January, 2007

January 2007 means that the first major milestone, passing from one year to the next, has occurred for this website. Thankfully, no one cared. This is exactly the way DNA wants it. It has you over the barrel, saddled with life, and knows that any day now you will be influenced in the smallest of ways. What did you just hum? Was it God Made Us Funky? It wasn't? Oh, sorry. That was DNA. As always, please take a moment to read the archived months missives. Hit the links at the top of the page. As the DNA Vibrator has indicated before, this blog page removes what others may consider certain expected blog features, but removing those extraneous bits makes the blog more conducive to reading through from start to end, like a book. It is stripped down to the essentials. The DNA Vibrator may provide links to other sites or information it references ONLY if it suits the purpose of The DNA Vibrator.

September archive quote: "611 Pizza was like the bar, Cheers, except with a lot more tattoos, leather, black make-up, puking, pot smoking, and hardcore music."

October archive quote: "Because so many of you have come unbidden to look at The DNA Vibrator, The DNA Vibrator has come to realize that some of you may need The DNA Vibrator, the way punk needs bitch."

November archive quote: "Tips For The Traveling Band. TIP #8: Don't finance your other band member's equipment with a high interest rate charge card, no matter how fucking much you love each other."

December archive quote: "At this exact moment, each of us in Crank, and Scott Munson, all by nature nonviolent, as DNA has said before, were face to face with a cunt whose philosophy of life was in direct conflict with ours. In that moment, being reasonable people, living in our safe worlds, none of us acted. We suffered from the curse of too much college education: we analyzed."

Permanent Historical Record: 1/1/07

Sorry About Last Year.

Permanent Historical Record: 1/2/07

As Fiona Apple Says, "A Cunning Way To Condescend."

Fiona uses the phrase to refer to two people who loved each other becoming "just friends." However, the DNA Vibrator thinks the phrase applies equally well to the use of page counters on websites. These little pissing contest measurers have somehow become your validation on checking out a website. "Hey, look. This page has had over 72,000 visitors. It must be good." Or, maybe it's recycled crap that pushes all the right search engine buttons; maybe it's featured on some search engines because the authors/corporations of the webpage have paid for it to have priority. The opposite is true, too. "16 hits? Okay, that accounts for the dick who wrote the blog and no one else." How does DNA know this? Cuz that's about how many times the tool has to look at this blog just to correct the spelling.

So, DNA has taken to resetting all of the counters for these webpages regularly. On one day, it will appear that 489,325 visitors have viewed this page, and then another day, it will be 7. DNA is running a little experiment. It is convinced that the higher the number on the counter, the more hits will occur in the same time period. Of course, now that you know about the experiment, the only way the results will remain valid is if you promise real hard not to let the knowledge that you are participating in the DNA Vibrator's experiments every day skew your perceptions. Of course, DNA knows you can't promise that, but it has already compensated for this. Psychologists around the world have coined the term "the DNA Effect" (they just didn't know that this term originated from the DNA Vibrator) when referring to compensated-for bias in experimental design. The world is the DNA Vibrator's petri dish! Again, this is a measure of how how subtle and complete the DNA Vibrator's mastery of the planet is. How many hits has DNA really had? 6 billion and counting, baby.

Permanent Historical Record: 1/7/07

Tips For The Travelling Band: The List So Far, and a little something DNA has on Ebay....

Collected here are all previous tips, plus some new ones, a big one, that DNA learned the hard way. But, before we do that, if you are interested in buying a bass guitar, please check out this Ebay auction. [Editor's note: the link is no longer active. So instead of an ebay link, DNA is directing you to a picture of the bass you wish you had bid on] You missed it.

TIPS FOR THE TRAVELING BAND

TIP #1: Always bring a soldering kit with you. Know how to use it. On a gig to Ted's Wharehouse, many years ago, The DNA Vibrator realized that the problem with its bass was not replacing a battery, but a short in one of the wires coming from the pick-ups. If we didn't have the tools, we would not have a had a show. At the same show, we had to solder the connecting wires back onto one of the speaker jacks in one of the guitar cabinets, too. In order to be able to comfortably use the soldering iron, you should get real comfortable with your instrument and equipment. Not only should you know how to play, you should know how your instrument and your equipment works. Getting personal with your equipment will make you a better player.

