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Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Who Put The Cunt in Country Music....

Okay, if that didn't grab your attention, nothing will. DNA has long lived by the motto, "Seem innocuous, Be virulent." Don't be the suspect, be the instigator. Don't be obvious, but be subversive. You get the drift. As far as musical forms go, most rock and roll isn't very subtle, very little is truly subversive anymore, and most of rock music, unfortunately, is predictable. However, country music, the little DNA knows about, actually still seemed to have some of that subversive power. Most pop country appeared on the surface, to be conservative, traditional values anthems, but underneath, a strong sexual undercurrent rippled through the songs, hiding under the guise of "good ol' boys" just sewin' their oats. There was kind of a nod and a wink even among the most conservative religious people that guys like Toby Keith were okay, even though they pretty openly sing about smoking weed with Willy Nelson and party like rock stars (drugs, sluts, you get the picture). Yet, at the end of the day, all was forgiven, because they loved their moms, and their country, and were proud of their down home common roots. And ya can't fault a good ol' boy for being human, can you?

Notice, DNA said country music "seemed to have some of that subversive power" a moment ago. Country had that power until Brad Paisley wrote and recorded the song, "Ticks." This song is about as subtle as KISS's beautiful rock anthem "Burn, Bitch, Burn." Country had not crossed that final rubicon, even with the song, "Save a horse, ride a cowboy," until "Ticks" hit the airwaves. As of now, country music has sold its soul to the devil.

Without further ado, DNA presents the lyrics, and the line by line commentary, for the song, "Ticks," by Brad Paisley.

Everytime you take a sip
in this smoky atmosphere
you press that bottle to your lips
and i wish i was your beer
(you simply can't get more pathetically sophomoric and juvenile than wishing you were a bottle of beer so that you could feel the girls lips...and presumably, the bottle really is a phallic symbol here. This is what 7th grade chess club uberdorks say when they are trying to sound coool.)

and in the small there of your back
your jeans are playing peek a boo
id like to see the other half
of your butterfly tattoo
(Yes, the blatantly christian, made his reputation off of being a family man Paisley is saying, while he is drooling over his own beer in the corner, and staring at this chick in a bar, that he wants to see her bare ass. Nice. You know who else drools over their beers and says stuff like "I'd like to see the rest of that tattoo"? Sexual predators, that's who : D)

hey that gives me an idea
lets get out of this bar
and drive out into the country
and find a place to park
("'Scuse, me, I know we just met, but your tattoo made me think about seeing your naked ass. Since you obviously want me to act this way, how about we go make out now?")

cause id like to see you out in the moonlight
id like to kiss you way back in the sticks
id like to walk you through a field of wildflowers
(Okay, that part is actually kind of nice...)
and I'd like to check you for ticks
(Huh? Wait a second. Did he say he wants to check you for ticks? What the fuck? Again, only 13 year-olds think that any aspect of being checked for ticks conjures a sexual image. This is the same kind of thinking that boys employ when they learn what gynecologists do for a living. As if there would be anything sexually exciting about a pap smear. Besides such imagery being firmly planted in the amygdala of the pubescent male brain, it needlessly sexualizes imagery that can't and shouldn't be sexualized. It would be like being aroused by pictures of naked women outside of Auschwitz.

Of course, he's not really saying he wants to check her for ticks. He's saying, "Let's go out in the woods, and under a pretext of looking out for her safety, let's get naked and get our hands on each other, in the thorough way you would do if he were checking her for ticks. DNA gets it. It's just pathetically bad imagery.)


i know the perfect little path
out in these woods i used to hunt
(and what rhymes with hunt? There are several times that Paisley purposely uses words that conjure sexual words as rhyming pairs.)
don't worry babe I've got your back
and I've also got your front (really? Did he really just say that? This isn't sophomoric anymore, it's fourth grade. Like the first time you thought of girls having boobs. This is how Paisley sounds cool with girls? Echhh. DNA feels kind of dirty.)
id hate to waste a night like this
I'll keep you safe you wait and see
the only thing allowed to crawl all over you
when we get there is me (Or, "I won't allow ticks to crawl on you and touch your boobies, and tickle your cooter, those perverted little bastards. The only parasitic, disease-carrying insect that will grope you is me.")

you know every guy in here tonight
would like to take you home
but I've got way more class than them
and that ain't what I want(Yes, he has way more class. He doesn't want to take her home and fuck her, like those other loser bastards. He wants to lead her out in the woods, strip her naked and molest her. He wouldn't think of fucking her. That wouldn't be very respectful.)

cause id like to see you out in the moonlight
id like to kiss you way back in the sticks
id like to walk you through a field of wildflowers
and id like to check you for ticks("I'd like to purposely expose you to a risk of parasitic infection, so that I could have a chance to touch you naked." WTF????)

oooh you never know where one might be
and oooh there's lots of places that are hard to reach(DNA simply can't get the image of a 60 year-old man saying this to a 9 year-old girl out of his freaking head. This is the kind of dialog that child rapists and catholic priests say to their victims. This is not witty banter and sexual innuendo.)

id like to see you out in the moonlight
id like to kiss you way back in the sticks
id like to walk you through a field of wildflowers
and id like to check you for ticks

oh id sure like to check you for ticks

DNA for one, would like to check Brad Paisley with a hayfork to the face. Brad, you have single-handedly destroyed country music, which is too bad, cuz you're a really talented guitar player. DNA is sad that now, almost all pop music in America is exactly what it seems like: Silly, simple, inneundo and vapid, vacuous hooks.

DNA recommends buying the new Brad Paisley album. It will hasten the end of the world. We need a good apocalypse after that record.

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