DNA has liked the artist Toni Basil for a long time. If you listened to music in the 1980's, then you couldn't help but be beaten over the head by the song "Mickey," by her.
She was made annoying by radio and MTV overplay, but "Mickey," a cover of an earlier British song by the group Racer, called "Kitty," was more subversive than we could have guessed, since we were so young and innocent back then. Toni Basil was cool to DNA because of her street and film cred, (since the 1960's) and her relationship artistically and personally with DEVO. There weren't many women who were spudboys, ever, but she was. DEVO personnel played on her first album and penned three of the songs she sang, including "You Gotta Problem," "Be Stiff," and "Space Girls." She was in a B-movie slasher called "Slaughterhouse Rock" which featured several songs by DEVO.
No, don't thank DNA yet for this trip down memory lane. She gets so much cooler. The other day, DNA was listening to the song, "Mickey" again in an 80's playlist, and discovered what he always, subconsciously, knew was there. So, you have just heard the song, if you played the youtube link, and DNA presents the lyrics below:
Mickey, by Mike Chapmann and Nicky Chinn, adapted by Toni Basil
Oh Mickey, you're so fine
You're so fine, you blow my mind, hey Mickey, hey Mickey
Oh Mickey, you're so fine
You're so fine, you blow my mind, hey Mickey, hey Mickey
Oh Mickey, you're so fine
You're so fine, you blow my mind, hey Mickey...
Hey Mickey
You've been around all night and that's a little long
You think you've got the right but I think you've got it wrong
Why can't we say goodnight? So you can take me home, Mickey
Cause when you say you will, it always means you won't
You're givin' me the chills, baby, please baby don't
Every night you still leave me all alone, Mickey
Oh Mickey, what a pity, you don't understand
You take me by the heart when you take me by the hand
Oh Mickey, you're so pretty, can't you understand
It's guys like you, Mickey
Ooh what you do Mickey, do Mickey
Don't break my heart, Mickey
Hey Mickey
Now when you take me by the... who's... ever gonna know
Every time you move I let a little more show
There's something you can use, so don't say no, Mickey
So come on and give it to me anyway you can
Anyway you want to do it, I'll take it like a man
Oh please baby, please don't leave me in this jam Mickey
Refrain1:
Oh Mickey, what a pity, you don't understand
You take me by the heart when you take me by the hand
Oh Mickey, you're so pretty, can't you understand
It's guys like you, Mickey
Ooh what you do Mickey, do Mickey
Don't break my heart, Mickey
The song doesn't get interesting until the last verse. Remember, this song was originally about "Kitty," and if you just let your mind wander down double entendre lane where rock and roll lives, you understand what the song was about. So here is the last verse again, reading between the lines with DNA.
Hey Mickey
Now when you take me by the... who's... ever gonna know
DNA humbly submits that when she says take me, she means biblically.
Every time you move I let a little more show
There's something you can use, so don't say no, Mickey ......A rubber! She's telling the dork to use a rubber and he'll get laid! Notice in the video as she says this, she brings her hands together and prays that he will slip a jimmy hat on.
So come on and give it to me anyway you can Okay, are you ready?
Anyway you want to do it, I'll take it like a man If you were having sex, and she says she'll take it like a man, just what does that mean? Ass fucking. She's talking about weapons of ass destruction. How else do you take it like a man, sexually, if you are referring to getting fucked? Like a man? In the ass. Also, notice in the video, she does the one-person make out move here, in which her arms wrap around herself and go over her body.
Oh please baby, please don't leave me in this jam Mickey Or, Don't be a douchebag, ya litte bitch, it's my turn to ride the baloney pony.
The more DNA listens to it, the more he is convinced that Toni Basil converted the irony of a song about Kitty, and made it a song about the boy being hesitant to engage sexually, and then spelled out just how open she would be to anything he wanted to do. In other words, the cheerleaders in the video, and a generation of girls grew up singing and dancing to a song about getting F'd in the A.
This is why Toni Basil is cool. Subvert, subtlely. DNA's hat is off to you.
Showing posts with label Myoo-SICK Revues. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Myoo-SICK Revues. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Happy Thanksgiving, What Are You Getting Me For Christmas?
When your rude-ass monkey-in-law asks that, turn the other cheek. And the rest of your body, and walk away. Pick up your Thanksgiving dish you brought, and give thanks that you got the hell out of there. Then, on your way home, stop by your local Media Whore big box outlet and reward yourself for suffering the ignorant around you by doing a couple of things. First, go buy The Family, by Jeff Sharlet. It will scare and sicken you, and put the spotlight on religion this holiday season, which should put you in the proper mood. Afterwards, you may really need something to listen to which will restore your faith in humanity, or at least the music biz. Go buy Them Crooked Vultures, one of more interesting, accessible, and unplayed albums of 2009, but DNA thinks this will change soon.
Them's DNA's suggestions this Thanksgiving. Of course, you may choose to get drunk and sleep with your cousin's wife instead. Either way.
Them's DNA's suggestions this Thanksgiving. Of course, you may choose to get drunk and sleep with your cousin's wife instead. Either way.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Who Put The Cunt in Country Music....
Okay, if that didn't grab your attention, nothing will. DNA has long lived by the motto, "Seem innocuous, Be virulent." Don't be the suspect, be the instigator. Don't be obvious, but be subversive. You get the drift. As far as musical forms go, most rock and roll isn't very subtle, very little is truly subversive anymore, and most of rock music, unfortunately, is predictable. However, country music, the little DNA knows about, actually still seemed to have some of that subversive power. Most pop country appeared on the surface, to be conservative, traditional values anthems, but underneath, a strong sexual undercurrent rippled through the songs, hiding under the guise of "good ol' boys" just sewin' their oats. There was kind of a nod and a wink even among the most conservative religious people that guys like Toby Keith were okay, even though they pretty openly sing about smoking weed with Willy Nelson and party like rock stars (drugs, sluts, you get the picture). Yet, at the end of the day, all was forgiven, because they loved their moms, and their country, and were proud of their down home common roots. And ya can't fault a good ol' boy for being human, can you?
Notice, DNA said country music "seemed to have some of that subversive power" a moment ago. Country had that power until Brad Paisley wrote and recorded the song, "Ticks." This song is about as subtle as KISS's beautiful rock anthem "Burn, Bitch, Burn." Country had not crossed that final rubicon, even with the song, "Save a horse, ride a cowboy," until "Ticks" hit the airwaves. As of now, country music has sold its soul to the devil.
Without further ado, DNA presents the lyrics, and the line by line commentary, for the song, "Ticks," by Brad Paisley.
Everytime you take a sip
in this smoky atmosphere
you press that bottle to your lips
and i wish i was your beer
(you simply can't get more pathetically sophomoric and juvenile than wishing you were a bottle of beer so that you could feel the girls lips...and presumably, the bottle really is a phallic symbol here. This is what 7th grade chess club uberdorks say when they are trying to sound coool.)
and in the small there of your back
your jeans are playing peek a boo
id like to see the other half
of your butterfly tattoo
(Yes, the blatantly christian, made his reputation off of being a family man Paisley is saying, while he is drooling over his own beer in the corner, and staring at this chick in a bar, that he wants to see her bare ass. Nice. You know who else drools over their beers and says stuff like "I'd like to see the rest of that tattoo"? Sexual predators, that's who : D)
hey that gives me an idea
lets get out of this bar
and drive out into the country
and find a place to park
("'Scuse, me, I know we just met, but your tattoo made me think about seeing your naked ass. Since you obviously want me to act this way, how about we go make out now?")
cause id like to see you out in the moonlight
id like to kiss you way back in the sticks
id like to walk you through a field of wildflowers
(Okay, that part is actually kind of nice...)
and I'd like to check you for ticks
(Huh? Wait a second. Did he say he wants to check you for ticks? What the fuck? Again, only 13 year-olds think that any aspect of being checked for ticks conjures a sexual image. This is the same kind of thinking that boys employ when they learn what gynecologists do for a living. As if there would be anything sexually exciting about a pap smear. Besides such imagery being firmly planted in the amygdala of the pubescent male brain, it needlessly sexualizes imagery that can't and shouldn't be sexualized. It would be like being aroused by pictures of naked women outside of Auschwitz.
Of course, he's not really saying he wants to check her for ticks. He's saying, "Let's go out in the woods, and under a pretext of looking out for her safety, let's get naked and get our hands on each other, in the thorough way you would do if he were checking her for ticks. DNA gets it. It's just pathetically bad imagery.)
i know the perfect little path
out in these woods i used to hunt
(and what rhymes with hunt? There are several times that Paisley purposely uses words that conjure sexual words as rhyming pairs.)
don't worry babe I've got your back
and I've also got your front (really? Did he really just say that? This isn't sophomoric anymore, it's fourth grade. Like the first time you thought of girls having boobs. This is how Paisley sounds cool with girls? Echhh. DNA feels kind of dirty.)
id hate to waste a night like this
I'll keep you safe you wait and see
the only thing allowed to crawl all over you
when we get there is me (Or, "I won't allow ticks to crawl on you and touch your boobies, and tickle your cooter, those perverted little bastards. The only parasitic, disease-carrying insect that will grope you is me.")
you know every guy in here tonight
would like to take you home
but I've got way more class than them
and that ain't what I want(Yes, he has way more class. He doesn't want to take her home and fuck her, like those other loser bastards. He wants to lead her out in the woods, strip her naked and molest her. He wouldn't think of fucking her. That wouldn't be very respectful.)
cause id like to see you out in the moonlight
id like to kiss you way back in the sticks
id like to walk you through a field of wildflowers
and id like to check you for ticks("I'd like to purposely expose you to a risk of parasitic infection, so that I could have a chance to touch you naked." WTF????)
oooh you never know where one might be
and oooh there's lots of places that are hard to reach(DNA simply can't get the image of a 60 year-old man saying this to a 9 year-old girl out of his freaking head. This is the kind of dialog that child rapists and catholic priests say to their victims. This is not witty banter and sexual innuendo.)
id like to see you out in the moonlight
id like to kiss you way back in the sticks
id like to walk you through a field of wildflowers
and id like to check you for ticks
oh id sure like to check you for ticks
DNA for one, would like to check Brad Paisley with a hayfork to the face. Brad, you have single-handedly destroyed country music, which is too bad, cuz you're a really talented guitar player. DNA is sad that now, almost all pop music in America is exactly what it seems like: Silly, simple, inneundo and vapid, vacuous hooks.
DNA recommends buying the new Brad Paisley album. It will hasten the end of the world. We need a good apocalypse after that record.
Notice, DNA said country music "seemed to have some of that subversive power" a moment ago. Country had that power until Brad Paisley wrote and recorded the song, "Ticks." This song is about as subtle as KISS's beautiful rock anthem "Burn, Bitch, Burn." Country had not crossed that final rubicon, even with the song, "Save a horse, ride a cowboy," until "Ticks" hit the airwaves. As of now, country music has sold its soul to the devil.
Without further ado, DNA presents the lyrics, and the line by line commentary, for the song, "Ticks," by Brad Paisley.
Everytime you take a sip
in this smoky atmosphere
you press that bottle to your lips
and i wish i was your beer
(you simply can't get more pathetically sophomoric and juvenile than wishing you were a bottle of beer so that you could feel the girls lips...and presumably, the bottle really is a phallic symbol here. This is what 7th grade chess club uberdorks say when they are trying to sound coool.)
and in the small there of your back
your jeans are playing peek a boo
id like to see the other half
of your butterfly tattoo
(Yes, the blatantly christian, made his reputation off of being a family man Paisley is saying, while he is drooling over his own beer in the corner, and staring at this chick in a bar, that he wants to see her bare ass. Nice. You know who else drools over their beers and says stuff like "I'd like to see the rest of that tattoo"? Sexual predators, that's who : D)
hey that gives me an idea
lets get out of this bar
and drive out into the country
and find a place to park
("'Scuse, me, I know we just met, but your tattoo made me think about seeing your naked ass. Since you obviously want me to act this way, how about we go make out now?")
cause id like to see you out in the moonlight
id like to kiss you way back in the sticks
id like to walk you through a field of wildflowers
(Okay, that part is actually kind of nice...)
and I'd like to check you for ticks
(Huh? Wait a second. Did he say he wants to check you for ticks? What the fuck? Again, only 13 year-olds think that any aspect of being checked for ticks conjures a sexual image. This is the same kind of thinking that boys employ when they learn what gynecologists do for a living. As if there would be anything sexually exciting about a pap smear. Besides such imagery being firmly planted in the amygdala of the pubescent male brain, it needlessly sexualizes imagery that can't and shouldn't be sexualized. It would be like being aroused by pictures of naked women outside of Auschwitz.
Of course, he's not really saying he wants to check her for ticks. He's saying, "Let's go out in the woods, and under a pretext of looking out for her safety, let's get naked and get our hands on each other, in the thorough way you would do if he were checking her for ticks. DNA gets it. It's just pathetically bad imagery.)
i know the perfect little path
out in these woods i used to hunt
(and what rhymes with hunt? There are several times that Paisley purposely uses words that conjure sexual words as rhyming pairs.)
don't worry babe I've got your back
and I've also got your front (really? Did he really just say that? This isn't sophomoric anymore, it's fourth grade. Like the first time you thought of girls having boobs. This is how Paisley sounds cool with girls? Echhh. DNA feels kind of dirty.)
id hate to waste a night like this
I'll keep you safe you wait and see
the only thing allowed to crawl all over you
when we get there is me (Or, "I won't allow ticks to crawl on you and touch your boobies, and tickle your cooter, those perverted little bastards. The only parasitic, disease-carrying insect that will grope you is me.")
you know every guy in here tonight
would like to take you home
but I've got way more class than them
and that ain't what I want(Yes, he has way more class. He doesn't want to take her home and fuck her, like those other loser bastards. He wants to lead her out in the woods, strip her naked and molest her. He wouldn't think of fucking her. That wouldn't be very respectful.)
cause id like to see you out in the moonlight
id like to kiss you way back in the sticks
id like to walk you through a field of wildflowers
and id like to check you for ticks("I'd like to purposely expose you to a risk of parasitic infection, so that I could have a chance to touch you naked." WTF????)
oooh you never know where one might be
and oooh there's lots of places that are hard to reach(DNA simply can't get the image of a 60 year-old man saying this to a 9 year-old girl out of his freaking head. This is the kind of dialog that child rapists and catholic priests say to their victims. This is not witty banter and sexual innuendo.)
id like to see you out in the moonlight
id like to kiss you way back in the sticks
id like to walk you through a field of wildflowers
and id like to check you for ticks
oh id sure like to check you for ticks
DNA for one, would like to check Brad Paisley with a hayfork to the face. Brad, you have single-handedly destroyed country music, which is too bad, cuz you're a really talented guitar player. DNA is sad that now, almost all pop music in America is exactly what it seems like: Silly, simple, inneundo and vapid, vacuous hooks.
DNA recommends buying the new Brad Paisley album. It will hasten the end of the world. We need a good apocalypse after that record.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
The Eventual Destruction Of Our Great Republic...
will not be caused by terrorists, or nuclear attack, or mutated viruses, or by liberals, or by any other group you might thing. It will be caused by Sweden.
Let that sink in for a moment. Sweden. Why Sweden?
Ask Erik Alexander, Max Martin, and Johan Schuster to start with. These guys, as well as Savan Kotecha are the principle songwriters and producers for Lindsey Lohan, Geri Halliwell, Pink, NSYNC, the Backstreet Boys, and dozens of other pop divas and groups. They form the core of a Swedish group of producers who have influenced pop music for over a generation. Sweden. Is Sweden to blame for our cultural implosion? Yes. Knulla dig, you sumbitches!
In specific, Savan Kotecha and company are the writers responsible for Britney Spear’s latest single, “If You Seek Amy” (and have been part of her success from the beginning). Before DNA dissects this turd for your inspection, please take a moment to understand the true meaning of horror by watching her video for the song:
Okay, grossed out or bored yet? If not, be prepared to have your IQ drop while you read the lyrics to the song:
“Lalalalala
Oh baby baby
Have you seen Amy tonight?
Is she in the bathroom
Is she smokin' up outside
Oh
Oh baby baby
Does she take a piece of lime
For the drink that I’ma buy her
Do you know just what she likes
Oh
Oh Oh
Tell me have you seen her
Because I'm so
Oh
I can't get her off of my brain
I just want to go to the party she gonna go
Can somebody take me home
Ha ha he ha ha ho
Love me hate me
Say what you want about me
But all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If You Seek Amy
Love me hate me
But can't you see what I see
All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If You Seek Amy
Lalalalalala
Amy told me that she's gonna meet me up
I don't know where or when and now they're closing up the club
Oh
I've seen her want to drive before she knows my face
But it's hard to see with all the people standing in the way
Oh
Oh oh
Tell me have you seen her
Because I'm so
Oh
I can't get her off of my brain
I just want to go to the party she's gonna go
Can somebody take me home
Ha ha he ha ha ho
Love me hate me
Say what you want about me
But all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If You Seek Amy
Love me hate me
But can't you see what I see
All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If You Seek Amy
Oh
So what you want about me
Oh
But can't you see what I see
Oh
So what you want about me
So tell me if you've seen her
Cause I've been waiting here forever
Oh baby baby
If You Seek Amy tonight
Oh
Oh baby baby
We'll do whatever you like
Oh baby baby baby
Oh baby baby baby
Lalalalalala
Lalalalalala
Love me hate me
So what you want about me
But all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If You Seek Amy
Love me hate me
But can't you seek what I see
All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If You Seek Amy
Love me hate me so what you want about me (yeah)
Love me hate me
But can't you see what I see
All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If You Seek Amy
Oh
So what you want about me
Oh
But can't you see what I see
Oh So what you want about me
All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If You Seek Amy”
DNA is not a prude, nor is he shocked by much, except the shocking display of a lack of talent presented here. The only thing that she could shock me with is a revelation that she is actually Amish. We already accept that Britney is damaged goods, and have seen everything she has to offer. Seeing her attempt to be sexually inviting is like asking a hooker to be coy. Really, where is the mystery? The lyrics themselves are not shocking, either. When was the last time Britney sang a song that didn’t explicitly or implicitly ask you to fuck her?
Just in case you didn’t get it when you read it, Britney is saying “Can’t you see what I see---oh, so what you want about me? All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek Amy” or “all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to F.U.C.K. me.” Genius, huh? Those Swedish songwriters sure are gifted at this language stuff, cuz, ya see, they’re saying one thing, about how she is wanted as a commodity, but she is also saying people are sexually attracted to her, AND they are saying that perhaps We might see the world a little bit differently if we go on some quest for Amy, AND in the process, they get to spell out “fuck!” They’re really cool.
You know the only thing is different about this song and other Britney songs? Spelling. In this song, you have to be able to spell to get the “special meaning.” That is a step up.
What is the special meaning, seriously? Sure, DNA gets the obvious “thumb your nose up at the FCC” attitude of the writers, and he understands the smiles that cross their faces everytime they hear Britney spell out the word “fuck” on the radio and don’t get in hot water over it. But the real message here is, let’s see, Britney is looking for Amy, and Amy is either herself as a fuckable object, or the allegorical personification of sex, or maybe Britney is just referring cutely to her pussy. DNA likes to think the latter. In fact, let’s try a few of the lyrics with “my pussy” in place of Amy:
Lalalalala
Oh baby baby
Have you seen my pussy tonight?
Is my pussy in the bathroom
Is my pussy smokin' up outside
Oh
Oh baby baby
Does my pussy take a piece of lime
For the drink that I’ma buy my pussy
Do you know just what my pussy likes
Oh
Oh Oh
Tell me have you seen my pussy
Because I'm so
Oh
I can't get my pussy off of my brain
I just want to go to the party my pussy gonna go
Can somebody take me home
Ha ha he ha ha ho
Love me hate me
Say what you want about me
But all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to F.U.C.K. my pussy
Love me hate me
But can't you see what I see
All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to F.U.C.K. my pussy
Honestly, isn’t that all this song is really saying? That’s the message DNA would rather hear, instead of the crap it gets instead. Again, the problem isn’t that she is singing about fucking, the problem is that she is doing it in a form that will reach a playground full of seven and eight year olds. Little kids are singing this shit to each other, and emulating the fashion of Britney and countless other video slags. You have little girls DNA’s daughters' ages telling their peers, boys and girls alike, to FUCK THEM!!! What the fuck is wrong with us?
Before we go and dismiss the destruction of our culture as the aim of these songwriters, or brush of the idea that this song isn’t intended for a young audience, DNA will point out to you that the principle songwriter for “If You Seek Amy” also writes for such kid-friendly artists as Miranda Cosgrove (of iCarly fame), and Jordan Pruitt, both kids who record for Disney. You didn’t really think that Disney was too far away from this cultural destruction, did you?
So, here’s DNA’s message to Sweden: No, DNA doesn’t seek Amy. Amy can go fuck herself. If slickly-produced subversive pop designed to encourage boys and girls to fuck is their export, DNA encourages the U.S. to trade something back of equivalent value, like syphilis and teen pregnancy.
Let that sink in for a moment. Sweden. Why Sweden?
Ask Erik Alexander, Max Martin, and Johan Schuster to start with. These guys, as well as Savan Kotecha are the principle songwriters and producers for Lindsey Lohan, Geri Halliwell, Pink, NSYNC, the Backstreet Boys, and dozens of other pop divas and groups. They form the core of a Swedish group of producers who have influenced pop music for over a generation. Sweden. Is Sweden to blame for our cultural implosion? Yes. Knulla dig, you sumbitches!
In specific, Savan Kotecha and company are the writers responsible for Britney Spear’s latest single, “If You Seek Amy” (and have been part of her success from the beginning). Before DNA dissects this turd for your inspection, please take a moment to understand the true meaning of horror by watching her video for the song:
Okay, grossed out or bored yet? If not, be prepared to have your IQ drop while you read the lyrics to the song:
“Lalalalala
Oh baby baby
Have you seen Amy tonight?
Is she in the bathroom
Is she smokin' up outside
Oh
Oh baby baby
Does she take a piece of lime
For the drink that I’ma buy her
Do you know just what she likes
Oh
Oh Oh
Tell me have you seen her
Because I'm so
Oh
I can't get her off of my brain
I just want to go to the party she gonna go
Can somebody take me home
Ha ha he ha ha ho
Love me hate me
Say what you want about me
But all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If You Seek Amy
Love me hate me
But can't you see what I see
All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If You Seek Amy
Lalalalalala
Amy told me that she's gonna meet me up
I don't know where or when and now they're closing up the club
Oh
I've seen her want to drive before she knows my face
But it's hard to see with all the people standing in the way
Oh
Oh oh
Tell me have you seen her
Because I'm so
Oh
I can't get her off of my brain
I just want to go to the party she's gonna go
Can somebody take me home
Ha ha he ha ha ho
Love me hate me
Say what you want about me
But all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If You Seek Amy
Love me hate me
But can't you see what I see
All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If You Seek Amy
Oh
So what you want about me
Oh
But can't you see what I see
Oh
So what you want about me
So tell me if you've seen her
Cause I've been waiting here forever
Oh baby baby
If You Seek Amy tonight
Oh
Oh baby baby
We'll do whatever you like
Oh baby baby baby
Oh baby baby baby
Lalalalalala
Lalalalalala
Love me hate me
So what you want about me
But all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If You Seek Amy
Love me hate me
But can't you seek what I see
All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If You Seek Amy
Love me hate me so what you want about me (yeah)
Love me hate me
But can't you see what I see
All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If You Seek Amy
Oh
So what you want about me
Oh
But can't you see what I see
Oh So what you want about me
All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If You Seek Amy”
DNA is not a prude, nor is he shocked by much, except the shocking display of a lack of talent presented here. The only thing that she could shock me with is a revelation that she is actually Amish. We already accept that Britney is damaged goods, and have seen everything she has to offer. Seeing her attempt to be sexually inviting is like asking a hooker to be coy. Really, where is the mystery? The lyrics themselves are not shocking, either. When was the last time Britney sang a song that didn’t explicitly or implicitly ask you to fuck her?
Just in case you didn’t get it when you read it, Britney is saying “Can’t you see what I see---oh, so what you want about me? All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek Amy” or “all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to F.U.C.K. me.” Genius, huh? Those Swedish songwriters sure are gifted at this language stuff, cuz, ya see, they’re saying one thing, about how she is wanted as a commodity, but she is also saying people are sexually attracted to her, AND they are saying that perhaps We might see the world a little bit differently if we go on some quest for Amy, AND in the process, they get to spell out “fuck!” They’re really cool.
You know the only thing is different about this song and other Britney songs? Spelling. In this song, you have to be able to spell to get the “special meaning.” That is a step up.
What is the special meaning, seriously? Sure, DNA gets the obvious “thumb your nose up at the FCC” attitude of the writers, and he understands the smiles that cross their faces everytime they hear Britney spell out the word “fuck” on the radio and don’t get in hot water over it. But the real message here is, let’s see, Britney is looking for Amy, and Amy is either herself as a fuckable object, or the allegorical personification of sex, or maybe Britney is just referring cutely to her pussy. DNA likes to think the latter. In fact, let’s try a few of the lyrics with “my pussy” in place of Amy:
Lalalalala
Oh baby baby
Have you seen my pussy tonight?