TIP #2: Pack a traveling pharmacy. Include pepto, immodium, execedrin, benadryl, sore throat lozenges, band aids, anti bacterial stuff, and a roll of toilet paper. Clearly life on the road is not always agreeable to one's stomach. And if you ever have had to use a bar or club toilet after standing in line 4 deep while the current patron is having explosive diarrhea and vomiting, then you know it is better to plan ahead than have to attempt to shit while standing on your tiptoes straddling a filthy backed up toilet, praying that no bit of you touches a bit of it, all while the bathroom stall door flaps open for no reason.

TIP #3: Always keep at least one guitar on stage that you can swing as a weapon if you need to. At one show, The DNA Vibrator swung his Ibanez SDGR bass (didn't have it for long, a little too cheesy for its own good) to clear out a group of belligerant bastards who had a little too much to drink, and were being a little too threatening to the band. This is a too common occurrence, when Joe Wish-he-had-the-balls-or-talent-to-put-together-his-own-band somehow feels that you owe him the opportunity to let him come up on stage and try to sing his music, which in reality is a retarded, drunken chorus of "Louie, Louie." So, of course, you say, "Get the fuck off my stage. You wanna sing, get your own fucking band," as nicely as possible while screaming at the dumbfuck. Somehow, dumbfucks always take this the wrong way. For whatever reason, dumbfucks also tend to think that if you are in a band, you are probably a pussy, and feel the need to flex their beer muscles in front of the redneck brigade which drove their trucks in with dumbfuck. Which leads to previously stated situation, which leads to bass being swung like a sledgehammer. After swinging it, and having dumbfuck come within about an inch of the hospital, everybody's jets cooled down a bit. The bar owner cleared the redneck brigade out of the bar. Then, as as the ruckus finally settled down, and we were ready to play again, The DNA Vibrator set the bass in its stand for a moment, and it fell off the stage, face first. It bounced when it hit the ground. The bass was so solid, it didn't even go out of tune. That's a multi-purpose instrument of sonic destruction for you. Probably should have kept it.

TIP #4: Buy an inline tuner for each of your guitar and bass players. Buy an extra. Don't care if your guitarist is a prima donna perfect pitch prick, when stage volume is brutal, monitors suck, and half the guys in the band are drunk, it's not worth the aggravation of attempting to tune your guitar by ear.

TIP #5: Spend whatever money you need to have a cheap guitar on hand as a spare. Nothing kills a show quicker than when a guitar goes down and it takes 20 minutes to fix it. $100.00 will get you what you need. That's about one show's take if you are beginning and in a little club. Do yourselves a favor, don't spend that gig money on a 2 am feast at Denny's (those come later). Go out the next day and get yourselves a spare guitar.

TIP #6: Book shows at clubs which serve food. Almost always, they will comp you some food as part of your gig.

TIP #7: Your band may actually inspire some people. They will want to be part of your experience. Let them. Let them sell your t-shirts, stickers, and CD's. Let them book shows for you, and let them load your equipment in and out of clubs. In return, let them be seen "with the band." Comp them tickets, or get them on the guest list. Give them t-shirts and CD's to wear and listen to. In Crank, we were lucky enough to have a person who really liked what we did who worked hard on our behalf just for the experience. Carolyn booked shows for us, settled up with club owners after gigs, helped load equipment, and sold stuff for us. She often would travel with us and put up with four stinky, crude, and loud guys, all cramped in our van. When we could, we paid her. In the end, she used her experience with Crank to help her become one of the booking agents for First Avenue in Minneapolis, one of the most famous clubs in the midwest, Prince's stomping ground.

