterwards, you may really need something to listen to which will restore your faith in humanity, or at least the music biz. Go buy Them Crooked Vultures, one of more interesting, accessible, and unplayed albums of 2009, but DNA thinks this will change soon.

Them's DNA's suggestions this Thanksgiving. Of course, you may choose to get drunk and sleep with your cousin's wife instead. Either way.

It Only Takes Eight Years....

2009-11-04T19:03:00.002-06:00

As is the custom, when I talk about the anniversaries of my dad's or mom's deaths, I'm not DNA, I'm just me.

Eight years ago, October 28th, 2001, my dad died from an aggressive brain tumor. Every year, I have attempted to recall some memory or story that would give you an idea of how much my dad meant to me. This year, I was discussing with my wife that on the actual anniversary day, I completely forgot it was the anniversary. I had thought about dad passing away in October all October, but it wasn't until Halloween that I remembered that I forgot!

So, eight years is what it takes. Kind of like the answer to the tootsie pop question. Eight years is what it takes to allow a memory of an important thing to occupy less of a prominent position in a person's mind. At least for me. As I was talking to my wife, and trying to think of a story to tell you in this blog, she told a story about dad and how he acted with my son Carl, which was more personal than she could have known, because her recollection of how dad acted with Carl were so similar to one of my own memories of how my dad acted with me that it freaked me out a little. There in the car, as our family was motoring across the river Sunday after church, I was brought back in time as surely as if H.G. Welles were writing my story.

In the car, I say that I just realized I forgot the anniversary of my dad's death. We discussed it for a bit, and one of my daughters say that it's not fair that they didn't get to know Grandpa, but Carl did. Carl doesn't say much. It still bothers him more than he is comfortable talking about. Lara and I talk about Carl and my dad together, and Lara remembers how we never used to make a bed for Carl when we visited the grandparents, because Carl and dad used to stay up late and watch cartoons together, and Carl would curl up in the space at the end of the couch behind the crick of dad's knees as he lay on the couch. He would get one of the afghans folded nicely over the cushions of the couch and use that for his blanket, and slowly drift off to sleep sometime before dawn.

While we described this, Carl seems surprised because he didn't remember staying up late with Grandpa like that. Then, a light dawns in his mind, and he says that he remembers watching a cartoon that looked like a talk show with a superhero on it (Space Ghost Coast To Coast), which they did watch very often. He seems glad to recall another memory of his Grandpa, and while he is enjoying a moment or two of his Grandpa's presence, I am transported back 40 years, to the same place.

Though the couch was different, and the TV shows were different, I remember that living room like it was yesterday, those Saturday nights when I would make my way downstairs, unable to sleep, and curl up at the end of the couch. Dad would be home, and so used to working the third shift, that even after a hard day of work at home, he couldn't sleep at night. I would gently step over dad's outstretched legs, and worm my cold little feet behind or under his backside. I would tuck his gnarled old feet under my arm or put them up against my chest, and warm them up. Sometimes he would stir, but sometimes he would act like I wasn't there, and we would stay up and watch bad movies, re-runs of wrestling, or Don Kirschner's Rock Concert on the TV.

I have three very early clear memories, say, from about two to three years of age. The first is going to the hospital when my mom had her hysterectomy. The second was watching the first moon landing on TV. The third was being at home with my dad one time when he was sick (a very, very rare occurrence) and being curled up on the couch with him.

When I look at my son, I see me, my dad, and a line of people back to the origins of humanity. I see sons trusting their fathers and fathers protecting their children and some kernel of that experience surviving in an unbroken bond of what it means to be a father from then until now. I consider it an honor to be entrusted with the duty to keep this bond alive, and in so doing, keep my father, and his father, and those before us alive in thought as well as in deed. Whether or not you believe in an afterlife, this bond is a very real expression of eternal life, and is as tangible in our lives as is the dna of my dad's which I carry in my genes. There is so much of dad in me, and nearly as much in my son.

The gulf of time seems like a very small divide today.

Air Travel Is For White People....

2009-10-25T14:50:00.003-05:00

This is not a racist statement, but a statement that you might make if you actually looked at the constituency of the ticketholding people flying in an airport, even a large metropolitan airport like O'Hare or LaGuardia.

Over the last few weeks, as DNA traveled across the country, he noticed that about 99% of his fellow air travelers were white. In Minneapolis, it was about 99.9%. In contrast, about 90% of all the employees he saw at the airport were not white (excluding pilots and flight attendants). He had noticed this before, but this time, as the disparity was pummeling him, he actively looked to disprove his current and previous observations. As he looked closer, at every airport he stopped at, his observations were confirmed. In the last month, DNA was in the St. Louis airport, Minneapolis, Detroit, Atlanta, Buffalo, and some others. This seemed like a representative enough sample.

Given these basic facts: Whites make up about 74% of the population (2008 census statistics). This is approximately 221 million people. Blacks make up approximately 12.5% of the population which is about 37 million people. Those that consider themselves Hispanic (of any race) make up about 14% or 44 million people. Some of those people consider themselves white, some consider themselves black and some consider themselves other. DNA is going to ignore hispanics for the sake of this argument. But, hispanics, this is nothing new, right? America has been ignoring your contribution to our society for about two hundred years already.

The number of white people considered in poverty is about 8.6% of the white population. The number of black people considered in poverty is about 24% of the black population. No other group, including hispanics, are even close to this level of poverty.

So, whites make the vast majority of people in this country, and at the same time, whites make up the smallest minority of the poorest people. Hmmmm.

Given the information above, if all other things were equal, how many black people should you expect flying from place to place? Well, if poverty were equal, you would expect about 12.5% of the flying population would be black. But, given that there are more blacks in poverty as a percentage of their total population, then the percentage of black flyers should be smaller than 12.5%, since financial ability to fly would impact who flies. By how much? Well, let's first throw out people in poverty, white or black from our pool of flyers. That's 19 million whites and approximately 9 million blacks. In other words, even though blacks only make up about 12.5% of the population, they make up about 32% of the population in poverty. Once we ditch all those freeloading losers of the two races that don't want to work and apparently like living at or below the subsistence level, (we'll just assume they don't fly very often) then, of the remaining population, about 81% are white and about 11% are black. So, you should expect to see, all things being equal, about 11% of the flyers in an airport who are black. Removing the poorest of the poor of both races, we still need to consider overall distribution of wealth. $50,000 or more is a good cut off to look at when considering who can afford air travel. Anything less than that, in DNA's completely unscientific perspective, and people don't have enough disposable income to afford flying regularly. Of the total population, 51% who make more than $50,000 are white. About 32% of the population who make more than $50,000 are black. So, only about 32% of the original 11% of the black population can actually afford to fly. One third of 11% is about 4%. Now we are getting closer to the 1% or so that DNA has witnessed in actual airports.