Is my pussy in the bathroom
Is my pussy smokin' up outside
Oh
Oh baby baby
Does my pussy take a piece of lime
For the drink that I’ma buy my pussy
Do you know just what my pussy likes
Oh
Oh Oh
Tell me have you seen my pussy
Because I'm so
Oh
I can't get my pussy off of my brain
I just want to go to the party my pussy gonna go
Can somebody take me home
Ha ha he ha ha ho
Love me hate me
Say what you want about me
But all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to F.U.C.K. my pussy
Love me hate me
But can't you see what I see
All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to F.U.C.K. my pussy
Honestly, isn’t that all this song is really saying? That’s the message DNA would rather hear, instead of the crap it gets instead. Again, the problem isn’t that she is singing about fucking, the problem is that she is doing it in a form that will reach a playground full of seven and eight year olds. Little kids are singing this shit to each other, and emulating the fashion of Britney and countless other video slags. You have little girls DNA’s daughters' ages telling their peers, boys and girls alike, to FUCK THEM!!! What the fuck is wrong with us?
Before we go and dismiss the destruction of our culture as the aim of these songwriters, or brush of the idea that this song isn’t intended for a young audience, DNA will point out to you that the principle songwriter for “If You Seek Amy” also writes for such kid-friendly artists as Miranda Cosgrove (of iCarly fame), and Jordan Pruitt, both kids who record for Disney. You didn’t really think that Disney was too far away from this cultural destruction, did you?
So, here’s DNA’s message to Sweden: No, DNA doesn’t seek Amy. Amy can go fuck herself. If slickly-produced subversive pop designed to encourage boys and girls to fuck is their export, DNA encourages the U.S. to trade something back of equivalent value, like syphilis and teen pregnancy.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Myoo-SICK Revues
Myoo-SICK REVUES
This is where all of DNA's Myoo-SICK Revues are collected for the kids. Like DNA said on the front page, when you live music, it's okay to talk about music, and offer your opinion about music every once in awhile. Recently, DNA started to review bands, in the hopes that DNA might change everybody's lives or cure cancer. Okay, he started reviewing bands to get cheap shots in at no talent hacks, and to give a forum to some good bands that ought to be heard. If DNA says your band sucks, it's okay---it only means that your music means nothing, or perhaps even less. In the big scheme of things, that's only a little less important than the atomic bomb. If DNA says your band is awesome, however, then watch the fuck out. You are on a sky rocket to immortality. You should expect lots of sex, drugs and money coming your way soon. In the end, this too means nothing, or perhaps even less, but you'll be so much happier doing it.
Everyones' A Critic...
Myoo-SICK REVUE
This is a feature that DNA has wanted to do for some time. Hopefully, he will make this a regular feature. After having established in this blog that logically, no music sucks, only the listener's ability to appreciate it does, he was swamped with literally hundreds of humble submissions from readers which really did suck. Hack songs, hack lyrics, terrible production, rehashed themes, blatantly ripped off melodies, you name it, DNA heard it. So, DNA might have to reconsider the concept that no music sucks. Many examples of DNA's own songs are not very likable, so DNA understands that some songs might take a lot of bourbon or weed to appreciate.
However, even music that sucks must have some redeeming value, right? Right? Well, DNA will be the judge. DNA will try to select a wide variety of music, popular, obscure, current, past, famous and not, and try to provide a critical analysis. DNA will try to be fair, to understand why something he thinks is terrible might be liked by somebody. AND, if DNA disses a band you like, then DNA will print your critical rebuttal if it is any good.
DNA expects that most of what he reviews will be easy to skewer, some of it will need to be skewered and hasn't been, and every once in awhile, he will find some stuff that has been skewered that needs to be admired, and even more rarely, will find something really good that has been missed.
Myspace seemed like a good place to start searching for artists who fit the above criteria. DNA went to Myspace, and went to the Top Artists tab. The top of the top unsigned artists today (11/2/07) was one Tila Tequila.
"Tila Nguyen was 1 year old when she moved to the U.S. from Singapore, but she's Vietnamese by heritage and blond by choice. As for what she does for a living, there isn't really a word for it yet. Nguyen, who goes by Tila Tequila professionally, is some combination of rapper, singer, model, blogger and actress. But what she mostly is is the queen of the massive social-networking website MySpace..." - Time Magazine
Okay, get that? TIME MAGAZINE???? Sorry. Instead of giving you a couple of quotes encapsulating the psychology of why anyone expresses any kind of interest in Tila, DNA will direct you to this well-written article in the New York times.
Seriously, take a moment to read it. It says everything DNA could about what motivates us as a culture. But, DNA isn't here to critique Tila as a human being, or a myspace phenomena, or MTV sl---uh, star, but as a musician. DNA looked for a long time for anyone actually reviewing her music.
Out of 819,000 hits for "Tila Tequila Review," DNA found only three actual reviews of songs by Tila Tequila. Some might argue that this alone is overwhelming evidence that, like so many have written, she is less artist than entrepreneur, which is the word they use for "whore" in the nice blogs. In the not so nice blogs, they use "whore" for "whore."
Here is a sample of her writing on the song, "Stripper Friends:"
All my stripper friends, all my ex-boyfriends, we all want the same thing, we all want the same thing.
Bodies in the bar, reaching for the stars, we all want the same thing, we all want the same thing.
Good writers write what they know. DNA is not surprised that Tila knows lots about strippers and has lots of ex-boyfriends. But is this enough meat to feed a song? Is the rhyme between the words "friends" and "friends" too forced? Or the one between "bar" and "stars" so complex as to undermine the depth of the subject? This review is already too heavy, cuz DNA senses some IRON-y. Oh, and the pronoun "we" isn't correct as she uses it. Not to be a little grammar bitch, but it should be "they." C'mon, it's a fucking pronoun. This alone should tell you the level at which she writes.
We are led through a litany of simple rhymes, a simple theme, and a droning refrain, in the mode of any number of pouty-mouthed (and also potty-mouthed) so-called bombshells. Why do our current pop singers sing like they just had dicks in their mouths? Oh. That must be the answer.
After Donna Summers' hit "Love To Love You Baby" stunned people with its steaming sensuality, any number of "pop" artists have attempted to breathe, moan, and groan their lyrics in an attempt to make their rather pedantic and forced music to sound raw and sensual like that. That was distilled into a very sick vintage in Britney Spears, and has been guzzled by a whole generation of singers who think that "sexual" and "sensual" are the same thing. This whole affectation of over pronounced consonants, as if the singer's tongue is too thick for her mouth (which is exactly the effect they are going for, so sad little boys can think about that girl's tongue, maybe with a stud in it, and what she would do with that), and over-exaggerated hyperbole must stop.
Since she tells us that "we all want the same thing," and the rhetorical device tells us that Tila is the "everywoman" who can tell us what that is, DNA has to ask, "Why the fuck wait until 3 minutes and 9 seconds into the song before you let us know what that is?" Generally, holding a bit of information like that to create artificial interest or tension, or to inflate the importance of the concept is an example of weak writing. DNA guesses that Tila is guilty as charged. Here is the wisdom she imparts at nearly the end of the song:
We all wanna live we all wanna learn how to love without getttin burned We want to be loved, are we good enough? Yeah, yeah.
No, no, we are not good enough. Not yet.
So, she doesn't distinguish herself as a singer, or as a songwriter. The production values aren't bad, certainly passable, but are nothing that can't be done by somebody with a computer in his basement. The beats, the arrangements, the musical talent which is required to write the music itself is fairly small. Does she distinguish herself in any other way? Well, she poses in some of the same ways as porn star Asia Carrera, and Asia actually has some pretty impressive skills, so DNA guesses that counts for something. Look at them side by side.
Asia Carrera............................... Tila Tequila..........Put them together and you get Tia Carrere!
She certainly has marketed herself into a position of fame, has a TV show, has millions of myspace friends, and has a single that DNA's son has heard on the radio. Tila Tequila is no different than any number of the relatively talentless, relatively nice to look at women who are made into "stars," with the exception that she actually "made" herself without the help of Warner Brothers or Disney, which is saying something. DNA thinks it is saying that the bar, officially dropped by reality TV and OJ, has reached a new lower equilibrium. This should not surprise us. As long as good singers, and good musicians are still able to be heard and seen, why do any of us care if Tila can titillate the lowest common denominator? She ain't no Aretha Franklin, hell, she ain't even a Mariah Carey, okay, fuck it, she ain't even at the level of Fergie or the Pussycat Dolls. Still, when your retarded half-sister sings in front of the family at the reunion, shouldn't everybody there clap, and is it wrong that some of the family really thinks she is good?
PROS: She kind of looks like a bobble head of herself, already. Marketing genius if she gives out bobble-heads at her concerts.
CONS: Her writing is simple, her sense of melody basic, her concepts fairly low-brow ("I don't wanna fuck your man" comes to mind), her delivery uninspired, and her affectation of the "sex-kitten" does not come off as sensual, but as soft-core porn, which considering DNA's comparison of Tila to Asia Carrera, should show you how bad someone trying to be "hard-core" sexual looks when they don't have the courage of their convictions, and just wants to appear "hard-core." Asia Carrera, DNA respects. Tila Tequila, not so much.
PROS: Tila proves that the democratizing power of the internet works.
CONS: God help us all from the river of shit her wave of success has unleashed. Prepare to be underwhelmed.
DNA debated a long time about even reviewing her music, because DNA is only adding to the number of hits that her name gets every day. This is like an endorsement, no matter what her music is like. But DNA really couldn't find any good reviews of her music, so this was justification enough. Just because it is shitty doesn't mean it gets a pass. In this respect, Tila is experiencing a case of the emperor's new clothes. Once public affection has died, once her looks fade, and nobody cares about the trailer park parade she is currently leading, then people might look back and say, "No, I don't see it. I don't know what I liked about her," and she might say, "Wow, I really didn"t have very much talent." DNA doesn't want to throw stones, really. DNA doesn't have a lot of talent, either. DNA makes no claims other than it is what it is. A last word: Who has millions of fans but does not have a record deal? Tila.
Time For Another Myoo-SICK REVUE...
Remember the guiding principle for this recurring feature: After having established in this blog that logically, no music sucks, only the listener's ability to appreciate it does, he was swamped with literally hundreds of humble submissions from readers which really did suck. Hack songs, hack lyrics, terrible production, rehashed themes, blatantly ripped off melodies, you name it, DNA heard it. So, DNA might have to reconsider the concept that no music sucks. Many examples of DNA's own songs are not very likable, so DNA understands that some songs might take a lot of bourbon or weed to appreciate.
However, even music that sucks must have some redeeming value, right? Right? Well, DNA will be the judge. DNA will try to select a wide variety of music, popular, obscure, current, past, famous and not, and try to provide a critical analysis. DNA will try to be fair, to understand why something he thinks is terrible might be liked by somebody. AND, if DNA disses a band you like, then DNA will print your critical rebuttal if it is any good.
DNA expects that most of what he reviews will be easy to skewer, some of it will need to be skewered and hasn't been, and every once in awhile, he will find some stuff that has been skewered that needs to be admired, and even more rarely, will find something really good that has been missed.
This week's experiment in uhh, hmmm, music? is the band Hollywood Undead. DNA doesn't really want to direct you to their myspace page, but in the interests all things fair, you can go here to listen to them. DNA is sorry in advance. Really. Okay, not really, DNA listened to them way too many times over the last few days for research purposes. This was way harder research than DNA's Master's Thesis. Why? Because nobody was torturing DNA while he completed his thesis.
Now, before you think DNA has lost his objectivity, DNa will give you some Hollywood Undead background, and ultimately end with an enlightened discussion of Emo, Screamo, and the final word from someone who can be considered the expert.
First off, Hollywood Undead has, gulp, over 12 million pages views on their myspace page. 12 million page views! Over 33 million listens to their songs. DNA can't even get more impressive italics to show how fucking unreal that is. Let DNA put it perspective. Britney Spears has about 19 million listens to her music on myspace. Hollywood Undead has about 100,000 more "friends" than she does. Who have they shown their pussies to?
DNA will get into the actual review in a moment, but again, he has to ask: for a band that seems to command so much myspace respect, why aren't they signed? Why don't they have a snocap store or are on iTunes or have some other method of online distribution for their music? Why are there a million (okay, only several hundred thousand) mentions of them around the web, but only a few honest to God reviews? And why are the actual reviews (not just fan comments) almost uniformly bad? Also, DNA noted in his research, that either you have people who think Hollywood Undead are the worst band ever, reconceptualizing the actual meaning of the word "bad" by the horrible-ness of what they call music, or that people think they fucking rule, and are inviting the 7 member-band for continuous 7 on 1 orgies across the country. The 7 on 1 orgy invitation appears to be both from male and female listeners. Meaning, Hollywood Undead is so cool, that even straight frat/thug/gym/macho guys get hard-ons for their music, and could handle being the catcher as long it was one of the guys in Hollywood Undead popping his ass-cherry.
At least, that is the gist of the commentary DNA has read.
What do they sound like? Well if you listened to Linkin Park (or 75,000 other bands that sound as bad as they do, the way they do), then you have an idea of what Hollywood Undead sounds like on a good day. Overall, production is good, but not great; again, as with the Tila Tequila review, the beats, loops, and sound are reminiscent of some guys with too much time on their hands and a nice computer in their mom's basement. They copy the "schtick" of many other popular bands, covering their faces, except that you get the feeling that they are covering their faces because otherwise, fans would see that these guys are kind of geeky, not cool. Slipknot, they are not. But, it seems to be working for them. Lyrically, there is some inventiveness, the words certainly flow, but the subject matter, even when one gives them the benefit of the doubt, and is willing to entertain the idea that the lyrics are tongue in cheek, can't help but think, "yeah, tongue in cheek, between ass-cheek, directly in ass." DNA is trying to say the lyrics are base, (not lots of low frequency, but as in low-brow), sophomoric, puerile, yeah, that's the right word, puerile, (look it up, gangsta-wannobe).
Actually, it's the lyrical content that bothers DNA, cuz it plays right into some stereotypes that DNA saw prevalent among the douchebag "think with their dicks or other more impressive muscles" crowd that he so often purposely antagonized while a student at SIU. The problem is, this band is supposed to be part of this "screamo" underground hardcore scene that opposes the establishment, right, except that, they and their fans kind of share the same knee-jerk, 'fuck you, faggot' attitude that is normally representative of the establishment. How can they be cool and anti-establishment if they are dicks and mouthpieces of the crap we all hate about the establishment? Oh, right...THEY CAN'T.
Let's get right to the music, shall we? The first song you hear upon clicking their myspace page is "Dead In Ditches."
That's when we, that's when we, that's when we ride
that's when we, that's when we ride on these bitches
That's when we ride on bitches
You fuckin' faggot snitches
So don't you try, we packin' 9's
We leave you dead in ditches
That's when we ride on bitches...
Okay, DNA just barfed in his mouth a little, and had to stop typing. No, not from being disgusted, from laughing so hard he contorted his stomach and chucked a little up. Instead of listing all of the lyrics, DNA will summarize: They play with the metaphor of a gun being both a symbol of toughness, and also a symbol of virility. It is clear as they talk about packin' 9, (ostensibly, a Glock 9)and shooting, that they are really talking about sexual conquest...wait a fucking minute, is DNA actually doing this? Actually providing a critical analysis of a song about fucking so 'good' that the boys in the band leave ho's dead in ditches? Okay then, how about this: the boys in the band say, "we packin' 9's." You know what that really means? They look at each others' dicks, and they have measured them. Because they are absolutely sure they are packin' 9's. They say it alot. Who do you know who looks enough at other guys' dicks to know exactly how long they are? Just by looking? Sorry, Hollywood Undead, you can't be mad at the "fucking faggot snitches" if you got a thing about measuring dicks. While we're there, about the use of the word "faggot." There is not a single word left in the English language when used in the off-handed, incidental, but still perjorative sense that it is used in this song, that doesn't more aptly display ignorance, stupidity, intolerance, etc., etc. Just the kind of thing your angry, disaffected youth wants to be associated with...if they are fucking fascists. Congratulations, Hollywood Undead. DNA will now buy Elton John, Liberace, Barry Manilow, and Judy Garland records on fucking principle alone.
The next song is "Bitches." Yeah, DNA laughed too.
Bitches I hope you know
bitches I hope you know
bitches I hope you know
I won't stop til I hit that ho
Baby come say hello
And get your junk ass over here let's go
DNA hopes the bitches know, too, that these guys sound like Weird Al when they try to sing, which is really demeaning to Weird Al, who actually is pretty fucking good. From this point of view, DNA is glad Hollywood Undead don't sing very much.
DNA can say, that without reservation, this is some of the worst stuff he has listened to, and for that DNA is glad. Every one elses' music seems better now. Even 2 Live Crew had their moments----"Hey, we want some pussy!" DNA can identify with that. DNA just can't identify with "Bitches." Nor can he fathom how anyone who can hear and understand English could identify with "Bitches." You know who are the bitches? Yep, Hollywood Undead.
Why are they bitches, though? Not only are the posuers (or however the fuck you are supposed to spell that word when you mean not the real deal), but they have completed what the establishment needs to have happen to "win." They have taken a genre that at one time was reactionary and revolutionary, and reduced it to a cliche, and made it the vehicle in which the establishment now rides. Don't believe DNA? Read the "influences" the band lists on their myspace page: "HOLLYWOOD California, Designer Jeans, Camo, Cigarettes, Mickey's 40's, Bud Ice, Pro Tools, OUR FANS, TATTOO'S, Cahuenga blvd, Pla-boy Liquor, ASS, partying, Subway Sandwiches, Finger Snaps, Scene Hair, Sidekicks, Dumb fuckin girls, Freestyling, HXC, Brassknuckles, Riding Bikes Drunk, clubs and bars...." If this doesn't sound like the wet dream list of the dick-headed, frat-boy, pumped up on his own beauty jock from high school/college. The establishment has co-opted cool. Fuck. DNA is glad he is uncool.
Now, here is the problem DNA has. These guys are so wrong on every level. It takes work to be that wrong. It takes brains, and it takes talent. In fact, in the back of DNA's mind, a little voice is saying, "They're fucking around with you, DNA, and with the hundreds of thousands of people who call themselves 'fans.' They are so spot-on parodying everything that is wrong with the tatooed, muscled, thug-life poseur dickheads, and the slutty, wish they were prettier, and only assess their own value based on the size of their asses and tits airheads, that they have to be laughing at them. Otherwise, they really are the theme music for the most pitiable generation of sperm and egg to have ever heaved their way down the fallopian tubes.
Lastly, where do they get the genre, "screamo?" From "emo," obviously. But then, what is "emo?" You think you know, but you don't, not really. Short for "emotional hardcore," or "emotive hardcore," whatever the fuck that means. Here is the definitive response to what is "emo," from the only trusted source on the net, Wiki.
(The passages below were copied right from the Wiki "emo" page. Fuck it, they said it better than DNA could)
In 1985 in Washington, D.C., Ian MacKaye and Guy Picciotto, veterans of the DC hardcore music scene, decided to shift away from what they saw as the constraints of the basic style of hardcore and the escalating violence within the scene. They took their music in a more personal direction with a far greater sense of experimentation, bringing forth MacKaye's Embrace and Picciotto's Rites of Spring. The style of music developed by Embrace and Rites of Spring soon became its own sound. (Husker Du's 1984 album Zen Arcade is often cited as a major influence for the new sound.) As a result of the renewed spirit of experimentation and musical innovation that developed the new scene, the summer of 1985 soon came to be known in the scene as "Revolution Summer".[1]
Where the term emo actually originated is uncertain, but members of Rites of Spring mentioned in a 1985 interview in Flipside Magazine that some of their fans had started using the term to describe their music. By the early 90s, it was not uncommon for the early DC scene to be referred to as emo-core, though it's unclear when the term shifted.
The difficulty in defining "emo" as a genre may have started at the very beginning. In a 2003 interview by Mark Prindle,[13] Guy Picciotto of Fugazi and Rites of Spring was asked how he felt about "being the creator of the emo genre". He responded: "I don't recognize that attribution. I've never recognized 'emo' as a genre of music. I always thought it was the most retarded term ever. I know there is this generic commonplace that every band that gets labeled with that term hates it. They feel scandalized by it. But honestly, I just thought that all the bands I played in were punk rock bands. The reason I think it's so stupid is that - what, like the Bad Brains weren't emotional? What - they were robots or something? It just doesn't make any sense to me."
The bottom line is what started as a movement is now simply a fashion, which is really the only proof DNA needed to see that Hollywood Undead aren't being duplicitous, they really are bad. They are called "screamo" because they look "screamo," not because they represent some social movement, the way bands like Fugazi or Bad Brains did/do.
Lastly, the fact that they are a myspace phenomenon only goes to prove that myspace has very little actual power to effect change, and has linked the lowest common demoninator together. Where else could dickheads find the theme music to fuck bitches to?
Pros: Every now and then, a little humor, or some inventive lyric, makes it to the light of day (keeping that little voice in the back of DNA's mind whispering).
Cons: Predictable, limited, puerile, white-boy, posuer, wannabe, masturbatory fantasy life soundtrack which has been done better by just about every skinny kid who picked up a guitar and felt like Superman.
Pros: They do make it sound cool to have some bitches around.
Cons: Based on their popularity, and we all know how wise it is to listen and follow something because lots of other people are following it, Hollywood Undead will probably have the next bad reality TV show on right after "A Shot At Love" with Tila Tequila.
Pros: Their name isn't half bad. DNA was intrigued when it saw the name Hollywood Undead. That sounds like a band ripe to subvert the ingrained idea of life in Hollywood, right?
Cons: In other words, with a name like that, they sounded like they should have the potential to rock like the Groovy Ghoulies, Man Or Astro-man, or The Reverend Horton Heat, but instead they didn't. Instead they sucked the life right out of the name "Hollywood Undead."
Time For Another Myoo-SICK Revue
It�s been a week or two, and it is time again for another DNA Myoo-SICK Revue. Instead of taking potshots at passing supertankers (Tila Tequila and The Hollywood Undead), DNA is going to narrow the focus a little bit, and do a review of some local talent. Carbondale has always been a fertile ground for new music. The Carbondale Nightlife does a great job of highlighting new local talent, and will review records in a more holistic way than does DNA. The whole idea is that whether you like the music or not, these guys are out there making it, and deserve respect.
What approach should be taken? Surely, the reviewer shouldn�t talk down to his subject, or treat the local guys as lame just because they are local. DNA got that attitude a lot when he was in bands years ago. Some band from Austin could suck balls, but, man, they were from Austin, and we can see you local fuckers anytime�..Also, if you talk about a band like they are meaningful, it might be because they are good, and it might be that others will think of local bands with a more global perspective. Also, a lot of reviewers try not to compare a band to another band in a review, because it is a stereotypical short cut, and also because reviewers tend to see those kinds of reviews as juvenile, and not representative of the band or a good way to showcase their own literary and musical knowledge. DNA says FUCK that. Sometimes, saying a band sounds like so and so works.
Innovation, like mutation, occurs in the cul-de-sacs, in the backwaters, in the places that are relatively untouched by the constant push of the raging rivers. In these incestuous little pools, single voices can shape or change the bigger picture. Unfortunately, but inevitably, as bands become more regional, and less local, their ability to affect that pool is necessarily diminished. Once a band gets to a certain level, they no longer swim in those tepid waters. Presented here, now, is a band firmly sitting in the silt-y mud of a forgotten bank of the Big Muddy River outside of Carbondale, and we in Carbondale are all the better for it.
The Dammit Boys.
Many of the band�s compositions show the strong influence of surf, rockabilly, and the kind of white trash rock that would make the guys in Monster Magnet proud. The Dammit boys would probably be blessed as the appropriate music for the sacrament during a sermon by the Reverend Horton Heat. What DNA thinks most people miss is that there is something else thrown in there, some European gypsy-king vagabond element that transcends the typical genres like garage, or punk, in which the Dammit Boys get dumped. Not that they musically resemble Camper Van Beethoven, but like Camper in spirit, they capture the feeling of old world mystery in a very hard to define way. The cut �Toluene� is a fine example of this fusion. The Bustos blood, originating from the Castille area in Northern Spain, must be running heavily in the veins of lead singer and guitarist, Mortimer Bustos.
Some people in music scenes are larger than life. Mortimer is one of those guys. He has a voice that is reminiscent of Tom Waits�, but Mort is not trying to emulate Waits at all. He uses his voice the way true vocalists use their voices: with the understanding that the voice is an instrument with a range that all other musical instruments only pay homage to. Although DNA first met Mort as a bass player, DNA has seen Mort play guitar, on which he shines. If frozen dog shit in a coffee can was an instrument, Mort could pick that up and play the dog shit out of it, literally and figuratively.
Mort is pretty fucking cool. Judge for yourself
(pic of mort). But, he isn�t alone. Dave Marquis, the bassist for the Dammit Boys, is quiet, reserved, disarmingly quick of wit, and kick ass on the bass. Not kick butt, not, could punch you in the face if you weren�t expecting it, not open hand slap your chest until your tits turn red, but KICK ASS. Overly flashy? No. Unassumingly adding the brass knuckles to the fist of the Dammit Boys? Hell, yes.
DNA doesn�t mean to slight Dave Raymond or Time Beaty, the other guitarist and drummer, respectively, of the Dammit Boys by not heaping up their praises. Although DNA has known those guys for some time, he never had the pleasure to get to know them better than as a gawking spectator to their fucking onstage awesomeness.