TIP #8: Don't finance your other band member's equipment with a high interest rate charge card, no matter how fucking much you love each other. AfroDJYak had a new credit card, (back in 1990) and it was Christmas for The DNA Vibrator and Gone Brian Vaughan in, well, December. We found a sufficiently cool music store on the north side of Chicago, and began window shopping. When we went in, we hadn�t actually formulated a plan, but in about 10 minutes, and to this day, The DNA Vibrator is not sure who suggested it, but AfroDJYak was more than willing to fork over his credit card to buy new equipment. The DNA Vibrator purchased a GK head and Trace Elliot cabinet. Nice stuff. Gone purchased a Mesa Boogie 50 Caliber. Nicer stuff. It has been so long, The DNA Vibrator doesn�t remember what else was bought, but we certainly came close to AfroDJYak�s limit. We spent the next year paying the card off in installments. It was some of the best money we spent. More important than any gear, however, was the trust we had in each other. How many of your friends would drop $2000.00 on their credit card for your stuff? We never betrayed that trust. Of all the bands The DNA Vibrator has been in, the nucleus of the Coolies best embodied why people get together and form a band. We formed a brotherhood, which still manifests itself when we get together, to the aggravation of our wives.

However, we were lucky, not smart, that that little shenanigan didn't make us the bitterest of enemies. Don't go into debt for a band member. Musicians are notoriously unreliable: use your gig money to help each band member buy new stuff.

Tip #9: When you go into the studio to record, LOCK THE DOOR behind you! It is your time, which you paid a lot for. Nobody else needs to be interrupting you. Tell your engineer to take the phone off the hook. You are paying for EVERY MINUTE of his time, and that is no bullshit. Until you actually record in a studio, you have no idea how quickly your time and money ebbs away. Read the December archive and look for the entries titled "busted Lips and Hospital trips..." if you want a taste of what an uninvited visitor can do to your recording session.

TIP # 10: Be nice to your sound man out live. When DNA first started in bands, like most musicians, DNA didn't really know what it was supposed to get, or supposed to do about live sound. It always seemed like the house sound people got paid more than you (at first, they do), had the same lackadaisacal attitude towards you and your band as they did towards every band that they did sound for(most do), and weren't particularly interested in making you sound good, as much as they were into fucking around with the latest effects unit they put in their rack, and getting their "share" of free drinks (pretty much, is how it is). However, if you suffer through a few nights of sub par sound, and get to know your sound man, particularly if you work several of the clubs this guy or company works, pretty soon, you can cultivate a relationship with the sound guy. The sound guy holds your performance in his hands, and will make the difference in your opus sounding like static on an A.M. radio or sounding like Thor, god of thunder.

So, just-beginning musician, following some basic rules out live will help you sound like you did in the studio. First,

TIP #11: when you get in the club, find your sound people and remember their names.

TIP #12: Be professional.

TIP #13: Load your shit in when they need it in, not after your guitar player makes it back, cuz he had to meet this guy at this one place to buy some stuff, y'know? Say, "No, I don't fucking know. Load yer shit in, and do your sound check before you have to disappear."

TIP #14: Insist each person in the band pulls their own weight. Hey, the bassist didn't have to buy the dual 4 X 10 cabs which each weigh 120 pounds. The drummer didn't have to bring his 60 inch gong, but he did. This isn't to say you can't help, however. There is nothing worse than having one band member up at the bar knocking back a beer while the rest are still loading shit in.

TIP #15: Even though rock and roll is an idiom best served very fucking loud, when you turn your Marshall full stack up to 8, do not expect that your vocals will sound good. Bluntly, that is fucking stupid, for lots of reasons. Reason 1: Your little bitch of a guitar only puts out a certain range of frequencies, and frankly, they don't take a hell of a lot of power to push out at high sound pressure. So, when you turn your Marshall up to 8, even though it is only a 100 watt stack, the bassist is having to clip out his 1600 watt bass cab just to lag behind your sound pressure. Reason 2: The monitors you will have on stage are not powered by a very powerful amplifier (compared to the mains, for example). The sound coming out of the monitor will perhaps be the only way you will hear what your own vocals will sound like. The monitor can not compete with a Marshall stack. You will get feedback like crazy as the sound guiy tries to get you a monitor mix which you can hear, even a little. Reason 3: Your hearing! Which you won't have in five years, even with ear protection. At high db's, those high frequency notes put out by the guitar will cause permanent damage to your hearing. What? I said, your hearing! Okay, the joke doesn't work on paper. Yeah, fuck you, too. Reason 4: When you and your band mates are on stage, you might acutally want to talk to each other, or talk to the sound man to adjust your shit on the fly, which is awfully hard to do if the sound pressure is so great that you can't even hear your own brain aneurisms burst while the guitarist drags his pick lightly across his strings and shakes the windows at the back of the club. Many more reaons abound, but DNA is through ranting. Keep your stage volume at a reasonable level. Even reasonable will be really loud.