The effects of this obvious racial divide is not lost on blockheads like DNA, who blithely goes about his daily life untouched, at least directly, by the effects of racism. So, how much more apparent do you think it is to the vast majority of airport employees who are not white? How many times do you think they have to serve their customers before they begin to accept the message drummed into their heads which vibrates through the very concrete of the terminal, that white people afford the luxury to fly, and black people serve them food, shine their shoes, and carry their luggage? If DNA can see it, and honestly, he wasn't really looking for it, how obvious is it to a black traveler?

There is not a more stark barometer of our country's racial health than airports. Are there other reasons besides the undeniable economic divide which might support the hypothesis that air travel is for white people?

Yes.

Skymall.

Simply reading Skymall makes you white.

Airlines don't really share much information about the racial composition of their flights. Wonder why? However, airlines don't really need to. All you have to do is open your eyes and count the next time you are in an airport. Until 12.5% of our nation's air travelers are black, then DNA thinks it will be safe to say that racism is alive and well in the good old USA.

Let the Pizza Eating Begin...

2009-10-21T10:59:00.006-05:00

So, once again, DNA traveled for his work, and spent the evening in Chicago. Mr. Kamikaze and DNA ordered from Leona's.

On the LaRoma's Pizza Nirvana Quotient (LPNQ) the pizza rated about an 84%. It wasn't bad, but the thin crust was just a little too thin, and bit and chewed more like a flatbread than a pizza crust. But the sauce was good. The cheese was appropriately browned, and the pizza was a circle cut into squares. DNA thinks tonight, we may go for something completely different.

Who Put The Cunt in Country Music....

2009-10-21T00:35:00.003-05:00

Okay, if that didn't grab your attention, nothing will. DNA has long lived by the motto, "Seem innocuous, Be virulent." Don't be the suspect, be the instigator. Don't be obvious, but be subversive. You get the drift. As far as musical forms go, most rock and roll isn't very subtle, very little is truly subversive anymore, and most of rock music, unfortunately, is predictable. However, country music, the little DNA knows about, actually still seemed to have some of that subversive power. Most pop country appeared on the surface, to be conservative, traditional values anthems, but underneath, a strong sexual undercurrent rippled through the songs, hiding under the guise of "good ol' boys" just sewin' their oats. There was kind of a nod and a wink even among the most conservative religious people that guys like Toby Keith were okay, even though they pretty openly sing about smoking weed with Willy Nelson and party like rock stars (drugs, sluts, you get the picture). Yet, at the end of the day, all was forgiven, because they loved their moms, and their country, and were proud of their down home common roots. And ya can't fault a good ol' boy for being human, can you?

Notice, DNA said country music "seemed to have some of that subversive power" a moment ago. Country had that power until Brad Paisley wrote and recorded the song, "Ticks." This song is about as subtle as KISS's beautiful rock anthem "Burn, Bitch, Burn." Country had not crossed that final rubicon, even with the song, "Save a horse, ride a cowboy," until "Ticks" hit the airwaves. As of now, country music has sold its soul to the devil.

Without further ado, DNA presents the lyrics, and the line by line commentary, for the song, "Ticks," by Brad Paisley.

Everytime you take a sip
in this smoky atmosphere
you press that bottle to your lips
and i wish i was your beer
(you simply can't get more pathetically sophomoric and juvenile than wishing you were a bottle of beer so that you could feel the girls lips...and presumably, the bottle really is a phallic symbol here. This is what 7th grade chess club uberdorks say when they are trying to sound coool.)

and in the small there of your back
your jeans are playing peek a boo
id like to see the other half
of your butterfly tattoo
(Yes, the blatantly christian, made his reputation off of being a family man Paisley is saying, while he is drooling over his own beer in the corner, and staring at this chick in a bar, that he wants to see her bare ass. Nice. You know who else drools over their beers and says stuff like "I'd like to see the rest of that tattoo"? Sexual predators, that's who : D)

hey that gives me an idea
lets get out of this bar
and drive out into the country
and find a place to park
("'Scuse, me, I know we just met, but your tattoo made me think about seeing your naked ass. Since you obviously want me to act this way, how about we go make out now?")

cause id like to see you out in the moonlight
id like to kiss you way back in the sticks
id like to walk you through a field of wildflowers
(Okay, that part is actually kind of nice...)
and I'd like to check you for ticks
(Huh? Wait a second. Did he say he wants to check you for ticks? What the fuck? Again, only 13 year-olds think that any aspect of being checked for ticks conjures a sexual image. This is the same kind of thinking that boys employ when they learn what gynecologists do for a living. As if there would be anything sexually exciting about a pap smear. Besides such imagery being firmly planted in the amygdala of the pubescent male brain, it needlessly sexualizes imagery that can't and shouldn't be sexualized. It would be like being aroused by pictures of naked women outside of Auschwitz.

Of course, he's not really saying he wants to check her for ticks. He's saying, "Let's go out in the woods, and under a pretext of looking out for her safety, let's get naked and get our hands on each other, in the thorough way you would do if he were checking her for ticks. DNA gets it. It's just pathetically bad imagery.)

i know the perfect little path
out in these woods i used to hunt
(and what rhymes with hunt? There are several times that Paisley purposely uses words that conjure sexual words as rhyming pairs.)
don't worry babe I've got your back
and I've also got your front (really? Did he really just say that? This isn't sophomoric anymore, it's fourth grade. Like the first time you thought of girls having boobs. This is how Paisley sounds cool with girls? Echhh. DNA feels kind of dirty.)
id hate to waste a night like this
I'll keep you safe you wait and see
the only thing allowed to crawl all over you
when we get there is me (Or, "I won't allow ticks to crawl on you and touch your boobies, and tickle your cooter, those perverted little bastards. The only parasitic, disease-carrying insect that will grope you is me.")

you know every guy in here tonight
would like to take you home
but I've got way more class than them
and that ain't what I want(Yes, he has way more class. He doesn't want to take her home and fuck her, like those other loser bastards. He wants to lead her out in the woods, strip her naked and molest her. He wouldn't think of fucking her. That wouldn't be very respectful.)

cause id like to see you out in the moonlight
id like to kiss you way back in the sticks
id like to walk you through a field of wildflowers
and id like to check you for ticks("I'd like to purposely expose you to a risk of parasitic infection, so that I could have a chance to touch you naked." WTF????)

oooh you never know where one might be
and oooh there's lots of places that are hard to reach(DNA simply can't get the image of a 60 year-old man saying this to a 9 year-old girl out of his freaking head. This is the kind of dialog that child rapists and catholic priests say to their victims. This is not witty banter and sexual innuendo.)

id like to see you out in the moonlight
id like to kiss you way back in the sticks
id like to walk you through a field of wildflowers
and id like to check you for ticks

oh id sure like to check you for ticks

DNA for one, would like to check Brad Paisley with a hayfork to the face. Brad, you have single-handedly destroyed country music, which is too bad, cuz you're a really talented guitar player. DNA is sad that now, almost all pop music in America is exactly what it seems like: Silly, simple, inneundo and vapid, vacuous hooks.