If it sounds like DNA is a little biased towards the Dammit Boys, maybe cuz he knows them, or something, then you would be wrong. There are lots of bands that DNA likes a lot. Bands like DEVO. Now, the Dammit Boys are not like DEVO. See how this proves DNA is not biased?
Actually, DNA did some objective, experimentation with the music of the Dammit Boys in an attempt to limit the influence of DNA�s own history with these guys. DNA played 20 songs at random from his iPod. Then he listened to the Dammit Boys. Then DNA asked himself: Whose voice sounded cooler? What song rocked more? When you hear �Sky Hammer,� you can imagine the sweat dripping off of Mort�s face as greasy bodies are swaying in the 70�s euphoria that leaks from that song like smoke from a raunchy old bong. Seriously, DNA put the iPod on shuffle and started to compare bands. Now, by chance, the iPod cued up the song �Rock Your Ass� by the Supersuckers first, which was a shitty place to be if you were the Dammit Boys! Nobody rocks out with their cocks out the way the Supersuckers do. That was a tough draw for the Dammit Boys right out of the gate. But, OK Go? Dammit boys smoked �em. Wolfmother? Made �em wanna run home to momma. Coldplay? Didn�t wanna play anymore. In short, the Dammit Boys� records are worth buying. So. You. Go buy them.
From the opening line of �The Mind Snare,� you too, feel like you �could walk right through this wall.� The song evokes the heady feeling you might have had the first time you listened to the Doors if you were 19 in 1969---and weren�t in Vietnam. On their myspace page, the band writes that this song is an example of some of the new stuff they are working on. Their new compositions reflect their continuing growth as musicians, technically and intuitively.
As usual, DNA did some internet searching, and found these interesting tidbits: Unlike the two huge myspace sensations DNA has reviewed previously, in the first three hits on Google, DNA found a review of the band, y�know, like you would expect, if the band were actually a working band. This was the first good sign. Next, reading some of the reviewers unsolicited responses to a show was also positive, such as, �if Mort and I were in prison together I�d definitely want to be his bitch."
Pros: A unique vibe that isn�t exactly any of the categories in which it is placed.
Cons: Those turned off by garage rock or surf or rockabilly might give them a pass, which is their loss.
Pros: When you listen to them, you are probably drunk, or getting there.
Cons: You can�t capture the contradictory minor key depression that weeps through Mort�s guitar playing in the midst of power punk energy very well on a CD.
Pros: The name, evoking the aggravation of an older Dad, yelling at those no good kids getting into who knows what behind the woodshed�
Check out the Dammit Boys the next time you are in Carbondale. You won�t be disappointed.
Another Myoo-SICK Revue....DEVO had babies!!!
Time for another Myoo-SICK Revue. This one has been a long time coming. DNA has only bought a couple of new records lately, new to him, at least. DNA is gay for the Supersuckers, so it has been buying up their stuff, and DNA is now carrying the torch for this installment's review subject: the band Polysics.
What do you need to know about Polysics? Well how about this? They're cool. They're from Japan. They've been around for over 10 years, but unless you're into import vinyl and CD's, you probably have never heard of them. Because at first glance, they look like a DEVO clone, circa 1980, even if you had heard of them, you might just pass them by, and say something like, "Fuck, I just don't get the Japanese."
DNA is here to say, "Fuck, DNA just don't get the Japanese," and that is okay. Polysics is not so much about the obsessive mimicry of Western styles that permeates Japanese culture, but about paying homage, making inspired quirky songs from the New Wave spring that still bubbles up on the side of Mt. Fuji, and also really innovating sound, and trying elements of different styles.
Far from being a DEVO clone, Polysics is a DEVO meets Man-Or-Astroman clone, and hell, aren't there hundreds of bands like that? Oh, that's right. There is one. Polysics.
In most myoo-SICK revues, DNA quotes some lyrics out of context to make bands sound really ignorant, but it is hard to do with Polysics, since most of the lyrics are in Japanese. Some are in English, DNA thinks, but in the end, it doesn't matter. The sounds of the lyrics are part of the brush Polysics uses to paint their old Korg Poly Six keyboards.
In the album DNA just purchased, called Polysics Or Die!!!! Vista, a greatest hits compilation (their second, actually) there are some songs or sounds that are a little too DEVO for their own good. It's hard to beat the boys from Akron at their own game, and unfortunately, when Polysics mines that vein a little too deeply, they sound more like a caricature than a creative force. However, on some cuts, like "I My Me Mine," they capture the guts of New Wave with very little of the glitter and black eyeliner that went with the typical synth band. The old analog synths deliver the "soul" of the biomechanical rhythm, but the fuzz and overdriven drums, frantic and frenetic vocals, and the tri-tone creepy synth texture on the top makes this little gem really shine. And, you can't get much greasier on a keyboard bassline than the song, "Kaja Kaja Goo," which must means something in Japanese and simultaneously points out how idiotic one of the more successful new wave synth bands, Kaja Goo Goo, was.
Here's a clip from YouTube:
The girl in the video isn't in the band, or so DNA has heard. She just kind of hangs out with them.
And you might as well see the rest of the story:
So, go buy the record. It's available on iTunes, or in really cool records stores. While you're at it, check out the Octopus Project, too. More fun in the same vein.
This is where all of DNA's Myoo-SICK Revues are collected for the kids. Like DNA said on the front page, when you live music, it's okay to talk about music, and offer your opinion about music every once in awhile. Recently, DNA started to review bands, in the hopes that DNA might change everybody's lives or cure cancer. Okay, he started reviewing bands to get cheap shots in at no talent hacks, and to give a forum to some good bands that ought to be heard. If DNA says your band sucks, it's okay---it only means that your music means nothing, or perhaps even less. In the big scheme of things, that's only a little less important than the atomic bomb. If DNA says your band is awesome, however, then watch the fuck out. You are on a sky rocket to immortality. You should expect lots of sex, drugs and money coming your way soon. In the end, this too means nothing, or perhaps even less, but you'll be so much happier doing it.
Everyones' A Critic...
Myoo-SICK REVUE
This is a feature that DNA has wanted to do for some time. Hopefully, he will make this a regular feature. After having established in this blog that logically, no music sucks, only the listener's ability to appreciate it does, he was swamped with literally hundreds of humble submissions from readers which really did suck. Hack songs, hack lyrics, terrible production, rehashed themes, blatantly ripped off melodies, you name it, DNA heard it. So, DNA might have to reconsider the concept that no music sucks. Many examples of DNA's own songs are not very likable, so DNA understands that some songs might take a lot of bourbon or weed to appreciate.
However, even music that sucks must have some redeeming value, right? Right? Well, DNA will be the judge. DNA will try to select a wide variety of music, popular, obscure, current, past, famous and not, and try to provide a critical analysis. DNA will try to be fair, to understand why something he thinks is terrible might be liked by somebody. AND, if DNA disses a band you like, then DNA will print your critical rebuttal if it is any good.
DNA expects that most of what he reviews will be easy to skewer, some of it will need to be skewered and hasn't been, and every once in awhile, he will find some stuff that has been skewered that needs to be admired, and even more rarely, will find something really good that has been missed.
Myspace seemed like a good place to start searching for artists who fit the above criteria. DNA went to Myspace, and went to the Top Artists tab. The top of the top unsigned artists today (11/2/07) was one Tila Tequila.
"Tila Nguyen was 1 year old when she moved to the U.S. from Singapore, but she's Vietnamese by heritage and blond by choice. As for what she does for a living, there isn't really a word for it yet. Nguyen, who goes by Tila Tequila professionally, is some combination of rapper, singer, model, blogger and actress. But what she mostly is is the queen of the massive social-networking website MySpace..." - Time Magazine
Okay, get that? TIME MAGAZINE???? Sorry. Instead of giving you a couple of quotes encapsulating the psychology of why anyone expresses any kind of interest in Tila, DNA will direct you to this well-written article in the New York times.
Seriously, take a moment to read it. It says everything DNA could about what motivates us as a culture. But, DNA isn't here to critique Tila as a human being, or a myspace phenomena, or MTV sl---uh, star, but as a musician. DNA looked for a long time for anyone actually reviewing her music.
Out of 819,000 hits for "Tila Tequila Review," DNA found only three actual reviews of songs by Tila Tequila. Some might argue that this alone is overwhelming evidence that, like so many have written, she is less artist than entrepreneur, which is the word they use for "whore" in the nice blogs. In the not so nice blogs, they use "whore" for "whore."
Here is a sample of her writing on the song, "Stripper Friends:"
All my stripper friends, all my ex-boyfriends, we all want the same thing, we all want the same thing.
Bodies in the bar, reaching for the stars, we all want the same thing, we all want the same thing.
Good writers write what they know. DNA is not surprised that Tila knows lots about strippers and has lots of ex-boyfriends. But is this enough meat to feed a song? Is the rhyme between the words "friends" and "friends" too forced? Or the one between "bar" and "stars" so complex as to undermine the depth of the subject? This review is already too heavy, cuz DNA senses some IRON-y. Oh, and the pronoun "we" isn't correct as she uses it. Not to be a little grammar bitch, but it should be "they." C'mon, it's a fucking pronoun. This alone should tell you the level at which she writes.
We are led through a litany of simple rhymes, a simple theme, and a droning refrain, in the mode of any number of pouty-mouthed (and also potty-mouthed) so-called bombshells. Why do our current pop singers sing like they just had dicks in their mouths? Oh. That must be the answer.
After Donna Summers' hit "Love To Love You Baby" stunned people with its steaming sensuality, any number of "pop" artists have attempted to breathe, moan, and groan their lyrics in an attempt to make their rather pedantic and forced music to sound raw and sensual like that. That was distilled into a very sick vintage in Britney Spears, and has been guzzled by a whole generation of singers who think that "sexual" and "sensual" are the same thing. This whole affectation of over pronounced consonants, as if the singer's tongue is too thick for her mouth (which is exactly the effect they are going for, so sad little boys can think about that girl's tongue, maybe with a stud in it, and what she would do with that), and over-exaggerated hyperbole must stop.
Since she tells us that "we all want the same thing," and the rhetorical device tells us that Tila is the "everywoman" who can tell us what that is, DNA has to ask, "Why the fuck wait until 3 minutes and 9 seconds into the song before you let us know what that is?" Generally, holding a bit of information like that to create artificial interest or tension, or to inflate the importance of the concept is an example of weak writing. DNA guesses that Tila is guilty as charged. Here is the wisdom she imparts at nearly the end of the song:
We all wanna live we all wanna learn how to love without getttin burned We want to be loved, are we good enough? Yeah, yeah.
No, no, we are not good enough. Not yet.
So, she doesn't distinguish herself as a singer, or as a songwriter. The production values aren't bad, certainly passable, but are nothing that can't be done by somebody with a computer in his basement. The beats, the arrangements, the musical talent which is required to write the music itself is fairly small. Does she distinguish herself in any other way? Well, she poses in some of the same ways as porn star Asia Carrera, and Asia actually has some pretty impressive skills, so DNA guesses that counts for something. Look at them side by side.
Asia Carrera............................... Tila Tequila..........Put them together and you get Tia Carrere!
She certainly has marketed herself into a position of fame, has a TV show, has millions of myspace friends, and has a single that DNA's son has heard on the radio. Tila Tequila is no different than any number of the relatively talentless, relatively nice to look at women who are made into "stars," with the exception that she actually "made" herself without the help of Warner Brothers or Disney, which is saying something. DNA thinks it is saying that the bar, officially dropped by reality TV and OJ, has reached a new lower equilibrium. This should not surprise us. As long as good singers, and good musicians are still able to be heard and seen, why do any of us care if Tila can titillate the lowest common denominator? She ain't no Aretha Franklin, hell, she ain't even a Mariah Carey, okay, fuck it, she ain't even at the level of Fergie or the Pussycat Dolls. Still, when your retarded half-sister sings in front of the family at the reunion, shouldn't everybody there clap, and is it wrong that some of the family really thinks she is good?
PROS: She kind of looks like a bobble head of herself, already. Marketing genius if she gives out bobble-heads at her concerts.
CONS: Her writing is simple, her sense of melody basic, her concepts fairly low-brow ("I don't wanna fuck your man" comes to mind), her delivery uninspired, and her affectation of the "sex-kitten" does not come off as sensual, but as soft-core porn, which considering DNA's comparison of Tila to Asia Carrera, should show you how bad someone trying to be "hard-core" sexual looks when they don't have the courage of their convictions, and just wants to appear "hard-core." Asia Carrera, DNA respects. Tila Tequila, not so much.
PROS: Tila proves that the democratizing power of the internet works.
CONS: God help us all from the river of shit her wave of success has unleashed. Prepare to be underwhelmed.
DNA debated a long time about even reviewing her music, because DNA is only adding to the number of hits that her name gets every day. This is like an endorsement, no matter what her music is like. But DNA really couldn't find any good reviews of her music, so this was justification enough. Just because it is shitty doesn't mean it gets a pass. In this respect, Tila is experiencing a case of the emperor's new clothes. Once public affection has died, once her looks fade, and nobody cares about the trailer park parade she is currently leading, then people might look back and say, "No, I don't see it. I don't know what I liked about her," and she might say, "Wow, I really didn"t have very much talent." DNA doesn't want to throw stones, really. DNA doesn't have a lot of talent, either. DNA makes no claims other than it is what it is. A last word: Who has millions of fans but does not have a record deal? Tila.
Time For Another Myoo-SICK REVUE...
Remember the guiding principle for this recurring feature: After having established in this blog that logically, no music sucks, only the listener's ability to appreciate it does, he was swamped with literally hundreds of humble submissions from readers which really did suck. Hack songs, hack lyrics, terrible production, rehashed themes, blatantly ripped off melodies, you name it, DNA heard it. So, DNA might have to reconsider the concept that no music sucks. Many examples of DNA's own songs are not very likable, so DNA understands that some songs might take a lot of bourbon or weed to appreciate.
However, even music that sucks must have some redeeming value, right? Right? Well, DNA will be the judge. DNA will try to select a wide variety of music, popular, obscure, current, past, famous and not, and try to provide a critical analysis. DNA will try to be fair, to understand why something he thinks is terrible might be liked by somebody. AND, if DNA disses a band you like, then DNA will print your critical rebuttal if it is any good.
DNA expects that most of what he reviews will be easy to skewer, some of it will need to be skewered and hasn't been, and every once in awhile, he will find some stuff that has been skewered that needs to be admired, and even more rarely, will find something really good that has been missed.
This week's experiment in uhh, hmmm, music? is the band Hollywood Undead. DNA doesn't really want to direct you to their myspace page, but in the interests all things fair, you can go here to listen to them. DNA is sorry in advance. Really. Okay, not really, DNA listened to them way too many times over the last few days for research purposes. This was way harder research than DNA's Master's Thesis. Why? Because nobody was torturing DNA while he completed his thesis.
Now, before you think DNA has lost his objectivity, DNa will give you some Hollywood Undead background, and ultimately end with an enlightened discussion of Emo, Screamo, and the final word from someone who can be considered the expert.
First off, Hollywood Undead has, gulp, over 12 million pages views on their myspace page. 12 million page views! Over 33 million listens to their songs. DNA can't even get more impressive italics to show how fucking unreal that is. Let DNA put it perspective. Britney Spears has about 19 million listens to her music on myspace. Hollywood Undead has about 100,000 more "friends" than she does. Who have they shown their pussies to?
DNA will get into the actual review in a moment, but again, he has to ask: for a band that seems to command so much myspace respect, why aren't they signed? Why don't they have a snocap store or are on iTunes or have some other method of online distribution for their music? Why are there a million (okay, only several hundred thousand) mentions of them around the web, but only a few honest to God reviews? And why are the actual reviews (not just fan comments) almost uniformly bad? Also, DNA noted in his research, that either you have people who think Hollywood Undead are the worst band ever, reconceptualizing the actual meaning of the word "bad" by the horrible-ness of what they call music, or that people think they fucking rule, and are inviting the 7 member-band for continuous 7 on 1 orgies across the country. The 7 on 1 orgy invitation appears to be both from male and female listeners. Meaning, Hollywood Undead is so cool, that even straight frat/thug/gym/macho guys get hard-ons for their music, and could handle being the catcher as long it was one of the guys in Hollywood Undead popping his ass-cherry.
At least, that is the gist of the commentary DNA has read.
What do they sound like? Well if you listened to Linkin Park (or 75,000 other bands that sound as bad as they do, the way they do), then you have an idea of what Hollywood Undead sounds like on a good day. Overall, production is good, but not great; again, as with the Tila Tequila review, the beats, loops, and sound are reminiscent of some guys with too much time on their hands and a nice computer in their mom's basement. They copy the "schtick" of many other popular bands, covering their faces, except that you get the feeling that they are covering their faces because otherwise, fans would see that these guys are kind of geeky, not cool. Slipknot, they are not. But, it seems to be working for them. Lyrically, there is some inventiveness, the words certainly flow, but the subject matter, even when one gives them the benefit of the doubt, and is willing to entertain the idea that the lyrics are tongue in cheek, can't help but think, "yeah, tongue in cheek, between ass-cheek, directly in ass." DNA is trying to say the lyrics are base, (not lots of low frequency, but as in low-brow), sophomoric, puerile, yeah, that's the right word, puerile, (look it up, gangsta-wannobe).
Actually, it's the lyrical content that bothers DNA, cuz it plays right into some stereotypes that DNA saw prevalent among the douchebag "think with their dicks or other more impressive muscles" crowd that he so often purposely antagonized while a student at SIU. The problem is, this band is supposed to be part of this "screamo" underground hardcore scene that opposes the establishment, right, except that, they and their fans kind of share the same knee-jerk, 'fuck you, faggot' attitude that is normally representative of the establishment. How can they be cool and anti-establishment if they are dicks and mouthpieces of the crap we all hate about the establishment? Oh, right...THEY CAN'T.
Let's get right to the music, shall we? The first song you hear upon clicking their myspace page is "Dead In Ditches."
That's when we, that's when we, that's when we ride
that's when we, that's when we ride on these bitches
That's when we ride on bitches
You fuckin' faggot snitches
So don't you try, we packin' 9's
We leave you dead in ditches
That's when we ride on bitches...
Okay, DNA just barfed in his mouth a little, and had to stop typing. No, not from being disgusted, from laughing so hard he contorted his stomach and chucked a little up. Instead of listing all of the lyrics, DNA will summarize: They play with the metaphor of a gun being both a symbol of toughness, and also a symbol of virility. It is clear as they talk about packin' 9, (ostensibly, a Glock 9)and shooting, that they are really talking about sexual conquest...wait a fucking minute, is DNA actually doing this? Actually providing a critical analysis of a song about fucking so 'good' that the boys in the band leave ho's dead in ditches? Okay then, how about this: the boys in the band say, "we packin' 9's." You know what that really means? They look at each others' dicks, and they have measured them. Because they are absolutely sure they are packin' 9's. They say it alot. Who do you know who looks enough at other guys' dicks to know exactly how long they are? Just by looking? Sorry, Hollywood Undead, you can't be mad at the "fucking faggot snitches" if you got a thing about measuring dicks. While we're there, about the use of the word "faggot." There is not a single word left in the English language when used in the off-handed, incidental, but still perjorative sense that it is used in this song, that doesn't more aptly display ignorance, stupidity, intolerance, etc., etc. Just the kind of thing your angry, disaffected youth wants to be associated with...if they are fucking fascists. Congratulations, Hollywood Undead. DNA will now buy Elton John, Liberace, Barry Manilow, and Judy Garland records on fucking principle alone.
The next song is "Bitches." Yeah, DNA laughed too.
Bitches I hope you know
bitches I hope you know
bitches I hope you know
I won't stop til I hit that ho
Baby come say hello
And get your junk ass over here let's go
DNA hopes the bitches know, too, that these guys sound like Weird Al when they try to sing, which is really demeaning to Weird Al, who actually is pretty fucking good. From this point of view, DNA is glad Hollywood Undead don't sing very much.
DNA can say, that without reservation, this is some of the worst stuff he has listened to, and for that DNA is glad. Every one elses' music seems better now. Even 2 Live Crew had their moments----"Hey, we want some pussy!" DNA can identify with that. DNA just can't identify with "Bitches." Nor can he fathom how anyone who can hear and understand English could identify with "Bitches." You know who are the bitches? Yep, Hollywood Undead.
Why are they bitches, though? Not only are the posuers (or however the fuck you are supposed to spell that word when you mean not the real deal), but they have completed what the establishment needs to have happen to "win." They have taken a genre that at one time was reactionary and revolutionary, and reduced it to a cliche, and made it the vehicle in which the establishment now rides. Don't believe DNA? Read the "influences" the band lists on their myspace page: "HOLLYWOOD California, Designer Jeans, Camo, Cigarettes, Mickey's 40's, Bud Ice, Pro Tools, OUR FANS, TATTOO'S, Cahuenga blvd, Pla-boy Liquor, ASS, partying, Subway Sandwiches, Finger Snaps, Scene Hair, Sidekicks, Dumb fuckin girls, Freestyling, HXC, Brassknuckles, Riding Bikes Drunk, clubs and bars...." If this doesn't sound like the wet dream list of the dick-headed, frat-boy, pumped up on his own beauty jock from high school/college. The establishment has co-opted cool. Fuck. DNA is glad he is uncool.
Now, here is the problem DNA has. These guys are so wrong on every level. It takes work to be that wrong. It takes brains, and it takes talent. In fact, in the back of DNA's mind, a little voice is saying, "They're fucking around with you, DNA, and with the hundreds of thousands of people who call themselves 'fans.' They are so spot-on parodying everything that is wrong with the tatooed, muscled, thug-life poseur dickheads, and the slutty, wish they were prettier, and only assess their own value based on the size of their asses and tits airheads, that they have to be laughing at them. Otherwise, they really are the theme music for the most pitiable generation of sperm and egg to have ever heaved their way down the fallopian tubes.
Lastly, where do they get the genre, "screamo?" From "emo," obviously. But then, what is "emo?" You think you know, but you don't, not really. Short for "emotional hardcore," or "emotive hardcore," whatever the fuck that means. Here is the definitive response to what is "emo," from the only trusted source on the net, Wiki.
(The passages below were copied right from the Wiki "emo" page. Fuck it, they said it better than DNA could)
In 1985 in Washington, D.C., Ian MacKaye and Guy Picciotto, veterans of the DC hardcore music scene, decided to shift away from what they saw as the constraints of the basic style of hardcore and the escalating violence within the scene. They took their music in a more personal direction with a far greater sense of experimentation, bringing forth MacKaye's Embrace and Picciotto's Rites of Spring. The style of music developed by Embrace and Rites of Spring soon became its own sound. (Husker Du's 1984 album Zen Arcade is often cited as a major influence for the new sound.) As a result of the renewed spirit of experimentation and musical innovation that developed the new scene, the summer of 1985 soon came to be known in the scene as "Revolution Summer".[1]
Where the term emo actually originated is uncertain, but members of Rites of Spring mentioned in a 1985 interview in Flipside Magazine that some of their fans had started using the term to describe their music. By the early 90s, it was not uncommon for the early DC scene to be referred to as emo-core, though it's unclear when the term shifted.
The difficulty in defining "emo" as a genre may have started at the very beginning. In a 2003 interview by Mark Prindle,[13] Guy Picciotto of Fugazi and Rites of Spring was asked how he felt about "being the creator of the emo genre". He responded: "I don't recognize that attribution. I've never recognized 'emo' as a genre of music. I always thought it was the most retarded term ever. I know there is this generic commonplace that every band that gets labeled with that term hates it. They feel scandalized by it. But honestly, I just thought that all the bands I played in were punk rock bands. The reason I think it's so stupid is that - what, like the Bad Brains weren't emotional? What - they were robots or something? It just doesn't make any sense to me."
The bottom line is what started as a movement is now simply a fashion, which is really the only proof DNA needed to see that Hollywood Undead aren't being duplicitous, they really are bad. They are called "screamo" because they look "screamo," not because they represent some social movement, the way bands like Fugazi or Bad Brains did/do.
Lastly, the fact that they are a myspace phenomenon only goes to prove that myspace has very little actual power to effect change, and has linked the lowest common demoninator together. Where else could dickheads find the theme music to fuck bitches to?
Pros: Every now and then, a little humor, or some inventive lyric, makes it to the light of day (keeping that little voice in the back of DNA's mind whispering).
Cons: Predictable, limited, puerile, white-boy, posuer, wannabe, masturbatory fantasy life soundtrack which has been done better by just about every skinny kid who picked up a guitar and felt like Superman.
Pros: They do make it sound cool to have some bitches around.
Cons: Based on their popularity, and we all know how wise it is to listen and follow something because lots of other people are following it, Hollywood Undead will probably have the next bad reality TV show on right after "A Shot At Love" with Tila Tequila.
Pros: Their name isn't half bad. DNA was intrigued when it saw the name Hollywood Undead. That sounds like a band ripe to subvert the ingrained idea of life in Hollywood, right?
Cons: In other words, with a name like that, they sounded like they should have the potential to rock like the Groovy Ghoulies, Man Or Astro-man, or The Reverend Horton Heat, but instead they didn't. Instead they sucked the life right out of the name "Hollywood Undead."
