May, 2007

May is officially prep the world for the return of The DNA Vibrators. Triple Whip, Nonagon, and The DNA Vibrators will shatter all of your previously held conceptions of music at the CD release party up at the Hangar on June 23rd, 2007.

This blog page removes what others may consider certain expected blog features, but removing those extraneous bits makes the blog more conducive to reading through from start to end, like a book. It is stripped down to the essentials. The DNA Vibrator may provide links to other sites or information it references ONLY if it suits the purpose of The DNA Vibrator.

Permanent Historical Record: 5/2/07

Dropping the A-Bomb!

DNA has threatened to write about politically, socially, religiously, and culturally charged issues for some time. The problem with this kind of writing is that for most of the issues, other people have weighed in more eloquently than DNA possibly can, because they have had the time, resources, intelligence, personal connection, and/or distance to present sound and rational arguments. The problem is also that just as many wingnuts with axes to grind and passionate, illogical, unreasonable arguments shout louder than the rest of us, and make entering a debate not particularly attractive.

So, while the nation of sheep graze, loudmouths set policy, and despite the best intentions of voices of reason, *modest proposals* are ignored and lessons of our past are forgotten, unlearned, and/or repeated.

When we get to big issues like abortion, which is the first issue covered by DNA in the Wharburton Series of Internet Rants and Various Spoutings Off and Other Bullshit, (WSIRVSOOB, for short) it seems to DNA that the best way to distill its position on this issue is to ask and answer a series of defining questions that will help clear the moral battleground. Along the way, DNA will attempt to expose bullshit and myths perpetuated by various sides of the argument, discuss those points, if it can find any, that make sense. DNA will attempt to do this without pandering to any cause, except its own.

This will be a voyage of discovery, because at the time of this writing, DNA is not decided on this issue. DNA thought it was decided, years ago, but has thought about many, many unresolved questions that keep popping up. So, right or wrong, whether it fits DNA’s decidedly selfish and leftist bent, DNA will try to come up with the best answer it can for itself.

This sounds awfully serious, so right about now, we should all shout, “ratfuck!” Don’t let the gravity of the issue weigh you down, Einstein. That’s the problem with most people who start to discuss these kinds of issues. They get bogged down in dogma or politics, or get pissed off because they felt that somebody was calling them ignorant, so they put up walls which have as their only function to stop logic and reason at the gates of the debate. So, Gorbachev, tear down this wall!

Rule Number One: In this debate, do not believe what you find on the internet, in books, or from some expert, this writing included. If you do a search on Google for “abortion,” you will get about 158,000,000 hits. Go read them all, DNA will wait. Okay, back? The first hits look they are from sites designed simply to give information, but within the first few sentences, you come to realize that they have a very specific slant. DNA wonders what that slant would be? We’ll talk about that in a second.

Rule Number Two: Most sites you look at might be called something like, “The Abortion Information Clearinghouse,” which about 2 pages in you realize is sponsored by the “Christian Coalition for Protection of Life which Begins at Conception.” In other words, not only are the sites deceptive in their design and purpose, these liars are supposed to be pious people, following, you hope, a moral compass set by God. In short, they should be more virtuous than you, but are clearly not above trying to deceive you or make you feel guilty. DNA doubts that God told them it would be okay to lie if it scares the crap out of a confused, scared, and pregnant 13 year old.

Other rules will certainly become evident in the course of this writing. As they become clear to DNA, DNA will share them with you.

To set the stage, there is certain terminology which must be changed, because the terminology and the context in which the terms are used poorly frame the current debate.

Pro-Life: There are tons of links and articles that talk about the way that this term fails. People who use this term to describe their position would consider that being a person begins at conception, and that from that moment on, all of the rights, legal, moral, and ethical, are inherent because a fertilized egg is a human being. However, calling yourself pro-life would seem to cover a lot of ground. Pro-life people should be anti-death penalty, pro-gun control, and anti-tobacco activists, since the death penalty threatens life directly, and since guns and tobacco are also rampant and direct causes of death. Yet, there is no greater disparity in point of view among pro-life people. Overwhelmingly, they are the same people who support the death penalty, and are against regulating or banning guns and tobacco. Apparently, the sanctity of life loses some of its appeal once that human being grows up a little. As a close friend of DNA has said, “these folks aren’t pro-life, they are just pro-birth.”

Pro-Choice: Please. There are fewer articles that discuss the inherent weakness of this term, but the weakness exists, too. Pro-Choice people tend to believe that being a person begins sometime after conception, and some think rights for that fetus do not begin until it is born. Pro-choice supporters don’t really support all reproductive choices open to a woman. They are fixated on and determined to defend the choice to end a pregnancy. If they were pro-choice, they would spend equal amounts of time discussing every option available to a woman who is considering abortion, but pro-choice supporters fight this requirement in some states as being a strong-arm tactic by their conservative enemies (which, unfortunately, it sometimes is). For every dollar that the Pro-Choice camp spends on abortion education, they should also spend on education about the joys of motherhood, and, on every other form of birth control, abortion, and parenthood. Determining when a fetus becomes a baby, (from a religious point of view, when it is ensouled, or from a biological point of view, when it is viable, or from a societal and governmental point of view, when it is a citizen) is a hard to define slope that Pro-Choice supporters find themselves on. Instead of recognizing this, most supporters unquestioningly follow the Roe V. Wade banner as dogmatically as their counterparts follow theirs.

So, what do we do? DNA intends to use more direct, and frankly, better language to describe the opposing points of view. Pro-Life is now Pro-Birth. Pro-Choice is now Pro-Abortion.

DNA will now summarize the major planks in the Pro-Birth and Pro-Abortion camps. Then, DNA will take more time to discuss each of the splinters one can get when shuffling your feet along these planks.

A stereotypical Pro-Birth person is against abortion for almost any reason, including safeguarding a mother’s health. He is also against sex education, except for teaching abstinence to horny teenagers. He is religiously and politically conservative. He typically does not support social programs which teach birth control methods or supply birth control options. He does not support the use of birth control methods which prevent conception, or drugs which can halt the process of conception or implantation within 24 to 48 hours of having sex. He does not support social programs to help provide for the health and welfare of children born to people experiencing economic hardships. He does not vote to fund Child and Family Services departments in his state. This same person often “blames” a promiscuous mother, or the unwed mother, or the minority group Pro-Birth supporters assume that the mother must be representative of, for the mother and child’s state of affairs. As stated earlier, he supports the death penalty. In general, he is against governmental meddling in his life, particularly in cases in which his civil liberties are threatened.

A stereotypical Pro-Abortion person follows the language of Roe V. Wade to the letter, and believes that abortion is protected under the 14th amendment to the constitution, and is a matter of privacy and a woman’s right to control her own reproductive destiny. They generally feel that the standard to govern when an abortion can take place is linked to the viability of the pregnancy. However, they also believe that if the health of the mother is in jeopardy, that an abortion up to the moment of delivery is acceptable. They believe that sex education stressing contraceptive use, and safe sex practices should be taught in school. They support the use of “morning after” pills and other devices or medicines which will prevent the implantation of a fertilized egg. They tend to support social programs to support single moms, indigent families, the poor, etc. They tend to see that groups of people have been victimized by the system in place, which locks them in a cycle of economic hardship. They don’t support the death penalty, and generally feel rehabilitation is preferable to incarceration. When it comes to safeguarding the public health, they believe it is the government’s obligation and requirement to protect us from ourselves, and to regulate a variety of processes and activities.

Those are brief summaries of the good and bad points of each character in this debate. DNA will attempt to show that to every point, there is a corollary which in some instance invalidates the point. This proof that DNA will construct only works when the subjects of said arguments are polarized. If, on an issue, you can only be either 100% right or 100% wrong, then from a rhetorician’s point of view, your job is easy. You don’t have to prove your argument, or disprove theirs 100%. All you have to do is find one element of their argument that does not make sense. Once one element does not make sense, then ta-daa, their whole argument must be false, since the premise they operate under is that decisions about things like abortion are all or nothing affairs.

So the task before DNA is to find logical ways to find individual points in each argument which don’t make sense!

Let’s start by a point by point dismantling of both sides. This is fun, like surgery with chainsaws!