DNA recommends buying the new Brad Paisley album. It will hasten the end of the world. We need a good apocalypse after that record.

Hey Everybody It's Pizza Time!

2009-10-15T20:36:00.010-05:00

DNA travels for the program at which he works. Part of the ritual of travel is to find a good pizza joint wherever he goes. A couple of weeks back, he went to Minneapolis, had a nice reunion with Max, Pat, and Suanne, and then made it back to the hotel. DNA asked the locals where a good pizza place was, and they recommended Carbone's Pizza.

The menu had some good pictures which reminded DNA of LaRoma's Pizza, which is possibly the best pizza ever made, a restaurant which has long since went the way of all pizza joints which were used to launder money.

Wait...you haven't heard of LaRoma's? You weren't in Carbondale during the too few years it was open? You never tasted the deceptively simple perfection of either the thin or the stuffed LaRoma's pie? DNA is sorry for you. DNA was lucky enough to be here when it was here, and some days, the memory of LaRoma's Pizza is the only thing that keeps all the inhumanity he wallows in worth enduring...

Carbone's Pizza had a thin, but not crunchy crust, with lots of cheese cooked to the perfect golden brown. The sauce was a nice mix of spicy, tomato-y, sweet and tangy. It was a circle cut in squares. In other words, it met all of the criteria of the LaRoma's Pizza Nirvana Quotient (LPNQ). Only one pizza has ever score a 100% on the LPNQ. That's a LaRoma's extra large pepperoni. You didn't have to specify a crust, because the extra large was only thin. It came with two 32 ounce cokes, served with pellet ice, which, if you didn't know, is the only way to drink a coke. It was perfection. Well, the pie Carbone's delivered rated about a 91%, and is as close as DNA has gotten to LaRoma's since LaRoma's went out of business. It was a worthwhile trip.

DNA also traveled to Buffalo, New York. Again, on one free evening, DNA talked to the locals, and was recommended Picasso's Pizza. The hotel staff gave DNA a menu, and DNA was faced with two choices: DeNiro's or Picasso's. A heavy-set, pizza lovin' girl behind the counter said between the two, she would go for Picasso's. DNA ordered a large extra cheese.

Now that looked somewhat promising, but when DNA opened it up and had a few slices, he concluded that unfortunately, the heavy-set girl at the counter appreciated quantity over quality. If this was "Western New York's Premier Pizzeria," as the box proclaimed, DNA could understand how chicken wings dunked in hot sauce was the quisine for which the area was known. Picasso's was certainly a step above Little Caesar's, but just a baby step up.

DNA should have suspected that Picasso's was going to be generic, when none of the menu items played up on the obvious art motif: You know, the box should have said something like, "Picasso's Pizza: A Work Of Art!" or on the menu, it should have had a section of specialty pizzas called the "Blue Period" or something like that. Instead, generic. DNA wishes he would have tried DeNiro's. Next time. Next time.

DNA also traveled to Chicago, and stayed with Mr. Kamikaze and his family. Here is an action shot of Mr. Kamikaze:

Every time DNA has traveled for his work, he has ended up crashing on Mr. Kamikaze's couch. But before that happens, we order pizza. DNA doesn't remember the name of the pizza place we ordered from this time, but it rocked. Mr. Kamikaze agrees that the LPNQ is the measuring stick by which pizzas are judged. This pizza probably earned an 85% on the LPNQ. DNA is on his way back up to Chicago next week. There will be a pizza joint or two in his future.

Every Time I See The Wendy Williams Show....

2009-09-13T00:09:00.013-05:00

DNA is a nite owl, always has been. As DNA flips through the channels late at night, he always pauses on the listing for the Wendy Williams Show on BET. Every single time he sees this, DNA wonders for just a second what kind of a world it would be if the lead singer from the 1970's and 80's punk band The Plasmatics, Wendy O. Williams, had a show on BET. This is in spite of the fact that DNA has thought this same thought maybe 40 or 50 separate times as he has scrolled by the show listing, and in spite of the fact that Wendy died in 1998. Every time, he still chuckles to himself. He imagines an ageing Wendy, wearing a clear plastic shirt over a G-string, with two electrical taped "X's" over her nipples, saying something like, "Okay, my next guest is 50 Cent, who I'm gonna fuck right here onstage tonight!"

There must be some appeal to the juxtaposition of freaky, unpredictable and cool old white chick
on suave, hip, and cool young black TV channel.
Is it the absurdity of the farce, or dismay over the fact that it would never happen? You see, in a world in which BET exists, integrated programming will not exist on said channel. Integrated programming which appeals to a diverse population is not in BET's interest. In this respect, DNA almost agrees with the conservative social argument that specialized networks, programs, etc., which use race as a criteria for programming or inclusion are contributing to the racial divide, not bridging it. If racial unity and harmony were the goals of TV, then each network would have shows that reflect the actual percentage of diverse populations in America, but NONE of them do. Whites make up approximately 79% of the population; blacks 12% (US Census, 2008). No network reflects this. Major networks are almost all white. Networks that cater to a specific group are overwhelmingly that group as well. The marketplace seems to support separate but equal.

DNA can only wonder, when he dreams of a world in which white punk rock chicks host shows on BET, if, had Martin Luther King Jr. still been alive, would he have been dreaming of that world, too?

Bikes Rock!

2009-09-12T17:18:00.002-05:00

So, DNA ordered a bike at the end of August. DNA was expecting it on September 8th. Late on the afternoon of the 8th, he got a call from Al, of Lloyd's Paint and Paper in Crystal Lake, Illinois, who called to tell DNA he received my package and it looked like it was in pretty bad shape.

DNA called and emailed the bike company and UPS, and although it took a little bit for each to understand the situation, DNA thinks they did right by him. At first, UPS said DNA would need to contact the company he bought the bike from, and the company would call UPS and decide how to resolve the problem. So DNA did that. However, the company people could read as well as DNA could, and when we tracked the package, it showed it was still in transit, and therefore, there is not yet a problem. DNA called UPS back, and told them he knew where the bike was, and instead of going through some drawn out process, couldn't they simply retrieve their mis-delivered package, and send it to him? They actually agreed that that made sense, and dispatched someone to pick it up.

Here's the funny thing: Even though UPS apologized every time DNA spoke with them, and were sorry that they mis-delivered his package, and were willing to go get it and send it to him, when DNA tracked the package again, the folks at UPS listed the package not as being mis-delivered, but that the receiver of the package, one Al, requested a change of delivery address, and it was now being sent to DNA's address.

Why can't people or companies simply admit when they make a mistake? DNA would respect that a lot more than the responsibility dodging "solution" that is the official story from UPS.