Time For Another Myoo-SICK Revue
It�s been a week or two, and it is time again for another DNA Myoo-SICK Revue. Instead of taking potshots at passing supertankers (Tila Tequila and The Hollywood Undead), DNA is going to narrow the focus a little bit, and do a review of some local talent. Carbondale has always been a fertile ground for new music. The Carbondale Nightlife does a great job of highlighting new local talent, and will review records in a more holistic way than does DNA. The whole idea is that whether you like the music or not, these guys are out there making it, and deserve respect.
What approach should be taken? Surely, the reviewer shouldn�t talk down to his subject, or treat the local guys as lame just because they are local. DNA got that attitude a lot when he was in bands years ago. Some band from Austin could suck balls, but, man, they were from Austin, and we can see you local fuckers anytime�..Also, if you talk about a band like they are meaningful, it might be because they are good, and it might be that others will think of local bands with a more global perspective. Also, a lot of reviewers try not to compare a band to another band in a review, because it is a stereotypical short cut, and also because reviewers tend to see those kinds of reviews as juvenile, and not representative of the band or a good way to showcase their own literary and musical knowledge. DNA says FUCK that. Sometimes, saying a band sounds like so and so works.
Innovation, like mutation, occurs in the cul-de-sacs, in the backwaters, in the places that are relatively untouched by the constant push of the raging rivers. In these incestuous little pools, single voices can shape or change the bigger picture. Unfortunately, but inevitably, as bands become more regional, and less local, their ability to affect that pool is necessarily diminished. Once a band gets to a certain level, they no longer swim in those tepid waters. Presented here, now, is a band firmly sitting in the silt-y mud of a forgotten bank of the Big Muddy River outside of Carbondale, and we in Carbondale are all the better for it.
The Dammit Boys.
Many of the band�s compositions show the strong influence of surf, rockabilly, and the kind of white trash rock that would make the guys in Monster Magnet proud. The Dammit boys would probably be blessed as the appropriate music for the sacrament during a sermon by the Reverend Horton Heat. What DNA thinks most people miss is that there is something else thrown in there, some European gypsy-king vagabond element that transcends the typical genres like garage, or punk, in which the Dammit Boys get dumped. Not that they musically resemble Camper Van Beethoven, but like Camper in spirit, they capture the feeling of old world mystery in a very hard to define way. The cut �Toluene� is a fine example of this fusion. The Bustos blood, originating from the Castille area in Northern Spain, must be running heavily in the veins of lead singer and guitarist, Mortimer Bustos.
Some people in music scenes are larger than life. Mortimer is one of those guys. He has a voice that is reminiscent of Tom Waits�, but Mort is not trying to emulate Waits at all. He uses his voice the way true vocalists use their voices: with the understanding that the voice is an instrument with a range that all other musical instruments only pay homage to. Although DNA first met Mort as a bass player, DNA has seen Mort play guitar, on which he shines. If frozen dog shit in a coffee can was an instrument, Mort could pick that up and play the dog shit out of it, literally and figuratively.
Mort is pretty fucking cool. Judge for yourself
(pic of mort). But, he isn�t alone. Dave Marquis, the bassist for the Dammit Boys, is quiet, reserved, disarmingly quick of wit, and kick ass on the bass. Not kick butt, not, could punch you in the face if you weren�t expecting it, not open hand slap your chest until your tits turn red, but KICK ASS. Overly flashy? No. Unassumingly adding the brass knuckles to the fist of the Dammit Boys? Hell, yes.DNA doesn�t mean to slight Dave Raymond or Time Beaty, the other guitarist and drummer, respectively, of the Dammit Boys by not heaping up their praises. Although DNA has known those guys for some time, he never had the pleasure to get to know them better than as a gawking spectator to their fucking onstage awesomeness.
If it sounds like DNA is a little biased towards the Dammit Boys, maybe cuz he knows them, or something, then you would be wrong. There are lots of bands that DNA likes a lot. Bands like DEVO. Now, the Dammit Boys are not like DEVO. See how this proves DNA is not biased?
Actually, DNA did some objective, experimentation with the music of the Dammit Boys in an attempt to limit the influence of DNA�s own history with these guys. DNA played 20 songs at random from his iPod. Then he listened to the Dammit Boys. Then DNA asked himself: Whose voice sounded cooler? What song rocked more? When you hear �Sky Hammer,� you can imagine the sweat dripping off of Mort�s face as greasy bodies are swaying in the 70�s euphoria that leaks from that song like smoke from a raunchy old bong. Seriously, DNA put the iPod on shuffle and started to compare bands. Now, by chance, the iPod cued up the song �Rock Your Ass� by the Supersuckers first, which was a shitty place to be if you were the Dammit Boys! Nobody rocks out with their cocks out the way the Supersuckers do. That was a tough draw for the Dammit Boys right out of the gate. But, OK Go? Dammit boys smoked �em. Wolfmother? Made �em wanna run home to momma. Coldplay? Didn�t wanna play anymore. In short, the Dammit Boys� records are worth buying. So. You. Go buy them.
From the opening line of �The Mind Snare,� you too, feel like you �could walk right through this wall.� The song evokes the heady feeling you might have had the first time you listened to the Doors if you were 19 in 1969---and weren�t in Vietnam. On their myspace page, the band writes that this song is an example of some of the new stuff they are working on. Their new compositions reflect their continuing growth as musicians, technically and intuitively.
As usual, DNA did some internet searching, and found these interesting tidbits: Unlike the two huge myspace sensations DNA has reviewed previously, in the first three hits on Google, DNA found a review of the band, y�know, like you would expect, if the band were actually a working band. This was the first good sign. Next, reading some of the reviewers unsolicited responses to a show was also positive, such as, �if Mort and I were in prison together I�d definitely want to be his bitch."
Pros: A unique vibe that isn�t exactly any of the categories in which it is placed.
Cons: Those turned off by garage rock or surf or rockabilly might give them a pass, which is their loss.
Pros: When you listen to them, you are probably drunk, or getting there.
Cons: You can�t capture the contradictory minor key depression that weeps through Mort�s guitar playing in the midst of power punk energy very well on a CD.
Pros: The name, evoking the aggravation of an older Dad, yelling at those no good kids getting into who knows what behind the woodshed�
Check out the Dammit Boys the next time you are in Carbondale. You won�t be disappointed.
Another Myoo-SICK Revue....DEVO had babies!!!
Time for another Myoo-SICK Revue. This one has been a long time coming. DNA has only bought a couple of new records lately, new to him, at least. DNA is gay for the Supersuckers, so it has been buying up their stuff, and DNA is now carrying the torch for this installment's review subject: the band Polysics.
What do you need to know about Polysics? Well how about this? They're cool. They're from Japan. They've been around for over 10 years, but unless you're into import vinyl and CD's, you probably have never heard of them. Because at first glance, they look like a DEVO clone, circa 1980, even if you had heard of them, you might just pass them by, and say something like, "Fuck, I just don't get the Japanese."
DNA is here to say, "Fuck, DNA just don't get the Japanese," and that is okay. Polysics is not so much about the obsessive mimicry of Western styles that permeates Japanese culture, but about paying homage, making inspired quirky songs from the New Wave spring that still bubbles up on the side of Mt. Fuji, and also really innovating sound, and trying elements of different styles.
Far from being a DEVO clone, Polysics is a DEVO meets Man-Or-Astroman clone, and hell, aren't there hundreds of bands like that? Oh, that's right. There is one. Polysics.
In most myoo-SICK revues, DNA quotes some lyrics out of context to make bands sound really ignorant, but it is hard to do with Polysics, since most of the lyrics are in Japanese. Some are in English, DNA thinks, but in the end, it doesn't matter. The sounds of the lyrics are part of the brush Polysics uses to paint their old Korg Poly Six keyboards.
In the album DNA just purchased, called Polysics Or Die!!!! Vista, a greatest hits compilation (their second, actually) there are some songs or sounds that are a little too DEVO for their own good. It's hard to beat the boys from Akron at their own game, and unfortunately, when Polysics mines that vein a little too deeply, they sound more like a caricature than a creative force. However, on some cuts, like "I My Me Mine," they capture the guts of New Wave with very little of the glitter and black eyeliner that went with the typical synth band. The old analog synths deliver the "soul" of the biomechanical rhythm, but the fuzz and overdriven drums, frantic and frenetic vocals, and the tri-tone creepy synth texture on the top makes this little gem really shine. And, you can't get much greasier on a keyboard bassline than the song, "Kaja Kaja Goo," which must means something in Japanese and simultaneously points out how idiotic one of the more successful new wave synth bands, Kaja Goo Goo, was.
Here's a clip from YouTube:
The girl in the video isn't in the band, or so DNA has heard. She just kind of hangs out with them.
And you might as well see the rest of the story:
So, go buy the record. It's available on iTunes, or in really cool records stores. While you're at it, check out the Octopus Project, too. More fun in the same vein.
June, 2008
May ended with DNA racking up his first "A" in a college course in over a decade. And, an incomplete, too, but he is working on that. In May, DNA worked on and finished four songs for the new record. DNA got to do some of the things he wanted in the blog, like give a garageband lesson, post new music, talk about the earthquake, DNA's choking incident, etc., but DNA did not get to do some other things he wanted. Hopefully, DNA will get to that this month.
Permanent Historical Record: 06/03/08
Coming Hard And Fast...
For weeks, DNA has not been very inspired, musically, but in the last couple of weeks, that all changed. Several songs kind of spurted out in a few spasms. The latest one is called "It Could Have Been Worse," and is presented below for your enjoyment:
It Could Have Been Worse
The next song in the que is titled, "It Got Worse," about a depressed guy who doesn't know exactly why he is down.
On another note, but related to the post title, "Coming Hard and Fast," DNA would like to announce a Happy Birthday to the Reverend. Scotty Karate is now officially old, but can still out drink, think, screw, chew, fight, and delight YOU! The Reverend came by to visit from his digs in Florida this week. It was great to see the Reverend and H.O.G. out at the H.O.G's place.
For any of you Carbondale locals who read this, make sure you take the time June 13th to visit H.O.G. and his classical guitar playing compatriots at Shryock Auditorium. They will be playing some seriously fucked up and wonderful classical guitar backed by a full orchestra. That is some serious playing, and it is my understanding that most of the musicians will not drinking or on drugs during the performance. That really should be worth seeing.
Over the last month or two, DNA has had to face some hard-ass facts. Because life is coming hard and fast at H.O.G., and at Mr. Kamikaze, and also at DNA, grandiose plans of a triumphant return to the stage have been postponed. So, travel back in time with DNA, and watch the desperate cry for help of a lonely, lonely old bastard. Here's how the little drama played out, across the internets and email accounts of the band.
To: Mr. Kamikaze, H.O.G., Song Engine
From: The DNA Vibrator
Re: Playing a Show This Summer
Date: 3/11/2008
Hi, DN-Acolytes,
This is DNA. How are you? After playing at Schuba's, DNA would like to play again. While DNA was at Mr. Kamikaze's house in Chicago, DNA thought about doing a "Komodo Drag Queens" show, in which we play as the band "Komodo Drag Queens." The schtick is that we are straight, dressing in garish metallic green bras, skirts, garters, and heels, if possible, and play songs only from female bands, that emphasize womanly-ness, but we sing and play them like the 40 something depressed loser bastards that we are, as if we discovered a niche market that needed a band---"Hey, you know who would pay money to see us? Fat middle-aged guys who like to sing songs about women and watch guys dress badly in drag. We should so do this thing!"
That, however, would require work, make-up, costumes, and way more energy than DNA can probably muster. So, instead, DNA would like to do a show in which we play only DNA songs and DEVO songs, and engage the audience in guessing which is which. Inspired by the Hoot Night, DNA would like to do DNA versus DEVO, and play about seven or eight songs from each band, with one or two additional songs in reserve (encore). Through the show, DNA would give out prizes and trivia about DNA and about DEVO.
H.O.G. said that June was not good for him, so what would you guys think about doing a show in July? We could play up at the Hangar, or possibly at Craig and Berts, or possibly both.
DNA will not get freaky about the set list, but DNA does have one tentatively picked out.
Freedom Of Choice, Fistful of Cleveland, Just Give Me A Drink, Girl You Want , Well, Gates Of Steel, Plate Tectonic King, Blockhead, All I Want For Christmas Is A Whole Lot Of Cash, Jerkin' Back 'N' Forth, A Note To My Old Band, Going Under, Bad Thing, 138, Whip It, God Made Us Funky, and Uncontrollable Urge.
DNA can make the CD and send it out if you guys are interested. DNA thinks it would be a lot of fun. Get back with me when you get a minute, so DNA can start working on a venue. Mr. Kamikaze, if Nonagon wants to play, that would be great.
DNA
From: Song Engine
To: DNA, H.O.G., Mr. Kamikaze
Re: Playing A Show This Summer
> Sounds great, but it might conflict with my other drag queen band, "A Bitch of a Donna Summer " late summer tour thru the rustbelt. > Maybe we can work something out, the girls(guys) are very flexible. >ASong Engine
From: Mr. Kamikaze:
> I'm still working on my conceptual "Pat Benatar doing Men At Work" band-- Pat "Benatwork" ... so I may or may not be available. >
> I'm thinking I'll be available...
From: H.O.G.
Don't forget my 80's style hair-metal band "Chicks with Dicks". Not quite drag queen, but close enough to be virtually indistinguishable. They might be willing to open...
From: DNA
And this is why DNA loves you guys.
The other drag queen band DNA is currently fronting, "Urethra Franklin," might get pissed, no pun intended, if they don't play, too. DNA'll talk to Sally at the Hangar about a date, and if that won't work, DNA'll talk with Dave Marquis to do something at PK's.
DNA would like to have the Dammit Boys play along with. If Nonagon can play, too, that would be cool, but if they can't, DNA'll get Moon Buggy Kids, or Secondary Modern to hop on board.
DNA
To: Mr. Kamikaze, H.O.G., Song Engine
From: The DNA Vibrator
Re: The Summer Of Our Discontent
Date: 4/3/2008
Hey Mr. Kamikaze, H.O.G., and Song Engine,
How are you? This is DNA. A while ago I emailed you guys about playing before Jesus returns. I had narrowed that down to sometime this summer. After talking (emailing) with H.O.G., DNA decided he would talk to Craig and Bert about possibly playing their 4th of July party. This year, it may happen on the 4th, it may happen on the 5th. Bert needed to talk to Craig, but sounded very excited about having DNA play if we are able to swing it.
Here is the pitch to the Chicago guys: It is perhaps the best party Southern Illinois throws, and its chock full of people who still know you! It is kid/family friendly, with lots of kids/families there. There is camping out, tent style, on the large estate which is Craig and Bert's, and more of the BEST barbecue than the whole army of people who are there can possibly eat. Yes, there will be alcohol there. Yes, people will drink and be stupid. But as far as kids and safety are concerned, we took Carl last year, and he didn't blow his fingers off around the fireworks, so that is saying something. It has been busted by the cops the last few years, however. One year CRANK played. Sorry, we kind of spoiled it for everybody. Last year, some fireworks hit a neighbor's house. Craig and Bert are working on those noise and fireworks issues.
Oh yeah, the fireworks! Comparable to most southern Illinois cities' fireworks, only James Ricks is the guy setting them off.
Can I get a hell yeah from everybody if Craig and Bert are cool with us playing?
DNA
From: H.O.G.
HELL YEAH !! Since I'll be there anyway, that is efficient use of time!
As far as noise issues, we could play quieter than Crank if need be. I'd actually recommend it. And that was really my fault anyway, cuz I asked Craig if I was too loud. He (paraphrasing) told me to turn it up as loud as I wanted. I did.
So anyway, this morning I was standing in the closet pulling out clothes, and noticed that my Tinnitus is becoming more pronounced. There you have it - I just admitted I'm getting old and whiny (as opposed to just whiny). Hearing is a good thing, mostly.
Yes, the party IS kid friendly - if the kids are freaks like their parents. No really, its cool.
HOG
From: Song Engine
Hell Yeah- for the Song Engine, maybe the family could tow along. More on that later. Let me know what music to work on-and other details
Song Engine
To: Mr. Kamikaze, H.O.G., Song Engine
From: DNA
Re: DISCONTENT!!!
Well, guys, DNA wishes he could respond back with songs lists, etc., but SOMEBODY apparently is too busy with WORK or his LIFE or his FAMILY to join our little conversation right now.
His name rhymes with Sister Slahmikaze.
I must have made him mad the last time I was up at his house. For the last time, DNA is sorry he shit in your stairwell.
To: DNA, H.O.G., Song Engine
From: Mr. Kamikaze
Re: The Bacon Of Our Discontent...
To: H.O.G., Mr. Kamikaze, Song Engine
From: DNA
Re: The Bacon Of Out Discontent
DNA is stunned. That was the most beautiful thing DNA has seen this week. DNA is going to buy a pound of bacon and bring it home TONIGHT. And when wifey asks, "What's the bacon for?" DNA will say, "Clothes."
At least it is clear that work, life, and family have not been keeping Mr. Kamikaze away from out little conversation. DNA will note, however, that as enjoyable as seeing a bacon bra was, it was not the HELL YEAH!! DNA was hoping for.
So, Sister,
Is DNA putting too much pressure on you? Are you through working with a self-important douchebag like me? DNA could understand, if that were the case. Do you want DNA's dreams to be crushed?
Let me know,
DNA
From: H.O.G.
To: The Guys
Dude, that was cool. I'll pass that along to the BBQ team promptly.
Oh, and sorry about the "dude" thing, dude.
To: The guys
From: DNA
Re: Helloo-------helloo---------echo--------------homo----------
Date: 4/10/2008
Hi guys, how are you?
Did you get DNA's Kevin Bacon message?
Nobody
emailed
DNA
back.
DNA feels lonely all the way down here in Metropolis.
Did you guys all get together and kick me out of the band?
Can DNA still be a roadie? You can use all my stuff if you want.
Well, DNA heard back from Craig and he sounds very enthused about having us play if indeed we can play. He likes the DNA versus DEVO idea. So, DNA hopes we can. But if we can't, so be it.
On other notes, Mr. Kamikaze, DNA will be in Chicago doing a presentation, and will be in town April 30th and May 1st. Can DNA stay at your house? If so, great, if not, no big deal. DNA just needs to make his plans. DNA is going to try to rent a Dodge Charger to drive up there.
H.O.G., if you have had a moment to listen to the song DNA did about Theo and Marian, DNA will be happy to stay late one evening if you can knock that shit out. It shouldn't take more than an hour.
Song Engine, Schuba's was fun. Thanks again.
Talk to you later,
DNA
To: The Guys
From: DNA
Re: The Kevin Bacon Message
DNA takes it that's a no on the Kevin Bacon message DNA sent out via email?
DNA is ambivalent towards his computer right now. If you didn't get the Kevin Bacon message from DNA, do you want it? Now it's not going to seem quite as funny, since there is all this preconception about "The Kevin Bacon Message."
DNA
From: H.O.G.
To: the Guys
Re: Kevin Bacon
Huh? I like bacon. Go ahead a spam away!
From: Song Engine
To: The guys
Re: Playing a Show This summer....
Did you hear anything else about this July 4 gig? I just saw Jared... I mean heard Jared- who would play that tripped out keyboard?
Let me know if you hear anything so I can plan.
Cheers
Song Engine
To: The Guys
From: DNA
Re: The Demise Of The DNA Vibrators Has Been Greatly Exaggerated
DNA-theists,
DNA had a disconcerting conversation with Mr. Kamikaze last week. It inspired DNA to rush to Chicago for an emergency intervention to be by his side. Mr. Kamikaze, unbeknownst to DNA, or even his friends, was apparently on his death-bed, because he told me that that he just couldn't play a show down here in July, or in the near future, or probably in the distant future, either. The intervention started at 4:13 am last Wednesday. In about the time it takes to watch the Star Wars Trilogy (the good one), DNA was right there, at 4515 N. Bacon Street. Then, DNA remembered he lived on Beacon Street (fucking Bacon-bikini!!!). So, it took a little longer than DNA expected, but DNA knew he could hold on. When DNA got to his house, stoically, heroically, he was still at work, so DNA waited around their front porch and read a good book called "This Is Your Brain On Music." Then, DNA heard the cackle of Mr. Kamikaze's suped-up Volvo wagon. DNA rushed to meet him as he came walking in through the gate in his backyard. He looked deathly pale, the life practically oozing in puddles out of the soles of his shoes...or perhaps that was just the late afternoon sun in DNA's eyes. "Mr. Kamikaze," DNA whispered, getting as close as he could without our faces touching (cuz that would be gay), "what's the problem, ya little dickhead? Why can't you?"
Mr. Kamikaze said, "Uh, hi, DNA? What the hell are you doing here?" He sounded surprisingly okay. Seeing me must have lifted his spirits.
"Is it lupis? Anabolic steroid use? Annie?" DNA asked. "Cuz DNA could talk to her. She thinks DNA is cool."
"What the fuck are you talking about, DNA? Annie doesn't think you're cool!" He was pretty animated for being on his death-bed (maybe he just on his really-tired-from-work-bed).
"C'mon, man, it's just one show. One show which could change the motherfucking planet," which DNA said in the style of his favorite one trick pony, Jack Black. DNA even packed on 30 pounds of pure fat before he left Metropolis to be more inspiring for JUST THIS MOMENT.
Mr. Kamikaze stopped trying to push DNA out of his face. "Are you here right now to get me to play that party thing?..." Incredulous hardly describes how incredulous DNA was.
"Party thing?" DNA said. "Party...thing?" You see, you understand, DNA thought he must have been on his death-bed, or his really-tired-from-work-bed, if he wasn't gung-ho to play.....
Mr. Kamikaze looked like he just watched the Pope masturbate. "You can't be fucking serious. This is why you are here? Do you think you're Jack Black or something?"
It was an honest mistake, right? Why else would he not want to play?
"Well, you didn't respond to my email, and then, well, after the 30th time DNA called, you seemed kind of annoyed, so DNA thought..." which trailed off the same way that a condom hangs out of the mouth of a drunken hooker. You know, kind of sadly.
"You know what this makes you?" Mr. Kamikaze asked.
"A pathetic, little man?"
"Yes."
And Mr. Kamikaze was right. After DNA broke down in tears, DNA realized that this intervention was for him, not Mr. Kamikaze.
So, for DNA's sake, Mr. Kamikaze can't play the show.
Actually, Mr. Kamikaze can't play the show because work, family, stress, and not having time or feeling comfortable to learn a bunch of new songs slapped him like a bitch. DNA could have folded, crumpled under that Ike-Turnerish assault, and said, "Well, then, fuck it, DNA guesses the DNA Vibrators are done." But then DNA realized, DNA has made more records without a real drummer than DNA ever did with one, anyway. Mr. Kamikaze is in the band cuz he is fun, not because he is the drummer. So, DNA asked Mr. Kamikaze if he would be pissed if DNA asked somebody else to play drums, and honestly, he looked relieved, and said, "No, I would not be pissed!"
H.O.G., do you know if Bill Lancaster is still around, or if Taz might be able to get together with us? DNA is thinking about asking my musical friends via myspace to see if any of them would be willing to play drums for us for a set. DNA is also strongly considering playing out, but using the computer, set up on a desk, to play the drums and the keys, kind of like it does, well, now. It would be complete with witty banter, all preprogrammed! Unfortunately, this would probably take a level of precision that DNA is not capable of reproducing live.
However, DNA is just as comfortable telling Craig that Mr. Kamikaze hates him and we can't play his party. DNA just wanted to let you guys know what was up. DNA doesn't want to do any of that until DNA hears back from you guys. So, guys, give me your feedback: What would you like the DNA Vibrators to do? Song Engine, DNA kind of realize that if it ain't you and Mr. Kamikaze both coming down, it's not worth the gas to get here, and DNA is okay with whatever you decide. H.O.G., you and DNA are here anyway, so my opinion for us is WTF---why not? Hell, Mr. Kamikaze, if you want to come to the party, but NOT play, that would be cool, too. Their parties ROCK, and are not to be missed.
On a separate note, H.O.G., if you can squeeze in some time to knock out the best solo of your life EVER, that would be great. Let me know a time that would work for you (preferably after regular work hours---DNA'll stay late!).
The DNA Vibrators are dead. Long live the DNA Vibrators!
From H.O.G.
To: The guys
I am apoplectic. Or is that Apostolic, apologetic, appollonian, or just appalling?
Fuck, I can't even give this a coherent response...
On with my new project, Brother of Sam.
Yes, you heard me. Yes, THAT Sam. Or his brother anyway. Who I just saw at Makanda Fest on saturday. Swaying about, looking old.
You losers don't even know what I'm talking about, do you?
Well you know what? I don't know what to say just now. I'm also quite busy (not) doing some shit I need to get done.
I'll respond more coherently when I have more time...
H.O.G.
To: The Guys
From: DNA
Re: DNA's Last weird email...
Hi folks,
DNA thinks perhaps his last email, in an attempt to be humorous, was a little weird, even for DNA.
So DNA'll summarize it for you: Mr. Kamikaze can't play in July, and is real busy.
DNA would like to know in the next few days if anybody else is interested in playing, cuz DNA ain't gonna throw a bunch of shit together at the last minute, and if we play, DNA got a lot of work to do (either arranging shit with a new drummer and possibly two guitars, or writing/recording/editing a bunch of shit on the computer). If we can't/won't play, then DNA wants to be able to tell Craig and Bert about it right away.
