If you want the rest of the story, Paul Harvey, please take a moment to read the archived months' missives.
Permanent Historical Record: 4/1/07
It's April, fool!
DNA thought about doing some "trick" on the website, something that you might believe, having no reason to doubt, something exciting, and then when DNA has got you, BAM!, pull the rug right our from under you, in the spirit of April Fool's Day. DNA realized in this case, how pointless something like that would be. It would not even be fun for DNA. Why? Because there is nothing to risk or gain. Let DNA prove it to you. Imagine that this is what was posted on the home page. This and nothing else:
Yesterday, DNA had a bizarre mowing accident, and both of his hands were severed. The music career is over, this blog has only appeared today because through a haze of morphine DNA has dictated the post to his faithful son, who has dutifully typed every word. Thank you for your support. This is the end.
Friends of DNA might have read this and have been truly freaked out. Those who don't know DNA might have stumbled upon this site after looking for sex toys, and would have been bothered that DNA wasted their time. Imagine, if they returned to the site the next day, and found out that it was all an April fool's joke.
The problem with April Fool's is that, lost to antiquity, the real reason why the holiday exists is because it is a time when Spring is springing, and nature herself is prone to flamboyant displays. People have been cooped up for a season, and need to act a little goofy every once in awhile as the days start to lengthen but the hard work of planting, making babies, and decimating opposing armies, has yet to begin in earnest for the new year.
Over time, this annual "airing your Winter goofiness out" was culturally institutionalized. Recently, it has been turned from a playful and lighthearted holiday to a vicious opportunity to make look like a fool somebody you really think IS a fool.
Well, nobody, even your friends who don't mind laughs at their own expense, appreciates being made a fool. DNA proposes that the day after April Fool's Day should be called "Punch Anyone in the Face Who Played an April Fool's Prank on You" Day. And DNA means sucker punch: sneak up behind, tap on the shoulder, cock arm way back to Kansas, and PUNCH RIGHT IN THE FACE. That would really be funny, huh? Now who's the fool?
Speaking of fools, Mr. Kamikaze and his family came to down to visit. Their kids are on school break, and so they graced DNA's house yesterday and today. We all got stupid, but Saturday night, instead of getting stupid-er on gin and sausage, DNA and Mr. Kamikaze, sitting in a couple of chairs in the living room, watching the repeat of SNL, just slowly drifted off to sleep after a margarita or two.
DNA hopes its like that when it turns 87, and the veil of night is falling for the last time over the tool's tired eyes. It wants to get up, and laugh until sunrise at the stupidest shit, but instead, it feels the tug of sleep at the corners of its mind. Finally it doesn't care if it moves again. It feels comfortable to simply be here, even if it is only for a moment or two longer, and then, like the needle of a record player at the end of the album, DNA's consciousness quickly spirals to the center, the label, amidst the soothing static of endlessly repeating white noise.
What happens next? Will God flip the record over and play the B side? Will God reset the needle and listen to the first side over again? Or, will God wait for the stylus to reset itself, and watch the next record automatically drop, and hope that the next son of a bitch is a little more entertaining?
Ahh, the greater mysteries. On a lighter note, tonight, while typing this blog, DNA called its dog, Buster, into the room right after DNA farted such a raunchy fart that the monitor quit working for a couple of minutes. And, the dog came in, mouth open. Buster was expecting some scratching behind the ears, but got a faceful of fart. Ha Ha! Dumb dog! April Fools!!
Permanent Historical Record: 4/5/07
Going on vacation, baby!
It's still a secret from the kids, but we're taking the family to Disneyworld. DNA has not been to Disneyworld before. Although the kids will certainly love it, DNA feels like it is taking a trip, head first, into the belly of the beast. Disneyworld is exactly what is wrong with our planet. The Walt Disney philosophy is what has ruined our planet. Others on the internet have forwarded this argument much better than DNA: This quote, from a review of the book, The Gospel According To Disney:
Pinsky, Orlando journalist and author of The Gospel According to the Simpsons, sets his sights on a larger, yet more elusive target: the Magic Kingdom. As Pinsky argues, Disney's cultural influence is enormous: "millions of children around the world know much of what they do about the practical application of right and wrong from Disney." The "Disney gospel" is simple enough in outline: believe in yourself, never give up, good will be rewarded and evil punished. Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.
