The DNA Vibrator is now two months into this project. September and October are now archived in the September 2006 and October 2006 blog archives, respectively, on this website. If you haven't yet, take a few minutes to read what got The DNA Vibrator to this pathetic point. As the DNA Vibrator has indicated before, this blog page removes what others may consider certain expected blog features, but removing those extraneous bits makes the blog more conducive to reading through from start to end, like a book. It is stripped down to the essentials. The DNA Vibrator may provide links to other sites or information it references ONLY if it suits the purpose of The DNA Vibrator.
September archive quote: "611 Pizza was like the bar, Cheers, except with a lot more tattoos, leather, black make-up, puking, pot smoking, and hardcore music."
October archive quote: "Because so many of you have come unbidden to look at The DNA Vibrator, The DNA Vibrator has come to realize that some of you may need The DNA Vibrator, the way punk needs bitch."
Permanent Historical Record: 11/01/06
Halloween has come and past. The tool's children went as a skeleton pirate, a teenage mutant ninja turtle, and a corpse bride. It was much fun. The tool lives in a small enough town that Halloween is still like a Norman Rockwell painting, except of course, for the child predators and and meth addicts. But as The DNA Vibrator reflects, they were there in the Rockwell paintings too, because the sickest of the sick, the underbelly of society, look just like the rest of us. Well, probably not the meth addicts---sunken cheeks, hollow eyes, bad teeth, fetid breath, dirty clothes, and stinking of desperation. But Norman painted his own share of perps, pervs, addicts, and whores without even realizing it, since he so accurately depicted Americana.
As much as The DNA Vibrator is convinced that our society is close to self destruction, it has to admit that the continued insistence and persistence of holidays like Halloween in spite of all of the dregs lurking as threats around every corner, bodes well for the society in general. Cultures need rituals which unify all members. The tool just spoke to a person from Taiwan who was fascinated by Halloween. In his country, there is no Halloween, but there is a "ghost month," in which encounters with the spirit world are taken very seriously. He explained to me that his people believe strongly, (and here he struggled for a moment, because the word he came up with isn't quite the right concept) that "hell" opens its gates and interacts with people more during the ghost month than at other times. He said he didn't understand how Halloween was a happy celebration. So, The DNA Vibrator took it upon itself to talk with him about the roots of some of our Halloween traditions. In doing so, The DNA Vibrator re-educated itself about the importance of some traditions. Certainly, holidays like Halloween, Christmas, Easter, and even to a certain extent, 4th of July and Thanksgiving, have lost touch with their roots as rituals. But for those willing to understand why we require our children to dress up as little ghouls and go door to door begging for candy, the holiday retains all of its mythological power.
12th Century rituals: The last, best hope for America!
Permanent Historical Record: 11/02/06
The Anatomy of an Underground Club
In Carbondale, there have been many party houses and party streets: Cherry Street and Oak Street were infamous for a long time. It has been many years since The DNA Vibrator visited those streets for a party, so it is sure that as times changed, so have the party spots. Some places on those streets were known to throw the best parties or have the best bands play. Some persisted through many tenants. One of the reasons a college student wanted to live in one of those houses was to continue the tradition of that house being known as a party destination. Such is the case with the Lost Cross house.
For at least 20 years, Lost Cross has been a destination for punks in Carbondale, a haven for underground or hardcore bands, a place in which almost every cool Carbondale band played, and hundreds of bands from across the country, big and small, have taken the stage. It has had many tenants, but has always been Lost Cross. Even now, The DNA Vibrator doesn't know the street address, but could walk there blindfolded from about any place in Carbondale. Houses which lead double lives as entertainment venues begin to acquire a certain look, feel, and smell, like an old crutch, or crackpipe might, if you have used it for years. Lost Cross is no different. These kinds of clubs all have a different character, but many share some general features which identify them as underground clubs. If you live in a college town, look around, and it will be easy to see the telltale signs that a house may be an underground club.
Starting about two blocks away in any direction, you begin to see more and more homemade stickers for underground or local bands stuck on every surface, from bicycle seats to air conditioning units to temporarily parked cars. You also see dozens of flyers stapled to every telephone pole.
The house itself is nondescript from the outside, except the porch. There are several pieces of furniture on it, the entire porch lists to the left slightly, and the remains of a barbecue grill extends off of one side. A screen door remains cocked half open, and a front door with the glass painted black greets you as you enter. The front room is clearly the main living space for perhaps three or four semi-permanent residents, and a transient population of as many as 10 more. There may be trash, but it really isn't dirty, per se, just messy. Between the residents, there are about 5000 vinyl records and almost as many CD's stuffed in every possible empty cabinet space, and in homemade milk crate furniture. A stereo, constructed from a mish mash of components from across several decades, works, but even on the best of days, sounds like crap. At one time, each piece was likely some of the best audio equipment student loans could buy.
It has to have a basement. A party house can have bands in a living room, but it won't last. All it takes is one overly loud band, one broken window, and that's it---cops called, people busted, and a pissed off neighbor that will rat you out in a heartbeat if you throw another party.
It must have exposed wiring, and dozens of extension cords running from converted light sockets. Clearly this house was built a long time ago, and the basement was never meant to be more than for storage. This accounts for the slightly too low ceiling beams, the open access to the propane furnace and the water heater, and if you are really lucky, access to a nonfunctioning coal chute and coal room.
It must be painted, by dozens of different artists who have made their mark on the house as they did their time in the party scene. It must be covered with phrases from the vain to the vulgar to the vicious to veritas. It must include stickers, logos, and sayings/lyrics/poetry from anti-establishment types, so that young punks can feel comforted by the very walls of their domicile.
It typically includes several TV's which may or may not work, pieces of mismatched furniture, particularly old couches, and also includes some kind of PA system for bands. Usually, there are several guitars, amps, and other pieces of equipment either left by the last band to perform there, or kept there by the band or bands which practice there. Oh, the circuits must contain at least one short, so that when a band is playing, as the singer goes to the microphone, he gets the shit zapped out of him. This happend one time to The DNA Vibrator, so badly that the tool's lip split open and blood flowed as he began to sing. There is nothing more apropo than blood flying from the singer's lips in an underground club.
Sometimes there is a fridge in the basement; usually there is lots of porn; beer cans, bottles and other liquor is ubiquitous. Everything is coated with a thick film of nicotine and pot smoke. Sometimes there are steps, usually with one broken or loose.
Walk up the basement steps, and into the kitchen area of the house, and the floor is peeled linoleum and wood, worn through to the floor joists in two places, and warped. In fact, the entire house has settled along three different axes, and tilts just enough to make your shoes feel funny as you walk from the kitchen to the hallway. None of the windows seat quite right in their frames. Flyers from local shows, posters from many of the coolest bands you have never seen, and more musical instruments are found on walls, behind furniture, and in the bathroom.
The bathroom. One bathroom for the 14 or so who currently live there; one bathroom, basement, and big backyard for the 500 or so guests who are there almost every Friday and Saturday night. One bathroom that on any given night, is covered with every bodily fluid one can excrete, and a couple that two can excrete. Vomit and urine, countered by comet and bleach. This is the price a resident has to pay for the privilege of living in a landmark. This notoriety is not lost on the residents of Lost Cross house. Like the Viking warriors who left the comfort and safety of their own villages behind for the hardships and camaraderie of the sea, the residents choose to live a less civilized, less encumbered with the demands of everyday independent living, but ultimately, more satisfying, life. A life on display to the rest of us who want to be reminded that we can live that free if we want to, and loose the shackles put on us by culture, at least for a Friday or Saturday night.
So to all the residents of Lost Cross, past, present, and future, THANK YOU, for being the bloody pagan barbarians that you are.
Permanent Historical Record: 11/03/06
Tips For the Traveling Band
This is the first installment of many little tidbits, tips which may help you, the wide-eyed, innocent college band member. In no particular order, other than this is the order that The DNA Vibrator remembers, here is
TIP #1: Always bring a soldering kit with you. Know how to use it. On a gig to Ted's Wharehouse, many years ago, The DNA Vibrator realized that the problem with its bass was not replacing a battery, but a short in one of the wires coming from the pick-ups. If we didn't have the tools, we would not have a had a show. At the same show, we had to solder the connecting wires back onto one of the speaker jacks in one of the guitar cabinets, too. In order to be able to comfortably use the soldering iron, you should get real comfortable with your instrument and equipment. Not only should you know how to play, you should know how your instrument and your equipment works. Getting personal with your equipment will make you a better player.
TIP #2: Pack a traveling pharmacy. Include pepto, immodium, execedrin, benadryl, sore throat lozenges, band aids, anti bacterial stuff, and a roll of toilet paper. Clearly life on the road is not always agreeable to one's stomach. And if you ever have had to use a bar or club toilet after standing in line 4 deep while the current patron is having explosive diarrhea and vomiting, then you know it is better to plan ahead than have to attempt to shit while standing on your tiptoes straddling a filthy backed up toilet, praying that no bit of you touches a bit of it, all while the bathroom stall door flaps open for no reason.