Talk to you later,
DNA
To: The Guys
From: H.O.G.
Re: Fucking weird email....
Yeah, my response was a little weird too, though I was definitely attempting to be humorous.
So my vote is we just bow out. It's too fucked up. I have too many other things going on.
I have a wedding to play over Memorial Day weekend. I'm not ready.
I have two (3?) concerts (like real serious performances) in the middle of June. Again, not ready.
I could go on with 1/2 dozen other things, but that is enough to freak me out.
I don't think I will be able to really enjoy the process of doing a show, and if it ain't fun...
Which is probably where Mr. Kamikaze is at, even if he could make it down.
Let's do it if/when we are ready and NEED to do it. I'm not saying you don't have needs, DNA;?}
Anyway, I'm off to rehearsal for said June concerts.
DNA, I don't know if/when I can record at this point. Let me try to get shit straight over the weekend and let you know.
I would still be willing to play (something) at ReevesFest, but I think DNA will be problematic.
Peace guys, H.O.G.
At which point, we took H.O.G.'s advice, and bowed out. See how weird shit can get when people talk to each other?
Permanent Historical Record: 06/12/08
And Then There Were Nine...
Since DNA completed
It Could Have Been Worse
it wrote two songs in quick succession: "It Got Worse," and "You Didn't Know." The first song, "It Got Worse," is the call back to the above mentioned song. The next song, "You Didn't Know," was inspired by DNA's cat, Ptolemy. He is nearing death's door, and we will probably be taking him to the vet this Saturday to be euthanized. Once you realize DNA is singing to his soon-to-be-dead cat, it makes the whole song more gay, DNA guesses (if that's possible). Screw you guys! It makes it cooler!!!
So, the new record is shaping up as follows:
There's Something On Your Back
Black Monday
The Ballad of Theo and Marian
I Saw Jared
You Call My Name
The Simple Pleasures
It Could Have Been Worse
It Got Worse
You Didn't Know
And here are the new songs:
It Got Worse
You Didn't Know
That's like, 9 songs already. You know, DNA could have spent that time doing aerobics, or learning origami.
Permanent Historical Record: 06/20/08
Music News and Myoo-SICK Revues!!!
DNA has written a couple of more songs, and is going to resurrect an old Coolies song called, "This Song (was written for my friend, Jim)." DNA has decided on at least one cover song: "Big Bad John," by none other than Jimmy Dean, more famous now for sausage than hit records. DNA would also like to fit in one more cover song. Any ideas?
Time for another Myoo-SICK Revue. This one has been a long time coming. DNA has only bought a couple of new records lately, new to him, at least. DNA is gay for the Supersuckers, so it has been buying up their stuff, and DNA is now carrying the torch for this installment's review subject: the band Polysics.
What do you need to know about Polysics? Well how about this? They're cool. They're from Japan. They've been around for over 10 years, but unless you're into import vinyl and CD's, you probably have never heard of them. Because at first glance, they look like a DEVO clone, circa 1980, even if you had heard of them, you might just pass them by, and say something like, "Fuck, I just don't get the Japanese."
DNA is here to say, "Fuck, DNA just don't get the Japanese," and that is okay. Polysics is not so much about the obsessive mimicry of Western styles that permeates Japanese culture, but about paying homage, making inspired quirky songs from the New Wave spring that still bubbles up on the side of Mt. Fuji, and also really innovating sound, and trying elements of different styles.
Far from being a DEVO clone, Polysics is a DEVO meets Man-Or-Astroman clone, and hell, aren't there hundreds of bands like that? Oh, that's right. There is one. Polysics.
In most myoo-SICK revues, DNA quotes some lyrics out of context to make bands sound really ignorant, but it is hard to do with Polysics, since most of the lyrics are in Japanese. Some are in English, DNA thinks, but in the end, it doesn't matter. The sounds of the lyrics are part of the brush Polysics uses to paint their old Korg Poly Six keyboards.
In the album DNA just purchased, called Polysics Or Die!!!! Vista, a greatest hits compilation (their second, actually) there are some songs or sounds that are a little too DEVO for their own good. It's hard to beat the boys from Akron at their own game, and unfortunately, when Polysics mines that vein a little too deeply, they sound more like a caricature than a creative force. However, on some cuts, like "I My Me Mine," they capture the guts of New Wave with very little of the glitter and black eyeliner that went with the typical synth band. The old analog synths deliver the "soul" of the biomechanical rhythm, but the fuzz and overdriven drums, frantic and frenetic vocals, and the tri-tone creepy synth texture on the top makes this little gem really shine. And, you can't get much greasier on a keyboard bassline than the song, "Kaja Kaja Goo," which must means something in Japanese and simultaneously points out how idiotic one of the more successful new wave synth bands, Kaja Goo Goo, was.
Here's a clip from YouTube:
The girl in the video isn't in the band, or so DNA has heard. She just kind of hangs out with them.
And you might as well see the rest of the story:
So, go buy the record. It's available on iTunes, or in really cool records stores. While you're at it, check out the Octopus Project, too. More fun in the same vein.
No more YouTube shit. DNA gets it. Sorry. He was stuck on the cut and paste.
Permanent Historical Record: 06/03/08
Coming Hard And Fast...
For weeks, DNA has not been very inspired, musically, but in the last couple of weeks, that all changed. Several songs kind of spurted out in a few spasms. The latest one is called "It Could Have Been Worse," and is presented below for your enjoyment:
It Could Have Been Worse
The next song in the que is titled, "It Got Worse," about a depressed guy who doesn't know exactly why he is down.
On another note, but related to the post title, "Coming Hard and Fast," DNA would like to announce a Happy Birthday to the Reverend. Scotty Karate is now officially old, but can still out drink, think, screw, chew, fight, and delight YOU! The Reverend came by to visit from his digs in Florida this week. It was great to see the Reverend and H.O.G. out at the H.O.G's place.
For any of you Carbondale locals who read this, make sure you take the time June 13th to visit H.O.G. and his classical guitar playing compatriots at Shryock Auditorium. They will be playing some seriously fucked up and wonderful classical guitar backed by a full orchestra. That is some serious playing, and it is my understanding that most of the musicians will not drinking or on drugs during the performance. That really should be worth seeing.
Over the last month or two, DNA has had to face some hard-ass facts. Because life is coming hard and fast at H.O.G., and at Mr. Kamikaze, and also at DNA, grandiose plans of a triumphant return to the stage have been postponed. So, travel back in time with DNA, and watch the desperate cry for help of a lonely, lonely old bastard. Here's how the little drama played out, across the internets and email accounts of the band.
To: Mr. Kamikaze, H.O.G., Song Engine
From: The DNA Vibrator
Re: Playing a Show This Summer
Date: 3/11/2008
Hi, DN-Acolytes,
This is DNA. How are you? After playing at Schuba's, DNA would like to play again. While DNA was at Mr. Kamikaze's house in Chicago, DNA thought about doing a "Komodo Drag Queens" show, in which we play as the band "Komodo Drag Queens." The schtick is that we are straight, dressing in garish metallic green bras, skirts, garters, and heels, if possible, and play songs only from female bands, that emphasize womanly-ness, but we sing and play them like the 40 something depressed loser bastards that we are, as if we discovered a niche market that needed a band---"Hey, you know who would pay money to see us? Fat middle-aged guys who like to sing songs about women and watch guys dress badly in drag. We should so do this thing!"
That, however, would require work, make-up, costumes, and way more energy than DNA can probably muster. So, instead, DNA would like to do a show in which we play only DNA songs and DEVO songs, and engage the audience in guessing which is which. Inspired by the Hoot Night, DNA would like to do DNA versus DEVO, and play about seven or eight songs from each band, with one or two additional songs in reserve (encore). Through the show, DNA would give out prizes and trivia about DNA and about DEVO.
H.O.G. said that June was not good for him, so what would you guys think about doing a show in July? We could play up at the Hangar, or possibly at Craig and Berts, or possibly both.
DNA will not get freaky about the set list, but DNA does have one tentatively picked out.
Freedom Of Choice, Fistful of Cleveland, Just Give Me A Drink, Girl You Want , Well, Gates Of Steel, Plate Tectonic King, Blockhead, All I Want For Christmas Is A Whole Lot Of Cash, Jerkin' Back 'N' Forth, A Note To My Old Band, Going Under, Bad Thing, 138, Whip It, God Made Us Funky, and Uncontrollable Urge.
DNA can make the CD and send it out if you guys are interested. DNA thinks it would be a lot of fun. Get back with me when you get a minute, so DNA can start working on a venue. Mr. Kamikaze, if Nonagon wants to play, that would be great.
DNA
From: Song Engine
To: DNA, H.O.G., Mr. Kamikaze
Re: Playing A Show This Summer
> Sounds great, but it might conflict with my other drag queen band, "A Bitch of a Donna Summer " late summer tour thru the rustbelt. > Maybe we can work something out, the girls(guys) are very flexible. >ASong Engine
From: Mr. Kamikaze:
> I'm still working on my conceptual "Pat Benatar doing Men At Work" band-- Pat "Benatwork" ... so I may or may not be available. >
> I'm thinking I'll be available...
From: H.O.G.
Don't forget my 80's style hair-metal band "Chicks with Dicks". Not quite drag queen, but close enough to be virtually indistinguishable. They might be willing to open...
From: DNA
And this is why DNA loves you guys.
The other drag queen band DNA is currently fronting, "Urethra Franklin," might get pissed, no pun intended, if they don't play, too. DNA'll talk to Sally at the Hangar about a date, and if that won't work, DNA'll talk with Dave Marquis to do something at PK's.
DNA would like to have the Dammit Boys play along with. If Nonagon can play, too, that would be cool, but if they can't, DNA'll get Moon Buggy Kids, or Secondary Modern to hop on board.
DNA
To: Mr. Kamikaze, H.O.G., Song Engine
From: The DNA Vibrator
Re: The Summer Of Our Discontent
Date: 4/3/2008
Hey Mr. Kamikaze, H.O.G., and Song Engine,
How are you? This is DNA. A while ago I emailed you guys about playing before Jesus returns. I had narrowed that down to sometime this summer. After talking (emailing) with H.O.G., DNA decided he would talk to Craig and Bert about possibly playing their 4th of July party. This year, it may happen on the 4th, it may happen on the 5th. Bert needed to talk to Craig, but sounded very excited about having DNA play if we are able to swing it.
Here is the pitch to the Chicago guys: It is perhaps the best party Southern Illinois throws, and its chock full of people who still know you! It is kid/family friendly, with lots of kids/families there. There is camping out, tent style, on the large estate which is Craig and Bert's, and more of the BEST barbecue than the whole army of people who are there can possibly eat. Yes, there will be alcohol there. Yes, people will drink and be stupid. But as far as kids and safety are concerned, we took Carl last year, and he didn't blow his fingers off around the fireworks, so that is saying something. It has been busted by the cops the last few years, however. One year CRANK played. Sorry, we kind of spoiled it for everybody. Last year, some fireworks hit a neighbor's house. Craig and Bert are working on those noise and fireworks issues.
Oh yeah, the fireworks! Comparable to most southern Illinois cities' fireworks, only James Ricks is the guy setting them off.
Can I get a hell yeah from everybody if Craig and Bert are cool with us playing?
DNA
From: H.O.G.
HELL YEAH !! Since I'll be there anyway, that is efficient use of time!
As far as noise issues, we could play quieter than Crank if need be. I'd actually recommend it. And that was really my fault anyway, cuz I asked Craig if I was too loud. He (paraphrasing) told me to turn it up as loud as I wanted. I did.
So anyway, this morning I was standing in the closet pulling out clothes, and noticed that my Tinnitus is becoming more pronounced. There you have it - I just admitted I'm getting old and whiny (as opposed to just whiny). Hearing is a good thing, mostly.
Yes, the party IS kid friendly - if the kids are freaks like their parents. No really, its cool.
HOG
From: Song Engine
Hell Yeah- for the Song Engine, maybe the family could tow along. More on that later. Let me know what music to work on-and other details
Song Engine
To: Mr. Kamikaze, H.O.G., Song Engine
From: DNA
Re: DISCONTENT!!!
Well, guys, DNA wishes he could respond back with songs lists, etc., but SOMEBODY apparently is too busy with WORK or his LIFE or his FAMILY to join our little conversation right now.
His name rhymes with Sister Slahmikaze.
I must have made him mad the last time I was up at his house. For the last time, DNA is sorry he shit in your stairwell.
To: DNA, H.O.G., Song Engine
From: Mr. Kamikaze
Re: The Bacon Of Our Discontent...
To: H.O.G., Mr. Kamikaze, Song Engine
From: DNA
Re: The Bacon Of Out Discontent
DNA is stunned. That was the most beautiful thing DNA has seen this week. DNA is going to buy a pound of bacon and bring it home TONIGHT. And when wifey asks, "What's the bacon for?" DNA will say, "Clothes."
At least it is clear that work, life, and family have not been keeping Mr. Kamikaze away from out little conversation. DNA will note, however, that as enjoyable as seeing a bacon bra was, it was not the HELL YEAH!! DNA was hoping for.
So, Sister,
Is DNA putting too much pressure on you? Are you through working with a self-important douchebag like me? DNA could understand, if that were the case. Do you want DNA's dreams to be crushed?
Let me know,
DNA
From: H.O.G.
To: The Guys
Dude, that was cool. I'll pass that along to the BBQ team promptly.
Oh, and sorry about the "dude" thing, dude.
To: The guys
From: DNA
Re: Helloo-------helloo---------echo--------------homo----------
Date: 4/10/2008
Hi guys, how are you?
Did you get DNA's Kevin Bacon message?
Nobody
emailed
DNA
back.
DNA feels lonely all the way down here in Metropolis.
Did you guys all get together and kick me out of the band?
Can DNA still be a roadie? You can use all my stuff if you want.
Well, DNA heard back from Craig and he sounds very enthused about having us play if indeed we can play. He likes the DNA versus DEVO idea. So, DNA hopes we can. But if we can't, so be it.
On other notes, Mr. Kamikaze, DNA will be in Chicago doing a presentation, and will be in town April 30th and May 1st. Can DNA stay at your house? If so, great, if not, no big deal. DNA just needs to make his plans. DNA is going to try to rent a Dodge Charger to drive up there.
H.O.G., if you have had a moment to listen to the song DNA did about Theo and Marian, DNA will be happy to stay late one evening if you can knock that shit out. It shouldn't take more than an hour.
Song Engine, Schuba's was fun. Thanks again.
Talk to you later,
DNA
To: The Guys
From: DNA
Re: The Kevin Bacon Message
DNA takes it that's a no on the Kevin Bacon message DNA sent out via email?
DNA is ambivalent towards his computer right now. If you didn't get the Kevin Bacon message from DNA, do you want it? Now it's not going to seem quite as funny, since there is all this preconception about "The Kevin Bacon Message."
DNA
From: H.O.G.
To: the Guys
Re: Kevin Bacon
Huh? I like bacon. Go ahead a spam away!
From: Song Engine
To: The guys
Re: Playing a Show This summer....
Did you hear anything else about this July 4 gig? I just saw Jared... I mean heard Jared- who would play that tripped out keyboard?
Let me know if you hear anything so I can plan.
Cheers
Song Engine
To: The Guys
From: DNA
Re: The Demise Of The DNA Vibrators Has Been Greatly Exaggerated
DNA-theists,
DNA had a disconcerting conversation with Mr. Kamikaze last week. It inspired DNA to rush to Chicago for an emergency intervention to be by his side. Mr. Kamikaze, unbeknownst to DNA, or even his friends, was apparently on his death-bed, because he told me that that he just couldn't play a show down here in July, or in the near future, or probably in the distant future, either. The intervention started at 4:13 am last Wednesday. In about the time it takes to watch the Star Wars Trilogy (the good one), DNA was right there, at 4515 N. Bacon Street. Then, DNA remembered he lived on Beacon Street (fucking Bacon-bikini!!!). So, it took a little longer than DNA expected, but DNA knew he could hold on. When DNA got to his house, stoically, heroically, he was still at work, so DNA waited around their front porch and read a good book called "This Is Your Brain On Music." Then, DNA heard the cackle of Mr. Kamikaze's suped-up Volvo wagon. DNA rushed to meet him as he came walking in through the gate in his backyard. He looked deathly pale, the life practically oozing in puddles out of the soles of his shoes...or perhaps that was just the late afternoon sun in DNA's eyes. "Mr. Kamikaze," DNA whispered, getting as close as he could without our faces touching (cuz that would be gay), "what's the problem, ya little dickhead? Why can't you?"
Mr. Kamikaze said, "Uh, hi, DNA? What the hell are you doing here?" He sounded surprisingly okay. Seeing me must have lifted his spirits.
"Is it lupis? Anabolic steroid use? Annie?" DNA asked. "Cuz DNA could talk to her. She thinks DNA is cool."
"What the fuck are you talking about, DNA? Annie doesn't think you're cool!" He was pretty animated for being on his death-bed (maybe he just on his really-tired-from-work-bed).
"C'mon, man, it's just one show. One show which could change the motherfucking planet," which DNA said in the style of his favorite one trick pony, Jack Black. DNA even packed on 30 pounds of pure fat before he left Metropolis to be more inspiring for JUST THIS MOMENT.
Mr. Kamikaze stopped trying to push DNA out of his face. "Are you here right now to get me to play that party thing?..." Incredulous hardly describes how incredulous DNA was.
"Party thing?" DNA said. "Party...thing?" You see, you understand, DNA thought he must have been on his death-bed, or his really-tired-from-work-bed, if he wasn't gung-ho to play.....
Mr. Kamikaze looked like he just watched the Pope masturbate. "You can't be fucking serious. This is why you are here? Do you think you're Jack Black or something?"
It was an honest mistake, right? Why else would he not want to play?
"Well, you didn't respond to my email, and then, well, after the 30th time DNA called, you seemed kind of annoyed, so DNA thought..." which trailed off the same way that a condom hangs out of the mouth of a drunken hooker. You know, kind of sadly.
"You know what this makes you?" Mr. Kamikaze asked.
"A pathetic, little man?"
"Yes."
And Mr. Kamikaze was right. After DNA broke down in tears, DNA realized that this intervention was for him, not Mr. Kamikaze.
So, for DNA's sake, Mr. Kamikaze can't play the show.
Actually, Mr. Kamikaze can't play the show because work, family, stress, and not having time or feeling comfortable to learn a bunch of new songs slapped him like a bitch. DNA could have folded, crumpled under that Ike-Turnerish assault, and said, "Well, then, fuck it, DNA guesses the DNA Vibrators are done." But then DNA realized, DNA has made more records without a real drummer than DNA ever did with one, anyway. Mr. Kamikaze is in the band cuz he is fun, not because he is the drummer. So, DNA asked Mr. Kamikaze if he would be pissed if DNA asked somebody else to play drums, and honestly, he looked relieved, and said, "No, I would not be pissed!"
H.O.G., do you know if Bill Lancaster is still around, or if Taz might be able to get together with us? DNA is thinking about asking my musical friends via myspace to see if any of them would be willing to play drums for us for a set. DNA is also strongly considering playing out, but using the computer, set up on a desk, to play the drums and the keys, kind of like it does, well, now. It would be complete with witty banter, all preprogrammed! Unfortunately, this would probably take a level of precision that DNA is not capable of reproducing live.
However, DNA is just as comfortable telling Craig that Mr. Kamikaze hates him and we can't play his party. DNA just wanted to let you guys know what was up. DNA doesn't want to do any of that until DNA hears back from you guys. So, guys, give me your feedback: What would you like the DNA Vibrators to do? Song Engine, DNA kind of realize that if it ain't you and Mr. Kamikaze both coming down, it's not worth the gas to get here, and DNA is okay with whatever you decide. H.O.G., you and DNA are here anyway, so my opinion for us is WTF---why not? Hell, Mr. Kamikaze, if you want to come to the party, but NOT play, that would be cool, too. Their parties ROCK, and are not to be missed.
On a separate note, H.O.G., if you can squeeze in some time to knock out the best solo of your life EVER, that would be great. Let me know a time that would work for you (preferably after regular work hours---DNA'll stay late!).
The DNA Vibrators are dead. Long live the DNA Vibrators!
From H.O.G.
To: The guys
I am apoplectic. Or is that Apostolic, apologetic, appollonian, or just appalling?
Fuck, I can't even give this a coherent response...
On with my new project, Brother of Sam.
Yes, you heard me. Yes, THAT Sam. Or his brother anyway. Who I just saw at Makanda Fest on saturday. Swaying about, looking old.
You losers don't even know what I'm talking about, do you?
Well you know what? I don't know what to say just now. I'm also quite busy (not) doing some shit I need to get done.
I'll respond more coherently when I have more time...
H.O.G.
To: The Guys
From: DNA
Re: DNA's Last weird email...
Hi folks,
DNA thinks perhaps his last email, in an attempt to be humorous, was a little weird, even for DNA.
So DNA'll summarize it for you: Mr. Kamikaze can't play in July, and is real busy.
DNA would like to know in the next few days if anybody else is interested in playing, cuz DNA ain't gonna throw a bunch of shit together at the last minute, and if we play, DNA got a lot of work to do (either arranging shit with a new drummer and possibly two guitars, or writing/recording/editing a bunch of shit on the computer). If we can't/won't play, then DNA wants to be able to tell Craig and Bert about it right away.
Talk to you later,
DNA
To: The Guys
From: H.O.G.
Re: Fucking weird email....
Yeah, my response was a little weird too, though I was definitely attempting to be humorous.
So my vote is we just bow out. It's too fucked up. I have too many other things going on.
I have a wedding to play over Memorial Day weekend. I'm not ready.
I have two (3?) concerts (like real serious performances) in the middle of June. Again, not ready.
I could go on with 1/2 dozen other things, but that is enough to freak me out.
I don't think I will be able to really enjoy the process of doing a show, and if it ain't fun...
Which is probably where Mr. Kamikaze is at, even if he could make it down.
Let's do it if/when we are ready and NEED to do it. I'm not saying you don't have needs, DNA;?}
Anyway, I'm off to rehearsal for said June concerts.
DNA, I don't know if/when I can record at this point. Let me try to get shit straight over the weekend and let you know.
I would still be willing to play (something) at ReevesFest, but I think DNA will be problematic.
Peace guys, H.O.G.
At which point, we took H.O.G.'s advice, and bowed out. See how weird shit can get when people talk to each other?
Permanent Historical Record: 06/12/08
And Then There Were Nine...
Since DNA completed
It Could Have Been Worse
it wrote two songs in quick succession: "It Got Worse," and "You Didn't Know." The first song, "It Got Worse," is the call back to the above mentioned song. The next song, "You Didn't Know," was inspired by DNA's cat, Ptolemy. He is nearing death's door, and we will probably be taking him to the vet this Saturday to be euthanized. Once you realize DNA is singing to his soon-to-be-dead cat, it makes the whole song more gay, DNA guesses (if that's possible). Screw you guys! It makes it cooler!!!
So, the new record is shaping up as follows:
There's Something On Your Back
Black Monday
The Ballad of Theo and Marian
I Saw Jared
You Call My Name
The Simple Pleasures
It Could Have Been Worse
It Got Worse
You Didn't Know
And here are the new songs:
It Got Worse
You Didn't Know
That's like, 9 songs already. You know, DNA could have spent that time doing aerobics, or learning origami.
Permanent Historical Record: 06/20/08
Music News and Myoo-SICK Revues!!!
DNA has written a couple of more songs, and is going to resurrect an old Coolies song called, "This Song (was written for my friend, Jim)." DNA has decided on at least one cover song: "Big Bad John," by none other than Jimmy Dean, more famous now for sausage than hit records. DNA would also like to fit in one more cover song. Any ideas?
Time for another Myoo-SICK Revue. This one has been a long time coming. DNA has only bought a couple of new records lately, new to him, at least. DNA is gay for the Supersuckers, so it has been buying up their stuff, and DNA is now carrying the torch for this installment's review subject: the band Polysics.
What do you need to know about Polysics? Well how about this? They're cool. They're from Japan. They've been around for over 10 years, but unless you're into import vinyl and CD's, you probably have never heard of them. Because at first glance, they look like a DEVO clone, circa 1980, even if you had heard of them, you might just pass them by, and say something like, "Fuck, I just don't get the Japanese."
DNA is here to say, "Fuck, DNA just don't get the Japanese," and that is okay. Polysics is not so much about the obsessive mimicry of Western styles that permeates Japanese culture, but about paying homage, making inspired quirky songs from the New Wave spring that still bubbles up on the side of Mt. Fuji, and also really innovating sound, and trying elements of different styles.
Far from being a DEVO clone, Polysics is a DEVO meets Man-Or-Astroman clone, and hell, aren't there hundreds of bands like that? Oh, that's right. There is one. Polysics.
In most myoo-SICK revues, DNA quotes some lyrics out of context to make bands sound really ignorant, but it is hard to do with Polysics, since most of the lyrics are in Japanese. Some are in English, DNA thinks, but in the end, it doesn't matter. The sounds of the lyrics are part of the brush Polysics uses to paint their old Korg Poly Six keyboards.