PRO-BIRTH:

1. Being a person begins at conception. Corollary: Prove it. Oh, wait, you can’t. It’s a supposition based on the idea that God imbues a soul in a being at that moment. Interestingly, the time at which God is supposed to imbue a being with a soul has changed over the years. It used to be at the moment when breath is taken---Adam was formed from clay until God breathed life into him. Early on, being alive was directly related to blood, hence its significance in most rituals, and it wasn’t until this fluid of life was formed in a fetus that the fetus was considered human. Biblically, the concept of when life begins has changed based on the era in which a person lived. So, the bigger question here might be, what constitutes being a person? Having life? Lots of non-person things have life---an individual blood cell, a skin cell, etc. In fact, sperm and egg might be considered to NOT be alive, but only have the potential for life. After all, each are incomplete, and do not replicate like other cells in the body to grow. After conception, when the two cells combine, then “regular” cell division begins. At that point, one could call the cells “alive,” but does that constitute a separate being? From the religious perspective, if person-hood begins at conception, then purgatory must be filled to the rafters with millions upon millions of beings who spontaneously aborted over the years without moms even knowing it! You would think God would have a better plan than condemning untold millions of 4 or 8 celled blastulas to an eternity of limbo because they were spontaneously, naturally aborted. Another question: What if a fetus developed with no brain? Nothing but the primitive brain stem functions, breathing, heartbeat, etc. This fetus goes full term, this baby is born, but there is no higher cognitive function. Would God enslave a soul in a shell like that? Some would say yes. DNA thinks most thinking people, even most religious people, would say that the soul is linked to a sense of a person as an individual being. DNA thinks that this level of cognition does not begin at conception.

2. Resolve the Pro-Birth, Pro-Death Penalty dichotomy that so many Pro-Birth people have. You can’t. If you respect the sanctity of life, then that sanctity must be preserved from natural conception to natural death. For those that don’t do that, the argument would have to be that some level of innocence, an innocence scale, if you will, is tipped toward a baby at conception, and then as the baby fucks up through life, tips away. In actuality, according to Christian beliefs, the opposite is true: a baby is conceived in original sin, and only when the person accepts Jesus as his personal savior is his soul redeemed. Until then, no matter how pious a person is, the person’s soul is still in the possession of Satan. So, following this logic, it is less morally reprehensible to kill an unbaptized baby, than to kill a redeemed mass murderer. This is why Pro-Birth people are conflicted. They can’t practice what they preach. Pro-Birth supporters feel it is morally reprehensible to abort a fetus, but some clearly have no compunction about killing doctors.

3. Many Pro-Birth supporters do not support the idea of abortion even in the case that bringing a pregnancy to term will threaten the mother’s health, or will result in a baby with virtually no chance of living once born. Again, this position artificially raises the value of the baby, simply because it is “innocent,” over the welfare of the mother, because, DNA guesses the logic goes, “she should have known better than to put herself in this position.” Because the mother had a choice (of course, in a small number of cases, she was raped, and didn’t have a choice) her life is now forfeit. Brilliant.

4. Pro-Birth people are against sex education, except for abstinence. Of course, this policy has worked well for generations. No one had unprotected sex as teenagers before the liberal media got to them. Commie bastards.

5. Acceptable birth control: abstinence, or the rhythm method. Little do they know, that God cares not what we call it, the rhythm method is simply another form of barrier birth control, except, instead of the barrier being a prophylactic, or an iud, or a hormone, it is time. When people try to outsmart God, by timing when they fuck so that their eggs and sperm are WASTED, and don’t stand a rat’s ass chance of being fertilized, why, that’s no different than masturbating, and God is clear, that masturbating and wasting your reproductive potential ain’t cool. Do “pious” people really think the rhythm method fools God? God sure must be dumb. Or, perhaps, we are. Either all or no forms of birth control are acceptable. There is no middle ground. God knows your intentions. Let the first Pro-Birth person come up and tell DNA that they have never had sex purely for pleasurable reasons, and DNA will get to point out the first big fat liar of the day! One of God’s commandments was to be fruitful and multiply. We did. Now, we can wither on the vine a little. As a side note: A government-funded study just today showed that there was no difference in the rate of pre-marital sex among those students taught a curriculum of abstinence and those taught safe sex practices.

6. Pro-Birth folks are typically against social programs to support moms who need help with their babies, and are also against governmental meddling in people’s affairs. This is the main reason why DNA calls them “Pro-Birth.” They’ll bomb abortion clinics and lobby congress and spend millions to overturn abortion law, but are not interested in funding social and governmental support programs for the CHILDREN that these babies grow into. “That’s not my problem. I had it tough when I grew up, but I worked hard, and it paid off. She can do the same.” Right. Poor minority single mom, can’t get a loan for school, can’t afford health care, and is discriminated against racially, socially, and morally, she got it hard like YOU did. Give it a rest. These Pro-Birth people are against governmental meddling in their own affairs, but have no problem attempting to legislate their morality onto us. How many of them, DNA wonders, have their own dirty little secrets, locked in closets, hidden by the “vacation” that their daughter took to her aunt’s house in the city over the summer she turned 13? Why is it that so many of the cases of incest, rape, divorce, and back alley abortions come right out of the Bible belt? Is it the sick smell of hypocrisy, DNA wonders, in the air down there?

Alright now, PRO-ABORTION:

1. A woman’s right to choose her reproductive destiny is protected under the 14th Amendment of the constitution, so says Roe V. Wade. What about a man’s reproductive rights? Seriously. If a woman receives special consideration simply because she is the vessel for the child’s growth, then under the constitution, a man’s civil rights are potentially being denied. Here’s an example. Man and woman have sex. A sperm and egg unite. 9 weeks later, the woman takes a pregnancy test. She is pregnant. She decides to have an abortion. However, the man’s property, the sperm, supplied ½ of the potential for life there, and as such, his claim to the potential life developing is equally valid. She may be carrying the luggage, but perhaps, he paid for dinner. Meaning, she might be performing the labor in the partnership, but he is providing the capital. Under law, a man should have a claim here too. I am surprised we haven’t seen this challenge to Roe V. Wade yet (maybe we have, DNA just hasn’t done the research).

Next point: the 14th amendment is pretty shallow legal territory to base the argument that a woman’s body, including reproductive capability is hers to do with what she wills. Read the 14th amendment. You’ll see what DNA means. DNA has a feeling that we will see this ruling overturned, and law will revert to how it was before the ruling, in which states would form their own laws governing the practice of abortion.

2. The standard to govern when an abortion can take place is linked to the viability of the pregnancy. Well, that is a slippery slope. 20 years ago, a baby born at 28 weeks had a very low chance of survival. Today, a baby has been born at 22 weeks and lived. Does this mean that 20 years ago, simply because technology had not advanced enough yet, that a baby born at 28 weeks was less of a baby than a baby born at 28 weeks today? Of course not. Viability is an unsound criterion. We can expect that there will be a time in the future that a fetus may be supported outside of the womb at 20 weeks, or 16 weeks, or that artificial wombs, or surrogate wombs could keep a pregnancy viable at very early dates. What then? If viability is your standard, then you have effectively ruled out abortion at any time. Hooray! The advance of science means Pro-Birth supporters wins.

3. There has to be an exception for abortion if the mother’s health is in jeopardy. The problem with this little line, which sounds reasonable enough, is that health has been very broadly defined, so much so that Pro-Abortion people use that “health” exception to allow just about anybody and anytime in a pregnancy to abort. There are too many incidences of the “health” issue being something that is not life threatening, but simply being life-altering, or life-inconveniencing. That kind of behavior by Pro-Abortion supporters undermines the necessity for real health exceptions.

4. If Pro-Abortion supporters were truly Pro-Choice, they would recognize that abortion must be considered a last resort option, not the “I can’t have a baby! I won’t be able to fit in my prom dress” option. And that any option that does not involve surgery, any option which does not involve the moral dilemma of potentially becoming a baby murderer (if you believe the whole baby ensouled at conception thing), any option that demands that a person must behave responsibly sexually, those options should be given more priority than abortion. But, that is not the case for Pro-Abortion people. This is why, eventually, their position will fail. They are not pro-choice. And nobody likes liars.