TIP #16: Don't depend on the sound guy to just "know" what you want. You have to talk to him, buy him flowers, tell him he is pretty. More importantly, communicate to him what you want. Write down your set list, and give it to him. Tell him in advance of any special things you plan to do that show. Perhaps you want to run certain prerecorded loops in between certain songs. Easily done, but not if the sound guy doesn't know what and when.

TIP #17: Treat the sound guy like the "n"th member of your band, because he is. He is the one that makes or breaks your performance. DNA has always liked the Gary Larson cartoon in which the sound guy's hand is hovering above the "suck" knob on the mixing board. If you treat the sound guy with the respect he deserves, then the sound guy will respond. Every guy likes to be stroked, and though DNA doesn't recommend literaly stroking the sound guy, metaphorically, its your ticket to a kick ass show.

Next time, how DNA learned all these little lessons...

Permanent Historical Record: 1/15/07

The Beginning of a Beautiful Friendship

In the last post, DNA said that it would explain how it learned some of the life lessons of being in a band, particularly the ones about how to treat your sound man. The time was 1989. The DNA Vibrator was in the Nightsoil Coolies. We had just started playing clubs like the Hangar 9 in Carbondale regularly. This meant that we were now introduced to the journeymen and pros who had been doing sound in Carbondale long before the Coolies were there and likely long after we would be gone. Looking back, we were no more or less "professional" than they were, but the onus to be professional was on them, frankly, because for the sound companies, this gig WAS their profession, while for most bands, this gig was at best an experiment in how bad you could suck and still make a few dollars at the door.

So, no one expected bands to be professional---they are full of musicians, for Christ's sake! Sure, during the show, at that time, bands have more grandiose dreams, but in reality, clubs like the Hangar are just part of the lumps you have to take at the rock and roll school of hard knocks. Don't get DNA wrong---DNA loves the Hangar: Sally, Richard, the whole crew. They certainly gave many local bands an opportunity to play. But, the Hangar is not the place where the next great band will be discovered; it may be the place where the next great band gets to make enough money to survive to the next show, and to hone their craft in a relatively safe environment. So, the bands were full of punk kids being punk kids, and unfortunately, too often, the sound companies also employed punk kids to do sound for them (DNA should know---DNA moonlighted with Robco Audio for a couple of years).

The point is, bands weren't invested in the sound companies, and sound companies weren't invested in the bands. DNA knows this situation is not unique to Carbondale: it's true in New York, Chicago, Los Angeles, Davenport, anywhere you have a local club at which bands play. It was the same old thing, show after show. As a band, you would be up at the club you were going to play at, and do a sound check. Invariably, the kick drum was all clicky on the top end as the gate closed on the signal, and all fat and definitionless on the bottom as the sound guy pumped full power to the crown amplifier which powered the subs. The guitars sounded like buzzsaws---all distortion and no tone. God forbid that a bass guitar would be miked from the cabinet, or that the bassist might actually be treated as a part of the band, and not an afterthought, as if the second best guitarist in the line up was forced to play it. As a bassist, DNA always questioned why the fuck it spent thousands of dollars on great equipment only to have the sound guy hook a direct box in line to its bass. Not to get too technical for you non-music gear heads, but basically, a direct box takes the signal from the guitar, "dumbs it down" for the mixing board to manipulate, and allows the sound guy to use the mixing board to control the level and sound quality of the instrument. When you have a bass and bass rig like DNA had, this had the effect of taking a great bass sound and making it sound like every other bass in a live club---indistinct, or tinny, depending on who you got on the soundboard.

After you got the same lame mix, you would step down from the stage for awhile, negotiate your drinks, and maybe say a couple of words in passing to the sound guy. To the sound guy's credit, what he did at the club worked in its fashion, and it is never easy running live sound, even on the best of days. Rarely would a band have actually listened to the sound guy's first word of advice to them if he had the chance to say it anyway---to bring the stage volume down. This implied giving up control over your sound, and that is very hard to do. Particularly when you don't have faith that the sound guy is on your side.