TIP #3: Always keep at least one guitar on stage that you can swing as a weapon if you need to. At one show, The DNA Vibrator swung his Ibanez SDGR bass (didn't have it for long, a little too cheesy for its own good) to clear out a group of belligerant bastards who had a little too much to drink, and were being a little too threatening to the band. This is a too common occurrence, when Joe Wish-he-had-the-balls-or-talent-to-put-together-his-own-band somehow feels that you owe him the opportunity to let him come up on stage and try to sing his music, which in reality is a retarded, drunken chorus of "Louie, Louie." So, of course, you say, "Get the fuck off my stage. You wanna sing, get your own fucking band," as nicely as possible while screaming at the dumbfuck. Somehow, dumbfucks always take this the wrong way. For whatever reason, dumbfucks also tend to think that if you are in a band, you are probably a pussy, and feel the need to flex their beer muscles in front of the redneck brigade which drove their trucks in with dumbfuck. Which leads to previously stated situation, which leads to bass being swung like a sledgehammer. After swinging it, and having dumbfuck come within about an inch of the hospital, everybody's jets cooled down a bit. The bar owner cleared the redneck brigade out of the bar. Then, as as the ruckus finally settled down, and we were ready to play again, The DNA Vibrator set the bass in its stand for a moment, and it fell off the stage, face first. It bounced when it hit the ground. The bass was so solid, it didn't even go out of tune. That's a multi-purpose instrument of sonic destruction for you. Probably should have kept it.
Permanent Historical Record: 11/05/06
Tips For the Traveling Band, Continued:
TIP #4: Buy an inline tuner for each of your guitar and bass players. Buy an extra. Don't care if your guitarist is a prima donna perfect pitch prick, when stage volume is brutal, monitors suck, and half the guys in the band are drunk, it's not worth the aggravation of attempting to tune your guitar by ear.
TIP #5: Spend whatever money you need to have a cheap guitar on hand as a spare. Nothing kills a show quicker than when a guitar goes down and it takes 20 minutes to fix it. $100.00 will get you what you need. That's about one show's take if you are beginning and in a little club. Do yourselves a favor, don't spend that gig money on a 2 am feast at Denny's (those come later). Go out the next day and get yourselves a spare guitar.
TIP #6: Book shows at clubs which serve food. Almost always, they will comp you some food as part of your gig.
TIP #7: Your band may actually inspire some people. They will want to be part of your experience. Let them. Let them sell your t-shirts, stickers, and CD's. Let them book shows for you, and let them load your equipment in and out of clubs. In return, let them be seen "with the band." Comp them tickets, or get them on the guest list. Give them t-shirts and CD's to wear and listen to. In Crank, we were lucky enough to have a person who really liked what we did who worked hard on our behalf just for the experience. Carolyn booked shows for us, settled up with club owners after gigs, helped load equipment, and sold stuff for us. She often would travel with us and put up with four stinky, crude, and loud guys, all cramped in our van. When we could, we paid her. In the end, she used her experience with Crank to help her become one of the booking agents for First Avenue in Minneapolis, one of the most famous clubs in the midwest, Prince's stomping ground.
Permanent Historical Record: 11/07/06
Election Day Excitement
The DNA Vibrator enjoys the quote of Winston Churchill, "Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others." The DNA Vibrator participated. Completed its civic duty, etc. However, the tool's son, Carl, was with the tool when he went to vote. "What's the difference between democrats and republicans?" he asked. The tool didn't have a good answer. The lines between politics and religion have been blurred, the lines between conservative and liberal are crossed. The tool said that he didn't think there was much of a difference anymore, and that the process of becoming a statewide and national candidate is corrupting, and that people with twisted motives were religifying everything, and...well, then he realized he was laying kind of a heavy trip on his 10 year old son. "Don't worry about it," he then said. Let Carl fix those problems tomorrow. Today, The DNA Vibrator has something special to celebrate.
Today, The DNA Vibrator finished a song called "A Brief History of The DNA Vibrator." And then, because DNA had some extra time to kill, the music was adapted as the new welcome mat for this website. This was the first official "new" DNA work in some time, and The DNA Vibrator was so excited about it that it went ahead and posted it even though it is not finished. The entire recording was done in the tool's office where he works, on his kick-ass Mac G5, using a couple of nice mics and Garageband. Even though this recording is tracked and mixed using Garageband, and The DNA Vibrator took advantage of some of the available software instruments (drums in particular) they are not pre-made loops. Each track is written and/or programmed by The DNA Vibrator. This will be the first recording for the upcoming DNA Vibrators release, "The Purple Headed Stranger." Hope you like it, not worried if you don't.
Permanent Historical Record: 11/11/06
The Day After The Night of the Cubby Bear Show
Before we continue the story started in the blog post 10/05/2006, we will rewind to the day before the night of the Cubby Bear show. The band had reached a new milestone: AfroDJYak had a new credit card, and it was Christmas for The DNA Vibrator and Gone Brian Vaughan in, well, December.
We found a sufficiently cool music store on the north side of Chicago, and began window shopping. When we went in, we hadn't actually formulated a plan, but in about 10 minutes, and to this day, The DNA Vibrator is not sure who suggested it, but AfroDJYak was more than willing to fork over his credit card to buy new equipment. The DNA Vibrator purchased a GK head and Trace Elliot cabinet. Nice stuff. Gone purchased a Mesa Boogie 50 Caliber. Nicer stuff. It has been so long, The DNA Vibrator doesn't remember what else was bought, but we certainly came close to AfroDJYak's limit. We spent the next year paying the card off in installments. It was some of the best money we spent.
More important than any gear, however, was the trust we had in each other. How many of your friends would drop $2000.00 on their credit card for your stuff? We never betrayed that trust. Of all the bands The DNA Vibrator has been in, the nucleus of the Coolies best embodied why people get together and form a band. We formed a brotherhood, which still manifests itself when we get together, to the aggravation of our wives.
TIP #8: Don't do this. Don't finance your other band member's equipment with a high interest rate charge card, no matter how fucking much you love each other. We were lucky, not smart, that that little shenanigan didn't make us the bitterest of enemies. Don't go into debt: use your gig money to help each band member buy new stuff.
So, later that night, we played the Cubby Bear, got royally fucked by the club, BV sold his license to a random guy he met outside the club, and we made enough money to gas up the van for the return trip home.
We spent the night at one of BV's friend's houses. Throughout the night, a snowstorm developed, and blanketed the city in about 18 inches of snow. In the morning, we were moving slowly, but by about 9 am, we looked ready to try our luck. Driving the van in the city was not bad, because by 9, traffic had already reduced the snow and ice to muddy slush. After about an hour of slow but safe driving, we made it out of the city, and were traveling on I-57 south.
For those of you unfamiliar, I-57 south is one of the major southern routes out of Chicago, and is the most direct route from Chicago back to southern Illinois. Once you are about 25 miles out of the city though, the landscape changes to stark, open farmland. It stays that way until you get south of Mt. Vernon, 300 miles away. As soon as we reached open road, conditions worsened. The temperature continued to drop throughout the morning, and what started as a messy road way, soon became a dangerously slick roadway. BV had started to nap as we left the city, and was comfortably resting as AfroDJYak and The DNA Vibrator were looking at the bleak conditions ahead. Road speed was steadily declining. In about two hours, the band was only just south of Kankakee (look on the map, you can see we weren't moving very fast).
We saw a semi trailer jack-knife. After about another 30 minutes of driving, our speed was down to between 15 to 20 miles an hour. There were fewer and fewer cars on the road. As we were passing under an overpass, as often happens when you are mildly compensating for a wind pushing your vehicle, which quickly abates under the overpass, for which you have to over steer to maintain control, the DNA Vibrator turned the wheel too quickly, and the van started to slide. It slid gracefully, the way a gelatinous walrus looks graceful in water, but cumbersome on land. AfroDJYak noted in that brief moment as life began flashing before his eyes, that The DNA Vibrator had taken one hand off the wheel, and was nipping the edge of his lips with his teeth, a habit The DNA Vibrator would fall into when near fatal accidents were about to occur. He pointed this out after years of research to The DNA Vibrator. The DNA Vibrator had enough time to say, "Hang on," which was not very good advice. Briefly, The DNA Vibrator noted that a cymbal case was poised to fall the reclining body of BV. A full cymbal case can easily weigh 80 pounds. It may not have killed him if it were to fall, but who wants to live with a collapsed lung?
Gently, DNA did the right moves: first foot off the gas, next, steer into the slide, next avoid culverts, metal posts, other cars. Thankfully, no one was near us, and as the van dreamily twisted from one side of the interstate to the other, the cymbal case rocked, but did not fall. At one point, the van was meandering sideways down the road. It actually became fun once it didn't seem like the van was going to flip over.