Regardless of the human drama, here are some pictures of the fattest guy you know enjoying the hell out of his new bike!

The Difference Between The Left And The Right....

2009-09-04T18:48:00.004-05:00

Just recently, DNA watched Real Time with Bill Maher. Bill is funny, but sometimes forces the comedy a little too much. DNA has never cared for the delivery, particularly at the end of jokes Bill knows are cheap.

Anyway, Bill made a good point the other day. When Bush was President, there were conspiracy nuts galore talking about the right as neo-fascists. Since Obama became President, there are conspiracy nuts galore talking about the left as neo-socialists.

Obama clearly stands for death panels, government regulation, removal of rights to protect illegal aliens, secret handshakes with South American leftists, and not-so-secret black power fist bumps with his wife, using healthcare for slavery reparations, taking our guns, and the blatant obvious fact that he is not a U.S. citizen, and stole the Presidency in flagrant contempt for the Constitution. Or so "they" say.

Bush, the other "they" contend, lied to get us into a war, let his Vice-President and Secretary of Defense lead us down a path in which we saw the erosion of the Bill of Rights, secret prisons, and illegal wiretaps, spent the greatest swing of money from surplus to deficit in human history, used the Justice Department on witch-hunts against political enemies, let his advisors influence decisions to fire appointed judges for ideological reasons, completely fabricated some kind of link between al-qaeda and Iraq, and bungled Katrina because he hates black people.

The only difference is that the right wing nutjobs have made up every "conspiracy" that they have "uncovered," while the left wing nutjobs actually discovered systematic abuses to cede more control and authority to our central government than ever before.

DNA has chosen not to write about this until now, because the right sounds so fucking stupid it seemed self-evident that their positions are ludicrous. But, at the back of DNA's mind is the fear that while ignorant baseless statements like "healthcare is about reparations," (Fox News) the Birther movement, and so many other statements that are so off the right they are in another time zone, that eventually enough of the herd will sense fear, and then wheel and turn in the direction that the cattle drivers with the whips want them to go.

So, fear about Obama taking your guns was not enough (since it hasn't happened...but don't let the absence of the fact of it happening keep you from being afraid he is just waiting until you're not looking...);

Fear created by linking him with radicals who hate America was not enough(like a preacher who speaks hatefully...no republican has ever done that);

Fear created by implicating that Obama somehow lied about his birth and covered up his citizenship was not enough(completely fabricated, and yet, Bush, who probably did cover up his lack of National Guard Service, succeeded in humiliating Dan Rather);

Fear that Obama is using the healthcare debate to socialize this country and give reparations to blacks was not enough(there is no analogue in the Bush White house, because this idea is so fucking out to lunch...well, wait...the Prescription Drug Plan by Bush has cost us billions and made drug companies even richer, exactly what opponents of Obama claim will happen now);

Fear that Obama must have engineered this huge debt and "bailout" to pay for the communist "greening" of this country, and turning it into a "different" America was not enough (the next white skuzzy crackhead bitch who limps up to a microphone and says, "I want my America back," please right wingers, tell DNA, what America is this? Is it the ones in which "colored" people have their very own drinking fountains, and only whores got divorced, and only protestants go to heaven?);

Fear that Obama is the most insidious kind of black person, you know, the kind that sounds white, but uses that fuck our women, was not enough (but it has been enough to have parents actually threaten to keep their kids from going to school on a day in which a school broadcast from Obama about staying in school is to be aired, because "you just can't trust Obama");

By themselves, these things are not enough, but together, they accomplish their purpose. Fuck. Listen to DNA. Who is "they?" Whose purpose is being achieved? Who is this conspiracy? Is DNA buying into the whole consipracy mindset? If so, he is as guilty of everyone else on the right for slinging this conspiracy bullshit.

There is no conspiracy. The people who idealistically want less government, who you could actually have a good debate with, happen to be in front of a pretty big crowd of real shits who want less government so that they can continue to make money on the backs of people hand over fist. What oil company exec would EVER agree to cap and trade, or willingly cut pollution if it costs them more in the short run? If we only believe that an unfettered free market ultimately is the best option in a free society, how did our free market bring the world to the brink of total global depression which would have made the Great Depression look like a hiccup? Because people aren't incentivized to help each other. Grandma can't afford health care? Fuck her. She should have planned ahead. She's old anyway. People look out for their own interest.

But as shitty as that is, it is only marginally shittier than a runaway government on the left. Those on the left who want bigger government for social protections stand in front of a pretty big group of shits who are getting fat off of doing nothing, while joes like you and DNA work hard and won't get shit for it.

The right doesn't need to concoct bullshit to weaken the agenda of the left, and vice versa. They each should rationally debate the issues. However, that takes a lot of work. Fear is an easier tool to wield, and for whatever reason, it is a weapon the right uses pretty much exclusively. DNA guesses this is the Jeopardy answer to the blog post title (The Difference Between The Left And The Right---Alex, what is "Using fear to achieve your ends?"). The right used fear when Bush was in office (if we don't strike Iraq the terrorists will win) and is using fear now (see all the above examples). To turn the tide, all the right has to do is get the herd to wheel, which it is doing. DNA applauds Obama for attempting to fight fear with reason. However, he will lose, he will lose this fight, and he will lose the next election becasue of this. Fear beats reason, almost every single time. What we need in a President is cunning. Intelligence and cunning will beat fear and deviousness. But if intelligence and cunning does win, will we be any better off? Won't the left really be doing the same thing as the right?

When DNA looks at the right, he is afraid for our society, because in that direction lies fascism, anti-science, religiosity, fanaticism, and the destruction of our most cherished ideals in the name of Christianity and morality. When DNA looks at the left, he is afraid for our society, because in that direction, bloated governments will shepherd us along for our own safety, create a welfare state, use speech codes in the name of protecting diversity to limit free expression, tax us to the breaking point, will bleed out invention and innovation of companies by restrictive policies, will force us to adapt to rules for the greater good, without being able to question "whose good?" and will allow short-term scientific analyses to provide the "reason" for ill-fated social policies.

On one side, jack-booted thugs who jail you for disagreeing with your president. On the other, hemp-bootied hippies who want to teach you to share for your own good. What can we do?

Move to New Zealand.

Except they don't want American assholes.

Coasting....

2009-09-01T14:14:00.003-05:00

Recently, as school and DNA's job has heated up, he had been coasting on the blog site. Sure, he wrote some songs, published a book, and organized his class reunion, but what the fuck does that do for you, o Twin Rockets Are A Go, Baby! reader?

While DNA was out buying a new bike to ride with his kids,

he realized that he had been coasting downhill in life for the whole summer. One day, he saw that besides many lurkers who stop by this website from time to time, there was a follower of this merry little blog. Shit! That puts the pressure on! All these great topics to write about, which have been sitting by the wayside, have got to come forth now! The Mom of Snooch depends on it! DNA has got to get on the blog-bike and ride!