The basic communication just didn't happen. Usually. On this particular night, after a particularly decent first set, the band had really started to loosen up. So was the sound guy. So much so, that he was interested in experimenting with some of the vocal effects. After the second or third time some unexpected effect was placed on the vocals, or a different sounding gated reverb was placed on the snare drum, DNA had enough. Once the song we were playing was finished, and there actually was some applause, DNA stared through the haze of cigarette smoke, made eye contact with the sound guy, and with force, said, "STOP FUCKING WITH THE EFFECTS. THANK YOU." DNA couldn't have said it with more venom or contempt. Still, it was only a small rebuke. Doesn't sound so bad, right? Wrong. DNA just picked a prime time moment to call out this guy who in all likelihood thought he was helping the sound song cooler---which his work very well may have. DNA took its private aggravation and made it public, and embarrassed this guy in front of patrons, but also in front of his peers and the club owners. (As DNA said before, guys in bands can get a little too righteous about the "importance" of their music, or their gig, etc., and sound guys can get a little uninvolved in what is actually happening right then for that band to know or care what the band is going for artistically. Instead of talking to each other, both sides tend to let each other do their own thing.) What ended up happening is that for the next two years, a sound guy who did really great work, who really did "get" it, and who really was trying his best to make the bands sound good, thought we (meaning every band DNA was in---but particularly, the DNA Vibrator itself) hated his guts, thought he was stupid, and called him names on the playground. It was only after a battle of the bands show in which this guy was doing sound did we have a chance to talk to each other before and after the shows. The sound guy told DNA after one set that he was surprised that he heard we asked for him. To which DNA responded, "Why?" and then the sound guy recounted the tale above. At that time, DNA had all but forgotten that encounter, but was quick to make amends, told the sound guy that everybody knew that DNA was a thoughtless dick, and that DNA didn't mean anything by its comments, and that DNA was sorry it handled the event two years back in such a childish and unprofessional way.

From there on, our live shows were not to be missed. The sound was great, our performances were usually right on, and instead of being two distinct parts of the puzzle, we worked with our sound guys like they were in the band. We talked to them, we understood the limits of their machinery, they understood the limits of our talent! We purposely sought this sound guy out, because from that moment on, we had a personal stake in each other's success, and we understood that. That sound guy was Scott Munson, our pal, the guy who got his ribs kicked in on our behalf, and one of the best people I know. Read December's archive if you want to know some more about Scott.

TIP #18: Don't call out your sound guy in the middle of a live show. You might hurt his feelings. He might wreck your show.

TIP #19: Always remember to tell patrons to tip the bartenders and waitresses. It might get you that extra drink for free later on.

TIP #20: If you can get a live recording off the board, (for most live sound set ups, this is easy to do), spend the few bucks it takes to do it, or spend a couple hundred of your own money, and buy a nice Edirol or Morantz stereo high quality digital recorder. You can hook that right up to the board or use their built in microphones to record the show as it sounds, and then dump it in CD quality audio files to a computer.

TIP #21: Make sure you get a receipt from the club owner for the money you were paid for the show. You will likely be paid in cash. It's easy not to document this transaction. In fact, when you start out, it seems inconsequential to keep track of it. But if you make more than $600.00 at that club in one year, you will need to claim this money on your taxes. You will be considered an independent contractor by the club, and more importantly, by the IRS. Getting a receipt means that the club can't cook their books in their favor (meaning that they claimed to make less because they had to pay you more than they actually did) and stick you with an unfair tax burden.

Permanent Historical Record: 1/19/07

Ebay Works in spite of itself...

DNA has been a long time user of ebay. Recently, DNA was able to sell a 5 string bass of its, which had been left in the musical cold by DNA some time ago. It was a nice bass, it had been a road worthy bass, and it had been a dependable back up for many years, but lately, when the DNA Vibrator needed to play, it picked up its custom made, Alembic-filled bass-y creampuff. The 5 string just sat in the corner, ready and wiling to work, but never called to. Kind of forlorn. Grey, sad, and lonely. Imagine how depressed it looked. So, DNA decided to see if it could sell the bass, perhaps to someone who would have a purpose for it. DNA put it up on ebay.