5. Generally, Pro-Abortion supporters do not support the death penalty. Again, this dichotomy defies logic. It’s okay to kill a baby, but a murderer should be given a chance for rehabilitation. The corollary here is that killers are made into killers by society, so society has an obligation to them. It’s not their fault they were bad. In fact, if they had been aborted, and not subjected to horrible alcoholic parents and too much Fred Durst and Brittney Spears, they never would have been so miserable to begin with. So, since as a society, we missed the boat when the dingy was still in the harbor, we can’t just sink the ship now. That wouldn’t be fair. Another example of how the left equates “fair” with “right.” Completely insane.

6. The government has an obligation to protect us. From tobacco, from big business, from pesticide companies, from unscrupulous businesses which ruin our environment, and even from ourselves. We have seat belt laws, and motorcycle helmet laws. Yet, make one argument that this obligation of the government might extend to protect a potential baby, and watch out. That tree-hugging, granola eating, sandal and patuli wearing hippie chick is likely to take the government’s hand (normally they are happy for a government hand-out) off at the shoulder. Isn’t extending legal protections to an unborn child a reasonable extension of social programs that most Pro-Abortion supporters rally behind?

THE VERDICT?

Both sides argue from untenable positions. Neither side follows the logical conclusions of their various arguments, and when most of the planks of their platforms are examined, the holes left make up more of the platform than the planks do. Both positions are filled with logical flaws, both take hypocritical stands. But surely, there has to be a “right" and a “wrong” on an issue like this. You ain’t gonna punk out on us, are you DNA?

No.

But before DNA comes to its conclusion, let’s hear what both sides get right: A Pro-Birth person is also for the sanctity of “traditional” social values, which include monogamous relationships to provide a stable home life for a baby. They help to really make people listen that there are consequences to sexual activity. Sexually-transmitted diseases, blood-borne diseases, these can and should scare a young person celibate, but also understanding that sex can sometimes lead to pregnancy, which complicates life exponentially, is probably the best way to teach young people to respect themselves and their procreative power. They do support religious and other cultural institutions which can be extremely supportive of the family, and offer moral and religious guidance and support. They support abortion alternatives like carrying a baby to term and giving the baby up for adoption. The Pro-Abortion person is driven by an overriding sense of social justice. The Pro-Abortion person is out to safeguard your rights, by not allowing the government to step in and prohibit decisions repugnant to his own moral code, based on another person’s interpretation of a different moral code or religion. The Pro-Abortion person tends to favor an individual’s rights over societal rights.

Those points are valid, and useful for us as a culture to support. So, how do you come to a conclusion about what position to support? Through a little thought experiment, and some life experience.

If a baby was born today, healthy and strong, would it have been okay for the mother to terminate the pregnancy yesterday? Almost everyone would say no, it would not be alright. Well, then what about two days ago? 10 days ago? A month ago? 8 weeks back? 12 weeks ago? At 12 weeks back, if the baby were spontaneously born, it would likely survive. Then, what about 16 weeks? Now we are getting into the time frame of current medical viability. At this point, the fetus, if spontaneously birthed, would probably not survive, nor would a doctor order the baby to be resuscitated. But for the vast majority that die 16 weeks premature, there have been a few that have survived. So medical viability could possibly be pushed back a little further, but most doctors would argue that anything before week 21 of development would just not be possible, because the lungs have not developed, and lungs need the womb to cook in. There is no substitute. So basically, you can see what argument is swaying DNA, the viability argument. What if tomorrow, a scientist discovers a new method of premature infant care because of improving technologies, improving understanding of how babies develop, or drugs, or whatever the reason, and pushes viability back weeks, or even to the beginnings of development? At no time in the evolution of medical science did the baby change. Only our understanding of it and our ability to keep it alive changed.

Here's the life experience part: Once you are a parent, often your views about abortion change, or become less abstract. Once you have the awesome, terrifying, and wonderful responsibility of totally screwing up a child yourself, then whether or not abortion is right or wrong means a lot less to you, because you love your child. DNA's wife has said, "I support a woman's right to choose, but it's not a choice I would make."

Since our understanding of when a fetus becomes a human being is subjective, since our understanding of what constitutes it as a separate being seems arbitrary, at least as arbitrary as the opinion of the Pro-Birth side (conception marks the beginning of life), then DNA has no choice but to accept that because our understanding of what constitutes life is incomplete, arbitrary, and based on the limits of science which may change tomorrow, then abortion, as the practice is currently carried out, must be morally suspect. The logical choice would be for abortion to only be carried out in cases in which death is likely for the mother, and/or inevitable for the fetus, if abortion is not carried out. But, we can’t expect our mothers to accept this extreme risk to themselves unless society is willing to provide cradle to grave support for mothers and babies who need it, to provide social networks and programs for adoptions for all babies who mothers want to give up for adoption, to provide free and varied contraceptives to all who want them, to teach people safe sex practices, to create a positive culture for women so that they don’t equate their power only with their sexuality…you see where DNA is going with this, too, DNA hopes. Even though abortion as a “choice” is based on arbitrary criteria, since we don’t have the proper support mechanisms in place for our people who feel driven to get abortions, then we are stuck with it. It is as morally suspect to force someone who is ill-equipped to raise a child as it is to abort a pregnancy. It really is. DNA looked at God’s sin measuring stick, and the sin of pride is just as bad as the sin of murder. In short, we’re fucked.

As always, your comments are welcome.

Permanent Historical Record: 5/4/07

How Is DNA A Geek? Let Us Count The Ways....

The other day, DNA and its daughters were at Castle Perilous, a gaming shop. If you are not familiar with this kind of geekiness, its the kind that involves Dungeons and Dragons, miniature fantasy roleplaying figures, dice rolling, statistics, and about every unusual spin-off board game, Japanese anime statuettes, underground comics, a real funky smell, and a typical assortment of possibly college-aged guys playing Yu-Gi-Oh or Magic The Gathering around a card table. DNA knows it was only rock and roll which saved it from this fate. Instead of spending every Saturday memorizing the stats for the aspect of demogorgon, DNA got to touch some hot naked chicks, one of whom became its wife! Anyhow, DNA wisely reserved Wednesday for playing Dungeons and Dragons.

If you play D&D, you know it is a time consuming hobby, so DNA hasn't really played since it finished grad school. So, DNA was in the shop, just kind of looking around, with the intention of picking up something for its son, when Maggie, whom DNA affectionately calls Thing 1, said, "Dad, this is like a geek zoo." "Yes, honey, you are right." DNA used to be (still kind of is) one of the main exhibits.

The other day, DNA went to the comic book shop (World's Finest Comics in Carbondale,sorry, Dennis, couldn't find a web link)and picked up a new comic book. This is a whole other sort of geekiness, although there usually is crossover among D&D geeks and comic book geeks. Get a big enough town, though, and there is enough difference that separate stores grow for them. DNA purchased the Incredible Hulk. Loved it since the tool was a little kid. Back then, at about age 6, the tool would say the Incrahdinkable Hulk. The new storyline, World War Hulk, is pretty cool. You should feed your inner geek and check it out. The other comic DNA bought was....

The new Buffy the Vampire Slayer comic. Yes a whole other order of geekiness is involved with that property. The new comic is called Season 8, and it picks up right where the television series left off, and Joss Whedon (extra geeky points for dropping that name) is writing it, and its so awesome DNA just spit its bubble gum out and its nipples are hard, and...well, you get the picture.

Given the choice between a literary masterwork or a Conan graphic novel, DNA will choose the Conan graphic novel. Ignorant, and proud to remain so, is DNA.

DNA likes to build and paint models, and likes to paint metal miniatures. DNA enjoys playing board games like this. Geek train boarding immediately.

Oh, yeah, video games. Had the Sega Master System, the Sega Genesis, thought Nintendo was lame, got the Sega CD, had a Game Gear, and then, had to get a job. Then after the student loans were paid off (10 years of mind numbing labor and struggle later) got a Playstation 2. "Hey, DNA beat Champions of Norrath Return to Arms down both pathways, with all the side quests." Your response should be: "I'm sorry. During that same time, I enjoyed a healthy relationship with real people."

DNA was and always will be in a band, which sounds cool, unless you have heard any of the music on this web page, and then you know, like other cool but also very geeky bands, the cool factor only makes it okay for people to enjoy your geekiness for awhile.