This quote should send chills up your spine. Disney single-handedly indoctrinated generations of children around the world through "lite" versions of fairly tales and fables, removing the cultural power that Grimm and Aesop and Andersen had originally. Those folk tales taught the important and serious cultural lessons that have been replaced by frankly, immoral lessons about how to survive in the world. Don't see the parallels between a too clean and perfect Disney world and George Orwell's 1984? Walt Disney perpetuated a belief that man can control his environment, or provide a better version of nature than Nature itself. Otherwise, why have the gall to even call a "theme" park Disneyworld? What's the theme? A world remade in Disney's image, that's what.
Ask yourself, when watching the next Disney animated movie, particularly the "classic" stuff, where are the mothers in the children's world? Why are all the "bad" people darker complected? How come the whiny brats who disobey parents are rewarded (in the end) for their behavior? Why is it that every girl under the age of 21 in this country either thinks she is, or at one time really believed she was a "princess?" Know what happens in the real Little Mermaid story at the end? She don't get the prince, that's for sure.
Watch a show on the Disney channel, or any of the "kids" channels anymore. Ask yourself, especially if you are a parent: If your kid acted like most of those kids on TV, wouldn't you be putting a beat down so bad on your kid you'd make the news?
DNA doesn't think the Disney world is a "conspiracy" or anything like that. Not at all. It's blatant. It's obvious. It's in your face. It's selling damaged goods in Mousketeer packages like Britney, watching as she practically drips sex from the screen pre-eighteen, all the while espousing their commitment to 'wholesome family entertainment.' Does anyone wonder at all why Britney imploded? Wouldn't you?
So, you may ask, "If that's what you believe, then why are you taking your kids there?"
Well....
Hmmmmm.......
Good question........
DNA heard that Pirates of the Caribbean is still pretty cool (the ride, not the movies). Oh yeah, there are also the "adult" clubs at "Pleasure Island." Let the kids sort out there own moral compasses, DNA needs to do some Jello shots off of Minnie's pierced and heaving belly.
Since DNA will be gone for a week, don't expect anything new here for a bit. However, when DNA gets back, watch out. DNA is going looking for where the park employees hang out to drink and smoke weed. It will bring back pictures of it all.
As always, your comments are welcome.
On 4/5/07, DNA's old friend Ken said: You are as demented as ever. Only you could see the true evil in Disney, point it out, and make it stick in my head. I'll never look at Bell, Sleeping Beauty, Jasmine, or any of the other trampy female stars the same way again.
DNA aims to please, Ken. Glad to stick evil things in your head. It is nice to see you rummaging about the website, too.
Permanent Historical Record: 4/18/07
In To And Out Of The Belly Of The Beast...
DNA has never been to Disneyworld before. Neither has DNA's kids. Regardless of DNA's own private theories about Walt Disney, DNA was not going to spoil the experience for them. Purely from a pre-adolescent point of view, Disneyworld's Magic Kingdom and Animal Kingdom (the two parks we had tickets for) rocked. DNA can imagine how it must have been been, pre-vhs tape, pre cable TV, when the Disney franchises were exclusively available only on the big screen, or when families found a way to make the pilgrimage to Disneyworld. Even more than now, the Disneyworld experience would really have been something that stayed with you for life, even as an adult. DNA has a level of respect for what Disney accomplished, that it didn't understand before, particularly in the Magic Kingdom park: it is really more like Westworld than a theme park. When it first opened, it was an attempt to be immersive and interactive with the technology of 35 years ago. DNA can only imagine that as anachronistic and antiquated as the Country Bears look now, how amazing they must have looked then. However, there was something a little perverse and frankly risque about the Country Bears. See for yourself. "All the guys who turn me on turn me down!" Come on! The girl bear is talking about fucking. To little kids. To paraphrase: All the guys who stimulate me sexually are not interested in me sexually. It don't get much wronger than that.