The Bookful Blockhead, Ignorantly Read With Loads Of Learned Lumber In His Head---Alexander Pope

2009-08-13T11:57:00.007-05:00

DNA thought it was apt to quote one of his favorite authors to announce that

"TWIN ROCKETS ARE A GO, BABY!" the BOOK is now available for purchase! You can buy it online HERE through DNA's friends at lulu.com. It is available in print for a measely $13.99, or you can download an electronic version for only $2.49!!! DNA suggests the print version, not because he makes more cash off of it (in fact, he makes less) but because he has had a couple of proof copies of the book for awhile, and the book is really nicely put together. Here is a picture of the cover:

Don't you NEED a picture of vibrators twisted into a double helix connected by batteries on YOUR coffee table? Of course you do!

A New Song....

2009-08-05T12:26:00.002-05:00

These things just happen when they happen. A few weeks ago, DNA became interested in getting his high school class 25-year reunion going, and connected with lots of his classmates to really do something fun for a 25-year reunion. Along the way, DNA was inspired to write this song. Click on the link below to listen to

Here Again.

As always, let DNA know what you think. Unless you're complaining or are a critic. Then you can keep that shit to yourself.

A Brief History of Music....

2009-07-08T23:00:00.005-05:00

Not long ago, the remains of a vulture bone flute and a mammoth ivory flute were found in the refuse pits of 35,000 to 40,000 year old human settlements. Wow. These are the oldest verified musical instrument found. There are some claims that even older flutes have been found at a Neanderthal site that could be as old as 80,000 years old, but there is some debate about whether those "flutes" were actually flutes, or just the side effects of hungry predators punching holes in cave bear arm bones. After reading through what evidence DNA could find on the internet, he is inclined to believe that the older cave bear bone "flutes" are indeed actual flutes and not just flutes in quotations.

Regardless of which flute is the oldest, knowing that a musical instrument exists at that time means that we must presuppose many, many things. First, a reconstruction of the vulture bone flute produced recognizable musical tones in a recognizable set of intervals. DNA crapped his pants when he heard a sound file of the flute. This was a big deal.

Why is this a big deal, and why crap your pants, you might ask DNA? Well, to answer the first question, it is a big deal because if the tones were in a recognizably spaced pattern, i.e., a scale, and one that approximated a modern scale, then this means a modern conception of musical syntax must have existed at that time, too. But, not just at that time. The musical understanding had to pre-date the flute by a long time. How many generations of singers would have to pass before the concept of how music works would be comfortable enough as a social tool for an artisan to spend a lot of time to first figure out that wind power from human lungs can produce ordered tones in hollow tubes? Scale lengths, materials, hole sizes and spacing would all have to be experimented with over long periods of time, too. DNA guesses that the concept of music probably pre-dates the first musical instruments by tens of thousands of years. Which means, that music and speech are likely developmental milestones in our species which occurred roughly at the same time.

If the Neanderthal flute is the real deal, then the development of music very well might pre-date our species, and DNA can't tell you how geeked out he is about that possibility.

Follow these friendly links for more information about the story:

Oldest Human Musical Instruments

Oldest Musical Instruments Found

Neanderthal Flute

To answer the second question, DNA crapped his pants because it was time to crap, and when the times comes, DNA waits for no man, or, as in this case, he waits for no sound file of a 40,000 year old instrument to finish playing, either.

Editing is Hard...

2009-07-08T22:58:00.003-05:00

DNA is having difficulty finding the time to edit the massive volume that is the collected "Twin Rockets Are A Go, Baby!" But this weekend is likely to see the final version forwarded to the publisher...

Give A Monkey A Typewriter...

2009-06-24T15:38:00.002-05:00

And he will shit on it, eventually. DNA has a fun little announcement to share with you, the breathless internet throng: DNA has written a book! It is called, no surprise, "Twin Rockets Are A Go, Baby!" It is a collection of the best of the website, with some extras thrown in. In the next few days, DNA will let you know when it is available for purchase and/or download, and how to buy it. Over the next few weeks, it will be available across many booksellers, including places like Amazon.com. Pretty nifty, huh?

Also, DNA has begun work in earnest on new songs. One is about the Hangar 9, another is about his upcoming high school reunion, and still others are from the old DNA catalog. Who knows when it will be complete? You will, that's who!!

And, to the many who have purchased songs from the albums, particularly some folks who downloaded all of the Akkademiks, THANKS!

Broccoli Obama

2009-06-06T12:47:00.003-05:00

Bet you didn't know DNA was a cook. Though it seems obvious, DNA did a search for a broccoli dish playing on Obama's name. There were lots of goofy pictures but no recipes, not really. There was a Broccoli Obama pizza, but it was pizza with broccoli on it. There are probably several other "dish, add broccoli" concoctions.

This one is a little different, and in the tradition of Potatoes O'Brien, or Beef Wellington. DNA presents Broccoli Obama. This recipe was based on a recipe by Tiffany DeSena, on the website, cooks.com.

1 medium onion, finely chopped
2 10oz pkgs of frozen broccoli, cooked and drained
1 stick of butter
1 can cream of mushroom soup
3 tablespoons of teriyaki sauce
1 can of crushed pineapple
6 cups of wild rice
1 clove of garlic
3 cups of shredded sharp cheddar cheese

Preheat oven to 350°F.

In a skillet melt the stick of butter. Sauté onion and garlic, until onions are tender. Set aside to cool.

Steam the frozen broccoli until thawed, then drain well. Let cool.

Cook wild rice according to directions. (Use any type of rice desired; wild rice is exceptionally good in this recipe).

It is important to allow the warm ingredients to cool before mixing everything together so the cheese doesn't melt too soon.

When sufficiently cool, reserve 1/2 cup of the cheese and then mix remaining ingredients together. Depending on how sweet you want the dish, either drain the pineapple, or leave the juice in. If you drain the juice, add an equivalent amount of water. Put in a oven-proof baking dish or casserole dish (or 2 if needed).

Spread reserved 1/2 cup of cheese on top. Cover with foil.

Bake for 20 minutes, remove foil; bake an additional 5 to 15 minutes, or until cheese on top is hot and bubbly.

Make approx 12 servings, recipe can be cut in half.

DNA just made this up. Do me a favor, someone, cook this up and tell us all how it tastes!

The Eventual Destruction Of Our Great Republic...

2009-06-04T14:41:00.007-05:00

will not be caused by terrorists, or nuclear attack, or mutated viruses, or by liberals, or by any other group you might thing. It will be caused by Sweden.

Let that sink in for a moment. Sweden. Why Sweden?

Ask Erik Alexander, Max Martin, and Johan Schuster to start with. These guys, as well as Savan Kotecha are the principle songwriters and producers for Lindsey Lohan, Geri Halliwell, Pink, NSYNC, the Backstreet Boys, and dozens of other pop divas and groups. They form the core of a Swedish group of producers who have influenced pop music for over a generation. Sweden. Is Sweden to blame for our cultural implosion? Yes. Knulla dig, you sumbitches!