In the album DNA just purchased, called Polysics Or Die!!!! Vista, a greatest hits compilation (their second, actually) there are some songs or sounds that are a little too DEVO for their own good. It's hard to beat the boys from Akron at their own game, and unfortunately, when Polysics mines that vein a little too deeply, they sound more like a caricature than a creative force. However, on some cuts, like "I My Me Mine," they capture the guts of New Wave with very little of the glitter and black eyeliner that went with the typical synth band. The old analog synths deliver the "soul" of the biomechanical rhythm, but the fuzz and overdriven drums, frantic and frenetic vocals, and the tri-tone creepy synth texture on the top makes this little gem really shine. And, you can't get much greasier on a keyboard bassline than the song, "Kaja Kaja Goo," which must means something in Japanese and simultaneously points out how idiotic one of the more successful new wave synth bands, Kaja Goo Goo, was.
Here's a clip from YouTube:
The girl in the video isn't in the band, or so DNA has heard. She just kind of hangs out with them.
And you might as well see the rest of the story:
So, go buy the record. It's available on iTunes, or in really cool records stores. While you're at it, check out the Octopus Project, too. More fun in the same vein.
No more YouTube shit. DNA gets it. Sorry. He was stuck on the cut and paste.
November, 2007
By the end of November, DNA will have put out three records this year. Add your own interpretation to that fact.
Permanent Historical Record: 11/01/07
Sick...
It never fails that at about this time, DNA gets sick. There are two articles DNA has written, but it will wait until DNA feels better to post.
Permanent Historical Record: 11/02/07
Everyones' A Critic...
MyuSICK REVUE
This is a feature that DNA has wanted to do for some time. Hopefully, he will make this a regular feature. After having established in this blog that logically, no music sucks, only the listener's ability to appreciate it does, he was swamped with literally hundreds of humble submissions from readers which really did suck. Hack songs, hack lyrics, terrible production, rehashed themes, blatantly ripped off melodies, you name it, DNA heard it. So, DNA might have to reconsider the concept that no music sucks. Many examples of DNA's own songs are not very likable, so DNA understands that some songs might take a lot of bourbon or weed to appreciate.
However, even music that sucks must have some redeeming value, right? Right? Well, DNA will be the judge. DNA will try to select a wide variety of music, popular, obscure, current, past, famous and not, and try to provide a critical analysis. DNA will try to be fair, to understand why something he thinks is terrible might be liked by somebody. AND, if DNA disses a band you like, then DNA will print your critical rebuttal if it is any good.
DNA expects that most of what he reviews will be easy to skewer, some of it will need to be skewered and hasn�t been, and every once in awhile, he will find some stuff that has been skewered that needs to be admired, and even more rarely, will find something really good that has been missed.
Myspace seemed like a good place to start searching for artists who fit the above criteria. DNA went to Myspace, and went to the Top Artists tab. The top of the top unsigned artists today (11/2/07) was one Tila Tequila.
"Tila Nguyen was 1 year old when she moved to the U.S. from Singapore, but she's Vietnamese by heritage and blond by choice. As for what she does for a living, there isn't really a word for it yet. Nguyen, who goes by Tila Tequila professionally, is some combination of rapper, singer, model, blogger and actress. But what she mostly is is the queen of the massive social-networking website MySpace..." - Time Magazine
Okay, get that? TIME MAGAZINE???? Sorry. Instead of giving you a couple of quotes encapsulating the psychology of why anyone expresses any kind of interest in Tila, DNA will direct you to this well-written article in the New York times.
Seriously, take a moment to read it. It says everything DNA could about what motivates us as a culture. But, DNA isn�t here to critique Tila as a human being, or a myspace phenomena, or MTV sl---uh, star, but as a musician. DNA looked for a long time for anyone actually reviewing her music.
Out of 819,000 hits for "Tila Tequila Review," DNA found only three actual reviews of songs by Tila Tequila. Some might argue that this alone is overwhelming evidence that, like so many have written, she is less artist than entrepreneur, which is the word they use for "whore" in the nice blogs. In the not so nice blogs, they use "whore" for "whore."
Here is a sample of her writing on the song, "Stripper Friends:"
"All my stripper friends, all my ex-boyfriends, we all want the same thing, we all want the same thing.
Bodies in the bar, reaching for the stars, we all want the same thing, we all want the same thing."
Good writers write what they know. DNA is not surprised that Tila knows lots about strippers and has lots of ex-boyfriends. But is this enough meat to feed a song? Is the rhyme between the words "friends" and "friends" too forced? Or the one between "bar"and "stars" so complex as to undermine the depth of the subject? This review is already too heavy, cuz DNA senses some IRON-y. Oh, and the pronoun "we" isn't correct as she uses it. Not to be a little grammar bitch, but it should be "they." C'mon, it's a fucking pronoun. This alone should tell you the level at which she writes.
We are led through a litany of simple rhymes, a simple theme, and a droning refrain, in the mode of any number of pouty-mouthed (and also potty-mouthed) so-called bombshells. Why do our current pop singers sing like they just had dicks in their mouths? Oh. That must be the answer.
After Donna Summers'hit "Love To Love You Baby" stunned people with its steaming sensuality, any number of 'pop' artists have attempted to breathe, moan, and groan their lyrics in an attempt to make their rather pedantic and forced music to sound raw and sensual like that. That was distilled into a very sick vintage in Britney Spears, and has been guzzled by a whole generation of singers who think that "sexual" and "sensual" are the same thing. This whole affectation of over pronounced consonants, as if the singer's tongue is too thick for her mouth (which is exactly the effect they are going for, so sad little boys can think about that girl's tongue, maybe with a stud in it, and what she would do with that), and over-exaggerated hyperbole must stop.
Since she tells us that "we all want the same thing," and the rhetorical device tells us that Tila is the "everywoman" who can tell us what that is, DNA has to ask, "Why the fuck wait until 3 minutes and 9 seconds into the song before you let us know what that is? Generally, holding a bit of information like that to create artificial interest or tension, or to inflate the importance of the concept is an example of weak writing." DNA guesses that Tila is guilty as charged. Here is the wisdom she imparts at nearly the end of the song:
"We all wanna live we all wanna learn how to love without getttin burned We want to be loved, are we good enough? Yeah, yeah."
No, no, we are not good enough. Not yet.
So, she doesn't distinguish herself as a singer, or as a songwriter. The production values aren't bad, certainly passable, but are nothing that can't be done by somebody with a computer in his basement. The beats, the arrangements, the musical talent which is required to write the music itself is fairly small. Does she distinguish herself in any other way? Well, she poses in some of the same ways as porn star Asia Carrera, and Asia actually has some pretty impressive skills, so DNA guesses that counts for something. Look at them side by side.
Asia Carrera...............................
Tila Tequila...............................
Put them together and you get Tia Carrere!
She certainly has marketed herself into a position of fame, has a TV show, has millions of myspace friends, and has a single that DNA's son has heard on the radio. Tila Tequila is no different than any number of the relatively talentless, relatively nice to look at women who are made into 'stars,' with the exception that she actually made herself without the help of Warner Brothers or Disney, which is saying something. DNA thinks it is saying that the bar, officially dropped by reality TV and OJ, has reached a new lower equilibrium. This should not surprise us. As long as good singers, and good musicians are still able to be heard and seen, why do any of us care if Tila can titillate the lowest common denominator? She ain't no Aretha Franklin, hell, she ain't even a Mariah Carey, okay, fuck it, she ain't even at the level of Fergie or the Pussycat Dolls. Still, when your retarded half-sister sings in front of the family at the reunion, shouldn't everybody there clap, and is it wrong that some of the family really thinks she is good?
PROS: She kind of looks like a bobble head of herself, already. Marketing genius if she gives out bobble-heads at her concerts.
CONS: Her writing is simple, her sense of melody basic, her concepts fairly low-brow ("I don't wanna fuck your man" comes to mind), her delivery uninspired, and her affectation of the 'sex-kitten' does not come off as sensual, but as soft-core porn, which considering DNA's comparison of Tila to Asia Carrera, should show you how bad someone trying to be 'hard-core' sexual looks when they don't have the courage of their convictions, and just wants to appear 'hard-core.' Asia Carrera, DNA respects. Tila Tequila, not so much.
PROS: Tila proves that the democratizing power of the internet works.
CONS: God help us all from the river of shit her wave of success has unleashed. Prepare to be underwhelmed.
DNA debated a long time about even reviewing her music, because DNA is only adding to the number of hits that her name gets every day. This is like an endorsement, no matter what her music is like. But DNA really couldn't find any good reviews of her music, so this was justification enough. Just because it is shitty doesn't mean it gets a pass. In this respect, Tila is experiencing a case of the emperor's new clothes. Once public affection has died, once her looks fade, and nobody cares about the trailer park parade she is currently leading, then people might look back and say, "No, I don't see it. I don't know what I liked about her," and she might say, "Wow, I really didn't have very much talent." DNA doesn't want to throw stones, really. DNA doesn't have a lot of talent, either. DNA makes no claims other than it is what it is. A last word: Who has millions of fans but does not have a record deal? Tila.
Permanent Historical Record: 11/07/07
Plagiarism...And Other Crimes
For those of you who do not share an affinity with Carbondale, IL, or SIU, you might want to tune this blog post out. Unless, of course, you enjoy erudite exposition and thought-provoking analysis on exciting topics like intellectual property rights. Hello? Hello? Anybody there? For those of you still reading, SIU's President, Glenn Poshard, is in some hot water, for plagiarizing a few times in his doctoral dissertation. Some are calling for his head, some are backing him all the way, and for lots of reasons, the issue doesn't look like it is going away. So, DNA decided to weigh in on the subject, mainly because most of the crap that has been written about the topic has been, well, CRAP. So, printed in its entirety, with some small edits (like putting 'DNA' instead of ***** in the places DNA refers to itself), here is our first installment of
Self-serving, Self-aggrandizing, Academic Snobfoppery Theater
Tonight's episode: Plagiarism And Other Capital Crimes
Most of you out there don't care about the happenings at a small Midwestern university, unless that phrase was preceded by the words, "Dear Penthouse: I never thought this would happen to me. I attend a small Midwestern university...." But within the university community, these happenings whirl frenetically like a tornado fed by the spinning of its own tail/tale (take your pick).
DNA has been thinking about the issue of plagiarism in the hopes that DNA could distill this slurry he has been reading in the papers and on the internet into a shot of something with a little more, well, character. Kind of like the difference between drinking a slug of white lightning, compared to a nice draw of aged Kentucky bourbon. One will burn your nose hairs and cause you to see funny. The other uses your whole circulatory system as a filter for smoky sophistication. The problem is, DNA doesn't think the current row about plagiarism is really about plagiarism.
Let's assume, for a moment, that this debate is actually about plagiarism. DNA is purposely not going to define the term here. There are more definitions of plagiarism than there are instances of plagiarism in SIU system president Glenn Poshard's dissertation. Rather, DNA wants to talk about what it is. From a student's standpoint, it is the caged beast used by teachers, administrators, and institutions to inspire fear--- whoops, DNA means, to instill the highest standards of integrity for the intellectual process in their students. From a teacher's standpoint, it is a crime, the prosecution of which protects a teacher's value on the open market--- whoops, DNA means, protects their intellectual property. How plagiarism is defined is not so clear. Whether different activities constitute plagiarism, and whether the same penalties should be imposed for an act of plagiarism depending on your professional level (or lack of it) should be up for debate.
Students need and benefit from direct statements about plagiarism so that they understand clearly what is considered cheating and what is not. Students might plagiarize because they know less of what is common knowledge in a particular field; students might plagiarize because they are less familiar with the rules regarding the fair use of others' works; students might plagiarize because a sufficient "weeding out" process is still occurring during the undergraduate years, and many students who actively cheat are only then getting caught in serious enough infractions; students might plagiarize because many of them aren't particularly interested, invested, or driven to create their own work, or to do the research that allows them to find their own voices, et cetera. (DNA views this primarily as a failure of teachers to find the methods to inspire their students.) There are many reasons students might plagiarize, almost all of which, with the exception of unrepentant, continued, blatant cheating, should be accepted by teachers the way a parent accepts reasons for bad behavior from a child who is still learning how to do things: Negatively reinforce to extinguish a behavior, and positively reinforce to change the behavior. When this is done correctly, the negative reinforcement should not overshadow the positive reinforcement. Then, Professor Skinner rings a bell, and all the kids look out the window due to his semester's long operant conditioning. DNA is not a behaviorist, but certainly, there are times when the model works.
If schools want to teach kids that plagiarism is bad, then instructors shouldn't level the worst punishment (failing a class, being suspended or expelled) at students for the first, or second (or, gasp, maybe even the third) infraction of the rules or for an inadvertent infraction. Wouldn't it be a more effective lesson about the value of intellectual and academic honesty to require a student who plagiarized to write a paper about a topic of their choosing, in which he had to present several drafts, submitted sequentially, all verified by the instructor, starting with a simple outline, which creates a clear and obvious trail of the student's own intellectual work? Wouldn't that be much more effective in producing a future scholar who appreciated the value of his own work instead of scaring the hell out of a kid who makes a mistake, or, God forbid, maybe several? But that approach involves actual hard work on the part of the instructor, and assumes an element of really caring about an individual student�s intellectual potential and growth. What was DNA thinking?
It is one thing to talk about plagiarism among students. What about plagiarism among professionals? Now we are getting into the meat and potatoes of this current, for lack of a better term, argument. Actually, there is a better term, it's just longer: "Two sides shrieking back and forth, tossing polemic, pedantic barbs aimed at inciting anger, including few if any facts, all out of context, each claiming that the other side is ruining reputations of institutions or people, and that is why SIU now sucks," or something to that effect. Before we dig into the professional plagiarism main course, let's scarf down the appetizer, which in effect has spoiled our palate for public debate. The appetizer is composed of two ingredients: First take a large helping of "Don't throw stones if you live in glass houses," and vigorously combine with two scoops of "If you're rich, powerful, or connected, I guess the rules don't apply to you," and stand back. The mixture rises on its own, puffs itself full of hot air, and will cause [ad] nauseam if tasted even once. Interestingly, both points of view spring from the same insecure, squirrelly bakery in our psyches: a fear of not being in control of our lives. One point of view basically asks, "Who are you to judge?" while the other asks, "Who are you to be above judgment?" Both rise from insular thinking and an external locus of control.
Plagiarism takes on a whole new meaning and importance when it is applied to the professional world. Then, as a concept, it is related directly to intellectual property and the value, the actual dollars-and-sense value that the property has. Plagiarism is theft, and as such, the process to penalize someone for plagiarism follows the same basic rules that govern the adjudication of any theft of property: The worse the violation, the worse the penalty. If the theft is bad enough, as a professional, you lose money, prestige, reputation, opportunities, your job, and maybe even your freedom. Wouldn't it be stupid to exact the same toll for different levels and kinds of infractions? It's the kind of intractable, inflexible thinking that you would least expect from faculty and administration at a university, but is exactly the kind of thinking we seem to be faced with at every turn. Perhaps those intractable thinkers should remember this aphorism: To err is human; to forgive, divine. (Or maybe that's 'strychnine.')
Somebody said that before, DNA thinks. Oh yeah, it was Alexander Pope. Which brings DNA to its next point: How many times do you have to hear or see something before you no longer feel bad for ripping off Alexander Pope? What falls into the bounds of common knowledge? There is certainly something rotten in Denmark. Et tu, Brute? I'd rather serve in Denny's than manage in McDonald's. You see where DNA is going with this, DNA hopes? When does DNA get to say "continental drift" without saying, "as originally described by Alfred Wegner?" The rules are not very clear. Common knowledge pretty much means, "If you already knew it, then you're okay, but if you had to get your information from somewhere else, then it was not common knowledge to you, so you better cite it, or else." That definition, in one form or another, can be found all over the place. DNA guesses that makes it common knowledge.
Unfortunately, the definition is so relative to an individual's experience as to nearly be worthless. Language itself, being self-reflexive, tends to blur authorship/ownership over time. "But surely, there must be a definable point at which something can't be considered 'common' anymore," you say. Yes, it makes sense that that point exists. And stop calling me Shirley. Now, does DNA have to attribute that joke to the writers of the movie, Airplane!? DNA hopes we're not there as a society. As soon as free expression is curtailed out of fear of penalty or reprisal because you did not attribute everything correctly, then the argument against plagiarism has officially stepped off the deep end. Right now, at SIU, we seem dangerously close to testing those waters.
Do we want a teacher who uses somebody else's teaching statement? Do we want a chancellor who copies large chunks of a previously developed plan and inserts them into his new work here? Do we want a president who committed plagiarism in his thesis and dissertation? Do we want to start looking at everybody's published theses and dissertations and comb through them for signs of plagiarism? No, of course not. In a perfect world, every teacher's teaching statements would be unique or attributed carefully, every chancellor would cite their old plans or create new plans when envisioning a specific university's future, and every president would produce a thesis and dissertation which become the standards for scholarly excellence, and nobody would ever commit an act of plagiarism, intentional or otherwise, in their student or professional works.
Or, we could accept a more modest proposal. Should DNA attribute that? It will, to Jonathan Swift, who suggested, in 1729, that the Irish in Ireland could solve their social problems if they only ate their own children, particularly the poor ones. (They are very tasty, he reports.) Here's DNA's modest, slightly less biting, proposal: Teach students, through a process of experience, why they should not plagiarize. Teachers should show them examples and should be examples of proper behavior, instead of making examples of students when they foul up. Students who foul up include graduate students, too. Even though doctoral grads should have learned their lessons already, some will still make dumb mistakes. Which brings DNA to an important side note: Did you know that school is the place at which you get to make dumb mistakes, and not have it cost you your career? We learn by making mistakes. Why do you think so many people teach at universities? The amateurs (students) should get treated with kid gloves until they turn pro (graduate). Professionals (professors, administrators, et cetera), however, should bear the full responsibility of their actions. That's why they are paid the big bucks.
It would be nice if the world followed the diet suggested by DNA's modest proposal, but it doesn't. Instead, we're filled up by the side dishes. It's hard to say how that happened, but perhaps some of the ill-advised statements weeks before a decision about Poshard's plagiarism by board members, which certainly sounded like a rubber stamp of approval for President Poshard, didn't help, nor did the many statements by folks who had axes to grind against SIU. Nor did those who extolled Poshard's character and trivialized any potential wrongdoing, or those who faulted the process or the findings of a committee for lacking integrity, et cetera., et cetera.
Unfortunately, the issue of plagiarism seems to be the McGuffin of this Hitchcockian drama. Really, does this 'scandal' affect the quality of DNA's degrees? No. DNA still learned what he learned while he was here as a student. DNA takes that with him wherever he goes. Will it affect whether or not an SIU grad is hired somewhere? No company or institution or human-resources manager would be stupid enough to assume that somehow this issue devalued any individual's education. Scandals like this have come and gone at universities a lot more prestigious than SIU. Guess what? They are still more prestigious. The elephant in the living room is this: There wouldn't be a private group of 'concerned' citizens investigating certain targets if there hadn't existed a longstanding culture of SIU administrators treating teachers poorly. It's a fact that we have a larger, well-paid administration at SIU, and a smaller, less well-paid faculty compared to other similar institutions around the country. It's hard to reconcile institutional inequalities like that without sacrificing some rams along with some sheep. Poshard is enough of a politician to keep from getting his throat cut, but can he lead us out of this valley, or will we go straight over a cliff? DNA actually thinks his detractors are afraid he might succeed, not fail, because their axes would be blunted if things started to get better with Glenn at the helm. DNA doesn't believe those concerned citizens actually care about plagiarism as much as they care about plagiarism being a means to an end.
Please, President Poshard, Chancellor Fernando Trevino, if you or your staff happen to read this, DNA ain't the Lorax, but he do speak for some of the trees around here: Take this opportunity to lead. Change the culture, change the perception that our administration is bloated and our teachers are undervalued. You can do this. Some folks have faith---not blind faith, but faith nonetheless--- that you are the right people for the job. This plagiarism issue is likely the first and last test you will be allowed to fail. Yes, fail. You certainly did not win over hearts and minds here with your words and actions. You survived, which is important in the long run, but that is not compelling evidence you are fit to take on this challenge. DNA hopes, for students, faculty, the institution, and the region, that you are. If you are not, leave now. Too many people depend on your success.
Okay, that was the "real" writing that DNA does from time to time. Didn't mean to have it intrude in his internetlife. Can't help it if the dick jokes or memories of the music biz are not bubbling to the surface right now.
What have you plagiarized lately?
Permanent Historical Record: 11/11/07
Where Can You Find A Good Movie?
Certainly not at the video store. DNA and his wife were having this conversation just yesterday and then, last night, DNA's guestbook was hit with spam, asking, "Where can I find good movies? Can you help me?" DNA took that as a sign. Yes, spammer, you trolling dirtbag, and yes, visitor to this site, you wonderful, entertainment-starved spirit, DNA can help you.
Besides the conversation and the spam, DNA has noticed what we all have noticed: Video stores do not carry good selections of catalog titles. Years ago, DNA used to run a video store, and worked for a large retailer that owned a chain of video stores. The model worked as follows: Stock the hell out of new releases, stock the hell out of a few popular catalog titles (anybody remember "Porky's"---God, DNA hopes not), carry a few special interest titles, keep a top row open for "Playboy"and related softcore nudity documentaries (that's what DNA always called them---in fact, after hours, if everyone was cool with it, every once in a while we would put one on, and do like a "Wild Kingdom" voice over narration: "Here you see the beach bunny in its natural habitat. Notice how, once on the beach, the dominant female bends and protrudes her hind quarters, to set the boundary of her territory and signal the waiting males that she is in heat."
When you are in your 20's, and intellectually anesthetized by the repetitive nature of your job, then even ignorant shit like that becomes enjoyable.
Regardless, after that, the chain stores owners left managers with some choice, about 10% or so of the ordering budget, as discretionary, so that we could buy movies to stock that we thought were cool. Also, although we received signage (that's the official word for all the signs and graphics on signs, hanging from ceilings and in windows, etc., that you receive from the home office, that you have to put up in the store a certain way as per your company's marketing department's requirements) we also had freedom to make our own, as long as it wasn't crude or vulgar, and looked professional.
So, it could have been worse. At least the company DNA worked for allowed for a little creativity (not a lot----DNA will tell another story about how he pitched the idea of having song kiosks at which users could download and print up their own CD's about 5 years before it was being done, and the company president said that he didn't think the market was heading that direction, and thanked me for my input---uh, DNA guesses he doesn't have to wait to tell the story---he just did).
The coolest part about the old video store DNA ran was that DNA would create interesting categories, useful categories, for people to find movies. Categories like "Featured Directors" or "Featured Actors;" categories like "Bad Matthew Broderick Movies" and "Who Teaches Bad Guys Martial Arts?" That store experience from years ago has kept DNA aware of the pressures on current video stores to maximize dollars per square foot, but to also stock titles which will sell, and to position titles in ways and places which excite a person's imagination. Why would anyone advertise bad Matthew Broderick movies? Because it invites conversation, it invites a call to judgment, and movies sold off of that endcap in the store because of it. However, you can't have an endcap like that in your store if you don't know enough about your inventory to talk about it. You have to be able to talk about War Games and Biloxi Blues, movies which did not appear on the endcap, as well as Mars Attacks! which did (or if DNA were still running the store, The Producers would have to be added to the display, because it SUCKED as a movie).
You can't find good movies in video stores anymore because the imagination has left the business. As a model, the business is dying. DNA went into the local video store last week, looking for some specific movies. The store is part of a relatively new chain. It is clean and well organized. New releases line the exterior walls of the store. One quarter of the interior store space is dedicated to tanning, one quarter is dedicated to sale and rental of video games, one quarter is dedicated to the sale of recent new releases, and 7/32 is dedicated to the front register and candy sales. 1/32 of the store is set aside for catalog rentals and sales. That was it.
The catalog selection leaned heavily towards children's fare. When DNA asked if they could special order a catalog title, a popular title, the store manager said that they were not allowed to anymore. When a store can't supply a basic demand of a customer, one that you would expect to be able to be met, then that should be a sign that the business is in decline.
Movies on demand, Netflix, these services are changing the model. If you run or own a video store, DNA has a simple plan to save your business.
1. Make your store unique. There are 10,000 Blockbusters. Make your store a different destination.
2. Know your product. Watch lots of movies. Read about movies. Be excited about the art form. Be able to answer your customer's questions. Hire people that share your passion. Don't just run the store.
3. Don't combine your store with another. Movies and tanning do not fucking go together. EVER. Yet, you see this combination all the time. You know what goes together? Movies and pizza. That would work. But even then, why deal with the hassle of two different business models under one roof? Save your floorspace for movies.
4. Most catalog DVD's cost wholesale about $5. That means, you can make money on them after five one-dollar rentals. Or you can sell them for $6.99 and make approximately a 30% profit. What this tells DNA is that there is a lot of margin left in the business. If you could incorporate download on demand in your store, then you put the cost for production directly on the consumer, and wa-laa, you open up the doors to have tons more catalog titles available at little additional cost to you. How hard would it have been, for example, for the chain store DNA went into to enter a partnership with an online movie company like Netflix and be able to deliver a catalog of 100,000 titles to any person who enters the store? Not hard, it just requires imagination.
5. Don't put shit down so low on a shelf that people can't see it, and don't load your shelves with too many titles on their spines and don't buy gimmicky shit like movie tie-in toys to increase your profit margin. Those are all signs that you are abandoning your store's core mission.
That's it. Now, good luck trying to find a movie store which does that. Your best shot is to go online, which is the direction all media is going anyway.