Love bad sci-fi movies, love good sci-fi movies, about crapped its pants when the Sci-fi channel was created. Was a goon for Star Trek, Star Wars, Battlestar Galactica, Stargate SG-1 and Stargate Atlantis. "Star" is a Pavlovian response word for geeks. In fact, if there was a show called "Star Porcupine Licking and Running a Cheese Grater Across Your Nutsack," DNA would watch it, at least once.

DNA has to admit, if its got vampires in it, DNA will probably watch it or read it, even the mind-reducing gothic romance shit. Horrible. DNA is a bad, bad, geek.

Let's see, what else? Oh yeah. Writes a blog, and daily maintains a website about, about, well, nothing, really, with none of the humor of Seinfeld. Knows html coding. Chooses not to do the fancy stuff here.

DNA refers to itself in the third person. Pretentious, if you are famous. Geeky, if you are not.

Don't cry for me, Argentina. DNA is so totally super cool with itself, nothing matters. DNA knows, just like the vibe you get after watching "The Breakfast Club," and can identify with Anthony Michael Hall before his voice gets all squeeky and he does that fake crying and bullshit at the very end, we all got a little piece of geek lodged in us somewhere.

In the course of finding some of the links, DNA stumbled across this one, for the Landover Baptist Church. You owe it to yourself right now to go there.

As always, your comments are welcome.

Permanent Historical Record: 5/6/07

A Little Socialism Wouldn't Be So Bad Right Now...

Not the Stalin or Mao or Castro kind, but more along the FDR or even Karl Marx kind. A little bit of all of us giving so that all of us can benefit. DNA doesn't dip into the political fray very often, but it has been ruminating on the particular topic for while, so here it goes.

In Illinois, the state in which DNA lives, people have been living with an electric rate which had been frozen (that is, regulated) by the state for the last 10 years. Power companies doing business in Illinois could only charge a certain amount. Everybody could count on that. Last year, Illinois government voted to deregulate power costs (who do you think was the lobbying force behind that move?). The promise of deregulation is that in a free market, power bids from other companies might actually be lower than the current spot at which rates were frozen, and that in the end, consumers would reap the benefit. In actuality, since one or two power companies owned all of the electric facilities, poles and wire, when other companies bid on supplying Illinoisans with power, their bids had to include the fee that the big companies charged the outsiders to use their power facilities, poles and wire. So, even though they could bid lower for the actual electricity, they had to pay (and include in their bid) the costs to rent the other stuff. The big companies would charge anything they wanted for the use of their stuff, so in the end, only the big companies got the power contracts. Guess what? In the first three months of the new deregulated scheme, power costs have risen from 50% to as much as 300% for some consumers. Now, the state legislature is crying foul, because people are outraged, but enough lobbyists are lining the capital, that despite weeks of pressure, after a bill reached the senate floor to re-freeze prices, the leader of the senate, Emil Jones, pulled a rarely used parliamentary procedure to edit the bill minutes before a vote. After it was gutted, no one could support it, and it failed. Now, it turns out that Senator Jones has a family member who works for the parent company of one the electric utilities. It doesn't get much fishier.

When the bill was being crafted, at first the electric companies suggested that if it didn't get to charge higher rates, perhaps emergency services which we all take for granted might be delayed. Then, they realized this was certainly biting the hand that feeds, so they changed their tune. The said that if they didn't change the rates, their companies would go bankrupt. However, they could never explain how in January, when they were charging the frozen rate, they were chugging along just fine, but in February, if they went back to that rate, they would go bankrupt. In the last couple of weeks, the play has been as follows: The companies are saying that they have listened to their customers, and relief packages and rebates are ready to go to those hardest hit by rate increases, but only if the state does not pass a rate restructure bill. Unfuckingbelievable. Somebody, and DNA hopes it is chosen, needs to kick each of these guys in the nuts, every single one of them, unless the executive or senator is a woman, and then she needs to be punched in the uterus. Dumb fucking sons of bitches. Outrageous thing said after outrageous thing said, and in the meantime, the big companies have been raping downstate Illinoisans, especially.

What will happen? It's hard to say, but the options are as follows: Freeze the rates the the pre-deregulation prices, and then negotiate a better deal with the power companies. Or, continue to argue in the legislature, and come to no solution for consumers. Or, the governor has suggested that the state take over the power grid and administer it. If the governor really means take over, as in claim public eminence and claim the power grid, and be an actual power supplier, DNA is actually for it. Normally, DNA is a fan of smaller government, but not in this case. The "free" market is rigged, in favor of the big guys.

Now applying the same logic, look at the bigger picture, particularly health care and gasoline prices. Nothing stops our government from stepping in and regulating the industries in question. Nothing, except for our government. Ask yourself, how can a drug cost $100.00 a pill in the U.S. and the same pill, made by the same company, can cost $20.00 in Mexico? Because the drug industry is unregulated. Shareholders' income means more than the welfare of the nation. DNA thinks and hopes that the next guy in the White House might consider that the health of the nation is being threatened by the unfair practices of big corporations, which would surely listen if the federal government stepped up and said, "We will not do business with you anymore if you continue to bilk millions of U.S. citizens out of billions of dollars just because they can pay your price." Most of these huge companies would not exist if it were not for the protections that the U.S. fought to create for international business. What if for one day, the U.S. stopped patrolling international waters, which many countries in the world complains is our overreaching authority, but at the same time, is thankful that they don't have to pay to keep piracy from looting their ships? What if for one day, the U.S. said to the world, "World, you are right. We have no business making sure your shipment of goods makes it safely from Singapore to here. Take care of it yourselves?" DNA has the answer to that question. By the second day, big companies who depend on the largesse of our people might remember the hand that feeds.

DNA will write much more about gas and healthcare, soon. Until then, remember, to plan your vacations so that you can be in Carbondale on June 23rd. Tell DNA in advance that you are going to be at the Hangar 9, and DNA will put you on the guest list. Why? Cuz you are special!

Permanent Historical Record: 5/7/07 Commentary To The Blog Posted on 5/6/07:

Posted by: Mr. Kamikaze

Remember when DNA's posts were funny? Me neither.

You have a short memory, Mr. Kamikaze. Wait, do you mean funny-ha-ha, or funny-kind of strange, or funny-miserably pathetic?

DNA has one: How about, funny-DNA will stomp a mudhole in your ass the size of Texas? [: ) Unfortunately, Mr. Kamikaze is right. This blog is not supposed to be therapy for DNA, although DNA has said as much in previous posts. It is supposed to be absurd. Don't think so? Come on, reading a blog by someone who calls himself "the DNA Vibrator," like that is supposed to mean something cryptic or important? Lighten up, DNA. The world gets enough bad news and sub par commentary about our state of affairs without this blog. So what if DNA has all the answers to the problems of the world? Fuck the world. Let's talk about titties!

Permanent Historical Record: 5/8/07

Playing The Moat House

Before DNA gets to this topic, to pick up on the previous thread: Titties are awesome. Just saw a comedy special by Rodney Carrington, and his song, "Show Them To Me" was worth the whole show.