Finally, the van right itself, and very slowly, we continue on. As the blood started to flow to DNA's knuckles again, and AfroDJYak was beginning to lose the grin plastered on his face (the grin of "holy fuck, we coulda died, but we didn't"). Brian emerged from his sleep. "Hey, what's up guys? I thought I felt something a second ago." We laughed. Fortune favors the brave or foolish. Once again, over that unforgettable weekend, we were united as the Coolies.
Permanent Historical Record: 11/12/06
Our Sad, Collective Needs
Last night, as The DNA Vibrator wound down another day of changing the world imperceptibly, it took the time, for the first time ever, really, to surf the blogosphere. It didn't take long to come to a stark realization: Human beings are lacking something; companionship, communication, a feeling of being valued in the world, perhaps? Whatever it is, this collective psychological need is being filled by the internet. Filling this need is perhaps the most important service provided by the internet to its users. The DNA Vibrator believes this aspect of the internet was a completely unintended effect.
Some say the blogosphere is the expression of democracy that the (mostly) free flow of information allows. This myth is directly tied to the idea that the internet is fulfilling a psychological need for people. Most information on the web is not an expression of democracy; most information is expressed to further a person's, country's, corporation's, or group's own specific agenda, at the expense of other's. Some might say that in aggregate, this is still democracy, but it is not. True pursuit of democracy encourages every individual to have an equal say in decision making processes. The internet is not designed to do this. It is designed to evolve to allow those users who can purchase bandwidth, storage, ideas, etc., to develop as hubs for information seekers. This is natural, but it is not democracy. Most information on the web does not flow freely; First off, it costs, on many levels---must have a computer, or access to one; must have the time available to learn and use the computer; either must have a job in which use of the computer encourages your interest in how to access information, or must have the luxury of leisure to devote time to more esoteric pursuits. It costs, because users pay some kind of fee, whether fees are state or federal taxes for computer resources in a library, or whether it's a fee for contracted services from an internet provider. Rarely is any information provided on websites. There may be content, it may have a lot of colors and noise, but does the blog you read actually add to you as an entity and make you more enriched for spending the time you just spent? Highly unlikely.
Use this very website, for example. From its beginning, a fiction was created, an entity called The DNA Vibrator, to act as a narrative vehicle for the content being provided. It has all the tricks of seeming like it might be interesting to read, and listen to. Does The DNA Vibrator hope that you do read and listen to the stuff here? Yes, but the reason for that isn't because it will fill some gap in your life---it fills a gap in The DNA Vibrator's. Will your hoped for enjoyment of the material on this website add to your life, in some small way? DNA hopes so, again for its own selfish reasons. DNA knows that you can get your dimestore philosophy from so many other places. There are some out there who are not directly related to The DNA Vibrator who read this, so, perhaps, there is a little content hiding in here, after all.
DNA's website is perhaps not the best example. It's too innocuous. The DNA Vibrator already knows it doesn't really mean anything. But last night, The DNA Vibrator looked at hundreds of blogs, all presenting the appearance of access into others' lives through a computer screen-sized window. Most of them recycle the same sentiments in very bad personal poetry, or present a slice of life from a person, who feels the need to share this life with the rest of us. It didn't take long to realize that most of the slices of life were the same: Not uninteresting, but full of a conceit, which is that whatever it is that a person is blogging about is interesting enough, worthy enough, that it should be shared with the rest of us. Nobody cares if you bought a new dog. Nobody cares if you are totally into the show "Lost." Nobody cares if you are a has-been musician with a modicum of talent, a mediocre voice, the cumbersome wit to handle blunt sarcasm, and have a few extra bucks each month to spend to maintain a website (See---The DNA Vibrator is not being holier-than-thou. It completely includes itself in the category of "website that does not meet the test of being interesting enough").
What is this unmet need? We all "feel the need" to express part of lives. But, express to whom? How is it that for so many, expression has to take the form of a disjointed conversation, or a monologue, or a diatribe, or whatever rhetorical form the internet is demanding of its users? The internet, as it is presently being used, is not a very good form of communication. It's like a letter, only less personal. All the bullshit music, flash animation, porn, effects, that's all window-dressing. What is expressed, in the end, is no different, and actually, less direct than just about any form of communication The DNA Vibrator can think of right now. The fact that so many people derive something from the experience of blogging should tell us all that we're pretty dysfunctional. Equating a blog to communication is like equating role-playing game experiences to real life experiences. For some, the role-playing experience is the experience to be savored, not the real-life experience. Add up that equation: Self-loathing + no intimate friends + disappointment and frustration with not being who or what you had hoped to be in life = 20 hours a day playing ultima online. After reading so many blogs last night, The DNA Vibrator thinks that perhaps the answer to the above equation could also be "= writing this blog so all of you out there know I exist, and I am worth something." Are we so detached from each other that the only way that some of us can actually communicate is by not communicating? Have we confused the fiction that necessarily must be created online for the reality of our daily lives? Does this same unmet need describe the phenomena of "reality TV?" How is it that our current reality is so crappy that we sometimes prefer the presentation of someone else's reality?
Books took the translatable aspects of oral culture and put them in a form more people could use; radio and TV took the translatable aspects of print media and put them in a form more people could use. The internet took the translatable aspects of previous media and put them in a form more people could use. The price? At each step, the elements that are not translatable are lost, or forgotten, or deemed unimportant, because they do not fit the new paradigm. Some could call this a democratizing process, but it is democratizing like Wal-Mart is democratizing. If you reduce the overall value of the content being trafficked, in an effort to spread it around to more people, then perhaps you achieve one goal of democracy, homogeneity, at the expense of all other goals of democracy. The DNA Vibrator thinks that this is the root of the unmet need filled by the internet. At a gut level, people realize that the internet, blogs, mass marketed crap, governments, institutions, corporations, most organizations bigger than YOU, work directly or indirectly at lowering your expectations. About life. About everything. Your own self included. Why aren't you the next Gandhi? Why don't you end world hunger? Why don't you stop the war in Iraq? Why don't you actually go do something? Why waste any moment of your time? Can't you get something more out of your life? The DNA Vibrator is not pointing fingers, it does not want to anger or alienate you who are reading right now. It is not trying to make you feel bad, or like DNA is somehow superior to you for making these statements. In fact, The DNA Vibrator has very nearly talked itself out of writing another blog post, because it realizes that this expenditure of energy, this blog, does not really add too much to anyone's life, its own included.
The problem isn't the medium. It�s our expectation of what the medium can do. We're told by ourselves, by our experience as we look at other's work, that THIS, whatever this is, is what a blog should be, or a website should be, or LIFE should be. In the end, DNA is glad so many people are blogging. Like infinite monkeys randomly typing on infinite keyboards, eventually one of us will "get" it. Maybe it will be YOU.
Permanent Historical Record: 11/14/06
Our Happy, Collective Accomplishments
Clearly, the last post that The DNA Vibrator wrote did not dissuade it from continuing to write, nor did it dissuade any of the thousands of other bloggers or millions of readers from writing and reading. Good. Because as fucked up and pointless as most blogs are, they serve many purposes, none of which were addressed in the previous post.
Utility, cultural advancement, these are often the last goals met through a cultural tool like the internet. Sometimes, actual, real, useful information is gleaned from these pages, and certainly, one can always learn from others, even if the message is "don't do your blog like this." Since everybody's experience is unique, sometimes little things, like the use of a word, or a picture, might really be worth your time.
Certainly, DNA uses the internet everyday, so there is a certain amount of utility. However, its argument is not the internet does not have utility, it is that most blogs don't. This argument is weak, however. DNA knows it. Just wanted to see if anyone cared to debate. Since no one did, DNA will debate itself.
What about funny blogs? What about blogs that share art, pictures, music, optical illusions, educational blogs, historical blogs, blogs that archive otherwise lost information, blogs from important people with important things to say, blogs that document atrocities, blogs that give us firsthand information from war-torn areas, blogs that allow us to see medical and scientific breakthroughs? What about that, DNA Vibrator? What about that?
All true. That and more. Also, see the flaw in The DNA Vibrator's previous argument about how one medium that encompasses another translates the previous medium, but leaves the untranslatable stuff by the wayside. This simply is not true. First, no media has replaced any other. These different media exist together. In fact, it appears that there is room for a lot more, and there will be other media in the future.
Even if there is untranslatable stuff, there is so much new content that new media allows to be developed it more than makes up for what parts might be lost along the way.
The end message is the same for this post as the last one---keep typing away, keep posting your baby photos, the story about your new couch. It all adds to the cultural complexity. Every so often, art is created in those commonplace events, whether we realize it or not.
Fuck, this was a shiny happy blog post. Here's a different take: Maybe its better that we waste our time writing blogs and reading blogs and trying to be humorous or pertinent, or sharing and caring, because at least the illusion of doing something is better than the reality of nothing in your life meaning anything.