Permanent Historical Record: 11/17/07
The Akkademiks...ROCK!
For those of you who don't know, the only reason the DNA Vibrator got back on this carousel called alt rock was because he started an educational musical project approximately 5 years ago. It started small, but the idea never went away. It was first developed in a business plan competition. The business was called "Music Notes," and the concept was to apply the model of "Schoolhouse Rock" to college subjects. After a frenetic period of writing, which netted 10 songs for the educational project, and about 30 for DNA's own personal projects, the circle is nearly complete. Number 11 has been sitting in DNA's head for some time. Finally, DNA has knocked out the last song for the educational album: Climate Change.
Yeah, it's a song about climate change, as you might have guessed from the title. Remember, this little project is educational, and the first album focuses on Geology.
DNa had been trying to squeeze a couple of hours in to knock out a rough demo, and was exicted that this afternoon, it happened. Which means, that if H.O.G. can get roped, tied and dragged back into the studio, this song will be done pretty shortly. Also, the canned drums have to be re-done, but that part is easy---tedious to get right, but easy to do.
Hope you have yerself some lernin' this Thanksgiving.
DNA forgot the cranberries!
Permanent Historical Record: 11/21/07
Time For Another Myoo-sick Review...
Remember the guiding principle for this recurring feature: After having established in this blog that logically, no music sucks, only the listener's ability to appreciate it does, he was swamped with literally hundreds of humble submissions from readers which really did suck. Hack songs, hack lyrics, terrible production, rehashed themes, blatantly ripped off melodies, you name it, DNA heard it. So, DNA might have to reconsider the concept that no music sucks. Many examples of DNA's own songs are not very likable, so DNA understands that some songs might take a lot of bourbon or weed to appreciate.
However, even music that sucks must have some redeeming value, right? Right? Well, DNA will be the judge. DNA will try to select a wide variety of music, popular, obscure, current, past, famous and not, and try to provide a critical analysis. DNA will try to be fair, to understand why something he thinks is terrible might be liked by somebody. AND, if DNA disses a band you like, then DNA will print your critical rebuttal if it is any good.
DNA expects that most of what he reviews will be easy to skewer, some of it will need to be skewered and hasn't been, and every once in awhile, he will find some stuff that has been skewered that needs to be admired, and even more rarely, will find something really good that has been missed.
This week's experiment in uhh, hmmm, music? is the band Hollywood Undead. DNA doesn't really want to direct you to their myspace page, but in the interests all things fair, you can go here to listen to them. DNA is sorry in advance. Really. Okay, not really, DNA listened to them way too many times over the last few days for research purposes. This was way harder research than DNA's Master's Thesis. Why? Because nobody was torturing DNA while he completed his thesis.
Now, before you think DNA has lost his objectivity, DNa will give you some Hollywood Undead background, and ultimately end with an enlightened discussion of Emo, Screamo, and the final word from someone who can be considered the expert.
First off, Hollywood Undead has, gulp, over 12 million pages views on their myspace page. 12 million page views! Over 33 million listens to their songs. DNA can't even get more impressive italics to show how fucking unreal that is. Let DNA put it perspective. Britney Spears has about 19 million listens to her music on myspace. Hollywood Undead has about 100,000 more "friends" than she does. Who have they shown their pussies to?
DNA will get into the actual review in a moment, but again, he has to ask: for a band that seems to command so much myspace respect, why aren't they signed? Why don't they have a snocap store or are on iTunes or have some other method of online distribution for their music? Why are there a million (okay, only several hundred thousand) mentions of them around the web, but only a few honest to God reviews? And why are the actual reviews (not just fan comments) almost uniformly bad? Also, DNA noted in his research, that either you have people who think Hollywood Undead are the worst band ever, reconceptualizing the actual meaning of the word "bad" by the horrible-ness of what they call music, or that people think they fucking rule, and are inviting the 7 member-band for continuous 7 on 1 orgies across the country. The 7 on 1 orgy invitation appears to be both from male and female listeners. Meaning, Hollywood Undead is so cool, that even straight frat/thug/gym/macho guys get hard-ons for their music, and could handle being the catcher as long it was one of the guys in Hollywood Undead popping his ass-cherry.
At least, that is the gist of the commentary DNA has read.
What do they sound like? Well if you listened to Linkin Park (or 75,000 other bands that sound as bad as they do, the way they do), then you have an idea of what Hollywood Undead sounds like on a good day. Overall, production is good, but not great; again, as with the Tila Tequila review, the beats, loops, and sound are reminiscent of some guys with too much time on their hands and a nice computer in their mom's basement. They copy the "schtick" of many other popular bands, covering their faces, except that you get the feeling that they are covering their faces because otherwise, fans would see that these guys are kind of geeky, not cool. Slipknot, they are not. But, it seems to be working for them. Lyrically, there is some inventiveness, the words certainly flow, but the subject matter, even when one gives them the benefit of the doubt, and is willing to entertain the idea that the lyrics are tongue in cheek, can't help but think, "yeah, tongue in cheek, between ass-cheek, directly in ass." DNA is trying to say the lyrics are base, (not lots of low frequency, but as in low-brow), sophomoric, puerile, yeah, that's the right word, puerile, (look it up, gangsta-wannobe).
Actually, it's the lyrical content that bothers DNA, cuz it plays right into some stereotypes that DNA saw prevalent among the douchebag "think with their dicks or other more impressive muscles" crowd that he so often purposely antagonized while a student at SIU. The problem is, this band is supposed to be part of this "screamo" underground hardcore scene that opposes the establishment, right, except that, they and their fans kind of share the same knee-jerk, 'fuck you, faggot' attitude that is normally representative of the establishment. How can they be cool and anti-establishment if they are dicks and mouthpieces of the crap we all hate about the establishment? Oh, right...THEY CAN'T.
Let's get right to the music, shall we? The first song you hear upon clicking their myspace page is "Dead In Ditches."
That's when we, that's when we, that's when we ride
that's when we, that's when we ride on these bitches
That's when we ride on bitches
You fuckin' faggot snitches
So don't you try, we packin' 9's
We leave you dead in ditches
That's when we ride on bitches...
Okay, DNA just barfed in his mouth a little, and had to stop typing. No, not from being disgusted, from laughing so hard he contorted his stomach and chucked a little up. Instead of listing all of the lyrics, DNA will summarize: They play with the metaphor of a gun being both a symbol of toughness, and also a symbol of virility. It is clear as they talk about packin' 9, (ostensibly, a Glock 9)and shooting, that they are really talking about sexual conquest...wait a fucking minute, is DNA actually doing this? Actually providing a critical analysis of a song about fucking so 'good' that the boys in the band leave ho's dead in ditches? Okay then, how about this: the boys in the band say, "we packin' 9's." You know what that really means? They look at each others' dicks, and they have measured them. Because they are absolutely sure they are packin' 9's. They say it alot. Who do you know who looks enough at other guys' dicks to know exactly how long they are? Just by looking? Sorry, Hollywood Undead, you can't be mad at the "fucking faggot snitches" if you got a thing about measuring dicks. While we're there, about the use of the word "faggot." There is not a single word left in the English language when used in the off-handed, incidental, but still perjorative sense that it is used in this song, that doesn't more aptly display ignorance, stupidity, intolerance, etc., etc. Just the kind of thing your angry, disaffected youth wants to be associated with...if they are fucking fascists. Congratulations, Hollywood Undead. DNA will now buy Elton John, Liberace, Barry Manilow, and Judy Garland records on fucking principle alone.
The next song is "Bitches." Yeah, DNA laughed too.
Bitches I hope you know
bitches I hope you know
bitches I hope you know
I won't stop til I hit that ho
Baby come say hello
And get your junk ass over here let's go
DNA hopes the bitches know, too, that these guys sound like Weird Al when they try to sing, which is really demeaning to Weird Al, who actually is pretty fucking good. From this point of view, DNA is glad Hollywood Undead don't sing very much.
DNA can say, that without reservation, this is some of the worst stuff he has listened to, and for that DNA is glad. Every one elses' music seems better now. Even 2 Live Crew had their moments----"Hey, we want some pussy!" DNA can identify with that. DNA just can't identify with "Bitches." Nor can he fathom how anyone who can hear and understand English could identify with "Bitches." You know who are the bitches? Yep, Hollywood Undead.
Why are they bitches, though? Not only are the posuers (or however the fuck you are supposed to spell that word when you mean not the real deal), but they have completed what the establishment needs to have happen to "win." They have taken a genre that at one time was reactionary and revolutionary, and reduced it to a cliche, and made it the vehicle in which the establishment now rides. Don't believe DNA? Read the "influences" the band lists on their myspace page: "HOLLYWOOD California, Designer Jeans, Camo, Cigarettes, Mickey's 40's, Bud Ice, Pro Tools, OUR FANS, TATTOO'S, Cahuenga blvd, Pla-boy Liquor, ASS, partying, Subway Sandwiches, Finger Snaps, Scene Hair, Sidekicks, Dumb fuckin girls, Freestyling, HXC, Brassknuckles, Riding Bikes Drunk, clubs and bars...." If this doesn't sound like the wet dream list of the dick-headed, frat-boy, pumped up on his own beauty jock from high school/college. The establishment has co-opted cool. Fuck. DNA is glad he is uncool.
Now, here is the problem DNA has. These guys are so wrong on every level. It takes work to be that wrong. It takes brains, and it takes talent. In fact, in the back of DNA's mind, a little voice is saying, "They're fucking around with you, DNA, and with the hundreds of thousands of people who call themselves 'fans.' They are so spot-on parodying everything that is wrong with the tatooed, muscled, thug-life poseur dickheads, and the slutty, wish they were prettier, and only assess their own value based on the size of their asses and tits airheads, that they have to be laughing at them. Otherwise, they really are the theme music for the most pitiable generation of sperm and egg to have ever heaved their way down the fallopian tubes.
Lastly, where do they get the genre, "screamo?" From "emo," obviously. But then, what is "emo?" You think you know, but you don't, not really. Short for "emotional hardcore," or "emotive hardcore," whatever the fuck that means. Here is the definitive response to what is "emo," from the only trusted source on the net, Wiki.
(The passages below were copied right from the Wiki "emo" page. Fuck it, they said it better than DNA could)
In 1985 in Washington, D.C., Ian MacKaye and Guy Picciotto, veterans of the DC hardcore music scene, decided to shift away from what they saw as the constraints of the basic style of hardcore and the escalating violence within the scene. They took their music in a more personal direction with a far greater sense of experimentation, bringing forth MacKaye's Embrace and Picciotto's Rites of Spring. The style of music developed by Embrace and Rites of Spring soon became its own sound. (Hüsker Dü's 1984 album Zen Arcade is often cited as a major influence for the new sound.) As a result of the renewed spirit of experimentation and musical innovation that developed the new scene, the summer of 1985 soon came to be known in the scene as "Revolution Summer".[1]
Where the term emo actually originated is uncertain, but members of Rites of Spring mentioned in a 1985 interview in Flipside Magazine that some of their fans had started using the term to describe their music. By the early 90s, it was not uncommon for the early DC scene to be referred to as emo-core, though it's unclear when the term shifted.
The difficulty in defining "emo" as a genre may have started at the very beginning. In a 2003 interview by Mark Prindle,[13] Guy Picciotto of Fugazi and Rites of Spring was asked how he felt about "being the creator of the emo genre". He responded: "I don't recognize that attribution. I've never recognized 'emo' as a genre of music. I always thought it was the most retarded term ever. I know there is this generic commonplace that every band that gets labeled with that term hates it. They feel scandalized by it. But honestly, I just thought that all the bands I played in were punk rock bands. The reason I think it's so stupid is that - what, like the Bad Brains weren't emotional? What - they were robots or something? It just doesn't make any sense to me."
The bottom line is what started as a movement is now simply a fashion, which is really the only proof DNA needed to see that Hollywood Undead aren't being duplicitous, they really are bad. They are called "screamo" because they look "screamo," not because they represent some social movement, the way bands like Fugazi or Bad Brains did/do.
Lastly, the fact that they are a myspace phenomenon only goes to prove that myspace has very little actual power to effect change, and has linked the lowest common demoninator together. Where else could dickheads find the theme music to fuck bitches to?
Pros: Every now and then, a little humor, or some inventive lyric, makes it to the light of day (keeping that little voice in the back of DNA's mind whispering).
Cons: Predictable, limited, puerile, white-boy, posuer, wannabe, masturbatory fantasy life soundtrack which has been done better by just about every skinny kid who picked up a guitar and felt like Superman.
Pros: They do make it sound cool to have some bitches around.
Cons: Based on their popularity, and we all know how wise it is to listen and follow something because lots of other people are following it, Hollywood Undead will probably have the next bad reality TV show on right after "A Shot At Love" with Tila Tequila.
Pros: Their name isn't half bad. DNA was intrigued when it saw the name Hollywood Undead. That sounds like a band ripe to subvert the ingrained idea of life in Hollywood, right?
Cons: In other words, with a name like that, they sounded like they should have the potential to rock like the Groovy Ghoulies, Man Or Astro-man, or The Reverend Horton Heat, but instead they didn't. Instead they sucked the life right out of the name "Hollywood Undead."
If you are a fan of Hollywood Undead, right here is where you can level all of the "fuck you faggot" responses and other enlightened commentary regarding my analysis of the band.
Permanent Historical Record: 11/01/07
Sick...
It never fails that at about this time, DNA gets sick. There are two articles DNA has written, but it will wait until DNA feels better to post.
Permanent Historical Record: 11/02/07
Everyones' A Critic...
MyuSICK REVUE
This is a feature that DNA has wanted to do for some time. Hopefully, he will make this a regular feature. After having established in this blog that logically, no music sucks, only the listener's ability to appreciate it does, he was swamped with literally hundreds of humble submissions from readers which really did suck. Hack songs, hack lyrics, terrible production, rehashed themes, blatantly ripped off melodies, you name it, DNA heard it. So, DNA might have to reconsider the concept that no music sucks. Many examples of DNA's own songs are not very likable, so DNA understands that some songs might take a lot of bourbon or weed to appreciate.
However, even music that sucks must have some redeeming value, right? Right? Well, DNA will be the judge. DNA will try to select a wide variety of music, popular, obscure, current, past, famous and not, and try to provide a critical analysis. DNA will try to be fair, to understand why something he thinks is terrible might be liked by somebody. AND, if DNA disses a band you like, then DNA will print your critical rebuttal if it is any good.
DNA expects that most of what he reviews will be easy to skewer, some of it will need to be skewered and hasn�t been, and every once in awhile, he will find some stuff that has been skewered that needs to be admired, and even more rarely, will find something really good that has been missed.
Myspace seemed like a good place to start searching for artists who fit the above criteria. DNA went to Myspace, and went to the Top Artists tab. The top of the top unsigned artists today (11/2/07) was one Tila Tequila.
"Tila Nguyen was 1 year old when she moved to the U.S. from Singapore, but she's Vietnamese by heritage and blond by choice. As for what she does for a living, there isn't really a word for it yet. Nguyen, who goes by Tila Tequila professionally, is some combination of rapper, singer, model, blogger and actress. But what she mostly is is the queen of the massive social-networking website MySpace..." - Time Magazine
Okay, get that? TIME MAGAZINE???? Sorry. Instead of giving you a couple of quotes encapsulating the psychology of why anyone expresses any kind of interest in Tila, DNA will direct you to this well-written article in the New York times.
Seriously, take a moment to read it. It says everything DNA could about what motivates us as a culture. But, DNA isn�t here to critique Tila as a human being, or a myspace phenomena, or MTV sl---uh, star, but as a musician. DNA looked for a long time for anyone actually reviewing her music.
Out of 819,000 hits for "Tila Tequila Review," DNA found only three actual reviews of songs by Tila Tequila. Some might argue that this alone is overwhelming evidence that, like so many have written, she is less artist than entrepreneur, which is the word they use for "whore" in the nice blogs. In the not so nice blogs, they use "whore" for "whore."
Here is a sample of her writing on the song, "Stripper Friends:"
"All my stripper friends, all my ex-boyfriends, we all want the same thing, we all want the same thing.
Bodies in the bar, reaching for the stars, we all want the same thing, we all want the same thing."
Good writers write what they know. DNA is not surprised that Tila knows lots about strippers and has lots of ex-boyfriends. But is this enough meat to feed a song? Is the rhyme between the words "friends" and "friends" too forced? Or the one between "bar"and "stars" so complex as to undermine the depth of the subject? This review is already too heavy, cuz DNA senses some IRON-y. Oh, and the pronoun "we" isn't correct as she uses it. Not to be a little grammar bitch, but it should be "they." C'mon, it's a fucking pronoun. This alone should tell you the level at which she writes.
We are led through a litany of simple rhymes, a simple theme, and a droning refrain, in the mode of any number of pouty-mouthed (and also potty-mouthed) so-called bombshells. Why do our current pop singers sing like they just had dicks in their mouths? Oh. That must be the answer.
After Donna Summers'hit "Love To Love You Baby" stunned people with its steaming sensuality, any number of 'pop' artists have attempted to breathe, moan, and groan their lyrics in an attempt to make their rather pedantic and forced music to sound raw and sensual like that. That was distilled into a very sick vintage in Britney Spears, and has been guzzled by a whole generation of singers who think that "sexual" and "sensual" are the same thing. This whole affectation of over pronounced consonants, as if the singer's tongue is too thick for her mouth (which is exactly the effect they are going for, so sad little boys can think about that girl's tongue, maybe with a stud in it, and what she would do with that), and over-exaggerated hyperbole must stop.
Since she tells us that "we all want the same thing," and the rhetorical device tells us that Tila is the "everywoman" who can tell us what that is, DNA has to ask, "Why the fuck wait until 3 minutes and 9 seconds into the song before you let us know what that is? Generally, holding a bit of information like that to create artificial interest or tension, or to inflate the importance of the concept is an example of weak writing." DNA guesses that Tila is guilty as charged. Here is the wisdom she imparts at nearly the end of the song:
"We all wanna live we all wanna learn how to love without getttin burned We want to be loved, are we good enough? Yeah, yeah."
No, no, we are not good enough. Not yet.
So, she doesn't distinguish herself as a singer, or as a songwriter. The production values aren't bad, certainly passable, but are nothing that can't be done by somebody with a computer in his basement. The beats, the arrangements, the musical talent which is required to write the music itself is fairly small. Does she distinguish herself in any other way? Well, she poses in some of the same ways as porn star Asia Carrera, and Asia actually has some pretty impressive skills, so DNA guesses that counts for something. Look at them side by side.
Asia Carrera...............................
Tila Tequila...............................
Put them together and you get Tia Carrere!
She certainly has marketed herself into a position of fame, has a TV show, has millions of myspace friends, and has a single that DNA's son has heard on the radio. Tila Tequila is no different than any number of the relatively talentless, relatively nice to look at women who are made into 'stars,' with the exception that she actually made herself without the help of Warner Brothers or Disney, which is saying something. DNA thinks it is saying that the bar, officially dropped by reality TV and OJ, has reached a new lower equilibrium. This should not surprise us. As long as good singers, and good musicians are still able to be heard and seen, why do any of us care if Tila can titillate the lowest common denominator? She ain't no Aretha Franklin, hell, she ain't even a Mariah Carey, okay, fuck it, she ain't even at the level of Fergie or the Pussycat Dolls. Still, when your retarded half-sister sings in front of the family at the reunion, shouldn't everybody there clap, and is it wrong that some of the family really thinks she is good?
PROS: She kind of looks like a bobble head of herself, already. Marketing genius if she gives out bobble-heads at her concerts.
CONS: Her writing is simple, her sense of melody basic, her concepts fairly low-brow ("I don't wanna fuck your man" comes to mind), her delivery uninspired, and her affectation of the 'sex-kitten' does not come off as sensual, but as soft-core porn, which considering DNA's comparison of Tila to Asia Carrera, should show you how bad someone trying to be 'hard-core' sexual looks when they don't have the courage of their convictions, and just wants to appear 'hard-core.' Asia Carrera, DNA respects. Tila Tequila, not so much.
PROS: Tila proves that the democratizing power of the internet works.
CONS: God help us all from the river of shit her wave of success has unleashed. Prepare to be underwhelmed.
DNA debated a long time about even reviewing her music, because DNA is only adding to the number of hits that her name gets every day. This is like an endorsement, no matter what her music is like. But DNA really couldn't find any good reviews of her music, so this was justification enough. Just because it is shitty doesn't mean it gets a pass. In this respect, Tila is experiencing a case of the emperor's new clothes. Once public affection has died, once her looks fade, and nobody cares about the trailer park parade she is currently leading, then people might look back and say, "No, I don't see it. I don't know what I liked about her," and she might say, "Wow, I really didn't have very much talent." DNA doesn't want to throw stones, really. DNA doesn't have a lot of talent, either. DNA makes no claims other than it is what it is. A last word: Who has millions of fans but does not have a record deal? Tila.
Permanent Historical Record: 11/07/07
Plagiarism...And Other Crimes
For those of you who do not share an affinity with Carbondale, IL, or SIU, you might want to tune this blog post out. Unless, of course, you enjoy erudite exposition and thought-provoking analysis on exciting topics like intellectual property rights. Hello? Hello? Anybody there? For those of you still reading, SIU's President, Glenn Poshard, is in some hot water, for plagiarizing a few times in his doctoral dissertation. Some are calling for his head, some are backing him all the way, and for lots of reasons, the issue doesn't look like it is going away. So, DNA decided to weigh in on the subject, mainly because most of the crap that has been written about the topic has been, well, CRAP. So, printed in its entirety, with some small edits (like putting 'DNA' instead of ***** in the places DNA refers to itself), here is our first installment of
Self-serving, Self-aggrandizing, Academic Snobfoppery Theater
Tonight's episode: Plagiarism And Other Capital Crimes
Most of you out there don't care about the happenings at a small Midwestern university, unless that phrase was preceded by the words, "Dear Penthouse: I never thought this would happen to me. I attend a small Midwestern university...." But within the university community, these happenings whirl frenetically like a tornado fed by the spinning of its own tail/tale (take your pick).
DNA has been thinking about the issue of plagiarism in the hopes that DNA could distill this slurry he has been reading in the papers and on the internet into a shot of something with a little more, well, character. Kind of like the difference between drinking a slug of white lightning, compared to a nice draw of aged Kentucky bourbon. One will burn your nose hairs and cause you to see funny. The other uses your whole circulatory system as a filter for smoky sophistication. The problem is, DNA doesn't think the current row about plagiarism is really about plagiarism.
Let's assume, for a moment, that this debate is actually about plagiarism. DNA is purposely not going to define the term here. There are more definitions of plagiarism than there are instances of plagiarism in SIU system president Glenn Poshard's dissertation. Rather, DNA wants to talk about what it is. From a student's standpoint, it is the caged beast used by teachers, administrators, and institutions to inspire fear--- whoops, DNA means, to instill the highest standards of integrity for the intellectual process in their students. From a teacher's standpoint, it is a crime, the prosecution of which protects a teacher's value on the open market--- whoops, DNA means, protects their intellectual property. How plagiarism is defined is not so clear. Whether different activities constitute plagiarism, and whether the same penalties should be imposed for an act of plagiarism depending on your professional level (or lack of it) should be up for debate.
Students need and benefit from direct statements about plagiarism so that they understand clearly what is considered cheating and what is not. Students might plagiarize because they know less of what is common knowledge in a particular field; students might plagiarize because they are less familiar with the rules regarding the fair use of others' works; students might plagiarize because a sufficient "weeding out" process is still occurring during the undergraduate years, and many students who actively cheat are only then getting caught in serious enough infractions; students might plagiarize because many of them aren't particularly interested, invested, or driven to create their own work, or to do the research that allows them to find their own voices, et cetera. (DNA views this primarily as a failure of teachers to find the methods to inspire their students.) There are many reasons students might plagiarize, almost all of which, with the exception of unrepentant, continued, blatant cheating, should be accepted by teachers the way a parent accepts reasons for bad behavior from a child who is still learning how to do things: Negatively reinforce to extinguish a behavior, and positively reinforce to change the behavior. When this is done correctly, the negative reinforcement should not overshadow the positive reinforcement. Then, Professor Skinner rings a bell, and all the kids look out the window due to his semester's long operant conditioning. DNA is not a behaviorist, but certainly, there are times when the model works.
If schools want to teach kids that plagiarism is bad, then instructors shouldn't level the worst punishment (failing a class, being suspended or expelled) at students for the first, or second (or, gasp, maybe even the third) infraction of the rules or for an inadvertent infraction. Wouldn't it be a more effective lesson about the value of intellectual and academic honesty to require a student who plagiarized to write a paper about a topic of their choosing, in which he had to present several drafts, submitted sequentially, all verified by the instructor, starting with a simple outline, which creates a clear and obvious trail of the student's own intellectual work? Wouldn't that be much more effective in producing a future scholar who appreciated the value of his own work instead of scaring the hell out of a kid who makes a mistake, or, God forbid, maybe several? But that approach involves actual hard work on the part of the instructor, and assumes an element of really caring about an individual student�s intellectual potential and growth. What was DNA thinking?