Back in 1987, DNA was in a band with Mr. Kamikaze called The Watch. This is pre-Nightsoil Coolies, pre-Monster Truck, pre-Crank, pre-DNA Vibrators. This was the first actual organized band that DNA was involved in in college. It was this band, before it was named, that included Matt on guitar/vocals, Chris on drums (a hometown friend of DNA), and DNA on bass. We sucked. We tried to play Sammy Hagar songs like Rock Candy. Matt was intuitively gifted, but had no formal training, and musically, was kind of rigid, a tough trait to have if you ever intend to play out live. Chris was, well Chris was a terrific guy, but was a drummer in need of rhythm. We floundered, but DNA would come home after practicing, and talk with Mr. Kamikaze, who DNA knew was a good drummer, and their views about how to make songs work just clicked. After a short while, DNA talked with Matt, and suggested that Mr. Kamikaze become the drummer. Mr. Kamikaze came out to where we practiced one day (at Chris' house), and played drums with us (on Chris' drums). This was before Mr. Kamikaze had a drum set of his own down here. DNA can't tell you how awkward this was. This was a bit like going over to your friend's house when your friend wasn't home, seeing his girlfriend, and requesting that the new guy you brought over could bang her while everybody else watched, and she said "Sure, as long as Chris doesn't find out." Well, Chris found out. Chris kind of showed up while Mr. Kamikaze was playing with us. At first, we were bitches, and tried to play it off, like, "Oh Mr. Kamikaze just wanted to hang out, and while we were all here, we said what the hell, and started playing." Chris, however, was smarter than that, and frankly, was better than that, and read the writing on the wall. Shortly after that, Chris was officially out, and Mr. Kamikaze was officially in. Mr. Kamikaze was able to secure a drum set from a mutual friend, Mad Brad, a chrome set of Slingerlands, with HUGE mounted and floor toms, which sounded awesome, and soon became Mr. Kamikaze's trademark. It was at this time that DNA bought on payments Matt's old Peavey T-40 bass. We were officially a band. Because DNA was not up to the task of singing 70's and 80's rock classics, we began to audition lead singers. Out first audition was for a guy named Joey, whose voice soared like Getty Lee's, but who also was a bit of a pillow biter. Not that we had anything against pillow biters, but we were decidedly hetero, and he was very ambiguous. We couldn't find a good middle ground. After a few weeks, we listened to a guy named Mike, who could carry a tune, and more importantly, could play guitar and keyboard, and had his own equipment. At that point, our line up was set. We worked on covers, the aforementioned Rock Candy, The Tubes' White Punks On Dope, and wrote some of our own songs, too. The stuff which was influenced more by Matt and Mike sounded like 80's hair band or bluesy rock and roll, while the stuff influenced more by DNA and Mr. Kamikaze sounded more like the Sex Pistols or DEVO. In other words, we were headed for a break up. But until then, things were fun.

We can all agree from the beginning, that The Watch was a super gay name. It violated a couple of the basic rules about naming a band, (including "the" in the name), and we never really identified with the name. Were we the Watch? A timepiece? Security guards? Something worth watching? The answer, my friends, was not blowing in the wind. The answer was NO, to all of those questions. As bad as The Watch was as a name, it was better than Red Telephone, which was also in the running for awhile. At least Red Telephone had some background meaning for us. Matt was friends with the Royal Crescent (RC) Mob, a terrific whiteboy funk band from Ohio (shouldn't say that---their drummer, Carlton, was black). In particular, he grew up with Happy, their bass player, who was pretty damned fun to listen to. Well, RC Mob had a cool song called Red Telephone. We all liked the song. But, liking a song is no reason to name your band the song's title, unless you plan to be a tribute band for a group for whom that particular song title would be immediately recognizable. For example, if you went to see a band called Detroit Rock City, they better be a KISS tribute band. If not, you should be able to slash the tires on their van after the show, lying little fuckers.

So, for lack of a better name, we were The Watch. Out first big gig, (really our ONLY big gig), was a Springfest party at the Moat House. If you live in Carbondale, you know about the Moat House. If you were a student, you would eventually hear about the Moat House. The Moat House was a house built by an SIU professor, but quickly changed hands and became a sought out student rental property. It was surrounded by a moat, an actual medieval, pond surrounding your house, moat. Southern plantation style two and a half story tall columns in the front, six bedroom, mansion. It kind of had an upscale Animal House feel to it. It was the kind of place that you had to be invited to or know someone who lived there to go there, and was the kind of place that DNA would never have been invited to or would have known someone who lived there. So, it was surreal, through Mike, kind of our frat boy connection, that we were booked to play an all day huge blow out at the Moat House, at which we were going to get paid. We were on the bill with Fusebox. As the Coolies, DNA and Mr. Kamikaze would go on to play with Fusebox many times. Ralph, later the drummer for Crank, was the drummer for Fusebox. See how inbred we are? Bands are like sharks, and will eat each other in a frenzy if a little bit of talent is swimming free in the pool.

We're talking 50 kegs, lots of drugs, huge P.A. system, hot chicks everywhere, a guarantee of $500.00. At once loathing and loving it, DNA was pretty comfortable on the lawn where we would play. DNA had played in bands out live several times. Matt, Mike, and Mr. Kamikaze were less prepared. In fact, they were performance virgins. Matt said he though he was going to throw up. Mike looked like a deer in headlights, and Mr. Kamikaze was shaking like someone just forced him to do meth. There were several hundred people on the lawn in front of us, and when the time came, we sucked. At least, at first. Some of the stuff, particularly our own stuff, sounded pretty good. A song called "Death by Barbecue" was good, as well as a couple of covers, including "Crucial Barbecue" by Murphy's Law. Why did we have multiple songs in our small repertoire featuring "barbecue?" Years later, the band Crank would find that food was probably the best reason to go play out. We would get to go eat at new buffets where ever we went to play. Much later than that, the other guys in Crank besides DNA, plus some other Carbondale natives, would form the Carbondale Pork District, a professional barbecue team. Barbecue forms the bookends of DNA's musical heritage.

The Watch played out a few more times, but over the summer of 1988, we lost Mike, (it was horrible---climbing K-2, the sherpa had fallen in a crevasse, the wind was howling, things went white, and then nothing---or, actually, he just went home for the summer, and kind of called it quits) and Matt started to go a different direction than us. DNA and Mr. Kamikaze met Gone Brian Vaughan, and then, the rest is history. If you want that story, go read through the archives from the beginning. In one of DNA's first posts, it said that it wasn't going to post this Carbondale musical history in sequential order. Sorry.

After that first gig, Mr. Kamikaze and DNA have never been separated, musically. Unless you count the last 16 years, and several bands. Oh, and the fact that Mr. Kamikaze actually didn't play on the last DNA record. Or the next one. Strange, how that works, isn't it?

Were you there, at that Moat House show? If so, drop DNA a line about what you remember and it will bestow a gift upon you.

Permanent Historical Record: 5/10/07

Playing the Avalon...

Way back in October, 2006, DNA talked about a transcendent event, blog entry 10/05/06, which happened to it while it was part of the band the Nightsoil Coolies. DNA just kind of knew there was a God that night. It said that this would not be the last time it felt that way. It wasn't. A couple of years after that, in 1990, the Coolies played a show at the Avalon Niteclub on Belmont in Chicago. We had played there several times by this point, and now when we were booked, we got good nights to play, and generally made good money. This particular show occurred during the SIUC Christmas holiday break, and many SIU students home for the holidays came out to see us. We were playing with a terrific Chicago band called Grind, and everything was clicking.

If YOU haven't been to the Avalon (DNA guesses it is still there. It shouldn't. Bars do not have long lives. Even if it is still there, it probably has been completely remodeled. But, for the purpose of this remembrance, assume that it looks the same now as it did 17 years ago) it is a large, unassuming building on a corner, right next to the "L" train tracks. There is a lower level, and an upper level. The lower level has two separate dance floors, one which overpowers you upon entrance with techno beats and thunderous bass, black lights, and a writhing mass of skinny fashionable people. Down a long hall, another dancefloor and bar open up, with a band setting up, local, a second tier act. Amazingly, the sound from the first dancefloor is muffled to a hardly noticeable vibration in your chest, as the new set of sounds being pumped through the PA here fills your head. Radio-friendly metal---Bon Jovi, Motley Crue induce some righteous head banging amongst the group of college aged, but not college bound, kids, who are drinking and smoking and sexing each other up in the impossibly large number of dark corners this place affords.

Once you've seen enough of the local contractor's secretary getting pushed up on by a guy in a red bandana, you look upstairs, and discover your reason for being here. The place is large, an open penthouse or loft, with structural poles in the middle of the room. There are two large, well stocked bars at either end of the room, and across from a strangely beautiful view through large plate glass windows, is a stage which commands the attention of the patrons. Not because it is gaudy, but because it is the central feature of the room. A lot of clubs add stages when a manager thinks, "Hey, you know what would bring kids in here on Thursdays? Live music! Let's put a riser over there." This was obviously designed to be a venue for live music first. Patrons at either bar could see the band. You could get close enough to touch the band, but felt a gentle distance between the band and the crowd because of the geometry of the stage. It was not too high, but rose in multiple levels, but not so that if you were in the band, you would trip or didn't have full access to your area. It was like a gently rising hill, with the drummer featured in the back at the top, and the other players featured in different areas. From the front of the stage, you could see through the floor to ceiling windows, out onto the street below, across from the "L" platform and tracks. When the band wasn't playing, or the PA not booming, the rattle of the "L" trains added to the metropolitan atmosphere of the place.