Within a couple of days, there were several watchers of the item, and then there was an email phisher who tried to get DNA to release its personal email information. Oh, by the way, email phisher, suck DNA's balls. DNA turned you in to ebay. Next, there was a guy who asked DNA to violate ebay policies and sell the bass to him off of the auction site, who followed his request for breaking the rules by wishing DNA christian blessings. By the way, fake christian guy, suck DNA's balls. DNA reported you to ebay. Then, there was a guy asking DNA to please contact him after the auction if the bass didn't sell, and maybe tell him when DNA would relist it with a lower Buy It Now price, because he really wanted to buy it but he didn't have the money right then. By the way, deadbeat, suck DNA's balls. DNA reported you to ebay.

DNA asks anyone who is reading, "What the fuck?" If this is the shit that people who are legitimately selling stuff on ebay has to put up with, why does anyone sell their shit on ebay? Even though DNA reported each one of them to ebay's customer services, it doesn't really think that made a difference.

As the auction was coming to an end, there were a few interested real bidders, and it was won by XXXX. DNA was pleased to find another ebayer who actually had some sense, used ebay the way it was designed, and communicated effectively back and forth. It turns out that XXXX is a guitar player/collector, seems to be a good guy, a smart one, and purchased the bass as a starter for his daughter. DNA's faith in the universe has been restored a little, because purely random events led to DNA selling the bass to exactly the kind of person to whom DNA wanted to sell the bass. Thank you, universe, for working every once in awhile. Thanks too, to ebay, but a great big collective fuck you to the butt monkeys who try to rip people off who use ebay.

Permanent Historical Record: 1/22/07

Another Day In The Studio....

DNA knows, that sounds like a pretty tough fucking life, "Oh, DNA nearly broke a sweat recording that bassline. It needs a tissue." Yesterday, DNA was able to get the Hand of God Attachment to make another stop in the studio, and finished the solo tracks on two songs, two covers, in fact, Folsom Prison and Ghost Riders in the Sky. No, DNA is not secretly the cowboy from the Village People, and no, it is not queer for Gene Autry or John Wayne. Maybe a little for Johnny Cash, who, wrote the first song and among many, many others, recorded both of them.

DNA bought a new guitar, which will be featured on some of the recording. It's a Michael Kelly sumburst. DNA suggests going and buying one now, because the company, Michael Kelly Guitars has apparently discontinued them, and they are selling for closeout prices. Soon, they will be gone. This guitar is sweet, especially for the money.

DNA's plan for the recording is to do some local press releases in late January, hope to entice the regional entertainment rag to do a story on the website, and then release the CD locally and online in February. DNA hopes to have 30 second snippets of each song available for listening by the end of this month. Eventually, DNA will sell the CD using paypal on this site, or will distribute it through CD baby!, and/or iTunes. If no one cares or buys, it doesn't really matter. DNA has never made music for anyone but itself. Selfish little bitch.

Permanent Historical Record: 1/23/07

More Tips For The Traveling Band....

Tip #22: Practice, practice, practice. Do not let your live show become your third practice that week. Practice the details. Practice your tempo, song spacing, emotional and dynamic range. Practice trading off who gets the spotlight when. Practice.

TIP #23: Record your practices, so that later, as you drive home, as you go to work/school, you can listen to what worked and what didn't work. Also, archive this shit. An idea that dies in one practice can be resurrected days, months, or even years later. DNA is doing that right now on its new album.

TIP #24: Even if it is "your" band, and the other guys are players of "your" stuff, you are not Beethoven. You are not the composer who lives sealed off from the orchestra. You and the band function together. There will certainly be times that you should take credit for your compositions, but never, NEVER delude yourself into thinking that the people you play with didn't add their own unique take to "your" idea.

TIP #25: Along with that, protect your compositions. Each band member, and the band as a group, should create a publishing company. At first, it doesn't have to be more formal than stating that your composition is owned by XXX Publishing. For example, DNA publishes under Brainmilk Music Publishing. When DNA was with the Coolies, years ago, the Coolies published collectively as Labor Machine Music, Incorporated. You are stating to the world that you own the international rights to your composition.