In specific, Savan Kotecha and company are the writers responsible for Britney Spear’s latest single, “If You Seek Amy” (and have been part of her success from the beginning). Before DNA dissects this turd for your inspection, please take a moment to understand the true meaning of horror by watching her video for the song:

Britney Spears - New Music - More Music Videos

Okay, grossed out or bored yet? If not, be prepared to have your IQ drop while you read the lyrics to the song:

“Lalalalala
Oh baby baby
Have you seen Amy tonight?
Is she in the bathroom
Is she smokin' up outside
Oh

Oh baby baby
Does she take a piece of lime
For the drink that I’ma buy her
Do you know just what she likes
Oh

Oh Oh
Tell me have you seen her
Because I'm so
Oh
I can't get her off of my brain

I just want to go to the party she gonna go
Can somebody take me home
Ha ha he ha ha ho

Love me hate me
Say what you want about me
But all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If You Seek Amy
Love me hate me
But can't you see what I see
All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If You Seek Amy

Lalalalalala

Amy told me that she's gonna meet me up
I don't know where or when and now they're closing up the club
Oh

I've seen her want to drive before she knows my face
But it's hard to see with all the people standing in the way
Oh

Oh oh
Tell me have you seen her
Because I'm so
Oh
I can't get her off of my brain

I just want to go to the party she's gonna go
Can somebody take me home
Ha ha he ha ha ho

Love me hate me
Say what you want about me
But all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If You Seek Amy
Love me hate me
But can't you see what I see
All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If You Seek Amy

Oh
So what you want about me
Oh
But can't you see what I see
Oh
So what you want about me

So tell me if you've seen her
Cause I've been waiting here forever
Oh baby baby
If You Seek Amy tonight
Oh
Oh baby baby
We'll do whatever you like
Oh baby baby baby
Oh baby baby baby

Lalalalalala
Lalalalalala

Love me hate me
So what you want about me
But all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If You Seek Amy
Love me hate me
But can't you seek what I see
All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If You Seek Amy
Love me hate me so what you want about me (yeah)
Love me hate me
But can't you see what I see
All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If You Seek Amy

Oh
So what you want about me
Oh
But can't you see what I see
Oh So what you want about me

All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If You Seek Amy”

DNA is not a prude, nor is he shocked by much, except the shocking display of a lack of talent presented here. The only thing that she could shock me with is a revelation that she is actually Amish. We already accept that Britney is damaged goods, and have seen everything she has to offer. Seeing her attempt to be sexually inviting is like asking a hooker to be coy. Really, where is the mystery? The lyrics themselves are not shocking, either. When was the last time Britney sang a song that didn’t explicitly or implicitly ask you to fuck her?

Just in case you didn’t get it when you read it, Britney is saying “Can’t you see what I see---oh, so what you want about me? All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek Amy” or “all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to F.U.C.K. me.” Genius, huh? Those Swedish songwriters sure are gifted at this language stuff, cuz, ya see, they’re saying one thing, about how she is wanted as a commodity, but she is also saying people are sexually attracted to her, AND they are saying that perhaps We might see the world a little bit differently if we go on some quest for Amy, AND in the process, they get to spell out “fuck!” They’re really cool.

You know the only thing is different about this song and other Britney songs? Spelling. In this song, you have to be able to spell to get the “special meaning.” That is a step up.

What is the special meaning, seriously? Sure, DNA gets the obvious “thumb your nose up at the FCC” attitude of the writers, and he understands the smiles that cross their faces everytime they hear Britney spell out the word “fuck” on the radio and don’t get in hot water over it. But the real message here is, let’s see, Britney is looking for Amy, and Amy is either herself as a fuckable object, or the allegorical personification of sex, or maybe Britney is just referring cutely to her pussy. DNA likes to think the latter. In fact, let’s try a few of the lyrics with “my pussy” in place of Amy:

Lalalalala
Oh baby baby
Have you seen my pussy tonight?
Is my pussy in the bathroom
Is my pussy smokin' up outside
Oh

Oh baby baby
Does my pussy take a piece of lime
For the drink that I’ma buy my pussy
Do you know just what my pussy likes
Oh

Oh Oh
Tell me have you seen my pussy
Because I'm so
Oh
I can't get my pussy off of my brain

I just want to go to the party my pussy gonna go
Can somebody take me home
Ha ha he ha ha ho

Love me hate me
Say what you want about me
But all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to F.U.C.K. my pussy
Love me hate me
But can't you see what I see
All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to F.U.C.K. my pussy

Honestly, isn’t that all this song is really saying? That’s the message DNA would rather hear, instead of the crap it gets instead. Again, the problem isn’t that she is singing about fucking, the problem is that she is doing it in a form that will reach a playground full of seven and eight year olds. Little kids are singing this shit to each other, and emulating the fashion of Britney and countless other video slags. You have little girls DNA’s daughters' ages telling their peers, boys and girls alike, to FUCK THEM!!! What the fuck is wrong with us?

Before we go and dismiss the destruction of our culture as the aim of these songwriters, or brush of the idea that this song isn’t intended for a young audience, DNA will point out to you that the principle songwriter for “If You Seek Amy” also writes for such kid-friendly artists as Miranda Cosgrove (of iCarly fame), and Jordan Pruitt, both kids who record for Disney. You didn’t really think that Disney was too far away from this cultural destruction, did you?

So, here’s DNA’s message to Sweden: No, DNA doesn’t seek Amy. Amy can go fuck herself. If slickly-produced subversive pop designed to encourage boys and girls to fuck is their export, DNA encourages the U.S. to trade something back of equivalent value, like syphilis and teen pregnancy.

Just What DNA Needed....

2009-05-23T22:28:00.002-05:00

A little break. DNA finished school this semester, got straight "A's" and has been able to take it easy for a couple of weeks. DNA really needed to recharge the batteries.

So, what is next for the intrepid Vibrator? Well, if you didn't know, the Hangar 9, one of DNA's favorite places to play, collapsed under the weight of ice and snow during the ice storm earlier this year. DNA has been hard at work composing a song about the Hangar. One of the lines of the chorus: "I mis-spent my youth at the Hangar 9. I don't remember most of it, but I'm told I had a wonderful time." DNA is working on getting a potential song list ready for recording. There are many songs that DNA had worked up but didn't make the last record. Some of them will see the light of day. DNA will also do a couple of covers, and as always, a Christmas song. Any suggestions?

There are also some really old really obscure (read: even the other guys in the band wouldn't remember them) Coolies' songs that DNA will resurrect, such as Red Light, Green Light, The Cartwrights, This Song Was Written For My Friend, Jim, 6 or 7, and Voice Of Democracy. That's just a few of the old turds DNA is considering polishing. There are also the new songs he has started, and the last of the original DNA material that still needs recording.