An eclectic mix of college students, artists, musicians, oddballs, skaters, eccentrics, prefessionals, drunks, and hardcore motherfuckers filtered into the room throughout the night. Every once in a awhile, one of the Motely Crue room folks would venture upstairs, for a moment, and probably felt as out of place as you when you looked in on his little world, earlier.

Since you are in the band, after you get your drink tickets, you enjoy the down time. Earlier in the day, you had dropped off your stuff, set up for sound check, and then checked out the local music shops, and bought a leather jacket just down the street for $99.00! Grabbed a bite, and then meandered back up to the club. You sat down, shot the shit with a few of the recognizable faces, had one or two people who saw you the last time you were here comment that you rocked, and they were excited about tonight's show.

The first band was good, but you were more interested in the overall sound of the place. Things were simply cooking tonight. You had clarity, punch, volume, and no feedback. The light show was good, too. Simple, not distracting, but focusing on the right players at the right times. When the first band, Grind, is done, you help them back their stuff off stage. You have had a couple of beers, but over an hour have not felt even a tingle from it. You power up your rig, tune, and let the first few notes sing across the stage. It is kind of a contest, to see who can "suit up" the fastest, and get a nice sounding note out. Tonight, you win, though you don't think the other guys are competing. When you strap on the bass, and step up to the mic, you hear a rich, clean signal from the monitors, and know you are going to get a good mix from the mains. You can't help but smile. You are wearing your traditional "gig" clothes---a pair of cut-off overalls, with a NASA insignia on the front pocket, and one of a variety of cool t-shirts. Even though it is winter, you are not cold. This particular night, you are wearing the Salvador Dali t-shirt, with a print of a photo Dali made: the shape of a human skull fashioned from several posed nude women. This night would be the inspiration for your friend Gone Brian Vaughan to write the tune "Salvador Dali Print." The first line is: "Walking with your Salvador Dali print on your new t-shirt, dreaming about dead rock and roll stars, and why they never ever fade away...Hey!"

Gone must have seen it in your eyes, but it wasn't a dream. People begin to pack the place. The press of your friends is right to that invisible barrier which separates the band from the crowd. Even those you don't know have given themselves over to you, at least for that moment. You hold within your hand the power to keep them or drive them away. The first song we play is one we have worked up especially for tonight. You step up to the mic and say, "We are the Nightsoil Coolies, from Carbondale!" A roar and applause greets you back. Four clicks, and Mr. Kamikaze leads us into Led Zepplin's "The Ocean," which we play to completely twist up people's perceptions, particularly those who know that we rarely play covers, and rarer still that vintage, and as we chug through the bouncing train which is that soulful little song, we transform it into the introduction to our own song also titled "The Ocean," a ska influenced poem to mother earth, a song that many people there recognize. They were with you now, all the way, if you didn't drop the ball.

Some nights, it is hard to keep the momentum going, but tonight, so many people were already on the train, that although it was sometimes careening wildly, the motion and energy never stopped. About a third of the way through the first set, you notice it. You smile, you look around, and you feel detached, as though everything you are doing is right, in slow motion, and you realize that if you wanted, right now, you could do so much more, and with the briefest flicker of thought, you rip into the most tasteful little riff that fits perfectly with the fill that Mr. Kamikaze just laid down. People are smiling, moving in unison, some are singing along with you, and for a moment, you feel what they call the unbearable lightness of being. You know that you are simply in tune with the moment, and like David Blaine, could rise off the stage at any time. In fact, at one point you think that you really could levitate, but if you did, that might freak everybody out, and you don't want to stop what you are doing. If you could, you would do this, exactly what you are doing right now, forever. As you feel the sound, you see it ripple against the plate glass, reverberating circles of force like the "bullet-time" camera work from the original Matrix movie 9 years later.

Perhaps the Wachowski Brothers were there that night, too. That is exactly what you saw that night, and as disparate elements all clicked together for a few moments, once again, you were shown a transcendent power that made you believe in God, and doubt all religion----that made you believe in love, but doubt human motives.

All too quickly, the moment passed, and the gig was over. You mention to your bandmates that something special happened to you up there. "What? Did you fart?" "No. Nevermind." Those moments on stage are few and far between. You will never forget it.

Permanent Historical Record: 5/13/07 {REVISED 5/14/07}

Happy Mother's Day...

Okay, if you were at this site previously, you may have already read this post. However, DNA rewrote the late night ramblings it had written before and made the whole thing better. So here is the post originally from 5.13.07, done over. Better.

This was an eventful week, and the events aren't really connected, so this post will jump around a little bit. As students leave Carbondale and SIU, some students graduated. some were from the program at which DNA works, and some DNA will never see again. It is a bittersweet time, so DNA was glad it had the chance to go down to Pinch Penny Pub after work, and buy a couple of those former students a beer. Also, DNA loved Pinch's hot wings. While DNA was there, it saw a girl in only a long shirt getting wasted. Ah, college! And she thought she was the shit, because as she walked across the beer garden, she walked in time with the music, AC/DC's "Back in Black." That is pretty deliberately paced. A person just doesn't walk at that speed unless she owns the fucking place. At least in her head.

As DNA marveled over her lack of clothes and sense, DNA's mind drifted to the thought process of one of the waitresses---wearing black shorts, a Pinch Penny T-shirt, and 6 inch heels. Other waitresses weren't wearing those heels, so it was a personal choice. They made the whole outfit, what's the right word?---slutty. Slutty is not always bad, but in this case, it was like going over to your mom's house to wish her Happy Mother's Day, and while you were over there, helping her with her laundry, you put your hands on a g-string in her laundry basket. In other words, tight shorts, t-shirt and heels in a bar at 11 pm after you have had enough to drink that you think the waitress likes you is cool, but tight shorts, t-shirt and heels at 4pm when you are wishing your friends the best as they graduate this weekend, is pathetic.

Speaking of that, to all the mothers, here and gone, Happy Mother's Day.

Mom would be proud: DNA has officially started the process of going back to school. It plans to start a Ph.D. program in the fall. DNA doesn't expect that you will care, but it is telling you this now because it suspects that it will cut back the blogging for some time, starting in August. That is okay. DNA is a fast writer. If an idea comes that needs to be aired out, it will be able to knock it out. Expect these things from DNA this summer: A super double kick ass show on June 23rd and the Hangar 9 in Carbondale. A super double kick ass recording of the show which will be produced as a live record sometime after that. Another studio release before August. The release of the debut of The Akkademiks, who will rock and roll about Geology, among other learned topics.

DNA has the pleasure of living in the neighborhood of one of the last big drive-in theaters that has operated continuously since the early days of drive-ins. This weekend, the family saw Spiderman 3. DNA has got to tell you, most people thought it sucked, but for those who really like comics, and really understand the character of Peter Parker, this movie captured the dorkiness of the character. Parker doesn't and wouldn't know cool if it bit him on the hand in the form of a radioactive spider. Sam Raimi obviously is a fan of the older Spiderman. However, whenever a movie tries to squeeze multiple villains into the plot, you know something is wrong. This is true with previous incarnations of Superman, Batman, and now this franchise. This rule does not apply to "team movies," like the Fantastic Four or X-Men. Because the dynamic is an interpersonal one, you expect that multiple threats must confront the group. Regardless, Spiderman 3 is not so bad. A little long in the tooth, a few too many villains to make up for glaring plot weaknesses, but really captured for comic fans the essence of Peter Parker.

Since this weekend was Mother's Day, DNA would like to share a sweet mother story: After DNA's first child was born, it delighted DNA to no end one day when he angered his wife so much she called him a "mother fucker," to which he replied with a smile, "You're right." Was DNA wrong for being proud to live up to that epithet, or just male? DNA had been waiting for the day.

There is something funny to see when your wife realizes that a whole avenue of foul swearwords just got tossed out of the window. DNA had already pictured the scenario in its head, and it couldn't have unfolded any more perfectly, unless of course, she ripped her clothes off and then DNA's, cuz calling DNA a mother fucker and having her being the mother fucked instantly made her horny (which was usually how this scenario ended when DNA thought it out). However, she just said, "We can change that status (being a motherfucker) today if you like." Oh hell.