TIP #26: Even if you are the principle songwriter or lyricist, encourage the others to also write their own music. You may be the poet, but all of us are poetic in our own ways. Maybe you think their compositions are trite or sophomoric, but how can you expect your bandmates to grow and be better composers, and also appreciate more what you do, if you don't encourage their own musical growth? Try to collaborate as much as possible.

TIP #27: Accept that your first idea about a musical phrase, line, drum beat, etc., might not be the best idea, and that you can improve what you do by listening to your band.

TIP #28: Recognize that you and your band mates have limited talent. Even if you are great, there is somebody better. DNA doesn't know who to attribute this quote to, but this paraphrase gets right to the point: "If you had wanted to play like (insert your favorite band here), you would have replaced everyone in the band, yourself included, a long time ago." So, you must recognize that collectively, your band creates a box which is defined by your creativity and your ability to play your instruments. This is not a limitation. In fact, part of the enjoyment of playing together comes from figuring out how to make the box different than the boxes that other bands have made. The best loved, most famous, most interesting songs, the ones that really "hit' what emotion the writers and players are going for, are not the most complex songs played by the best players. "Every Breath You Take" by the Police comes to mind. This is a simple song, played by a three piece with few additional tracks (a synthesizer and piano are added as the song developes). Granted, this three piece was one of the best in the world, but the song is very basic. However, have you ever heard a cover band attempt to play it? When bands try to cover it, they suck at it. DNA has never heard anyone come close to covering it well. It is deceptively simple. The song capitalizes on the unique strengths of those three players. No one plays rhythm guitar like Andy Summers, no one plays drums like Stewart Copeland, and no one sings and plays bass like Sting. Together, they produced music that was beyond their individual talents.

Let's get one thing straight. You and your band are probably not talented as the members of The Police. But, you can capitalize on your band's individual strengths to make music better than any of you can make separately. Compare the great things The Police did with the solo careers of Sting, Andy Summers, and Stewart Copeland.. "Suck" Dick," and "Hard" come to mind.

TIP #29: This is a hard one: Know what you are willing to give, from yourself, and from your bandmates, to make your band work. If you don't know ahead of time what each of you are willing to give, then you will grow to resent each other for not giving what you expected the others to give. You will feel that somehow you have given more, and that because others have given less, they have ruined "your" shot at making the band work. What is given covers integral areas like time, money, commitment, equipment, talent, freedom, independence, among many other vital commodities. You need to know ahead of time, or as soon as possible, that the guitar player won't travel on weekends, because that's the only time he has to see his son, or the drummer will not drive more than 100 miles for a gig unless there is a sizable guarantee. If you don't hash this stuff out, soon, you will start saying things to the other guitarist, or the bassist like, "You don't see ME complaining about the time I spend here on the weekend. Fuck, he knew what he was getting into when we said we wanted this band to really make it." You can only ask people to give what they are willing to give. Anything else will cause disruption, and ultimately, failure.

TIP #30: Don't make commitments you can't keep. So, you best keep a calendar, and either let someone do the booking for you (booking agent, manager) or communicate effectively amongst yourselves. Specifically, if one of you is the booking guy, the rest of you better make damn well sure you support the extra work he is doing.

TIP #31: Write what you know. This is what they tell fiction writers in beginning fiction class, but it also works for songwriters. Write what you know. So, if you are not from the streets of Compton, don't write about being from the streets of Compton. Others, who have lived that experience, will sound more authentic than you. Find the tragedy or comedy of being from the streets of Waukegan.

Permanent Historical Record: 1/26/07

The latest up to the minute groundbreaking faithrending heart stopping information about the NEW DNA record....

Okay, here is the scoop: Tomorrow, The Hand of God Attachment and The DNA Vibrator will most likely finish up the guitar solo overdubs to the recording. As of this date, all of the compulsory licenses for the cover songs have been requested, the site at CDBaby! is ready and waiting for product, permissions for the artwork on the CD are being finalized, and DNA's application as a writer and publisher in ASCAP is being considered. Hurray! It's like what should have happened 20 years ago when DNA first started releasing shit. DNA is actually happy that before now, none of its music became more than regionally popular, because before now, it had never protected itself or its intellectual property very well. Not that DNA is invested in any grand illusion. But it does believe that all of what it is doing now is a terrific dry run for what it will be doing with its ultra top secret educational project in the near future. That, baby, DNA expects to go worldwide.