In 35 years, a lot of things change. However, many of the Disney attractions have not. Why not? Because the park changed over time, and no longer served the Westworld function only; it also became an icon, and a destination that linked us culturally to a shared experience called Disneyworld. So, there is a kitschy factor apparent everywhere, anachronistic animatronic bears in one theater, while just a building or two away, state of the art 3-D film features. DNA has to admit, as a theme park, most of the rides were pretty tame, and worth the waits only to be able to say afterwards, "We rode such and such." But as a cultural experience, it was worth every minute. Through the entire experience DNA was at once underwhelmed by the lack of thrills and all of the "theme" window dressing on run of the mill rides, and overwhelmed by the perfection and efficiency of the entire operation. It was not a hassle to drive into. It was easy to get around. It was well laid out. There were never too long waits for rides. They made the wait lines part of the experience (smart). There were "fast passes" which were assigned times to quickly and easily ride otherwise busy rides. There were a variety of restaurants at a variety of price points (it was as cheap to eat in Disney for the family as it is normally any place we go out to eat). It was clean. It didn't smell. They obviously employ thousands of people to make everything work. DNA was surprised to see that most of the attractions were not rides per se, but more continuations of movie properties, and almost all of them had as their primary purpose to put you into a story.
Some were sadly out of date. Swiss Family Robinson didn't mean much to the kids. The Song of the South didn't resonate with anyone younger than DNA, that's for sure. Again, from an anthropological perspective, the images and how they have lost cultural relevance would make an interesting study.
Pirates of the Caribbean was strange. Most of the old ride was there, but mixed in with it were state of art animatronic Johnny Depp looking Jack Sparrows around every bend.
Lacking: Tron. Where was Tron? Also, the Incredibles. WTF, Disney?
Worth the price of admission: Space Mountain. Also, for the kids, the night parade, and the fireworks. Every night their fireworks are 10 times better than most town's 4th of July fireworks.
DNA is not going to turn this into a critique of every ride in the park (maybe later---DNA has yet to see if the internet will yield up a good, honest review of the park)but quickly, turning to the Animal Kingdom, it was a zoo. That said, it was Disney's take on a zoo, which meant that there was a lot of style, with a little substance. Best part: the non zoo Expedition Everest roller coaster.
Even when Disney clobbers you over the head with artifice, the best example of that being the huge "tree of life," the centerpiece of the Animal Kingdom, Disney is so completely committed to the illusion that despite DNA's better judgment, DNA was not disgusted by the audacity it takes to bring the concept of the tree of life into a concrete form six stories high; it was mesmerized by it, by the single-minded purpose that is evident from the time, money, artistry and scale of the Disney vision. DNA can only imagine that the grandiose gestures, and feelings of wanting to believe in the Disney vision is like the feeling that must have swept over the population of Germany in the 1930's......
Okay, Disney is not like that, not so much the world domination at the expense of an ethnic minority, but DNA left the parks with the reverberating feeling that Disney is really good at one thing: illusion---making concrete look like mud, so safari trucks bumping along the road give you the impression that they are traversing a muddy road in Africa. In one respect, Disney is high concept--'what if Experiment 626 were really escaping from its detention cell and you had to stop him' but in another respect, Disney is low brow delivery---sensory gags, especially with smells, visual tricks, and animatronics. Like most illusions, they are fun to look at, but when they are scrutinized too carefully, lose their shine.
DNA is surprised that no one has yet come up with the bright idea to invite Disney to create the supply chains and service structures necessary to fully and completely serve a city that needs to be rebuilt, like, say, New, Orleans, or Bande Ache, Sumatra. For a time, if you remember, there was talk of the "Disney-fication" of New Orleans, with big money developers buying whole neighborhoods and putting up expensive housing. That, however, is not Disneyfication. That is commercialization and gentrification. Disneyfication would be to take something messy and organic, and make it efficient with the impression of organic flow when necessary to fulfill the needs of the population. Disneyfication would have included raising the lower 9th ward by 20 feet, carting in rock and dirt to raise the city above sea level, in a momumental but effective way to reduce flood risk. Disneyfication would have eliminated the "pretty mess" we seem to like so much. After the brainwashing that occurred in "It's a Small World, After All," DNA is no longer sure that Disneyfication is bad. Life would be a lot less stressful if we didn't have to worry about garbage pick up or housing designs or eccentricities, if criminals simply "went away" when the brightly dressed incarceration units came to present the indisputable video evidence of the criminal's actions, and citizens could pass judgment through wireless internet courts in which every citizen could be jurors and vote on decisions immediately. The rehabilitation center, located away from all main thoroughfares, yet still within the heart of the city, would actually work, and criminals would come out rehabilitated, and earnestly desire to help others function in society. There wouldn't be room for dissension or bad thoughts because so much of your time would be spent fulfilling your purpose---to provide for the common good.