Ah, that's better.
Permanent Historical Record: 11/16/06
Dear Mr. President...
The DNA Vibrator does not know what has motivated it to do so, but last night, it wrote a long letter to the President of the United States. It also sent the letter to its senators and congressman. If DNA gets a response, it will post the response here. The DNA Vibrator does not believe its letters will actually influence the politicians to change policy, but this kind of writing is theraputic, and cheaper than a shrink. Once it gets political shit off its chest, it is free to think of more pressing matters. Of course, if DNA's letters do presage a change in policy, once again, the power of the Vibrator will be exposed.
Permanent Historical Record: 11/20/06
Today, the Internet Served its Purpose
It just so happened that through this very site, communication, actual communication, occurred between The DNA Vibrator, and an old friend of its, Orpheus Rex. Orpheus goes way back in the Carbondale music scene, was a respected player, and a damn fine writer. His byline appeared in the Carbondale Nightlife many times. He now makes the internet better for us all by being part of the new world order called yahoo!. There is no better way to bring down the man than by to subvert from the inside.
Permanent Historical Record: 11/24/06
He's Bringing Lots of Toys, For All the Punk Girls and Boys!
It has always been a desire of The DNA Vibrator to make a Christmas album, mixing standards and new material. This is not a joke. 10 years ago, it started, and wrote, "All I want For Christmas is a Whole Lotta Cash." It wrote another one, called, "Let's Put the X Back in Christmas," but it is not yet recorded. It is in the process of recording its own version of "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire." The best part of this project is that time is no object. Christmas is likely to be around for awhile. When it is done, you will see it here.
Permanent Historical Record: 11/30/06
My Political Letter
With only minor changes, here is the letter The DNA Vibrator sent to President Bush, its senators and representative. Afterwards is the official response it got back from the White House.
Dear President Bush,
Like many of my friends, I have listened to the news, read the books, and heard the experts and the common folk talk about what to do in Iraq. People get bogged down in the "why" we are there. I was one of those people until recently. It no longer matters why we are there.
I know I am not telling you or anyone else anything new here. I have thought about our situation for a long time, and begging the presumption, I would like to present to you what I have concluded.
First, the obvious American presence in Iraq is possibly fueling the terrorists' aims and the sectarian violence. Even if it is not, our enemies' propaganda machines can use our presence as their excuse to continue to perform acts of violence, and continue to stir discontent and raise doubts among people in Iraq and out of Iraq about the American mission.
Second, we must more clearly define our mission in Iraq. I have no doubt there is a clear mission among military commanders and political leaders, but it must be articulated in no nonsense terms, not in sound bites and nice sounding phrases, which don't have a lot of meaning on the ground. The American people can take it, and the entire world community will appreciate your candor. We must abandon absolute terms, like "win" or "lose" and appeal to a common sense understanding of an urban ground war. There are no winners or losers, (well, there are losers---everybody loses) objectives lose their relevance quickly, and in the end, any and every civilian death limits our ability to complete whatever mission we wish to complete.
Third, we must understand the military's continued role in Iraq. From a military point of view, home grown militias don't even blip on the radar as a threat. As a percentage of our total force in Iraq, over time, our casualty rate is extremely low, and I imagine, compared to theirs, presents a compelling argument that in a war of attrition, we win.
However, homegrown militias and terrorist action can't be beaten by traditional military force. Militias rise because of social unrest, poverty, lack of opportunity to build a better community for the future generations. Military force can not "beat" that. It can not solve a primarily political or religious conflict. Well, I take that back; military force can, but it requires total destruction and/or removal of the enemy. Since that was not our goal, the military, not surprisingly, is not "winning" this war. The military is not suited to complete the current mission in Iraq: police the country, train their people, enforce law, and heal or at least bridge religious and ethnic divisions.
How do we proceed then? Although they are the best on the planet, our military forces are like a bear, and opposition forces in Iraq are individual bees stinging the bear. From their point of view, the bees are defending their hive from the brute destructive force of the bear, which is taking something precious from them. From the bear's point of view, bees are a nuisance, nothing more. But, we are not the bear. I do not believe that our goal was to destroy Iraq or to take away what was precious from the Iraqi people. However, from their point of view, we are still acting like a bear. So our problem is to figure out how to turn our forces from acting like a bear into acting like a fox: Cunning, hidden, achieving by position what we have tried to achieve by force. There is no easy way to do this, but we can do it. The other option, a much worse option, will be to totally commit to a ground war. Since it is the least desirable option, let's discuss it now, and get it out of the way.
OPTION ONE:
Ground War: Institute a draft of all American citizens between the ages of 18-35 who meet the physical and mental requirements for military service. Raise an army of at least one million additional troops and blanket Iraq in a force the likes of which the world has never before seen. Literally encircle terrorist hot spots and kill or detain every single person who poses a threat to our force. End piecemeal war. Devote enough troops to secure and patrol borders. Secure all public utilities and major industries. Institute marshal law until the number of terrorist attacks drops to zero. Continue this presence until every child currently alive in Iraq has been taught in an American built, American taught school. It may sound like I am being sarcastic, but I am not. If we are to approach this war from the point of view that is will be "won" by us, nothing less than total commitment on our part will suffice. Therefore, I hope that we all agree, that this course of action is untenable, and that the American people simply will not agree or follow such a course of action.
OPTION TWO:
The Eventual Road to Disengagement (turning the bear into a fox):
First, terrorists must be treated as criminals, not as military forces. This has been a mistake on our part from the beginning. We should not be using the vocabulary and tools of war to punish criminal organizations. When we think "war" we limit ourselves to the options of war. We must begin changing our focus from military engagement to criminal prosecution and justice. We didn't use the military to attack Timothy McVeigh, or to find and destroy the perpetrators of the first World Trade Center bombing. Such is our situation now in Iraq. War is for toppling governments, or for opposing other military forces. Terrorists are criminals, and should be dealt with as such. Swift, equal, and effective public punishment of terrorists will deter future terrorists, and will give the population a reason to believe in its government.
Second, we have to employ Iraqis not only as police and military, but as the workforce in an Iraqi "New Deal," the goal of which is to employ every able-bodied Iraqi man and woman not currently employed to create or rebuild modern public works. These would include roads, schools, new power stations, new oil facilities, new bridges, new port facilities, EVERYTHING, from the ground up. People must either be working, or have a medical reason why they can not work. We need to do this instead of hiring multinational corporations from outside of Iraq to complete these tasks. When we give out contracts to corporations outside of Iraq, the money we spend does not get reinvested or spread through the Iraqi economy. It gets concentrated outside of the country. If Iraqis were being employed to build the things that Iraqis use, then Iraqis will be less likely to destroy them. They will be invested, in time, money, and pride, in the things they themselves have built, not the things we have built for them. For as often as conservatives have decried the effectiveness of the "welfare state," I am surprised that no one is talking about the welfare state we have created over there. No more no bid contracts to outside sources. It is counterproductive to the war effort.
Third, we must through all means necessary, secure the one for one replacement of coalition forces for pan-arabic and muslim (PAM) forces. These forces must be of mixed ethnic and religious backgrounds, and not under U.S. control, but under the control of a United Nations coordinated team of Iraqi and PAM commanders. We must cede all political authority to the elected Iraqi government, and remove our political presence; We must cede all military authority to the Iraqi government and to PAM forces.
Fourth, we must leave with no strings attached, with no Iraqi debt owed to us or any other coalition force. We must agree to continue to help fund public works, the rebuilding of roads, schools, utilities, and ports until the country functions at least as well as its pre-war status.
Fifth, we declare a new foreign policy in the region, similar to an old policy which worked very well: We will walk softly and carry a big stick. Let any power who wishes to a wage a war of words speak as long as they want. But as soon as a person is harmed or our interests are directly injured, react with immediate, massive, and deadly force.
I am not writing this to be critical of you or your administration. I wouldn't want to trade places with you. But I felt that I ought to tell you what I think. I don't expect that I am saying anything that others haven't already discussed, but, you never know.
Find a good solution to this mess. Be humble, if you must, be understanding. Change your position, if you have to. Changing doesn't mean "terrorists win," regardless of what others might say.
Sincerely,
NEXT, the first official response, from the White House:
On behalf of President Bush, thank you for your correspondence. We appreciate hearing your views and welcome your suggestions. The President is committed to continuing our economic progress, defending our freedom, and upholding our Nation's deepest values.
Due to the large volume of e-mail received, the White House cannot respond to every message. Please visit the White House website for the most up-to-date information on Presidential initiatives, current events, and topics of interest to you. In order to better receive comments from the public, a new system has been implemented. In the future please send your comments to comments@whitehouse.gov.
Thank you again for taking the time to write.
OR, in other words, "You're doing a great job, Brownie!" Or, "Malichi is the right guy for Iraq." Or, in other words, "Fuck off. You don't even deserve a form letter. Here is a form email. Now go have your little rant next to some endangered tree species while real men fight for your fucking freedom."