DNA is going to work on transferring old cassette material of the Coolies and old DNA Vibrators song ideas into a digital format this summer. As he uncovers any interesting tidbits, he will display them here for you.

DNA has completed approximately 50 pages of material for the top secret project that involves a printing press.

If you didn't know, a hurricane-sized storm ripped through Carbondale a couple of weeks back, while DNA was at work. It was pretty wild, watching trees get uprooted, and roofs ripped of buildings. It was the strongest wind he had even seen. They say the winds peaked between 100 and 150 miles per hour. That's a shitload of wind. DNA was without power at work for about a week, which is another reason why posts have been few and far between.

It has been awhile since DNA has talked a little about the music scene in the Dale. When DNA gets a minute, he might tell you about the infamous Bydatrax Studio of Mike Sharp.

Little Shop of Pictures....

2009-05-07T22:31:00.003-05:00

Well, since the last post, we did the final show of the trifecta of Little Shop Of Horrors. DNA took some pictures to introduce you to Dave, Jason, and Shane. We had a pretty frankensteinish set up, but it worked well.

Here are some pictures from right before the show:

The little guy is not the drummer, he's the drummer's son.

DNA finished his Special Ed Law class, and his Philosophy of Education class. This means that DNA will get back to the real reasons for living real soon: booze and ass! Naw, not anymore, not really. Now it's writing and recording. DNA is going to be doing both in spades in short order.

Since last month, DNA has been working on a super special top secret project. It will involve a printing press. As it develops, DNA will tell you more. Until then, you'll have to ruminate amongst yourselves.

On The Anniversary Of My Mom's Death....

2009-04-29T11:18:00.006-05:00

When I write about my folks, I drop the whole DNA persona. I wasn't DNA to them, ever.

My Mom died a few years back on April 28th. I honestly couldn't tell you the year right now, though it hasn't been long. Two, maybe three years? It's hard to tell. I still feel her present, so it doesn't feel very different for me unless I want to pick up the phone and give her a call (this hasn't happened to me in while, however).

For those of you who knew my Mom, you know I'm not being prone to hyperbole when I say she was probably the smartest person I have ever known, and I surround myself with pretty smart people. She had a mischievous gleam in her eyes, even in her old age. Her weapons and her anodynes were her words and her intellect. She was deeply religious, and deeply caring. I think she passed some of these traits on to me, and more of them onto my siblings.

For those of you who didn't know her, I hope now you do a little.

I usually tell a story about her at this time of year. Here's one: Imagine how cool this Mom had to be, when her 17-year old son, who had applied to West Point (and met entrance requirements), University of Illinois' Aeronautical Engineering Program (and met requirements) Millikin University (and been offered a full scholarship for vocal), and SIU (offered a full ride scholarship and been accepted into their Engineering Program) told her that he doesn't really know if he is cut out for college.

She asks him, "Well, what do you really want to do? What do you love?"

"Well, Mom," he says, "I love music, and I want to play music in a band."

There was no screaming match, no "You're going to college no matter what, young man!" Instead, she says, "If that's what you really want to do, then you should do it. But," she adds, "you need to know what it is like to be a working musician." Then she spends the next several hours talking about options and choices, and ends by saying, "Whatever you decide, I will support you."

Yes, I'm talking about my Mom and me, and yes, you don't have to imagine, she was cool. I decided that I should go to college, but music never left my life.

Although I don't think Mom liked the genre of music I played, I think she appreciated the musicianship that was displayed. She supported my artistic endeavors, especially when the message of my music was different philosophically than what she believed. I did write one song before she died that I know she liked. It's called Remember, a song I wrote as lullaby for my yet unborn son, Carl. When Mom heard it, she smiled and said that I was finally getting it.

I present it to you at this link: Remember

Did you listen? Are you all sad now? Don't you think I sounded a little like Kermit the Frog? I'll leave you with a song I wrote for Mom after she died, which summed up my feelings at that time.

It's called One More Time.

That's the best I can do for her (for now).

Little Shop of Kicking ASS!

2009-04-25T22:46:00.002-05:00

You recall that DNA is playing in the pit band for Little Shop Of Horrors, right. Of course. You have been waiting breathlessly for an update.

DNA has played two shows of the trifecta so far, and in spite of limited practice time, the pit band for the Little Shop Of Horrors production being put on by the local high school has performed admirably well. The kids in the play are terrific. Imagine you are sixteen years old, with way more interesting things to do than when you were actually sixteen years old, and you were in a play with 200 pages of music....a play which includes about 150 pages of dialogue, and takes about two hours to complete. That's a tall order to ask a teenager to take, and yet, they have done it well two nights in a row.

After the first show, DNA swapped CDs with Shane, our guitarist, who is in a straight up rock and roll band called Junkvine. Shane is good, you know, the way Eric Johnson is good. He's okay, the way Joe Satriani is okay. He is passable as a guitarist, the way Alex Lifeson is passable as a guitarist. In other words, he is technically masterful, and intuitively very, very, damned good. Jason is an excellent drummer, who has been running sound WHILE he has been playing the show, which is unbelievably difficult, and he's doing it with ease; and Dave, keyboardist, has been directing the music, cueing the kids onstage, cueing us, and playing the keys, his second instrument, (he prefers the sax) like he was born to it. And DNA? Grooving along the bottom of the musical river, digging every minute of it.

DNA is a self-serving bastard, like we all know, and he has enjoyed himself so much that he hopes to get these guys together again and play a show or two. DNA can not wait to see if a gig could be put together with these guys AND the Hand of God Attachment at the same time. Perhaps the event would produce a total eclipse of the sun, or some other more catastrophic concatenation of circumstance. DNA isn't trying to cut Mr. Kamikaze, AMiCO, or Carlito out of the picture, he just knows the likelihood of getting them all together at the same time is low. When you keep going back to the well, and the well is dry, sometimes it's time to dig a new well.

Dominating Another Forum

2009-04-22T14:42:00.002-05:00

Yes, DNA has recently joined the Facebook community. Next: DNA on the side of waffle boxes and underwear. But really, who hasn't seen DNA on underwear already?

They Can't Get Enough Of Me....

2009-04-15T19:53:00.004-05:00

The Nightlife did a bang up job on the review of DNA's latest rock opera. DNA was recognized on the street in Carbondale by some random guy who said, "Aren't you the fat bald dude from the paper?" To which, DNA replied, "No, you have me confused with your mother."

Last week, DNA was asked by his son's music teacher to play in the pit band for the local high school's production of "Little Shop Of Horrors." DNA said, "Yes." DNA is a music whore, really. Deprive the world of some DNA juiciness? Unthinkable. They should have called the musical "Little Shop in the key of Fucking B Flat," and it would have more accurately captured the "horror" that an old rock and roll fart like DNA is experiencing right now.