Sound Orwellian? There are worse worlds to live in. Like the one on the campus of Virginia Tech, or the one in which scumbags put acid on children's slides, hideously burning unsuspecting toddlers.
As always, your comments are welcome.
Permanent Historical Record: 4/20/07
More About Disney, and Other Miscellany
One of the most important elements of the Disney experience that DNA has never heard anyone else talk about was the sound. The sound was noticeably good everywhere you went. Not just on rides, which DNA will get to in a minute, but throughout the park, as parades went by, over public address systems, etc. And not just high quality, but synchronized so that doppler shifts were not apparent. Think about that for a minute. DNA has tried to figure how difficult it would be to either create the illusion by "pools" of sound to trick you into thinking that the sound is continuous with no shifts in wavelengths, or to delicately delay or advance recordings from some relative position in the park to reduce the doppler effect. So again, Disney is really good at creating this sonic illusion. DNA knows that most of the illusion is provided by effective use of walls, water, and crisp but loud PA systems. Think about how loud a PA has to be to be heard over the noise of a roller coaster. This was perhaps the element of the parks that impressed DNA the most.
Other miscellany: DNA has completed basic tracks to four new songs (well, three new, and one cover). Now it's just a matter of time until DNA can wrangle H.O.G. back into the studio to record the solo tracks.
While DNA was traveling back from Florida, first, it had to drive I-75 through Georgia. Let's just say now for the record, that driving through Georgia on I-75 SUCKS. It's three lanes of 80 mph mayhem with no lane designated as the "slow" or "fast" lanes. One minute DNA would be in the center lane, going 80 mph, but traffic would fly by in the left and right lanes, and then 10 seconds later, traffic in the left lane would slow to a crawl while semis would be barreling up behind it at 90 mph plus. So, respectfully to all the drivers on I-75, DNA included, "Fucking learn how to drive."
Then, on the way, it took a detour to Knoxville, to visit with The Reverend. DNA had a chance to catch up with him, play some new music, and it is possible that Reverend Scotch will be at the Hangar show on June 23rd. If so, DNA promises that he will get up on stage and he will show you his nipples. Until then, enjoy Jacksonville, you dirty old sombitch.
Tomorrow, or at least by this weekend, another sample of a new song, called "Chance and Opportunity" will be up on the website. It's not finished, but give it a listen, and tell DNA what you think.
Mr. Kamikaze's biggest fear about the upcoming show is that DNA will expect that we will play way too much stuff for any drummer to learn in one practice. This is probably true. Particularly when DNA wants to do a half dozen covers, as well as a half dozen new songs, plus most of the stuff from the latest album, and most of the stuff from the last two albums. The world may end June 24th, so DNA figures, given the choice of playing it all badly, playing half of it half-assed, or playing a few songs really well, it would rather play it all, baby. Who is DNA playing for anyway? Just get real drunk when you come out and see the show.
As always, your comments are welcome.
Permanent Historical Record: 4/25/07
It's time to try something new, and prepare for something old...
Okay, the new is a nice little powerpoint DNA put together as a memento of the recent trip to Disneyworld with the family. Here is one picture from it:
If you really want to see the whole powerpoint, (it is huge) please email DNA and DNA will send it to you.
The old, at the risk of being pedantic, and treading over tired ground, is a couple of points DNA has to talk about soon, for therapy. Didn't you know? You are part of DNA's therapy group. It doesn't matter whether you listen, or respond, it only matters that DNA is exercising its mind right now, no, exorcising its mind right now. There are some big topics out there, that DNA must talk about, if for no other reason, so that perhaps one day his son will read this and understand what DNA really thought at this time, when it still actually cared enough about the world to talk about it, and wasn't spending all of its measely retirement money buying the cheapest cat food it could afford to eat in a vain attempt to delay the Reaper.