The DNA Vibrator hopes that more official responses will come from its other elected officials. It will be easy to judge their characters by their lack of personality or depth of bullshit.
September archive quote: "611 Pizza was like the bar, Cheers, except with a lot more tattoos, leather, black make-up, puking, pot smoking, and hardcore music."
October archive quote: "Because so many of you have come unbidden to look at The DNA Vibrator, The DNA Vibrator has come to realize that some of you may need The DNA Vibrator, the way punk needs bitch."
Permanent Historical Record: 11/01/06
Halloween has come and past. The tool's children went as a skeleton pirate, a teenage mutant ninja turtle, and a corpse bride. It was much fun. The tool lives in a small enough town that Halloween is still like a Norman Rockwell painting, except of course, for the child predators and and meth addicts. But as The DNA Vibrator reflects, they were there in the Rockwell paintings too, because the sickest of the sick, the underbelly of society, look just like the rest of us. Well, probably not the meth addicts---sunken cheeks, hollow eyes, bad teeth, fetid breath, dirty clothes, and stinking of desperation. But Norman painted his own share of perps, pervs, addicts, and whores without even realizing it, since he so accurately depicted Americana.
As much as The DNA Vibrator is convinced that our society is close to self destruction, it has to admit that the continued insistence and persistence of holidays like Halloween in spite of all of the dregs lurking as threats around every corner, bodes well for the society in general. Cultures need rituals which unify all members. The tool just spoke to a person from Taiwan who was fascinated by Halloween. In his country, there is no Halloween, but there is a "ghost month," in which encounters with the spirit world are taken very seriously. He explained to me that his people believe strongly, (and here he struggled for a moment, because the word he came up with isn't quite the right concept) that "hell" opens its gates and interacts with people more during the ghost month than at other times. He said he didn't understand how Halloween was a happy celebration. So, The DNA Vibrator took it upon itself to talk with him about the roots of some of our Halloween traditions. In doing so, The DNA Vibrator re-educated itself about the importance of some traditions. Certainly, holidays like Halloween, Christmas, Easter, and even to a certain extent, 4th of July and Thanksgiving, have lost touch with their roots as rituals. But for those willing to understand why we require our children to dress up as little ghouls and go door to door begging for candy, the holiday retains all of its mythological power.
12th Century rituals: The last, best hope for America!
Permanent Historical Record: 11/02/06
The Anatomy of an Underground Club
In Carbondale, there have been many party houses and party streets: Cherry Street and Oak Street were infamous for a long time. It has been many years since The DNA Vibrator visited those streets for a party, so it is sure that as times changed, so have the party spots. Some places on those streets were known to throw the best parties or have the best bands play. Some persisted through many tenants. One of the reasons a college student wanted to live in one of those houses was to continue the tradition of that house being known as a party destination. Such is the case with the Lost Cross house.
For at least 20 years, Lost Cross has been a destination for punks in Carbondale, a haven for underground or hardcore bands, a place in which almost every cool Carbondale band played, and hundreds of bands from across the country, big and small, have taken the stage. It has had many tenants, but has always been Lost Cross. Even now, The DNA Vibrator doesn't know the street address, but could walk there blindfolded from about any place in Carbondale. Houses which lead double lives as entertainment venues begin to acquire a certain look, feel, and smell, like an old crutch, or crackpipe might, if you have used it for years. Lost Cross is no different. These kinds of clubs all have a different character, but many share some general features which identify them as underground clubs. If you live in a college town, look around, and it will be easy to see the telltale signs that a house may be an underground club.
Starting about two blocks away in any direction, you begin to see more and more homemade stickers for underground or local bands stuck on every surface, from bicycle seats to air conditioning units to temporarily parked cars. You also see dozens of flyers stapled to every telephone pole.
The house itself is nondescript from the outside, except the porch. There are several pieces of furniture on it, the entire porch lists to the left slightly, and the remains of a barbecue grill extends off of one side. A screen door remains cocked half open, and a front door with the glass painted black greets you as you enter. The front room is clearly the main living space for perhaps three or four semi-permanent residents, and a transient population of as many as 10 more. There may be trash, but it really isn't dirty, per se, just messy. Between the residents, there are about 5000 vinyl records and almost as many CD's stuffed in every possible empty cabinet space, and in homemade milk crate furniture. A stereo, constructed from a mish mash of components from across several decades, works, but even on the best of days, sounds like crap. At one time, each piece was likely some of the best audio equipment student loans could buy.
It has to have a basement. A party house can have bands in a living room, but it won't last. All it takes is one overly loud band, one broken window, and that's it---cops called, people busted, and a pissed off neighbor that will rat you out in a heartbeat if you throw another party.
It must have exposed wiring, and dozens of extension cords running from converted light sockets. Clearly this house was built a long time ago, and the basement was never meant to be more than for storage. This accounts for the slightly too low ceiling beams, the open access to the propane furnace and the water heater, and if you are really lucky, access to a nonfunctioning coal chute and coal room.
It must be painted, by dozens of different artists who have made their mark on the house as they did their time in the party scene. It must be covered with phrases from the vain to the vulgar to the vicious to veritas. It must include stickers, logos, and sayings/lyrics/poetry from anti-establishment types, so that young punks can feel comforted by the very walls of their domicile.
It typically includes several TV's which may or may not work, pieces of mismatched furniture, particularly old couches, and also includes some kind of PA system for bands. Usually, there are several guitars, amps, and other pieces of equipment either left by the last band to perform there, or kept there by the band or bands which practice there. Oh, the circuits must contain at least one short, so that when a band is playing, as the singer goes to the microphone, he gets the shit zapped out of him. This happend one time to The DNA Vibrator, so badly that the tool's lip split open and blood flowed as he began to sing. There is nothing more apropo than blood flying from the singer's lips in an underground club.
Sometimes there is a fridge in the basement; usually there is lots of porn; beer cans, bottles and other liquor is ubiquitous. Everything is coated with a thick film of nicotine and pot smoke. Sometimes there are steps, usually with one broken or loose.
Walk up the basement steps, and into the kitchen area of the house, and the floor is peeled linoleum and wood, worn through to the floor joists in two places, and warped. In fact, the entire house has settled along three different axes, and tilts just enough to make your shoes feel funny as you walk from the kitchen to the hallway. None of the windows seat quite right in their frames. Flyers from local shows, posters from many of the coolest bands you have never seen, and more musical instruments are found on walls, behind furniture, and in the bathroom.
The bathroom. One bathroom for the 14 or so who currently live there; one bathroom, basement, and big backyard for the 500 or so guests who are there almost every Friday and Saturday night. One bathroom that on any given night, is covered with every bodily fluid one can excrete, and a couple that two can excrete. Vomit and urine, countered by comet and bleach. This is the price a resident has to pay for the privilege of living in a landmark. This notoriety is not lost on the residents of Lost Cross house. Like the Viking warriors who left the comfort and safety of their own villages behind for the hardships and camaraderie of the sea, the residents choose to live a less civilized, less encumbered with the demands of everyday independent living, but ultimately, more satisfying, life. A life on display to the rest of us who want to be reminded that we can live that free if we want to, and loose the shackles put on us by culture, at least for a Friday or Saturday night.
So to all the residents of Lost Cross, past, present, and future, THANK YOU, for being the bloody pagan barbarians that you are.
Permanent Historical Record: 11/03/06
Tips For the Traveling Band
This is the first installment of many little tidbits, tips which may help you, the wide-eyed, innocent college band member. In no particular order, other than this is the order that The DNA Vibrator remembers, here is
TIP #1: Always bring a soldering kit with you. Know how to use it. On a gig to Ted's Wharehouse, many years ago, The DNA Vibrator realized that the problem with its bass was not replacing a battery, but a short in one of the wires coming from the pick-ups. If we didn't have the tools, we would not have a had a show. At the same show, we had to solder the connecting wires back onto one of the speaker jacks in one of the guitar cabinets, too. In order to be able to comfortably use the soldering iron, you should get real comfortable with your instrument and equipment. Not only should you know how to play, you should know how your instrument and your equipment works. Getting personal with your equipment will make you a better player.
TIP #2: Pack a traveling pharmacy. Include pepto, immodium, execedrin, benadryl, sore throat lozenges, band aids, anti bacterial stuff, and a roll of toilet paper. Clearly life on the road is not always agreeable to one's stomach. And if you ever have had to use a bar or club toilet after standing in line 4 deep while the current patron is having explosive diarrhea and vomiting, then you know it is better to plan ahead than have to attempt to shit while standing on your tiptoes straddling a filthy backed up toilet, praying that no bit of you touches a bit of it, all while the bathroom stall door flaps open for no reason.