It seemed kind of like an achievement, actually fulfilling the description of a swear. DNA could never actually become a dick head, for example. Not really. But it could really become, and has often proved it is, a motherfucker.

Permanent Historical Record: 5/15/07

In The Presence of Greatness...

Tonight, DNA attended the local grade school talent show, in which his son, Spazz, jr., participated. Spazz, jr. has written two songs of his own. Tonight, he performed the song, "We See What We Want To See." He penned the lyrics, told Dad what he wanted to hear beat-wise, told Dad what kind of accompaniment he wanted, and wa-lah, cool little song about how we make our own reality, from a 10 year old (that's how old he was when he wrote and recorded it).

When he performed it tonight, the kids dug it, screamed after he was done, and during the intermission, lined up around the lunch room tables to get his autograph. Now that is both a sign of how starved we are for entertainment down here in So. Ill., but also how well he performed the song. At the end, as the music looped, he broke out into a robot-like dance which would have made Dieter from Saturday Night Live proud.

Of course DNA was excited for him, but also a little nervous. He is so unassuming, but pretty damned talented. He is a super dork, and doesn't always know the right things to say around other kids. Tonight, it was gratifying to see that some of the other kids didn't know what to say around him.

As always, your comments about your super-talented kids are welcome.

Permanent Historical Record: 5/18/07

Getting Into Fighting Shape...

After Mr. Kamikaze set The DNA Vibrator straight, we have decided that instead of sucking on 32 songs, we will rock on about 20. Earlier, DNA had said, "Fuck it, who cares, we'll suck. We'll play everything. We won't play again for another 10 years anyway," but smarter heads have prevailed. Besides, Mr. Kamikaze said, "Please."

DNA was sick this week, but is getting better every minute. Last time DNA played, it was sick for a month before and after, with a horrible case of bronchitis, or as we call it around here, "brown-chitis." We played, we had a great show, but DNA was so hopped up on cold medicine that he could hardly stand, and his voice was so hoarse that all he really did was croak most of the song lyrics (no one seemed to mind---or notice). Perhaps it is psycho-somatic, perhaps it is just chance, but this is the first cold DNA has had in months and months. However, positive mental attitude is the best medicine against a cold, that and cold-eeze, the zinc stuff, so between them, this cold is whipped. DNA is practicing its lyrics, charting out songs, creating a couple of new arrangements, which means that it will be in fighting shape by this time in June. The DNA Vibrators are ready to rock.

Look for an article in the Carbondale Nightlife before the gig, which will showcase Nonagon, Triple Whip, and the DNA Vibrators.

DNA invites YOU to be at the Hangar 9 in Carbondale, IL on June 23rd, 2007, because the next time the DNA Vibrators are ready to play, your kids will probably have kids.

As always, your comments, including your RSVP to the show, are welcome.

Permanent Historical Record: 5/20/07

For the Monday Fans...

DNA has found that many readers come by on Monday. 20 to 30 times as many hits on Monday as later in the week. It is probably that point in your week in which you set aside some time to read a blog or two. Maybe DNA helps you when you have a "case of the Mondays."

See, last night, DNA watched "Office Space" on Comedy Central. The first half of the movie is perhaps the best comedy that has been written in years. In that half, our anti-hero is told several times it looks like "he has a case of the Mondays." The pent up fury bottled by this trite response is described perfectly in this movie. Our antihero later asks his neighbor if his neighbor would ever hear someone at his work say he "had a case of the Mondays." The neighbor's response was that that kind of talk would get somebody punched in the face.

DNA is gratified that you take a moment to read this blog. Most of you who read are friends, and it is a nice, even comfortable, way to check in on your old pal, DNA. However, many are awestruck bystanders. In the end, there is no difference. All heed the words of the DNA Vibrator, whether they know it or not:>

Here is the Monday Song Report: Six songs are now in the bag for the new studio album. They are as follows: Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire; I Can't Be Your Robot; Big, Black, Cadillac; Paradox; Strange Love; and Chance And Opportunity. DNA's plan is to put together six more, wrap that pig up in a blanket, and cook it by August. As it works through the demos, it will post them up front and on the music page. There are several versions of songs which will make it in one form or another to the album. DNA would like to hear your feedback about some of the new songs.

Here's another special treat for the Monday friends/readers: Little bits of trivia and history which tie the people DNA has known in to its music.

The song, "This Song Was Written For My Friend Jim," was written for DNA's friend Jim P. Hey Jim, what's up?

The song, "His Name is Vinny," was written for DNA's friend Vince H. Hey Vince, nice talking to you the other day.

"Shoot For The Brain" was never the same after DNA's friend Ross F. shouted "Elvis Lives" in the background of the live recording. What's up, Ross?

"My Car's Lame" was written with love to DNA's sister. Love ya, sis.

"Life Ain't No Party" described a very real incident in DNA's brother's life. What up, Charlie?

The song "Funky 11" immortalized a special vehicle and time in the life of the Nightsoil Coolies. DNA knows that band members Mr. Kamikaze, Fish, and Gone Brian Vaughan visit here from time to time. Hello, brothers!

"I'm Trapped" was written about, well, if you know, then DNA doesn't have to say.

"Kathryn" and "Strange Love" were both written for that woman of DNA's, who looks over his shoulder from time to time while he writes. She says, "Which imaginary friends are you talking to now?" as DNA furiously types on the keyboard. This time DNA can say, "No, DNA is talking to its real friends, really."

So, friends, gawking bystanders, stop in, say hello. Stun me with your words. DNA might write a song about you. Oh, don't expect DNA to do this every Monday. DNA doesn't have that many friends or songs. If you want to feel special, write to DNA, and then every day on this blog will feel like Monday.

As always, your comments (this is where you write to DNA) are welcome.

Permanent Historical Record: 5/25/07

Good Morning Motherfuckers....

Let's call this one a rant, shall we? First off, DNA has seen that there are several new lurkers around the website. Good Morning. Make yourself at home. Download some stuff. DNA has also noticed that a a couple of spam wielding motherfuckers have also visited the website. Good Morning, Motherfuckers. You see the difference? One was a warm salutation. The other, an invitation to get your face slashed if DNA could ever identify you in real life. Since it can't, and probably never will, DNA will have to settle for slicing you up here.

If you were the dick that tagged DNA's site with meaningless shit in its guestbook, that wasted DNA's time to sort through, and worse, piqued DNA's curiosity and its hopes when it saw that indeed there was a comment left after its last blog post, if you are that douchebag, then DNA is....sorry. Your life must suck. DNA can't imagine how insignificant it would have to feel to waste its time doing an action which is actually less than nothing, an action, and there are truly few actions that do this, an action which actually detracts from the overall meaning of the universe, and in that respect, is not simply the opposite of energy, it's not negative energy, it is un-energy. It contributes to un-existence. It's a physical relic of your un-importance. It seems to be the only product your un-intellect can put forth. Prove me un-wrong, if you wish.

And if it were not spam, the message you left, among other keyboard errata, "A bad one," has no meaning for DNA. Do you mean to recognize that DNA is "a bad one?" You are not alone in recognizing that fact. But if you are referring to an element of the site, or a song, or perhaps one of the blog posts or articles DNA has written, then DNA wants to hear more from you. Please elucidate. Describe in 10,000 words or less your argument. DNA is a fast reader.

Until then, new and old readers, here is another update to the show: DNA, Mr. Kamikaze, and H.O.G. have been communicating back and forth via email. DNA thought it would share some of the "behind the scenes" conversations which are as much fun for DNA as the show itself.

From: Mr. Kamikaze

To: DNA, H.O.G.

Seriously, how long are we going to play? The CD's you sent me have over two hours of material, if you count, fuck-ups, strings breaking, and all the bullshit you will say between songs. The Hangar can suck it if they think we're going to play for two hours. Nobody wants to listen to us for two hours. Unless we were Phish, or some other art-rock bullshit.

Here's a Dose of Reality: 10:00-10:45: Triple Whip. 11:30-12:15: Nonagon (we can do it). 12:45-1:30: DNA Vibrators, encore (yeah right) until 1:45 (bar time, which is really closing time) and we're done.

Please. I'm begging you.

To which DNA responded:

Okay fuckers, how's this?