But not today. Look for long-winded, overbearing, flippant essays on gun control, abortion, the death penalty, religion, creationism, evolution, the supernatural, and the universe,in the next few weeks. Yes, DNA is determined to break every rule of expository writing in discussing topics like these. Teachers say things like, "Write what you know." Well, you know what? DNA is firmly convinced that it knows at least as much as most of the fuckwads who spew shit out every day, and about any topic you care to mention. And if DNA don't know it? He gots this secret weapon called reading. If DNA don't know something, it reads about it, and like magic, knowledge appears in its brain. Teachers also say things like, "Stay away from essays on abortion. Whole books are written on that subject, and you are unlikely to to anything except inflame someone's opinion, not enlighten someone." Well, guess what? Sometimes flame is better than light. And, despite the fact that whole books are written on certain subjects, DNA has yet to really hear a good argument framed which covers the common sense points about some issues. Does that not beg someone with a brain and a voice to think and speak? In lieu of someone, DNA will step forward.
DNA looks forward to more hate mail. Once the argument starts, prove me wrong.
As always, your comments are welcome.
Permanent Historical Record: 4/26/07
Synchronicity
So yesterday, DNA talked about Disney and hinted that it would take some time soon to write some overarching philosophical crap about most of the hot button issues of the day, for therapy, and for posterity. Well, guess what DNA sees when it picked up the March 2007 issue of the National Geographic (which had been laying about the house for a month or so)?
Page 96: Orlando Beyond Disney. Page 78: Cosmic Explosions. And throughout the letters to the editor, the gamut of reaction to an article about evolution from the month before. Go to the online version for abridged versions of the above articles.
So, some smart reporters with facts and national reputations have done some of DNA's work for it. According to the principles of synchronicity, all DNA has to do now is think hard enough about the next topic it wants to write, and someone else will write the article instead. Okay, here goes. Wait, maybe you can think along with DNA. Put your head against the monitor and think, "Abortion. Gun control. Fundamentalists." C,mon, do it. Leave a greasy circle from your forehead right in the middle of the screen. Fine. Don't. Synchronicity should work anyway.
Permanent Historical Record: 4/30/07
Like a hot dog....
Mostly filler. Yeah, DNA knows it will archive this page shortly, and it also knows that once archived, most of this shit will never see the light of day again. So, before DNA's magnum opus, it will spend a few moments of your time pointing out some small but interestng things that have happened recently.
First, DNA has had this page bookmarked for years, buy if you do not, for God's sake, do so. The site is Astronomy Picture of the Day, or APOD, for short. The latest Hubble images should prove to you that God exists, that's how awesome they are.
Today, on the way to a drive in movie, DNA witnessed the depth of stupidity: dude on a motorcycle, you know the type, muscles, flat top, looking like a marine without ever having to actually have the real courage or convictions (well, probably a conviction or two) of a marine, wearing mirrored shades, with HIS HELMET TIED NEATLY DOWN ON THE OPEN SEAT BEHIND HIM. That's right. He spent the money to actually have a helmet which matched his bike's paintjob, had the presence of mind to bring it with him if he needed it for some reason, but elected not to wear it while hurtling down the interstate at 75 mph. DNA looked at the wife, and said, "That's the dumbest thing I have seen today."
Late last week, one of DNA's daughters, age six, was wearing some fairly trampy stuff for a six year old. DNA said, "You can't wear that top with that skort." She replied, "Sure I can, Dad. It's white. White goes with everything." DNA was impressed. Culture is an insidious little beast. All it takes is a different point of view to change the argument. Impressive or not, however, she did change her top.
Oh, this is something DNA was laughing about, for two reasons. 1. It is cool, and 2. It is sad. DNA sold some records in Europe and in the UK. Cool, because the DIY model that DNA is employing to sell product is working, and it is exciting to see that some people actually bought some stuff overseas just because the saw it, heard it, and liked it. They like me. They really like me. DNA is big in Denmark. It is sad because somewhere deep inside the DNA Vibrator, he really wants to believe this is a validation of some kind, that he really is an international rock star. Like, this is what happens to Mick Jagger in the morning. He gets up, checks his CD baby! webpage, and high fives his kids when he sells three records in Europe. That's right! Hey, you, get off of my cloud!
Stay tuned in May and June. The fireworks will start early. Also, in the next few weeks, DNA will start posting all song lyrics on the website. For all you who have downloaded songs, (and that is many) DNA hopes you come back for a little extra content.
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