TIP #3: Always keep at least one guitar on stage that you can swing as a weapon if you need to. At one show, The DNA Vibrator swung his Ibanez SDGR bass (didn't have it for long, a little too cheesy for its own good) to clear out a group of belligerant bastards who had a little too much to drink, and were being a little too threatening to the band. This is a too common occurrence, when Joe Wish-he-had-the-balls-or-talent-to-put-together-his-own-band somehow feels that you owe him the opportunity to let him come up on stage and try to sing his music, which in reality is a retarded, drunken chorus of "Louie, Louie." So, of course, you say, "Get the fuck off my stage. You wanna sing, get your own fucking band," as nicely as possible while screaming at the dumbfuck. Somehow, dumbfucks always take this the wrong way. For whatever reason, dumbfucks also tend to think that if you are in a band, you are probably a pussy, and feel the need to flex their beer muscles in front of the redneck brigade which drove their trucks in with dumbfuck. Which leads to previously stated situation, which leads to bass being swung like a sledgehammer. After swinging it, and having dumbfuck come within about an inch of the hospital, everybody's jets cooled down a bit. The bar owner cleared the redneck brigade out of the bar. Then, as as the ruckus finally settled down, and we were ready to play again, The DNA Vibrator set the bass in its stand for a moment, and it fell off the stage, face first. It bounced when it hit the ground. The bass was so solid, it didn't even go out of tune. That's a multi-purpose instrument of sonic destruction for you. Probably should have kept it.
Permanent Historical Record: 11/05/06
Tips For the Traveling Band, Continued:
TIP #4: Buy an inline tuner for each of your guitar and bass players. Buy an extra. Don't care if your guitarist is a prima donna perfect pitch prick, when stage volume is brutal, monitors suck, and half the guys in the band are drunk, it's not worth the aggravation of attempting to tune your guitar by ear.
TIP #5: Spend whatever money you need to have a cheap guitar on hand as a spare. Nothing kills a show quicker than when a guitar goes down and it takes 20 minutes to fix it. $100.00 will get you what you need. That's about one show's take if you are beginning and in a little club. Do yourselves a favor, don't spend that gig money on a 2 am feast at Denny's (those come later). Go out the next day and get yourselves a spare guitar.
TIP #6: Book shows at clubs which serve food. Almost always, they will comp you some food as part of your gig.
TIP #7: Your band may actually inspire some people. They will want to be part of your experience. Let them. Let them sell your t-shirts, stickers, and CD's. Let them book shows for you, and let them load your equipment in and out of clubs. In return, let them be seen "with the band." Comp them tickets, or get them on the guest list. Give them t-shirts and CD's to wear and listen to. In Crank, we were lucky enough to have a person who really liked what we did who worked hard on our behalf just for the experience. Carolyn booked shows for us, settled up with club owners after gigs, helped load equipment, and sold stuff for us. She often would travel with us and put up with four stinky, crude, and loud guys, all cramped in our van. When we could, we paid her. In the end, she used her experience with Crank to help her become one of the booking agents for First Avenue in Minneapolis, one of the most famous clubs in the midwest, Prince's stomping ground.
Permanent Historical Record: 11/07/06
Election Day Excitement
The DNA Vibrator enjoys the quote of Winston Churchill, "Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others." The DNA Vibrator participated. Completed its civic duty, etc. However, the tool's son, Carl, was with the tool when he went to vote. "What's the difference between democrats and republicans?" he asked. The tool didn't have a good answer. The lines between politics and religion have been blurred, the lines between conservative and liberal are crossed. The tool said that he didn't think there was much of a difference anymore, and that the process of becoming a statewide and national candidate is corrupting, and that people with twisted motives were religifying everything, and...well, then he realized he was laying kind of a heavy trip on his 10 year old son. "Don't worry about it," he then said. Let Carl fix those problems tomorrow. Today, The DNA Vibrator has something special to celebrate.
Today, The DNA Vibrator finished a song called "A Brief History of The DNA Vibrator." And then, because DNA had some extra time to kill, the music was adapted as the new welcome mat for this website. This was the first official "new" DNA work in some time, and The DNA Vibrator was so excited about it that it went ahead and posted it even though it is not finished. The entire recording was done in the tool's office where he works, on his kick-ass Mac G5, using a couple of nice mics and Garageband. Even though this recording is tracked and mixed using Garageband, and The DNA Vibrator took advantage of some of the available software instruments (drums in particular) they are not pre-made loops. Each track is written and/or programmed by The DNA Vibrator. This will be the first recording for the upcoming DNA Vibrators release, "The Purple Headed Stranger." Hope you like it, not worried if you don't.
Permanent Historical Record: 11/11/06
The Day After The Night of the Cubby Bear Show
Before we continue the story started in the blog post 10/05/2006, we will rewind to the day before the night of the Cubby Bear show. The band had reached a new milestone: AfroDJYak had a new credit card, and it was Christmas for The DNA Vibrator and Gone Brian Vaughan in, well, December.
We found a sufficiently cool music store on the north side of Chicago, and began window shopping. When we went in, we hadn't actually formulated a plan, but in about 10 minutes, and to this day, The DNA Vibrator is not sure who suggested it, but AfroDJYak was more than willing to fork over his credit card to buy new equipment. The DNA Vibrator purchased a GK head and Trace Elliot cabinet. Nice stuff. Gone purchased a Mesa Boogie 50 Caliber. Nicer stuff. It has been so long, The DNA Vibrator doesn't remember what else was bought, but we certainly came close to AfroDJYak's limit. We spent the next year paying the card off in installments. It was some of the best money we spent.
More important than any gear, however, was the trust we had in each other. How many of your friends would drop $2000.00 on their credit card for your stuff? We never betrayed that trust. Of all the bands The DNA Vibrator has been in, the nucleus of the Coolies best embodied why people get together and form a band. We formed a brotherhood, which still manifests itself when we get together, to the aggravation of our wives.
TIP #8: Don't do this. Don't finance your other band member's equipment with a high interest rate charge card, no matter how fucking much you love each other. We were lucky, not smart, that that little shenanigan didn't make us the bitterest of enemies. Don't go into debt: use your gig money to help each band member buy new stuff.
So, later that night, we played the Cubby Bear, got royally fucked by the club, BV sold his license to a random guy he met outside the club, and we made enough money to gas up the van for the return trip home.
We spent the night at one of BV's friend's houses. Throughout the night, a snowstorm developed, and blanketed the city in about 18 inches of snow. In the morning, we were moving slowly, but by about 9 am, we looked ready to try our luck. Driving the van in the city was not bad, because by 9, traffic had already reduced the snow and ice to muddy slush. After about an hour of slow but safe driving, we made it out of the city, and were traveling on I-57 south.
For those of you unfamiliar, I-57 south is one of the major southern routes out of Chicago, and is the most direct route from Chicago back to southern Illinois. Once you are about 25 miles out of the city though, the landscape changes to stark, open farmland. It stays that way until you get south of Mt. Vernon, 300 miles away. As soon as we reached open road, conditions worsened. The temperature continued to drop throughout the morning, and what started as a messy road way, soon became a dangerously slick roadway. BV had started to nap as we left the city, and was comfortably resting as AfroDJYak and The DNA Vibrator were looking at the bleak conditions ahead. Road speed was steadily declining. In about two hours, the band was only just south of Kankakee (look on the map, you can see we weren't moving very fast).
We saw a semi trailer jack-knife. After about another 30 minutes of driving, our speed was down to between 15 to 20 miles an hour. There were fewer and fewer cars on the road. As we were passing under an overpass, as often happens when you are mildly compensating for a wind pushing your vehicle, which quickly abates under the overpass, for which you have to over steer to maintain control, the DNA Vibrator turned the wheel too quickly, and the van started to slide. It slid gracefully, the way a gelatinous walrus looks graceful in water, but cumbersome on land. AfroDJYak noted in that brief moment as life began flashing before his eyes, that The DNA Vibrator had taken one hand off the wheel, and was nipping the edge of his lips with his teeth, a habit The DNA Vibrator would fall into when near fatal accidents were about to occur. He pointed this out after years of research to The DNA Vibrator. The DNA Vibrator had enough time to say, "Hang on," which was not very good advice. Briefly, The DNA Vibrator noted that a cymbal case was poised to fall the reclining body of BV. A full cymbal case can easily weigh 80 pounds. It may not have killed him if it were to fall, but who wants to live with a collapsed lung?
Gently, DNA did the right moves: first foot off the gas, next, steer into the slide, next avoid culverts, metal posts, other cars. Thankfully, no one was near us, and as the van dreamily twisted from one side of the interstate to the other, the cymbal case rocked, but did not fall. At one point, the van was meandering sideways down the road. It actually became fun once it didn't seem like the van was going to flip over.