Here's my newly revised set list:

God Made Us Funky
God Made Us Funky
God Made Us Funky
God Made Us Funky
God Made Us Funky
God Made Us Funky
God Made Us Funky
God Made Us Funky
God Made Us Funky
God Made Us Funky
God Made Us Funky
God Made Us Funky
God Made Us Funky


Then we play God Made Us Funky Reprise, and we're done.

Or, We could do this:

Fistful of Cleveland
A Note To My OId Band
All I Want For Christmas Is A Whole Lotta Cash
138
Plate Tectonic King
Well
DEVO Was Right
Meow
My Car's Lame
Chance and Opportunity
Strange Love
Pharoah
Three Deaths of Juan Belmonte
Just Give Me A Drink
Big Black Cadillac
I Can't Be Your Robot
Cindy
God Made Us Funky

That gives us 18 songs for the set. With no breaks and no fuck ups, a minimum of talking and shit, I would estimate this will be about 75 to 80 minutes of material. I would really like to shoot for about 90. Let's go for this as our set list, but on Friday, also practice Girl U Want, Hey Kids, My Car's Lame, and Folsom Prison, just in case something sucks real bad.

I have figured out a way to do a medley of Fistful of Cleveland and Van Halen's Dead or Alive.� Step D.O.A. down one, and it is the same notes/progression as Fistful of Cleveland At the end of Fistful of Cleveland, I would like to go right into Dead or Alive.� MR. Kamikaze, don't roll your fucking eyes. It is not gay. Trust me.

I have included Dead or Alive for you to listen to, and think about how at the end of Fistful, when it kicks into the faster beat, it could go right into D.O.A. (if you skip the D.O.A. intro).

Smile, it will all be over soon.

//////
o o
_--_


To Which Mr. Kamikaze Responded:

I'll compare this list with H.O.G's and then look it over and compare it with mine.

....

my list...

is...

something...

like ...

this...

(if a blank stare could type it would look like this)

So, we're really doing this then?

I guess I should listen to the songs.........

To Which H.O.G responded:

OK, after waiting at home for like 45 minutes for my important e-mail to be downloaded over dialup, promptly saving DNA's attachment, then deleting the e-mail so I wouldn't have to go through this again at work, taking care of all the other shit I had to do this morning...

I am now at work perusing this set list...

...pregnant pause while I leave this message sitting and digest...

...excuse me a while longer, I need to go get some Tums...

...excuse me again, I have to actually do some work...

...OK, I'm back, hours later

1) DNA- stop thinking

2) Mr. Kamikaze- start drinking

"Official Set List"?
It ain't official till Mr. Kamikaze is clicking off the songs on stage at the Hangar, and we get past the first 8 bars...

I'm OK with DEVO Was Right but let's do a full-on hard-edge version. That would rock.

When did My Car's Lame enter the conversation? I don't begin to know that one.

Van Halen? Great song, but still gay. David Lee Roth...gay. Of course, let's face it - it's all gay.

I guess I'm cool with most of that. Will check back over previous lists for missing goodness.

DNA, are you working next week? Maybe fit something in thursday or friday.

My suck-ometer is starting to rise. I'd best plant my ass in front of Guitar Hero for a while.

H.O.G.

To Which DNA Responded:

To: Mr. Kamikaze, H.O.G.

From: DNA

RE: Who turned the Suck knob to 11?

Dear H.O.G. and Mr. Kamikaze,

The setlist is only "official" cuz Mr. Kamikaze needed reassurance, re: a couple of emails back, when he said "please" make the set shorter. DNA of course, still plan on unleashing about 30 songs the night of the show. Just joking, Mr. Kamikaze. Not really, H.O.G.

The "stop thinking and start drinking" advice is right on the mark, H.O.G.. But, really, DNA hasn't been thinking too much about the show.......okay, that's not true. DNA has been ruminating on it so much, when DNA takes a shit, it smells like the DNA Vibrators, and when DNA farts, it sounds like the DNA Vibrators. But, then again, that has always been the case.

Here is the reason why Everything Is Going To Be Okay, whether we play 20 songs or 30 songs: My Car's Lame: EGAB. Repeat 90 fucking times. Oh, yeah, there is a break in the middle, which goes like this: E. See? These songs are all the same [:0)

DNA is very much for making a full-edge, hard-on version of DEVO Was Right. Slow it down a little, and it would be gruesome. By the same token, the slow version of "Girl U Want" would kill, too.

DNA is planning on rehearsing all of the songs on the previous big set list, so if we suck on too many on this shortened list, DNA will be comfortable whipping a couple more out. DNA agrees with Mr. Kamikaze that we shouldn't play more than an hour to an hour and 20 up at the Hangar, though.

DNA thinks it is going to be a big show. DNA has had lots of people tell it that they are going to be there. The Nightlife will be doing a story featuring the bands, in the issue that comes out before the show. Chris assured me a couple of weeks back that a nice article was in the works.

Gentlemen, DNA is looking forward to kicking ass and taking names, DNA



See why DNA loves these guys? Wouldn't you want to play in a band in which you each think the other guy is a pretty talented motherfucker, but realize that nothing you are doing is really that important? That frees a person up to be creative, and to actually have some fun, every once in awhile. Who would have thought, at 40+, we'd still be talking like dorks and playing rock and roll that the kids (and by that, DNA now means his OWN kids) dig?

That's why DNA feels sorry for the spammer that has hit this site. That person isn't, and maybe can't, experience what DNA and company will. Spam-guy: THIS IS YOUR WAKE UP CALL. DNA WANTS A BETTER LIFE FOR YOU. CHANGE, ADAPT, OR PASS AWAY. DNA URGES YOU TO CHANGE. START YOUR OWN BAND. PLAY. PLAY IS MUCH MORE FUN THAN WHAT YOU ARE DOING.

As always, your comments, not your spam,are welcome.

Permanent Historical Record: 5/29/07

A Strange Visit To Music Mecca....

Over the Memorial Day Holiday, the fam decided to take a trip to Nashville, TN, just a couple of hours away from DNA's house. We went with the express idea of just having a good time with the kids. Our plan was to go to the Nashville Zoo, which we did. It was easy to get to, well laid out, but a little thin on the animals, actually. It is still in the process of being built. This is the new location for the zoo, and about a third to nearly half of the zoo is still under development. However, we had a great day trip, and the areas that were completed were very nice. DNA is a big fan of zoos, especially ones which are more focused on the animal habitats, and less focused on whether or not tourists get a good view of the tigers.

So, the trip to the zoo did not take the entire day like we expected. So, we hitched up the horses and rode out to the Opry Mills Mall, at Opryland, USA! Yee-fucking-haw! It was 90 degrees with high humidity, but shit you not, there were folks, not employees, not tourists, but obviously local Tennesseans wearing long-sleeve red plaid flannel cowboy shirts, shitkickers, and cowboy hats while they were doing their Sunday shopping at the mall. DNA felt like a cultural anthropologist. We very aptly went to the Aquarium restaurant in the mall, (very aptly, meaning, we were getting the Opry Mills version of Nashville, which includes all kinds of kitschy crap being packaged as cool). However, the restaurant was actually kind of cool, the food was good, and the huge saltwater aquarium which dominated the inside of the place was unique.

DNA felt culturally drained however, going to Music City and not really getting to see any really good music downtown, or going guitar shopping. But, wouldn't you know it, there was a Gibson Factory store in the mall. DNA didn't want to bore the family, but we did go into the store to check stuff out. Let's see, DNA saw a Les Paul for nearly $7000.00, and a nice Thunderbird bass for about $3000.00. Hell, even guitar straps cost $50.00. DNA's son asked, "Dad, who would buy this stuff?" DNA replied, "I would, if I could afford it. However, the last guitar I purchased cost about 3% of that Les Paul. I doubt I will be buying one soon."

There's nothing like a hungry man staring at the menu of a fancy restaurant. Sometimes staring is enough, it gets the brain to working, it gets you to imagine the taste of the filet mignon...

The coolest part of the store, however, was the actual Gibson luthier shop in which they were building a variety of Gibson acoustic guitars. That was worth the look, seeing guitars in various states of creation.

In the end, like the zoo, the guitar shopping at the mall felt a little thin. Sure there were some nice things to look at, but none of the stuff DNA could get its hands on.