And, DNA couldn't help itself, it found a bass that matched his new guitar and bought it too: A Traben Tribal Sun 4 String. Again, like the guitar, beautiful.

Permanent Historical Record: 1/27/07

God, are you there? It's me, DNA....

God was here today, or at least The Hand of God Attachment was. We finished overdubs on the album, which included re-doing a couple of vocal tracks, and putting down some nice solos. The track listing, not that it matters to you until you hear the songs, are as follows:

Hey Kids

Well

Plate Tectonic King

I Wish I would Have Listened To Him More

Folsom Prison

Hard Science

A Brief History of The DNA Vibrator

The Three Deaths of Juan Belmonte

Victim of Vicious Love

Less Than 1%

Pretty Ugly

Medicine Bag

Ghost Rider In The Sky

One More Time

Remember

So, it turns out that 15 is the magic number. 15 is actually the number at which DNA had to stop if it were going to put anything out this year. There are 15 more waiting in the wings, a Christmas album, and the top secret educational project a in line, and then other fun stuff to do after that. It is possible that The DNA Vibrators will play out live to support this shit, too. It all depends whether AfroDJYak can hook a brother up with a gig up in Chicago.

Total running time of the album: about 56 minutes. Yeah, DNA knows, an hour is a pretty long commitment, but as it has said before, it is in it for the music.

Are there any dogs on this record? Any songs that are on there cuz the artist gets them even if you don't? In other words, filler? Well...DNA hates to admit it, but yes...and no. The song Hard Science just wasn't ready for prime time, but when DNA submitted the album for distribution, it had planned on getting that song done, so one way or another, it was going on the disk. Not to get technical, but it would have cost some money to change the album, art, etc., so DNA said fuck it. Not that the song sucks---it has its moments; but, it is too simplistic in structure, and narrator/singer of the "song" is a little too trite or self-aware. It is, in a word, artificial, whereas most of DNA's stuff on this album, although still artfully constructed, hopefully does not seem artfully constructed. So, there are some sophomoric slips in the voice of the character singing and in the handling of the emotion attempted to be conveyed in the song. Still, it has its moments. As always, DNA is its own harshest critic. Who knows? It may be your favorite. There are some good lines: "I never thought my degree in Paleontology would come in quite so handily. I like your Geology." Okay, that's pretty stupid, now that DNA sees it in print. Oh well.

Another song, "Remember," will not seem to fit. It is a lullaby. "Um, is that like, your gay side coming through?" you might wonder. Yes, that's it exactly, dickbreath. "Every album has to have one of 'those' kinds of songs. Ecchhhh," you might say. Whatever, Jerry Springer. You don't know me. You got no right comin' up here and talkin' s$&%% like that. Where's Steve? DNA wants to rub Steve's bald head!

There are six autobiographical songs on this record: "Hey Kids," written to the tool's kids. "I Wish I Would Have listened to Him More," written about Dad. "A Brief History of The DNA Vibrator," written about The DNA Vibrator. "Victim of Vicious Love," written about some family members. "One More Time," written about Mom, and "Remember," written to the tool's unborn son as a present to his wife, several years ago. In this respect, "Remember" fits very well. There are two covers, and then 7 other songs which are classic DNA---weird little slices of life, or weird ways to look at things.

DNA struggled with the schizophrenic nature of the record. It thought for some time to produce a triple album, with one disk being personal stuff, one being classic DNA, and one being covers of stuff. But time was not on DNA's side for this, once certain processes started. So, DNA said fuck it, and put anything and everything on the record it had the chance to work on. Damn the theme, damn the concept album. The skill in art is knowing when to make compromises, or when compromises actually improve what you are trying to do.

No more 'splainin' to do. You will hear them soon enough if you care to. There will plenty of others out there to be critics. Just remember, DNA has beat you to the punch.