Finally, the van right itself, and very slowly, we continue on. As the blood started to flow to DNA's knuckles again, and AfroDJYak was beginning to lose the grin plastered on his face (the grin of "holy fuck, we coulda died, but we didn't"). Brian emerged from his sleep. "Hey, what's up guys? I thought I felt something a second ago." We laughed. Fortune favors the brave or foolish. Once again, over that unforgettable weekend, we were united as the Coolies.
Permanent Historical Record: 11/12/06
Our Sad, Collective Needs
Last night, as The DNA Vibrator wound down another day of changing the world imperceptibly, it took the time, for the first time ever, really, to surf the blogosphere. It didn't take long to come to a stark realization: Human beings are lacking something; companionship, communication, a feeling of being valued in the world, perhaps? Whatever it is, this collective psychological need is being filled by the internet. Filling this need is perhaps the most important service provided by the internet to its users. The DNA Vibrator believes this aspect of the internet was a completely unintended effect.
Some say the blogosphere is the expression of democracy that the (mostly) free flow of information allows. This myth is directly tied to the idea that the internet is fulfilling a psychological need for people. Most information on the web is not an expression of democracy; most information is expressed to further a person's, country's, corporation's, or group's own specific agenda, at the expense of other's. Some might say that in aggregate, this is still democracy, but it is not. True pursuit of democracy encourages every individual to have an equal say in decision making processes. The internet is not designed to do this. It is designed to evolve to allow those users who can purchase bandwidth, storage, ideas, etc., to develop as hubs for information seekers. This is natural, but it is not democracy. Most information on the web does not flow freely; First off, it costs, on many levels---must have a computer, or access to one; must have the time available to learn and use the computer; either must have a job in which use of the computer encourages your interest in how to access information, or must have the luxury of leisure to devote time to more esoteric pursuits. It costs, because users pay some kind of fee, whether fees are state or federal taxes for computer resources in a library, or whether it's a fee for contracted services from an internet provider. Rarely is any information provided on websites. There may be content, it may have a lot of colors and noise, but does the blog you read actually add to you as an entity and make you more enriched for spending the time you just spent? Highly unlikely.
Use this very website, for example. From its beginning, a fiction was created, an entity called The DNA Vibrator, to act as a narrative vehicle for the content being provided. It has all the tricks of seeming like it might be interesting to read, and listen to. Does The DNA Vibrator hope that you do read and listen to the stuff here? Yes, but the reason for that isn't because it will fill some gap in your life---it fills a gap in The DNA Vibrator's. Will your hoped for enjoyment of the material on this website add to your life, in some small way? DNA hopes so, again for its own selfish reasons. DNA knows that you can get your dimestore philosophy from so many other places. There are some out there who are not directly related to The DNA Vibrator who read this, so, perhaps, there is a little content hiding in here, after all.
DNA's website is perhaps not the best example. It's too innocuous. The DNA Vibrator already knows it doesn't really mean anything. But last night, The DNA Vibrator looked at hundreds of blogs, all presenting the appearance of access into others' lives through a computer screen-sized window. Most of them recycle the same sentiments in very bad personal poetry, or present a slice of life from a person, who feels the need to share this life with the rest of us. It didn't take long to realize that most of the slices of life were the same: Not uninteresting, but full of a conceit, which is that whatever it is that a person is blogging about is interesting enough, worthy enough, that it should be shared with the rest of us. Nobody cares if you bought a new dog. Nobody cares if you are totally into the show "Lost." Nobody cares if you are a has-been musician with a modicum of talent, a mediocre voice, the cumbersome wit to handle blunt sarcasm, and have a few extra bucks each month to spend to maintain a website (See---The DNA Vibrator is not being holier-than-thou. It completely includes itself in the category of "website that does not meet the test of being interesting enough").
What is this unmet need? We all "feel the need" to express part of lives. But, express to whom? How is it that for so many, expression has to take the form of a disjointed conversation, or a monologue, or a diatribe, or whatever rhetorical form the internet is demanding of its users? The internet, as it is presently being used, is not a very good form of communication. It's like a letter, only less personal. All the bullshit music, flash animation, porn, effects, that's all window-dressing. What is expressed, in the end, is no different, and actually, less direct than just about any form of communication The DNA Vibrator can think of right now. The fact that so many people derive something from the experience of blogging should tell us all that we're pretty dysfunctional. Equating a blog to communication is like equating role-playing game experiences to real life experiences. For some, the role-playing experience is the experience to be savored, not the real-life experience. Add up that equation: Self-loathing + no intimate friends + disappointment and frustration with not being who or what you had hoped to be in life = 20 hours a day playing ultima online. After reading so many blogs last night, The DNA Vibrator thinks that perhaps the answer to the above equation could also be "= writing this blog so all of you out there know I exist, and I am worth something." Are we so detached from each other that the only way that some of us can actually communicate is by not communicating? Have we confused the fiction that necessarily must be created online for the reality of our daily lives? Does this same unmet need describe the phenomena of "reality TV?" How is it that our current reality is so crappy that we sometimes prefer the presentation of someone else's reality?
Books took the translatable aspects of oral culture and put them in a form more people could use; radio and TV took the translatable aspects of print media and put them in a form more people could use. The internet took the translatable aspects of previous media and put them in a form more people could use. The price? At each step, the elements that are not translatable are lost, or forgotten, or deemed unimportant, because they do not fit the new paradigm. Some could call this a democratizing process, but it is democratizing like Wal-Mart is democratizing. If you reduce the overall value of the content being trafficked, in an effort to spread it around to more people, then perhaps you achieve one goal of democracy, homogeneity, at the expense of all other goals of democracy. The DNA Vibrator thinks that this is the root of the unmet need filled by the internet. At a gut level, people realize that the internet, blogs, mass marketed crap, governments, institutions, corporations, most organizations bigger than YOU, work directly or indirectly at lowering your expectations. About life. About everything. Your own self included. Why aren't you the next Gandhi? Why don't you end world hunger? Why don't you stop the war in Iraq? Why don't you actually go do something? Why waste any moment of your time? Can't you get something more out of your life? The DNA Vibrator is not pointing fingers, it does not want to anger or alienate you who are reading right now. It is not trying to make you feel bad, or like DNA is somehow superior to you for making these statements. In fact, The DNA Vibrator has very nearly talked itself out of writing another blog post, because it realizes that this expenditure of energy, this blog, does not really add too much to anyone's life, its own included.
The problem isn't the medium. It�s our expectation of what the medium can do. We're told by ourselves, by our experience as we look at other's work, that THIS, whatever this is, is what a blog should be, or a website should be, or LIFE should be. In the end, DNA is glad so many people are blogging. Like infinite monkeys randomly typing on infinite keyboards, eventually one of us will "get" it. Maybe it will be YOU.
Permanent Historical Record: 11/14/06
Our Happy, Collective Accomplishments
Clearly, the last post that The DNA Vibrator wrote did not dissuade it from continuing to write, nor did it dissuade any of the thousands of other bloggers or millions of readers from writing and reading. Good. Because as fucked up and pointless as most blogs are, they serve many purposes, none of which were addressed in the previous post.
Utility, cultural advancement, these are often the last goals met through a cultural tool like the internet. Sometimes, actual, real, useful information is gleaned from these pages, and certainly, one can always learn from others, even if the message is "don't do your blog like this." Since everybody's experience is unique, sometimes little things, like the use of a word, or a picture, might really be worth your time.
Certainly, DNA uses the internet everyday, so there is a certain amount of utility. However, its argument is not the internet does not have utility, it is that most blogs don't. This argument is weak, however. DNA knows it. Just wanted to see if anyone cared to debate. Since no one did, DNA will debate itself.
What about funny blogs? What about blogs that share art, pictures, music, optical illusions, educational blogs, historical blogs, blogs that archive otherwise lost information, blogs from important people with important things to say, blogs that document atrocities, blogs that give us firsthand information from war-torn areas, blogs that allow us to see medical and scientific breakthroughs? What about that, DNA Vibrator? What about that?
All true. That and more. Also, see the flaw in The DNA Vibrator's previous argument about how one medium that encompasses another translates the previous medium, but leaves the untranslatable stuff by the wayside. This simply is not true. First, no media has replaced any other. These different media exist together. In fact, it appears that there is room for a lot more, and there will be other media in the future.
Even if there is untranslatable stuff, there is so much new content that new media allows to be developed it more than makes up for what parts might be lost along the way.
The end message is the same for this post as the last one---keep typing away, keep posting your baby photos, the story about your new couch. It all adds to the cultural complexity. Every so often, art is created in those commonplace events, whether we realize it or not.
Fuck, this was a shiny happy blog post. Here's a different take: Maybe its better that we waste our time writing blogs and reading blogs and trying to be humorous or pertinent, or sharing and caring, because at least the illusion of doing something is better than the reality of nothing in your life meaning anything.
Ah, that's better.
Permanent Historical Record: 11/16/06
Dear Mr. President...