It is one thing to talk about plagiarism among students. What about plagiarism among professionals? Now we are getting into the meat and potatoes of this current, for lack of a better term, argument. Actually, there is a better term, it's just longer: "Two sides shrieking back and forth, tossing polemic, pedantic barbs aimed at inciting anger, including few if any facts, all out of context, each claiming that the other side is ruining reputations of institutions or people, and that is why SIU now sucks," or something to that effect. Before we dig into the professional plagiarism main course, let's scarf down the appetizer, which in effect has spoiled our palate for public debate. The appetizer is composed of two ingredients: First take a large helping of "Don't throw stones if you live in glass houses," and vigorously combine with two scoops of "If you're rich, powerful, or connected, I guess the rules don't apply to you," and stand back. The mixture rises on its own, puffs itself full of hot air, and will cause [ad] nauseam if tasted even once. Interestingly, both points of view spring from the same insecure, squirrelly bakery in our psyches: a fear of not being in control of our lives. One point of view basically asks, "Who are you to judge?" while the other asks, "Who are you to be above judgment?" Both rise from insular thinking and an external locus of control.
Plagiarism takes on a whole new meaning and importance when it is applied to the professional world. Then, as a concept, it is related directly to intellectual property and the value, the actual dollars-and-sense value that the property has. Plagiarism is theft, and as such, the process to penalize someone for plagiarism follows the same basic rules that govern the adjudication of any theft of property: The worse the violation, the worse the penalty. If the theft is bad enough, as a professional, you lose money, prestige, reputation, opportunities, your job, and maybe even your freedom. Wouldn't it be stupid to exact the same toll for different levels and kinds of infractions? It's the kind of intractable, inflexible thinking that you would least expect from faculty and administration at a university, but is exactly the kind of thinking we seem to be faced with at every turn. Perhaps those intractable thinkers should remember this aphorism: To err is human; to forgive, divine. (Or maybe that's 'strychnine.')
Somebody said that before, DNA thinks. Oh yeah, it was Alexander Pope. Which brings DNA to its next point: How many times do you have to hear or see something before you no longer feel bad for ripping off Alexander Pope? What falls into the bounds of common knowledge? There is certainly something rotten in Denmark. Et tu, Brute? I'd rather serve in Denny's than manage in McDonald's. You see where DNA is going with this, DNA hopes? When does DNA get to say "continental drift" without saying, "as originally described by Alfred Wegner?" The rules are not very clear. Common knowledge pretty much means, "If you already knew it, then you're okay, but if you had to get your information from somewhere else, then it was not common knowledge to you, so you better cite it, or else." That definition, in one form or another, can be found all over the place. DNA guesses that makes it common knowledge.
Unfortunately, the definition is so relative to an individual's experience as to nearly be worthless. Language itself, being self-reflexive, tends to blur authorship/ownership over time. "But surely, there must be a definable point at which something can't be considered 'common' anymore," you say. Yes, it makes sense that that point exists. And stop calling me Shirley. Now, does DNA have to attribute that joke to the writers of the movie, Airplane!? DNA hopes we're not there as a society. As soon as free expression is curtailed out of fear of penalty or reprisal because you did not attribute everything correctly, then the argument against plagiarism has officially stepped off the deep end. Right now, at SIU, we seem dangerously close to testing those waters.
Do we want a teacher who uses somebody else's teaching statement? Do we want a chancellor who copies large chunks of a previously developed plan and inserts them into his new work here? Do we want a president who committed plagiarism in his thesis and dissertation? Do we want to start looking at everybody's published theses and dissertations and comb through them for signs of plagiarism? No, of course not. In a perfect world, every teacher's teaching statements would be unique or attributed carefully, every chancellor would cite their old plans or create new plans when envisioning a specific university's future, and every president would produce a thesis and dissertation which become the standards for scholarly excellence, and nobody would ever commit an act of plagiarism, intentional or otherwise, in their student or professional works.
Or, we could accept a more modest proposal. Should DNA attribute that? It will, to Jonathan Swift, who suggested, in 1729, that the Irish in Ireland could solve their social problems if they only ate their own children, particularly the poor ones. (They are very tasty, he reports.) Here's DNA's modest, slightly less biting, proposal: Teach students, through a process of experience, why they should not plagiarize. Teachers should show them examples and should be examples of proper behavior, instead of making examples of students when they foul up. Students who foul up include graduate students, too. Even though doctoral grads should have learned their lessons already, some will still make dumb mistakes. Which brings DNA to an important side note: Did you know that school is the place at which you get to make dumb mistakes, and not have it cost you your career? We learn by making mistakes. Why do you think so many people teach at universities? The amateurs (students) should get treated with kid gloves until they turn pro (graduate). Professionals (professors, administrators, et cetera), however, should bear the full responsibility of their actions. That's why they are paid the big bucks.
It would be nice if the world followed the diet suggested by DNA's modest proposal, but it doesn't. Instead, we're filled up by the side dishes. It's hard to say how that happened, but perhaps some of the ill-advised statements weeks before a decision about Poshard's plagiarism by board members, which certainly sounded like a rubber stamp of approval for President Poshard, didn't help, nor did the many statements by folks who had axes to grind against SIU. Nor did those who extolled Poshard's character and trivialized any potential wrongdoing, or those who faulted the process or the findings of a committee for lacking integrity, et cetera., et cetera.
Unfortunately, the issue of plagiarism seems to be the McGuffin of this Hitchcockian drama. Really, does this 'scandal' affect the quality of DNA's degrees? No. DNA still learned what he learned while he was here as a student. DNA takes that with him wherever he goes. Will it affect whether or not an SIU grad is hired somewhere? No company or institution or human-resources manager would be stupid enough to assume that somehow this issue devalued any individual's education. Scandals like this have come and gone at universities a lot more prestigious than SIU. Guess what? They are still more prestigious. The elephant in the living room is this: There wouldn't be a private group of 'concerned' citizens investigating certain targets if there hadn't existed a longstanding culture of SIU administrators treating teachers poorly. It's a fact that we have a larger, well-paid administration at SIU, and a smaller, less well-paid faculty compared to other similar institutions around the country. It's hard to reconcile institutional inequalities like that without sacrificing some rams along with some sheep. Poshard is enough of a politician to keep from getting his throat cut, but can he lead us out of this valley, or will we go straight over a cliff? DNA actually thinks his detractors are afraid he might succeed, not fail, because their axes would be blunted if things started to get better with Glenn at the helm. DNA doesn't believe those concerned citizens actually care about plagiarism as much as they care about plagiarism being a means to an end.
Please, President Poshard, Chancellor Fernando Trevino, if you or your staff happen to read this, DNA ain't the Lorax, but he do speak for some of the trees around here: Take this opportunity to lead. Change the culture, change the perception that our administration is bloated and our teachers are undervalued. You can do this. Some folks have faith---not blind faith, but faith nonetheless--- that you are the right people for the job. This plagiarism issue is likely the first and last test you will be allowed to fail. Yes, fail. You certainly did not win over hearts and minds here with your words and actions. You survived, which is important in the long run, but that is not compelling evidence you are fit to take on this challenge. DNA hopes, for students, faculty, the institution, and the region, that you are. If you are not, leave now. Too many people depend on your success.
Okay, that was the "real" writing that DNA does from time to time. Didn't mean to have it intrude in his internetlife. Can't help it if the dick jokes or memories of the music biz are not bubbling to the surface right now.
What have you plagiarized lately?
Permanent Historical Record: 11/11/07
Where Can You Find A Good Movie?
Certainly not at the video store. DNA and his wife were having this conversation just yesterday and then, last night, DNA's guestbook was hit with spam, asking, "Where can I find good movies? Can you help me?" DNA took that as a sign. Yes, spammer, you trolling dirtbag, and yes, visitor to this site, you wonderful, entertainment-starved spirit, DNA can help you.
Besides the conversation and the spam, DNA has noticed what we all have noticed: Video stores do not carry good selections of catalog titles. Years ago, DNA used to run a video store, and worked for a large retailer that owned a chain of video stores. The model worked as follows: Stock the hell out of new releases, stock the hell out of a few popular catalog titles (anybody remember "Porky's"---God, DNA hopes not), carry a few special interest titles, keep a top row open for "Playboy"and related softcore nudity documentaries (that's what DNA always called them---in fact, after hours, if everyone was cool with it, every once in a while we would put one on, and do like a "Wild Kingdom" voice over narration: "Here you see the beach bunny in its natural habitat. Notice how, once on the beach, the dominant female bends and protrudes her hind quarters, to set the boundary of her territory and signal the waiting males that she is in heat."
When you are in your 20's, and intellectually anesthetized by the repetitive nature of your job, then even ignorant shit like that becomes enjoyable.
Regardless, after that, the chain stores owners left managers with some choice, about 10% or so of the ordering budget, as discretionary, so that we could buy movies to stock that we thought were cool. Also, although we received signage (that's the official word for all the signs and graphics on signs, hanging from ceilings and in windows, etc., that you receive from the home office, that you have to put up in the store a certain way as per your company's marketing department's requirements) we also had freedom to make our own, as long as it wasn't crude or vulgar, and looked professional.
So, it could have been worse. At least the company DNA worked for allowed for a little creativity (not a lot----DNA will tell another story about how he pitched the idea of having song kiosks at which users could download and print up their own CD's about 5 years before it was being done, and the company president said that he didn't think the market was heading that direction, and thanked me for my input---uh, DNA guesses he doesn't have to wait to tell the story---he just did).
The coolest part about the old video store DNA ran was that DNA would create interesting categories, useful categories, for people to find movies. Categories like "Featured Directors" or "Featured Actors;" categories like "Bad Matthew Broderick Movies" and "Who Teaches Bad Guys Martial Arts?" That store experience from years ago has kept DNA aware of the pressures on current video stores to maximize dollars per square foot, but to also stock titles which will sell, and to position titles in ways and places which excite a person's imagination. Why would anyone advertise bad Matthew Broderick movies? Because it invites conversation, it invites a call to judgment, and movies sold off of that endcap in the store because of it. However, you can't have an endcap like that in your store if you don't know enough about your inventory to talk about it. You have to be able to talk about War Games and Biloxi Blues, movies which did not appear on the endcap, as well as Mars Attacks! which did (or if DNA were still running the store, The Producers would have to be added to the display, because it SUCKED as a movie).
You can't find good movies in video stores anymore because the imagination has left the business. As a model, the business is dying. DNA went into the local video store last week, looking for some specific movies. The store is part of a relatively new chain. It is clean and well organized. New releases line the exterior walls of the store. One quarter of the interior store space is dedicated to tanning, one quarter is dedicated to sale and rental of video games, one quarter is dedicated to the sale of recent new releases, and 7/32 is dedicated to the front register and candy sales. 1/32 of the store is set aside for catalog rentals and sales. That was it.
The catalog selection leaned heavily towards children's fare. When DNA asked if they could special order a catalog title, a popular title, the store manager said that they were not allowed to anymore. When a store can't supply a basic demand of a customer, one that you would expect to be able to be met, then that should be a sign that the business is in decline.
Movies on demand, Netflix, these services are changing the model. If you run or own a video store, DNA has a simple plan to save your business.
1. Make your store unique. There are 10,000 Blockbusters. Make your store a different destination.
2. Know your product. Watch lots of movies. Read about movies. Be excited about the art form. Be able to answer your customer's questions. Hire people that share your passion. Don't just run the store.
3. Don't combine your store with another. Movies and tanning do not fucking go together. EVER. Yet, you see this combination all the time. You know what goes together? Movies and pizza. That would work. But even then, why deal with the hassle of two different business models under one roof? Save your floorspace for movies.
4. Most catalog DVD's cost wholesale about $5. That means, you can make money on them after five one-dollar rentals. Or you can sell them for $6.99 and make approximately a 30% profit. What this tells DNA is that there is a lot of margin left in the business. If you could incorporate download on demand in your store, then you put the cost for production directly on the consumer, and wa-laa, you open up the doors to have tons more catalog titles available at little additional cost to you. How hard would it have been, for example, for the chain store DNA went into to enter a partnership with an online movie company like Netflix and be able to deliver a catalog of 100,000 titles to any person who enters the store? Not hard, it just requires imagination.
5. Don't put shit down so low on a shelf that people can't see it, and don't load your shelves with too many titles on their spines and don't buy gimmicky shit like movie tie-in toys to increase your profit margin. Those are all signs that you are abandoning your store's core mission.
That's it. Now, good luck trying to find a movie store which does that. Your best shot is to go online, which is the direction all media is going anyway.
Permanent Historical Record: 11/17/07
The Akkademiks...ROCK!
For those of you who don't know, the only reason the DNA Vibrator got back on this carousel called alt rock was because he started an educational musical project approximately 5 years ago. It started small, but the idea never went away. It was first developed in a business plan competition. The business was called "Music Notes," and the concept was to apply the model of "Schoolhouse Rock" to college subjects. After a frenetic period of writing, which netted 10 songs for the educational project, and about 30 for DNA's own personal projects, the circle is nearly complete. Number 11 has been sitting in DNA's head for some time. Finally, DNA has knocked out the last song for the educational album: Climate Change.
Yeah, it's a song about climate change, as you might have guessed from the title. Remember, this little project is educational, and the first album focuses on Geology.
DNa had been trying to squeeze a couple of hours in to knock out a rough demo, and was exicted that this afternoon, it happened. Which means, that if H.O.G. can get roped, tied and dragged back into the studio, this song will be done pretty shortly. Also, the canned drums have to be re-done, but that part is easy---tedious to get right, but easy to do.
Hope you have yerself some lernin' this Thanksgiving.
DNA forgot the cranberries!
Permanent Historical Record: 11/21/07
Time For Another Myoo-sick Review...
Remember the guiding principle for this recurring feature: After having established in this blog that logically, no music sucks, only the listener's ability to appreciate it does, he was swamped with literally hundreds of humble submissions from readers which really did suck. Hack songs, hack lyrics, terrible production, rehashed themes, blatantly ripped off melodies, you name it, DNA heard it. So, DNA might have to reconsider the concept that no music sucks. Many examples of DNA's own songs are not very likable, so DNA understands that some songs might take a lot of bourbon or weed to appreciate.
However, even music that sucks must have some redeeming value, right? Right? Well, DNA will be the judge. DNA will try to select a wide variety of music, popular, obscure, current, past, famous and not, and try to provide a critical analysis. DNA will try to be fair, to understand why something he thinks is terrible might be liked by somebody. AND, if DNA disses a band you like, then DNA will print your critical rebuttal if it is any good.
DNA expects that most of what he reviews will be easy to skewer, some of it will need to be skewered and hasn't been, and every once in awhile, he will find some stuff that has been skewered that needs to be admired, and even more rarely, will find something really good that has been missed.
This week's experiment in uhh, hmmm, music? is the band Hollywood Undead. DNA doesn't really want to direct you to their myspace page, but in the interests all things fair, you can go here to listen to them. DNA is sorry in advance. Really. Okay, not really, DNA listened to them way too many times over the last few days for research purposes. This was way harder research than DNA's Master's Thesis. Why? Because nobody was torturing DNA while he completed his thesis.
Now, before you think DNA has lost his objectivity, DNa will give you some Hollywood Undead background, and ultimately end with an enlightened discussion of Emo, Screamo, and the final word from someone who can be considered the expert.
First off, Hollywood Undead has, gulp, over 12 million pages views on their myspace page. 12 million page views! Over 33 million listens to their songs. DNA can't even get more impressive italics to show how fucking unreal that is. Let DNA put it perspective. Britney Spears has about 19 million listens to her music on myspace. Hollywood Undead has about 100,000 more "friends" than she does. Who have they shown their pussies to?
DNA will get into the actual review in a moment, but again, he has to ask: for a band that seems to command so much myspace respect, why aren't they signed? Why don't they have a snocap store or are on iTunes or have some other method of online distribution for their music? Why are there a million (okay, only several hundred thousand) mentions of them around the web, but only a few honest to God reviews? And why are the actual reviews (not just fan comments) almost uniformly bad? Also, DNA noted in his research, that either you have people who think Hollywood Undead are the worst band ever, reconceptualizing the actual meaning of the word "bad" by the horrible-ness of what they call music, or that people think they fucking rule, and are inviting the 7 member-band for continuous 7 on 1 orgies across the country. The 7 on 1 orgy invitation appears to be both from male and female listeners. Meaning, Hollywood Undead is so cool, that even straight frat/thug/gym/macho guys get hard-ons for their music, and could handle being the catcher as long it was one of the guys in Hollywood Undead popping his ass-cherry.
At least, that is the gist of the commentary DNA has read.
What do they sound like? Well if you listened to Linkin Park (or 75,000 other bands that sound as bad as they do, the way they do), then you have an idea of what Hollywood Undead sounds like on a good day. Overall, production is good, but not great; again, as with the Tila Tequila review, the beats, loops, and sound are reminiscent of some guys with too much time on their hands and a nice computer in their mom's basement. They copy the "schtick" of many other popular bands, covering their faces, except that you get the feeling that they are covering their faces because otherwise, fans would see that these guys are kind of geeky, not cool. Slipknot, they are not. But, it seems to be working for them. Lyrically, there is some inventiveness, the words certainly flow, but the subject matter, even when one gives them the benefit of the doubt, and is willing to entertain the idea that the lyrics are tongue in cheek, can't help but think, "yeah, tongue in cheek, between ass-cheek, directly in ass." DNA is trying to say the lyrics are base, (not lots of low frequency, but as in low-brow), sophomoric, puerile, yeah, that's the right word, puerile, (look it up, gangsta-wannobe).
Actually, it's the lyrical content that bothers DNA, cuz it plays right into some stereotypes that DNA saw prevalent among the douchebag "think with their dicks or other more impressive muscles" crowd that he so often purposely antagonized while a student at SIU. The problem is, this band is supposed to be part of this "screamo" underground hardcore scene that opposes the establishment, right, except that, they and their fans kind of share the same knee-jerk, 'fuck you, faggot' attitude that is normally representative of the establishment. How can they be cool and anti-establishment if they are dicks and mouthpieces of the crap we all hate about the establishment? Oh, right...THEY CAN'T.
Let's get right to the music, shall we? The first song you hear upon clicking their myspace page is "Dead In Ditches."
That's when we, that's when we, that's when we ride
that's when we, that's when we ride on these bitches
That's when we ride on bitches
You fuckin' faggot snitches
So don't you try, we packin' 9's
We leave you dead in ditches
That's when we ride on bitches...
Okay, DNA just barfed in his mouth a little, and had to stop typing. No, not from being disgusted, from laughing so hard he contorted his stomach and chucked a little up. Instead of listing all of the lyrics, DNA will summarize: They play with the metaphor of a gun being both a symbol of toughness, and also a symbol of virility. It is clear as they talk about packin' 9, (ostensibly, a Glock 9)and shooting, that they are really talking about sexual conquest...wait a fucking minute, is DNA actually doing this? Actually providing a critical analysis of a song about fucking so 'good' that the boys in the band leave ho's dead in ditches? Okay then, how about this: the boys in the band say, "we packin' 9's." You know what that really means? They look at each others' dicks, and they have measured them. Because they are absolutely sure they are packin' 9's. They say it alot. Who do you know who looks enough at other guys' dicks to know exactly how long they are? Just by looking? Sorry, Hollywood Undead, you can't be mad at the "fucking faggot snitches" if you got a thing about measuring dicks. While we're there, about the use of the word "faggot." There is not a single word left in the English language when used in the off-handed, incidental, but still perjorative sense that it is used in this song, that doesn't more aptly display ignorance, stupidity, intolerance, etc., etc. Just the kind of thing your angry, disaffected youth wants to be associated with...if they are fucking fascists. Congratulations, Hollywood Undead. DNA will now buy Elton John, Liberace, Barry Manilow, and Judy Garland records on fucking principle alone.
The next song is "Bitches." Yeah, DNA laughed too.
Bitches I hope you know
bitches I hope you know
bitches I hope you know
I won't stop til I hit that ho
Baby come say hello
And get your junk ass over here let's go
DNA hopes the bitches know, too, that these guys sound like Weird Al when they try to sing, which is really demeaning to Weird Al, who actually is pretty fucking good. From this point of view, DNA is glad Hollywood Undead don't sing very much.
DNA can say, that without reservation, this is some of the worst stuff he has listened to, and for that DNA is glad. Every one elses' music seems better now. Even 2 Live Crew had their moments----"Hey, we want some pussy!" DNA can identify with that. DNA just can't identify with "Bitches." Nor can he fathom how anyone who can hear and understand English could identify with "Bitches." You know who are the bitches? Yep, Hollywood Undead.
Why are they bitches, though? Not only are the posuers (or however the fuck you are supposed to spell that word when you mean not the real deal), but they have completed what the establishment needs to have happen to "win." They have taken a genre that at one time was reactionary and revolutionary, and reduced it to a cliche, and made it the vehicle in which the establishment now rides. Don't believe DNA? Read the "influences" the band lists on their myspace page: "HOLLYWOOD California, Designer Jeans, Camo, Cigarettes, Mickey's 40's, Bud Ice, Pro Tools, OUR FANS, TATTOO'S, Cahuenga blvd, Pla-boy Liquor, ASS, partying, Subway Sandwiches, Finger Snaps, Scene Hair, Sidekicks, Dumb fuckin girls, Freestyling, HXC, Brassknuckles, Riding Bikes Drunk, clubs and bars...." If this doesn't sound like the wet dream list of the dick-headed, frat-boy, pumped up on his own beauty jock from high school/college. The establishment has co-opted cool. Fuck. DNA is glad he is uncool.
Now, here is the problem DNA has. These guys are so wrong on every level. It takes work to be that wrong. It takes brains, and it takes talent. In fact, in the back of DNA's mind, a little voice is saying, "They're fucking around with you, DNA, and with the hundreds of thousands of people who call themselves 'fans.' They are so spot-on parodying everything that is wrong with the tatooed, muscled, thug-life poseur dickheads, and the slutty, wish they were prettier, and only assess their own value based on the size of their asses and tits airheads, that they have to be laughing at them. Otherwise, they really are the theme music for the most pitiable generation of sperm and egg to have ever heaved their way down the fallopian tubes.
Lastly, where do they get the genre, "screamo?" From "emo," obviously. But then, what is "emo?" You think you know, but you don't, not really. Short for "emotional hardcore," or "emotive hardcore," whatever the fuck that means. Here is the definitive response to what is "emo," from the only trusted source on the net, Wiki.
(The passages below were copied right from the Wiki "emo" page. Fuck it, they said it better than DNA could)
In 1985 in Washington, D.C., Ian MacKaye and Guy Picciotto, veterans of the DC hardcore music scene, decided to shift away from what they saw as the constraints of the basic style of hardcore and the escalating violence within the scene. They took their music in a more personal direction with a far greater sense of experimentation, bringing forth MacKaye's Embrace and Picciotto's Rites of Spring. The style of music developed by Embrace and Rites of Spring soon became its own sound. (Hüsker Dü's 1984 album Zen Arcade is often cited as a major influence for the new sound.) As a result of the renewed spirit of experimentation and musical innovation that developed the new scene, the summer of 1985 soon came to be known in the scene as "Revolution Summer".[1]
Where the term emo actually originated is uncertain, but members of Rites of Spring mentioned in a 1985 interview in Flipside Magazine that some of their fans had started using the term to describe their music. By the early 90s, it was not uncommon for the early DC scene to be referred to as emo-core, though it's unclear when the term shifted.
The difficulty in defining "emo" as a genre may have started at the very beginning. In a 2003 interview by Mark Prindle,[13] Guy Picciotto of Fugazi and Rites of Spring was asked how he felt about "being the creator of the emo genre". He responded: "I don't recognize that attribution. I've never recognized 'emo' as a genre of music. I always thought it was the most retarded term ever. I know there is this generic commonplace that every band that gets labeled with that term hates it. They feel scandalized by it. But honestly, I just thought that all the bands I played in were punk rock bands. The reason I think it's so stupid is that - what, like the Bad Brains weren't emotional? What - they were robots or something? It just doesn't make any sense to me."
The bottom line is what started as a movement is now simply a fashion, which is really the only proof DNA needed to see that Hollywood Undead aren't being duplicitous, they really are bad. They are called "screamo" because they look "screamo," not because they represent some social movement, the way bands like Fugazi or Bad Brains did/do.
Lastly, the fact that they are a myspace phenomenon only goes to prove that myspace has very little actual power to effect change, and has linked the lowest common demoninator together. Where else could dickheads find the theme music to fuck bitches to?
Pros: Every now and then, a little humor, or some inventive lyric, makes it to the light of day (keeping that little voice in the back of DNA's mind whispering).
Cons: Predictable, limited, puerile, white-boy, posuer, wannabe, masturbatory fantasy life soundtrack which has been done better by just about every skinny kid who picked up a guitar and felt like Superman.
Pros: They do make it sound cool to have some bitches around.
Cons: Based on their popularity, and we all know how wise it is to listen and follow something because lots of other people are following it, Hollywood Undead will probably have the next bad reality TV show on right after "A Shot At Love" with Tila Tequila.
Pros: Their name isn't half bad. DNA was intrigued when it saw the name Hollywood Undead. That sounds like a band ripe to subvert the ingrained idea of life in Hollywood, right?
Cons: In other words, with a name like that, they sounded like they should have the potential to rock like the Groovy Ghoulies, Man Or Astro-man, or The Reverend Horton Heat, but instead they didn't. Instead they sucked the life right out of the name "Hollywood Undead."
If you are a fan of Hollywood Undead, right here is where you can level all of the "fuck you faggot" responses and other enlightened commentary regarding my analysis of the band.
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