Really, it has been a blast practicing some different stuff, but it has reminded DNA why he started playing rock and roll to begin with: the shit's a lot easier than playing show tunes in a concert key. We'll be doing three shows, 15 to 16 numbers, and less than a full week to practice. This is the level of stress and impossible deadline which will really bring out DNA's best. It doesn't hurt that the other guys DNA is playing with are actually really talented musicians, unlike the epileptic dog fuckers DNA normally has to slum around with :D

A Nice Review For FOTGDITES

2009-04-03T21:52:00.003-05:00

The wonderful folks over at the Carbondale Nightlife published a review and announcement for DNA's new baby, From Obscurity To Global Domination In Three Easy Steps and DNA didn't even have to pay anybody, or wear kneepads like he did the last time! Thanks, Nightlife staff! Especially the little people, no really, the little-people, like Rosie Gordon. DNa hopes she likes her song, and was honored to try to write a little ray of sunshine.

It's hard to read this suck ass scan DNA did, but it goes something like this: Hey everybody, this fucker is still pretty good, even though he's been around an awful long time. How many records did he release last year, seven? What the fuck, doesn't he have a real job or a family? At least he doesn't take himself too seriously. Go to his website! They say some other really nice stuff, too, but DNA will make a better scan so you can read it yourself.

Did you know that if you apply the Bible code to the liner notes of the album, by skipping equidistant letters in repeating sequence, that the words chili-whip, dirty sanchez, and Cleveland Steamer all cross each other in the same matrix that includes an anagram for either Satan or maybe Santa, God, or maybe dog, and hell or possibly hello. And if you knew that, how did you know, because DNA just made it up? The chance of you knowing exactly what DNA was lying about before he made it up are so astronomical as to be, well, astronomical. That's like greater than the chance that life spontaneously erupted on this planet a few billion years ago....oh wait, that happened, so the chance of it happening was actually exactly 100%. The chance of you already knowing DNA's lie before he said it is a lot lower than 100%, it's more like the percentage chance that an intelligent designer is hard at work on life even as we speak. If the truth of intelligent design is so undeniable to some folks, he challenges any of them to explain why almost every species that has ever lived is now extinct? Surely an intelligent design would be correct from the beginning, instead of expressing itself across generations and species over time that appear to change over time in response to their environments.....ah, there's a more precise way to say that, a selection that is more natural than the word choices DNA has made....but DNA digresses. What he meant to say was the review was good, and there are no hidden messages in the liner notes. Really.

The Neil Young Sexuality Bathroom Forum

2009-04-01T10:21:00.017-05:00

An interesting cultural phenomena has taken place in DNA's place of work over the last few weeks. In the bathroom of the office of the building in which DNA works, a debate about the virility, sexuality, and competence of Neil Young has scrawled itself across the wall of the stall on the far end of the facility. This kind of community forum almost always degenerates into something crude, and this was no exception, but it did lead DNA to think about the proper use of a derogatory term, if there is one.

First, in an unsteady hand, in large letters with a fine lined pen, the opening salvo in the debate shot across the wall: Neil Young is a PUSSY! A few days later, in a tighter hand, at seated eye level, came the cavalry: NEIL YOUNG RULES!

For a few days, things settled down. However, one morning, right underneath the exhortation of Young, came this addendum: IN THE GAY WORLD!

Then, as a new avenue of debate was opened, several responses in quick succession appeared on the wall:

Neil Young sucked my dick! He liked it!

He gives good head.

Neil Young loves my cock. I am bi, he's a fag!

My favorite Neil Young gay pride song is "After The Pearl Rush"

So, it appears at least on the wall, that Neil Young did not fare well in the real world, but is a hero in the gay world. DNA didn't realize that there was a gay world, which had a ruler, Neil Young, and wondered, what life is like in the gay world ruled by Neil Young. Is it like Bizarro World, in Superman comics, and exists separately from our own world, in another universe, or does it exist right here, under our noses, indistinguishable from the "regular" world? If DNA had to compare Neil Young rocking in the free world to Neil Young ruling in the gay world, knowing how kick ass Neil rocks in the free world, then DNA has to say that if Neil Young were ruling in the gay world, then that's where DNA would like to live. Perhaps DNA already lives in the gay world. Perhaps the free world and the gay world are the same thing. What is the opposite of the gay world? The straight world? Which one would be freer, do you think, to have and express your own ideas?

The reason DNA thinks we all already live in the gay world has to do with the corollaries to the bathroom forum statements above. For example, one commenter wrote, "Neil Young sucked my dick! He liked it1" The first question DNA would have for this commenter would be if you think Neil Young rules the gay world, and you yourself feel that ruling in the gay world is a bad thing, then why would you let Neil Young suck your dick? Wouldn't that by definition make you party to Neil Young's Gay World Order? Unless, you were somehow the passive object of Neil's activity, or somehow unable to resist the advances of a 65 year old man? Maybe you were sleeping when he crept into your room, or maybe you were really drunk and didn't realize he was a dude. Or perhaps, you are a fuckhead moron.

Of course, what we really have here is not a forum on Neil Young's sexuality, it is a forum on his music, and more importantly, on the philosophy his music represents. So, when someone says Neil Young is gay, he is trying to say that Neil Young is an enemy to their way of life and their way of thinking. Unfortunately, characterizing this opposition as gay is a use of the word gay which should be done away with, because it really does purposely inflict harm on an otherwise unrelated demographic. If we were to follow this logic to its natural conclusion, here, we can imagine that there are probably many gay people who do not like Neil Young's music, and hence, would find him gay. Gay times gay equals straight. How can Neil be gay and straight at the same time? Using this term is too imprecise. As much as DNA is against the thought police, we really do have to get away from using this term as a way to describe something we don't like. DNA suggests using the word "retarded" instead, or maybe "black," "muslim," or "female."

Smile. DNA is poking fun at all of us, like the cheeky way you poke a bear with a stick as he is rooting through your trash in Yellowstone Park. Instead of any of those words to describe our displeasure, perhaps we can simply say we don't like something when we don't like something, or use some other colorful language that doesn't involve the degradation of a group of people. But, DNA, you say, that's really hard to do, and requires some intelligence to be aware of others to whom you are referring. Yes, that is true. Do you have to watch every word you say? Well, yes. Say what you mean. Don't hide behind cheap language.

On the other hand, how will we ever be free of the arbitrary constraints of language unless we purposely break those boundaries? Fuck, that's a conundrum. Maybe gay people could say he was "gay" meaning "not liking him" and also accept the contradiction of the gay squared equation, but the rest of us straight assholes better lay the fuck off for awhile. That seems to follow the convention that the maligned group can use the derogatory word but others do not have that right. Or, like DNA, if we respect everyone equally, then we can call anybody anything we want at anytime, because you know DNA loves you all.