The DNA Vibrator does not know what has motivated it to do so, but last night, it wrote a long letter to the President of the United States. It also sent the letter to its senators and congressman. If DNA gets a response, it will post the response here. The DNA Vibrator does not believe its letters will actually influence the politicians to change policy, but this kind of writing is theraputic, and cheaper than a shrink. Once it gets political shit off its chest, it is free to think of more pressing matters. Of course, if DNA's letters do presage a change in policy, once again, the power of the Vibrator will be exposed.
Permanent Historical Record: 11/20/06
Today, the Internet Served its Purpose
It just so happened that through this very site, communication, actual communication, occurred between The DNA Vibrator, and an old friend of its, Orpheus Rex. Orpheus goes way back in the Carbondale music scene, was a respected player, and a damn fine writer. His byline appeared in the Carbondale Nightlife many times. He now makes the internet better for us all by being part of the new world order called yahoo!. There is no better way to bring down the man than by to subvert from the inside.
Permanent Historical Record: 11/24/06
He's Bringing Lots of Toys, For All the Punk Girls and Boys!
It has always been a desire of The DNA Vibrator to make a Christmas album, mixing standards and new material. This is not a joke. 10 years ago, it started, and wrote, "All I want For Christmas is a Whole Lotta Cash." It wrote another one, called, "Let's Put the X Back in Christmas," but it is not yet recorded. It is in the process of recording its own version of "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire." The best part of this project is that time is no object. Christmas is likely to be around for awhile. When it is done, you will see it here.
Permanent Historical Record: 11/30/06
My Political Letter
With only minor changes, here is the letter The DNA Vibrator sent to President Bush, its senators and representative. Afterwards is the official response it got back from the White House.
Dear President Bush,
Like many of my friends, I have listened to the news, read the books, and heard the experts and the common folk talk about what to do in Iraq. People get bogged down in the "why" we are there. I was one of those people until recently. It no longer matters why we are there.
I know I am not telling you or anyone else anything new here. I have thought about our situation for a long time, and begging the presumption, I would like to present to you what I have concluded.
First, the obvious American presence in Iraq is possibly fueling the terrorists' aims and the sectarian violence. Even if it is not, our enemies' propaganda machines can use our presence as their excuse to continue to perform acts of violence, and continue to stir discontent and raise doubts among people in Iraq and out of Iraq about the American mission.
Second, we must more clearly define our mission in Iraq. I have no doubt there is a clear mission among military commanders and political leaders, but it must be articulated in no nonsense terms, not in sound bites and nice sounding phrases, which don't have a lot of meaning on the ground. The American people can take it, and the entire world community will appreciate your candor. We must abandon absolute terms, like "win" or "lose" and appeal to a common sense understanding of an urban ground war. There are no winners or losers, (well, there are losers---everybody loses) objectives lose their relevance quickly, and in the end, any and every civilian death limits our ability to complete whatever mission we wish to complete.
Third, we must understand the military's continued role in Iraq. From a military point of view, home grown militias don't even blip on the radar as a threat. As a percentage of our total force in Iraq, over time, our casualty rate is extremely low, and I imagine, compared to theirs, presents a compelling argument that in a war of attrition, we win.
However, homegrown militias and terrorist action can't be beaten by traditional military force. Militias rise because of social unrest, poverty, lack of opportunity to build a better community for the future generations. Military force can not "beat" that. It can not solve a primarily political or religious conflict. Well, I take that back; military force can, but it requires total destruction and/or removal of the enemy. Since that was not our goal, the military, not surprisingly, is not "winning" this war. The military is not suited to complete the current mission in Iraq: police the country, train their people, enforce law, and heal or at least bridge religious and ethnic divisions.
How do we proceed then? Although they are the best on the planet, our military forces are like a bear, and opposition forces in Iraq are individual bees stinging the bear. From their point of view, the bees are defending their hive from the brute destructive force of the bear, which is taking something precious from them. From the bear's point of view, bees are a nuisance, nothing more. But, we are not the bear. I do not believe that our goal was to destroy Iraq or to take away what was precious from the Iraqi people. However, from their point of view, we are still acting like a bear. So our problem is to figure out how to turn our forces from acting like a bear into acting like a fox: Cunning, hidden, achieving by position what we have tried to achieve by force. There is no easy way to do this, but we can do it. The other option, a much worse option, will be to totally commit to a ground war. Since it is the least desirable option, let's discuss it now, and get it out of the way.
OPTION ONE:
Ground War: Institute a draft of all American citizens between the ages of 18-35 who meet the physical and mental requirements for military service. Raise an army of at least one million additional troops and blanket Iraq in a force the likes of which the world has never before seen. Literally encircle terrorist hot spots and kill or detain every single person who poses a threat to our force. End piecemeal war. Devote enough troops to secure and patrol borders. Secure all public utilities and major industries. Institute marshal law until the number of terrorist attacks drops to zero. Continue this presence until every child currently alive in Iraq has been taught in an American built, American taught school. It may sound like I am being sarcastic, but I am not. If we are to approach this war from the point of view that is will be "won" by us, nothing less than total commitment on our part will suffice. Therefore, I hope that we all agree, that this course of action is untenable, and that the American people simply will not agree or follow such a course of action.
OPTION TWO:
The Eventual Road to Disengagement (turning the bear into a fox):
First, terrorists must be treated as criminals, not as military forces. This has been a mistake on our part from the beginning. We should not be using the vocabulary and tools of war to punish criminal organizations. When we think "war" we limit ourselves to the options of war. We must begin changing our focus from military engagement to criminal prosecution and justice. We didn't use the military to attack Timothy McVeigh, or to find and destroy the perpetrators of the first World Trade Center bombing. Such is our situation now in Iraq. War is for toppling governments, or for opposing other military forces. Terrorists are criminals, and should be dealt with as such. Swift, equal, and effective public punishment of terrorists will deter future terrorists, and will give the population a reason to believe in its government.
Second, we have to employ Iraqis not only as police and military, but as the workforce in an Iraqi "New Deal," the goal of which is to employ every able-bodied Iraqi man and woman not currently employed to create or rebuild modern public works. These would include roads, schools, new power stations, new oil facilities, new bridges, new port facilities, EVERYTHING, from the ground up. People must either be working, or have a medical reason why they can not work. We need to do this instead of hiring multinational corporations from outside of Iraq to complete these tasks. When we give out contracts to corporations outside of Iraq, the money we spend does not get reinvested or spread through the Iraqi economy. It gets concentrated outside of the country. If Iraqis were being employed to build the things that Iraqis use, then Iraqis will be less likely to destroy them. They will be invested, in time, money, and pride, in the things they themselves have built, not the things we have built for them. For as often as conservatives have decried the effectiveness of the "welfare state," I am surprised that no one is talking about the welfare state we have created over there. No more no bid contracts to outside sources. It is counterproductive to the war effort.
Third, we must through all means necessary, secure the one for one replacement of coalition forces for pan-arabic and muslim (PAM) forces. These forces must be of mixed ethnic and religious backgrounds, and not under U.S. control, but under the control of a United Nations coordinated team of Iraqi and PAM commanders. We must cede all political authority to the elected Iraqi government, and remove our political presence; We must cede all military authority to the Iraqi government and to PAM forces.
Fourth, we must leave with no strings attached, with no Iraqi debt owed to us or any other coalition force. We must agree to continue to help fund public works, the rebuilding of roads, schools, utilities, and ports until the country functions at least as well as its pre-war status.
Fifth, we declare a new foreign policy in the region, similar to an old policy which worked very well: We will walk softly and carry a big stick. Let any power who wishes to a wage a war of words speak as long as they want. But as soon as a person is harmed or our interests are directly injured, react with immediate, massive, and deadly force.
I am not writing this to be critical of you or your administration. I wouldn't want to trade places with you. But I felt that I ought to tell you what I think. I don't expect that I am saying anything that others haven't already discussed, but, you never know.
Find a good solution to this mess. Be humble, if you must, be understanding. Change your position, if you have to. Changing doesn't mean "terrorists win," regardless of what others might say.
Sincerely,
NEXT, the first official response, from the White House:
On behalf of President Bush, thank you for your correspondence. We appreciate hearing your views and welcome your suggestions. The President is committed to continuing our economic progress, defending our freedom, and upholding our Nation's deepest values.
Due to the large volume of e-mail received, the White House cannot respond to every message. Please visit the White House website for the most up-to-date information on Presidential initiatives, current events, and topics of interest to you. In order to better receive comments from the public, a new system has been implemented. In the future please send your comments to comments@whitehouse.gov.
Thank you again for taking the time to write.
OR, in other words, "You're doing a great job, Brownie!" Or, "Malichi is the right guy for Iraq." Or, in other words, "Fuck off. You don't even deserve a form letter. Here is a form email. Now go have your little rant next to some endangered tree species while real men fight for your fucking freedom."
The DNA Vibrator hopes that more official responses will come from its other elected officials. It will be easy to judge their characters by their lack of personality or depth of bullshit.
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